Partner’s teenagers

[PostcardsFromPalma]

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We are a same sex couple. We have started living together for the first time this summer. This is a temporary summer only arrangement so we can spend more time together.

I am not working this summer, my partner is still working full time.

I take care of 90% or more of the household chores, including hoovering, bathroom, kitchen, dishes, changing sheets… My partner handles cooking of evening dinners, I then clean up. My partner also does about 40 or 50% of clothes washing, hanging, and putting away.

We split household food and outings costs. I am still paying all bills for my own home. My partner does not want me to contribute to bills, although I have offered.

My partner has a child, 15 years old living with us 50% of the time. There is an older sibling who is with us ad hoc weekends and holidays. Both young people have significant others who often stay over weekends. None do any household chores at all.

The 15 year old has been attending a summer school 5 days a week and gets up very early for this. Usually my partner wakes up at the same time and they spend some quality time chatting.

This morning, my partner seemed rather annoyed and asked what my plans were for the day, I said apart from the usual chores, air was going to play it by ear… my partner said I should offer to do more, for example getting up with 15 year old in the morning so they are not alone before leaving the house, and which would allow my partner a lie-in.

I felt this was said in a hostile manner, almost like an order to do this, and somehow I felt uncomfortable, especially given it was said in the context of suggesting I am not doing enough. I feel I do rather a lot, part of it is cleaning up after the children.

Is it me who is being unreasonable? I am willing to look at this from different angles before speaking with my partner this evening.

Am so delighted to read your update.

I try and be measured in my speech on MN, particularly when it comes to mental health.

However, shes a total controlling nut job.

Where you sit, eat, drink, how you clean, when you clean, how long you shower, where you go, for how long,.....and violent to boot.

Coercive control and an utter nut job.

You have dodged the greatest bullet.

I an so thrilled you are safe.

She is so scary and I absolutely believe she would have encouraged you to give up your home which would be then you would have experienced a whole new level.

Don't protect her.
Tell friends.
You fled her home.
I really mean that.

Be so proud of yourself for joing the dots.
Don't hesitate to keep posting.
We are here and thrilled for you.

100% @billy1966 do not get sucked back in, you sound like a lovely partner and deserve better. How did you meet her?

Ahh @VioletSea no need to delete, don't worry about it.
There's a quick way just to read the original Posters (OP) comments only so you can get the full picture before commenting (believe me a lot of people who have been here years don't do it/know how to do it )
Just click 'filter' on the first post.

We'll do e Op
That must have been really hard. Enjoy your wine and your freedom

So glad to hear you are home safely.
The more you added / began to realise all you had just 'accepted' is just how a coercive emotional abuser works. Gradually wearing a person down until they don't know what is normal anymore.
There was clearly so much wrong with the relationship. I am glad you have had the strength to leave

@PostcardsFromPalma hope you've had a good day:)

Well done OP, I think this sort of thing happens more often than you would think. It baffles me how people in the past got married before living together, you never really know someone until you have lived with them.

Why would a 15 year old need anyone to get up with him in the morning?

Great update OP!

Well done op. And reeeelax.tonight sleep.tomorrow anything you dam well want.
beware of her reaction to this.it could go many manipulative ways.

Well done OP, enjoy your lovely quiet time at home. .

I feel you have made the right decision, glad you are home.

Like others I'm SO pleased and relieved that you got away without too much drama OP. I can almost feel the weight of everything falling from your shoulders when you got home. I do hope she doesn't make it difficult to collect the rest of your stuff. Did you leave your key, or did she demand it back? If not, I'd go there when you know she won't be around, and that way hopefully you can avoid any further contact. So sorry you had to go through this, but I'm glad the scales fell from your eyes before the summer was over, at least now you have some time to recover and relax on your own terms. Take care of yourself, and I hope you enjoyed the shower.😆

Good point. Although I didn’t expect exactly the same treatment as the children, they are teens and still need some looking after and guidance… but, if it were me, I’d be embarrassed to challenge the only cleaner-upper in the house, whilst ignoring the mess accumulators. It’s inconsistent/hypocritical.

Similar to buying booze for 15 year olds, but begrudging me, an adult enjoying wine with my dinner.

I don’t think she spent much time trying to be fair.
Why didn’t I see this as clearly before now?
I suppose I wasn’t there trying to find faults in her, I just wanted to take advantage of this time to spend a wonderful summer together.

Not a fun summer after all…

Op well done for being brave. Is there any way in which you can turn the rest of this summer around for yourself? Go away somewhere quiet with just a book and a case of wine perhaps? It sounds like you need a little peace and self-care after what you've been through x

In my haste to get out, I completely forgot about keys! Kicking myself, they were right by the door and I could have easily picked mine up and left hers without discussion.

I wouldn’t want to go to her home without permission - I don’t want to give her an excuse to get upset. Plus, at this point, I absolutely would not like it if she let herself into my home, I no longer trust her. I now know she can be mean and nasty, perhaps even vindictive.

I sent her a text yesterday asking when would be a good time for me to drop off her possessions that she’d left in my home, and collect my own stuff at the same time, along with swapping back keys of course.

I have not had to break up with her, because in her mind, she did that herself when she said she wanted me to remove all my stuff that instant. Basically throwing me out!

She was extremely rude, shouting, her teen was home. I asked her to lower her voice so as to not alarm teen about what’s going on, but she told me that was none of my business. I suspect now that teen is used to seeing lots of this in the former family home. Teen must have heard her during middle of the night “haranguing and kicking gate” as well, and she had refused to lower her voice then, too.

She said she’d be out my way this morning and she’ll bring my things, and then we could have a talk about everything. I told her I didn’t feel ready to talk and wanted just a very brief meeting to swap our stuff and would be happy to do that if she could assure me there wouldn’t be any “upsets”.

At this point she became furious. Lots of long accusatory, emotionally blackmailing texts telling me off, about how ungrateful and selfish I am, all that she has done for me, she’d welcomed me into her home and family, how much I’m hurting her and making her want to regret ever falling in love, and that once I hurt her that much she wouldn’t ever be the same again… lots of stuff.

I said we should wait until we both feel calm again to return our things to one another, but if she could post my keys to me in the meantime and send those by recorded delivery, I would reimburse her and would be very grateful.

She said she’s now changed her mind, she will not be bringing my things to me, it was a favour and she no longer wished to do me a favour, but she was expecting her stuff and keys this morning, today, now. It was an order.

I felt it didn’t bode well, maybe she’ll destroy my stuff if she’s feeling this mean. Although I’ve removed the important bits already, and what remains isn’t irreplaceable, but it’s stuff I like and need and wouldn’t want to have to buy again.

I explained I’ve packed her stuff neatly and well, in good faith, and sent her a photo so she could see for herself. And then asked her would she please mind bringing my possessions along at the same time she’s collecting hers, since she is driving, and I on the other hand would need to do it by public transport. She refused.

I told her I would be seeking advice about this, because I was worried about her intent towards my things, I deliberately didn’t say from who, she I guess she could easily assume a solicitor or the police. She then said “threats” don’t work on her and she’d be arriving first thing to my home and expected her things to be ready and waiting.

I thought for a bit, thought I really don’t want to elongate this any more than it needs to be… I thought fine, I don’t want drama. I’ll go collect my stuff with a friend another time. I know it’s not good to allow her to think she can tell me what to do and railroad me, but I just want this to be over asap.

She came this morning. She was supposed to ring the bell, but didn’t, she let herself in, she knows she’s not supposed to do that… surprisingly, she had brought my things! We said hello, had a silent exchange of bags. She tried to hug me… saying “sorry” very quietly. I didn’t hug her back, wished her a safe journey home, and closed the door with my key in my hand. The hug did feel good, and there was a crazy part of my mind that almost wanted to sink into it and pretend none of this had ever happened, but I resisted. It was hard.

I’m surprised, and amazed I got my stuff so easily. No more ties.

Now block her. This woman is disturbed and can't be trusted.

She came this morning. She was supposed to ring the bell, but didn’t, she let herself in, she knows she’s not supposed to do that…

Even at the end, she's still trying to control you, in your own home. What a bitch.

So very glad you got out of there and your stuff back! However, I would change the lock anyway just to be on the safe side. Someone as unhinged as her, might well have made a copy, especially after her somewhat suspiciously calm return of your things. See it as an investment for future peace of mind!

Buying booze for the 15 year old? The one that has the Significant Other to stay over?????

There is a WORLD of fucked up right there.

Thank goodness it all appears to have ended calmly OP. I really hope that that's the last you hear of her, but as others have suggested, I think it may well be worth changing the locks for peace of mind, and definitely block her on phone etc. Now it's time to take relax, and perhaps think about the initial warning signs that something wasn't quite right, so that you see the signs if they should occur in another relationship. Best wishes for the future.

OP, so glad you got your things back.

I would think it money very well spent to change the barrel of your locks if possible.

Her walking into your home was absolutely deliberate.

She is not to be trusted.

I would indeed think her children have seen far too much and her husband is utterly thrilled to be rid of her.

Stay safe and do nice things for the remainder of your summer.

She may wellbe back to you when she fully calms down.

Thank you everyone (especially the regulars of the thread) for being so kind, patient, understanding, knowledgeable, and supportive… it really means a great deal and has made a big difference.

I think this thread will set me up well in healing from this, in the sense you’ve all helped to provide clarity and insight for me, which for me is an important part of moving on, I like to know what the hell happened and why!

I won’t concern myself too much with changing my locks, there are security cameras already installed. Along with text evidence I have that she is not allowed to use my key, and that as far as I know it has been returned to me for good… if she were to let herself in, I would be able to report her to the police and have her charged for unlawful entry or whatever else. She is fully aware there are security cameras. She knows I know my rights generally and am not afraid to use them. I think it’s highly unlikely this would be a problem?

Sorry to push on this, but the 15 year old? The booze and the significant other?

You are definitely more than entitled to some hours to yourself on your holidays, and you are not an unpaid maid or childcare (teenage care, really).

DP is putting unreasonable expectations on you, I’d be standing my ground and also considering the future of the relationship. Imagine how things would go in the future, once you no longer have your own home to go back to, and are in a more vulnerable situation. Then unreasonable expectations become demands, become orders. DP is already trying to control what you can do with your time.

Well done for extricating yourself so calmly (on your part...). I wish you all the best.