Feel a bit shakey after ds 10s behaviour

[BearGryllsDad]

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

10 year olds absolutely should be able to let their mum have 45 mins browsing the sale without kicking off! All the time as parents, we spend driving them about to sports clubs, standing on the side lines in the rain, watching them play football/rugby/netball/hockey etc.

I used to get dragged round the January sales, on Boxing Day for a full day as a kid, standing about whilst my parents bought bed linen & kitchen appliances. It was mind numbingly dull, but having had a wonderful day the day before, I understood this was important to them. DD (also 10) spent a couple of hours being dragged round Bluewater a couple of weeks ago, whist DS chose some stuff he wanted for his birthday. Not the best day out for her, but she understood why we needed to do it.

It wasn’t just the sale though. It was an hour of exercise class plus cafe plus sale.

😱

And why are you feeling shaky because your kid wasn't perfectly behaved on one day? Seems a bit extreme to me.

(And I'm really curious why this exercise class was so important? Never heard of kids watching their parents at the gym before? Couldn't you miss it just once? Or at least do something nice afterwards?)

Hmmm I'd say perhaps you've left things to get to this stage.
Your defeatist posts about you'd 'battled with him all morning' soooo you gave in and let him do whatever he wants instead of parenting him? How can he see what's right from wrong when you do this.
Lots of parents do this but the consequences are the same for most people. If you allow your dc to do what they want after poor behaviour you can't expect them to change.

As pp have said though, it's not the worst behaviour. Try explaining why you're out, why something has to be done and why you won't be giving in to him.

If he sulks/causes a scene/is a pita, follow through with a befitting punishment.
I personally find that screen time affects my dc behaviour. I doubt it affects every dc but mine comes away moody and aggressive so I've almost entirely banned it and replaces it with craft sets, I've set chores and also set school work to do for their new year. Let's face it, every time you give them a screen so you can do something it's replacing you. And they know it. That's not to say don't allow any screen time at all but a full 45 mins staring at a screen while you do an exercise class sounds selfish imo.

The problem with screens is that it's a one player game, IYKWIM.

It doesn’t need to be though, there are lots of games kids can play together on an iPad for example.

@Pumperthepumper again with the "can't"??? Why on earth do you assume it's outside his capabilities? What proof he can't rather than won't behave, as a NT 10 year old.

I'd bet my house he DOES have the ability to behave but just chose not to in order to whinge his way back to his beloved screen.

Why do you assume it’s not? Weird bet when you know nothing about him.

Fine for you maybe. As I say I'd be very uncomfortable exercising in front of a couple of random kids. If I'd paid for the class I'd definitely be having a word with the organisers!

Just seems a bit like you'd decided what you were going to do that day and hang everyone else really. Which, you know, is also what your 10yo was doing but you expect it at that age.

Pumper is like a dog with a bone. Every single thread, without fail.

I don’t have time to be on every single thread.

I voted yabu because you said 'whilst i had a quick look at the sale items'.

Sounds like you were 'browsing racks' with kids in tow.

Well because an incapability to tolerate anything he dislikes to the point of behaving like a 2 year old and crying on the floor would be evident in other areas. I seriously doubt he’s crying and rolling round the dinner hall floor because he’s finished eating and everyone else doesn’t immediately stand up.

So what if he is bored?

sometimes life is boring.

that’s just life.

we all have to put up with boring things.

its high time he realised he isn’t the star attraction 100% of the time, that other people have needs and wants and sometimes, just sometimes, they get to come first.

and why do meal places have to be “fun” for children? Do they get entertainment along with their meal at home? WHat possible excuse/reason is their for a kid his age to behave so badly in a cafe?

I feel like you want everyone to say 'oh my gosh, poor you OP, you have a terrible DS. Maybe he's autistic? Perhaps too much screens? He really shouldn't have behaved that way. It's really bad of him'.

Whereas I just think he sounds like a normal 10 year old boy who was bored, and you prioritised the aerobics class (weirdly) for some reason and wanted a day out at the shops with the kids expected to tag along.

My kids tag along for necessities (eg. Need to do stuff.) but I still think it's weird they had to watch an aerobics class and can't understand why the browsing the sales needed to happen after that?

What have they been doing the rest of the summer hols?

Still want to know why this aerobics class was so important? (Was the instructor Chris Hemsworth? I could almost understand your actions if it was 🤣)

Same thing with my 5 year old as well. We've stopped YouTube cold turkey because it turns him into this whiney shit who just wants to go home and watch YouTube non stop. It's been a week now since he last watched YouTube and my god, it's like a whole new child.

He still gets screen time but it's tv or Netflix so it's much better programming than YouTube. And he doesn't change the channel every 3 seconds!

That's a long time, for anyone.

My DS really struggles in cafes, anywhere where it's bright, loud, clattery, lots of visual stimulus. He gets wound up and anxious and wants to leave. Was he okay up until the cafe, OP?

But you don’t know anything about this kid. Maybe there’s other things he doesn’t cope well with.

This is what kids do. They generally hate shopping once you've eaten or bought the thing they want. It's just torture for them.
Don't take him again. You'll both be happier

What have they been doing the rest of the summer hols?

You know, mainly sweeping chimneys and going down mines.

Still want to know why this aerobics class was so important? (Was the instructor Chris Hemsworth? I could almost understand your actions if it was 🤣)

For my mental and physical health. And by knock on so they have a healthy mum. Normally they don't come with me of course

Well, this is your key, then, isn't it? It sounds like he's struggling with something or other and probably needs to get it off his chest. Have you tried spending some one-on-one time with him? Active listening?

Well of course if he also does this at school and can’t tolerate any ‘boring’ normal daily activities without crying and rolling around the floor then obviously that’s a huge issue. I have actually addressed it multiple times by saying op should of course go into school if this is the case.

However, I presume if this is normal behaviour for him and he sits with his year 6 classmates crying because he’s finished his lunch then op would have mentioned it.

I sort of agree re the class. Not because of the boredom for the DC, but it isn’t really appropriate for the DC to be in the class watching, unless it was in a village hall or similar. In an actual gym class, if your childcare/DH falls through last minute, you have to skip it and suck up the cancellation fee.

In terms of lunch out and shopping, I’ve just discussed this thread with 10y old DD, she absolutely agrees that ‘sometimes mum, you just have to do jobs which are boring’.

Take away the tech. Some kids.just can't cope with having access to it. And he's one of them.

I'd have given him such a slap.