Partner’s teenagers

[PostcardsFromPalma]

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We are a same sex couple. We have started living together for the first time this summer. This is a temporary summer only arrangement so we can spend more time together.

I am not working this summer, my partner is still working full time.

I take care of 90% or more of the household chores, including hoovering, bathroom, kitchen, dishes, changing sheets… My partner handles cooking of evening dinners, I then clean up. My partner also does about 40 or 50% of clothes washing, hanging, and putting away.

We split household food and outings costs. I am still paying all bills for my own home. My partner does not want me to contribute to bills, although I have offered.

My partner has a child, 15 years old living with us 50% of the time. There is an older sibling who is with us ad hoc weekends and holidays. Both young people have significant others who often stay over weekends. None do any household chores at all.

The 15 year old has been attending a summer school 5 days a week and gets up very early for this. Usually my partner wakes up at the same time and they spend some quality time chatting.

This morning, my partner seemed rather annoyed and asked what my plans were for the day, I said apart from the usual chores, air was going to play it by ear… my partner said I should offer to do more, for example getting up with 15 year old in the morning so they are not alone before leaving the house, and which would allow my partner a lie-in.

I felt this was said in a hostile manner, almost like an order to do this, and somehow I felt uncomfortable, especially given it was said in the context of suggesting I am not doing enough. I feel I do rather a lot, part of it is cleaning up after the children.

Is it me who is being unreasonable? I am willing to look at this from different angles before speaking with my partner this evening.

@PostcardsFromPalma the more of your posts I read, the more controlling she comes across. The bit about how she might be frustrated at your lower sex drive and this frustration is coming out in other parts if your relationship is also worrying.
I’m glad to also read you are considering the relationship as a whole. Another thing you should not be expected to do, alongside unpaid maid and childcare duties, is teach a grown woman how to be respectful of her partner in a relationship. That should be a given.
from someone who was once in an abusive relationship and didn’t see the early signs.

That’s right.

She did ask me the first time it happened if I was okay with significant other of younger teen staying the night. This put me in a very uncomfortable position, it’s not my house and I’m not the parents. I asked if my partner had ever had a chat with her son about the ramifications and risks of something like that… she didn’t give me a straight answer, but it was to the effect of… my teen is very mature and responsible and I would trust him with my life!

I asked if she knew whether he had any protection… she said it wasn’t necessary because she felt absolutely certain that neither of them were sexually active and did not want to be until they were 16. I said he’s a 15 year old boy, it takes only one minute of weakness, and there could be a baby on our hands in 9 months time, and they might not get a say, because they are not the party that would be physically carrying and having the baby. Not to mention STDs.

She ended the conversation with telling me she trusted him, 100% and she knew he wouldn’t betray that trust, and that was that. I said well in that case, please don’t ask me if I’m okay with the stayovers, because I did not want to be the final decision maker in this (I would feel partly responsible if I said yes), and if I were to say no, she had already told them she would be asking me and if I was okay with it, then it was okay… which would then mean I’ll forever be the bad guy who butted in on their family and dictated terms and conditions.

I left it at, I’ve told you of my concerns and I did not want to be part of any of that.

With the purchasing of alcohol for them, it was exactly the same sort of conversation. Her reasoning for that was, they are going to do it anyway, and I would prefer it’s safely at home, with some beer, rather than strong spirits on a street corner or park bench somewhere. Thankfully it wasn’t a regular thing, I could count on on hand how many times it happened.

I’m not sure of the legality of either of these things, but I felt it wasn’t my place. I’m not the legal guardian. Even if I said no, I’m pretty sure she would allow it when I’m not there anyway.

Thankyou - you sound like you’ve got your head screwed on, unlike the utter loon you’ve just finished with. Her attitude to her son is DISGRACEFUL. And illegal.

She had some rather liberal ideas regarding sex. I think she was so pro sex she couldn’t stand the thought of standing in anyones way… actually strike that, she had the mindset to actively encourage it. The first stay over was her idea(!), not the teens, it was under special circumstances on that one occasion, but then of course they were very happy to continue and wanted to do it as often as possible, as it were. 😋

If we went away for the weekend, and teen was with his dad, leaving the house empty… she strongly encouraged older teen and partner to make use of our bedroom, which had the only king size bed… they refused, saying they didn’t want to encroach on our private space and were happy to share a smaller bed.

She said she wanted her older teen to have the freedom to enjoy sex in style. In our bed.

I just found it all a bit awkward and I’m glad I wasn’t in the room when they had that conversation.

I know there are plenty of parents who do this, but I don’t know how widespread that is… not having had children of my own, I have little idea!

Would you like to start a thread on it @Ffordecortana, I’d be very curious to hear other opinions. If you do, please put a link here!

Not being allowed to use the dishwasher was bad enough, but now you're not supposed to have a shower either? You are being told when you are "allowed" to clear up after after she's done the cooking (i.e. she's doing what she enjoys, you are left to tidying after her when she deigns to permit it). This is abusive behaviour. Blow that for a game of soldiers. Get while the going is good. If this is a holiday, it will only get worse as time goes on...

I think your assessment of her emotional state is very very kind. She is what I would describe as an absolute belter!
However that totally downplays her completely abusive and gaslighting behaviour. You have absolutely dodged a bullet with her-so glad you were able to get away from her

Agree.
Totally batshit.
Abusive and violent to boot.

A truly shit parent to her poor kids.

A bet her husband has many stories.

Don't respond and keep yourself safe.

How has it felt being back in your own safe space.....enjoying freedom?

It’s meaningless nonsense written purely for her benefit, not yours.

”I choose to remember the gentleness of you stroking my hair whilst yours got increasingly greasy because I regulated the number of showers you had .”

Not quite so romantic now huh?

It's pretty obvious imo, you took her control away and she can't fucking handle it. She thought she had you right where she wanted you, and then you flipped the table on her. Her only recourse is to try to gaslight you and have the last word.

You are so fortunate to be away from her.

Hopefully, this will be the end of it. But I still would feel alert in your place. Hopefully, she hadn't made a copy of your keys and your decision not to change the lock will not present a potential risk. But overall, there isn't that much she can now do.

Do not reply to the card.

She is trying to vindicate her behaviour to pull you back in to her influence.
She is writing her own version of events....
I love you and always will, but not enough to let you choose your own food.

Wow, what wonderful penmanship!

Don't worry OP - one day your smile will beam upon the badminton court again

😆

On a side (and perhaps not unrelated note) apparently Amber Heard's penmanship is lovely too!

Ugh, she's doing that classic dickhead thing of wanting to have the last word and to pretend that she is 'the better person' in the break-up. This is all just tedious fuckery on her part - a power play, basically.

It's patronising as fuck and also it's a load of trite platitudes like 'happiness is a state of mind' that sound like they should be superimposed over an airbrushed sunset in some shit Facebook meme shared by that one slightly annoying cousin you wish you could unfriend.

Anyway - yeah, massive gaslighting going on here, so chuck the card in the bin and don't reply.

She sounds unhinged to be honest. Nice neat writing though.

Oh god that letter is so lame 🤣

Please though, drop all this “she’s emotionally disregulated” psychobabble bullshit.

She’s a nasty, manipulative, selfish abuser - is all.

Hi @billy1966, the freedom was bliss! The rest was bliss!

The first few days, I didn’t even want to deal with my own dishes! I ended up eating things I could just throw together that didn’t really need cooking…. but then I realised I missed cooking and having nice food I’d made myself.
Finally I’m back on an even keel on that front and barely notice when I’m cleaning up after myself, rather than feeling tired of it and dreading walking into the kitchen.

I also hadn’t realised how much I’d missed solitude, and hours of uninterrupted time. I am slowly now wanting to socialise more again.

UPDATE:

The last couple of weeks haven’t been the easiest, culminating in having a biopsy done on a breast today. It meant spending 6 hours at the breast surgery having an examination with a doctor, followed by a mammogram, then an ultrasound and finally the biopsy. I’ll need to go in again next week to have the other breast biopsied, too.

I didn’t know how long that was going to take and it took me by surprise, and I hadn’t eaten since the previous day. By about 4pm I was feeling rather shaky and emotionally all over the place…

…what then followed next is what I can only describe as temporarily taking complete and utter leave of my senses. I texted ex partner, asking her would she please come and keep me company tonight because I felt so strange and a bit dazed and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to sleep and didn’t want to be on my own. I hadn’t told anyone else at this point because I didn’t want to cause unnecessary worry at this point.

Well, I feel a complete fool, a crazy fool. She made her excuses and said she was unavailable. This was done with very brief and few words, not really like her at all. I don’t know whether to believe the excuses, but they certainly sounded plausible.

I know I was being completely irrational, I don’t know what came over me… and I know it’s mad to expect her to drop everything at short notice to come and be with me, especially since I have been so resolutely keeping her at a distance for so long now, even when she’d tried to reach out several times… as recently as last week when she asked me to post her orthopaedic pillow to her, which I dutifully did, without holding any real conversation with her, just the bare bones of the practicalities.

I know this must have hurt her… I wonder now, did she feel as though she’s given me a real taste of my own medicine… what it feels like to reach out and be frozen out. I’m in a lot of pain and I feel very confused, and I made my own situation worse by making contact today.

It sounds crazy to say it, but if the situation were reversed, I would have gone to her… we did have some wonderful times, and there was love there, I wouldn’t have been able sit easy with myself leaving her alone and worried and shook up. I would have at least given her one night. I suppose I just assumed she might feel the same.

I feel like an idiot. I thought I was much stronger than this, I was doing so well, I had no idea what a massive sissy there was lurking just beneath the surface!

Sorry the update wasn’t a brighter one.

I feel like I must have come across as a bit selfish to have only contacted her because I needed something. I think perhaps it’s not very becoming, not my finest hour. It’s one thing to say hi randomly, I think she would have jumped at that, but this is quite different.

Stop being so hard on yourself. You made a mistake and that's ok
You'd had a really tough day. The shittiest, you really have so just don't give it another thought.
She responded exactly as I'd expect her to and as awful as it sounds she will have got a sense of satisfaction at giving you the brush off while you were at your lowest. She's an absolute drain and you are a radiator. Sending you good vibes, hope all goes well with the rest of your tests and your results

You’d just had the worst time and thought maybe you could reach out for a remnant of what had been good. Maybe it would have been even harder if she had come round, in the long run. It might have been nice - or maybe not. But it’s not to be. Hoick up your self respect, recognise you’ve been badly hurt, and are still recovering. Yes, she’s probably hurting too. But that’s the way of things. Doesn’t excuse how she was with you. You’ve done the right thing - just hang on in there. And good luck, wishing you all the best. Look after yourself xxx

I think I had understandable that you reached out for support at a frightening time OP. Wishing you all the best.

Been there and experienced that.
Not at all surprising.
Very disconcerting.
Don't waste an ounce of energy being upset.
You contacted her.
She didn't react.
Whilst i can understand your upset.
Probably for the best.
Like you, many people would have stepped up.
You will get through this.
Enjoy your home and the mess, so lovely!
Reach out to others at this time.
I was very tender in the area so don't over do it by doing too much.

You will feel stronger in a few days.
Plenty of liquids and rest.

Post when you feel like it.

We are here for you.

Yes, I presented my soft underbelly to have on a platter and she’s had a nice sharp kick… ala kicking me in my sleep-gate. I don’t know why I’m surprised.

She seemed to have not been giving up after all this time, and when I’ve actually approached her, this happens.

However upset with her I was, I really thought she was better than this. I thought there was a streak of goodness and kindness in there. This would have been a great inconvenience to her, and of course there wouldn’t be a bouncy perky person waiting for her, and sex would have been more off the table than ever.

You’ve understood perfectly, @Talipesmum.

Now I think about it, I don’t know if she really could have been trusted not to be awkward or moody even had she come here. Or try to guilt rip or manipulate me somehow, her two favourite modes of operation when things are not going well. You know what, actually, I feel so worn out I wouldn’t have had the capacity to deal with any of that. This (her response) was probably probably a guardian angel looking after me somewhere.

I tried to give myself the reassurance I was probably seeking from her. I gave myself a nice dinner and said out loud to myself, in a gentle voice: “You’re alright, you’ll be okay”… this is the first time I’ve tried this. Any other time I would have felt silly, but I was willing to try anything helpful now. And it really did calm me down a bit, just as if someone I trust had said it to me.

She is so full of stress, suppressed anxiety and agitation herself, she probably wouldn’t have been able to be present for me as I might have imagined, because obviously things have changed a lot over the last weeks. She was very kind to me and looked after me, and made me lovely dinners, and lots of hugs and affection and calming words when my mother had a heart-attack.

She would probably still have had some latent anger with me for what she would perceive as abandoning her ruthlessly, and all the damage that would have caused to her psyche, beneath all the bluster, she’s very sensitive to rejection. I took no pleasure in it. I wish it hadn’t needed to be as painful as it became.

Thank you all so much. It’s like a soothing balm to read all of this and have your company this evening. I think present company is far superior! 😀

Oh gosh, I’m so sorry you’ve been through any of this, @billy1966. By that I mean a relationship like this as well. Did you get the all clear? I sincerely hope so.

I just read the packing for a holiday whilst hungover thread and it had me howling with laughter, which was quite unexpected. I was weeping with laughter, what a Godsend and perfect timing! A rollercoaster of emotions today!