Feel a bit shakey after ds 10s behaviour

[BearGryllsDad]

For reasons I won't go into I had to take the DCs into town with me to do some exercise. Afterward I took them into M and S as I wanted to check out the sale and get the kids a meal in the cafe (kids eat free, or one does anyway). I have never heard so much moaning and playing up as this from ds who is 10 nearly 11. At one point he was crying because he finished his food and leave even though I still had food on my plate and my drink. His little brother was happily entertaining himself, but ds was making a scene to the extent some people were noticing.

Then whilst I had a quick look arousnd the sale items, mum, mum, mum I want to go. Mum, mum, mum. You said one shop. And on and on he went. I told him to give me five minutes, but he couldn't. At one point he lay on the floor feigning something. He started winding up his younger brother calling him a weirdo and sniggering at him. Pointing out pink t shirts and saying they were for him. In the end I told him to stop as he was being infuriating. I didn't loose my temper and kept it together. But I am sitting at home feeling an angry, shakey mess. I've even had a few tears. I often feels like he tries to control things and play up if we have to run errands or so something that is not centered around him. As soon as he gets home he plugs into YouTube and that may be part of the problem. I know m and s is boring but should he be able to tolerate 30 minutes of boredom at his age without making such an embarrassing scene?

Pumper makes me see why mental health issues have never been so prevalent. Because this type of pandering parenting teaches instant gratification, individualism, a lack of gratitude and to have overly high expectations of life and how much others should accommodate you. Being brought up like that must make adult life extremely disappointing.

I do those things when I have childcare and dont appreciate other peoples tantruming kids ruining it for me, because those people are only interested in their own wants.

‘Working with what they can cope with’ any 10 year old will insist that’s nothing less than an iPad or Alton Towers 😂

Another one struggling.

Forty mins to 1hour of hanging around
More hanging around at cafe
More hanging around at sales
…then punishment.

And being expected (the year before you start secondary school) to be able to go for lunch then walk around a shop without crying and rolling round the floor isn’t ‘being set up to fail.’ It’s a normal expectation of a 10/11 year old boy. Reminds me a bit of the first Harry Potter book when Dudley is wailing to his mum that Harry will ‘ruin his special day’ by joining them at the zoo, only to quickly dissolve his tearful tantrum when his friend walks in the door. I wonder if he does this at school anytime he finds the work boring - if he genuinely can’t help it I’d be contacting school because he must really struggle with a lot of the expectations there, which will only be amplified at senior school.

Are you suggesting that the todays outcome was preferable? Clearly something went wrong.

You’re catastrophising again.

Yes. Because he needs to learn. Placating isn’t parenting. If I saw a parent insisting their 10 year old can sit reasonably patiently for lunch in a cafe and didn’t give in to the bratty tantrums, I would admire them.

I don’t really understand the posters that seem to think OP has won some sort of battle with her son by having this experience?

I can understand them perfectly, I just think you’re being absolutely ridiculous. If your NT child genuinely ‘can’t cope with’ doing anything he finds boring you need to get some help and support for him ASAP.

I find it seriously concerning that you’re so busy painting a mum expecting to be able to get some jobs done and go for a bit of lunch with her kids as if she’s being unreasonable and a 10 year old rolling round the floor crying because she won’t leave a cafe before she’s finished as perfectly normal.

Definition: Setting up to fail is a phrase denoting a no-win situation designed in such a way that the person in the situation cannot succeed at the task which they have been assigned.

most children do succeed and manage to behave well when going through a boring day.

your example would only be relevant if every boring day resulted in all 10 year olds around the world having tantrums. They don’t.

Christ, me too. Having to listed to someone’s kid kicking off while they ‘don’t pander to it’ 🙄Even worse when they give you that sickly little ‘I won’t react!’ look.

She has won. She didn’t change her plans because of their silly tantrum; she stood firm, completed her errands and is now considering confiscating the technology.

You seem to think ‘the right outcome’ is just giving in, the ‘anything for a bit of peace’ approach. Which creates brats.

He hasn’t learnt. OP has said she can’t be bothered to have another fall out re electronics and has given no indication that she has reflected and considered how she will deal with this. So if you’re looking at it like that all he’s learnt is that he can cause a scene with no consequence.

This one does.

👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

No - she’s been so rattled she was shaking. I don’t consider that a success. When I take my kids out I like to come home with a clear head not shaking with rage/anxiety/overwhelmed. Nowhere have I suggested giving in. I just don’t consider this trip a great outcome.

But he did do those things. So what your normal kid does while the OP’s abnormal kid kicks off is irrelevant.

Exactly. That’s why he shouldn’t be excused - because it is not normal

@Pumperthepumper but BOTH NT kids will be held to a uniform expectation of behaviour in society when they become adults. This individualism nonsense will only result in an attitude other adults won’t be able to tolerate. It’s called conformity and we all must do it.

Who’s saying to excuse it? I’m saying to work with what he can cope with, and clearly an hour of hanging about plus cafe plus sales is too much.

Such as what? Do you never complain at a day of boring jobs or endless trailing around?

I’ve addressed that. If she feels he’s really not capable of everyday tasks such as sitting through a meal and shopping with his family she needs to access professional support because he will seriously struggle in other areas.

If it’s simply because he knows this will result in the patented pumper parenting method (mum now makes sure she never does anything she would enjoy as she’s too frightened of his tantrums) then he needs firm boundaries and communication to ensure he starts to learn appropriate social behaviours and becomes aware that he can’t scream and tantrum his way into everything revolving around him.

I don’t roll around on the floor and cry, no.

Crying in a cafe and rolling around a shop floor? No it's absolutely not!