Partner’s teenagers

[PostcardsFromPalma]

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We are a same sex couple. We have started living together for the first time this summer. This is a temporary summer only arrangement so we can spend more time together.

I am not working this summer, my partner is still working full time.

I take care of 90% or more of the household chores, including hoovering, bathroom, kitchen, dishes, changing sheets… My partner handles cooking of evening dinners, I then clean up. My partner also does about 40 or 50% of clothes washing, hanging, and putting away.

We split household food and outings costs. I am still paying all bills for my own home. My partner does not want me to contribute to bills, although I have offered.

My partner has a child, 15 years old living with us 50% of the time. There is an older sibling who is with us ad hoc weekends and holidays. Both young people have significant others who often stay over weekends. None do any household chores at all.

The 15 year old has been attending a summer school 5 days a week and gets up very early for this. Usually my partner wakes up at the same time and they spend some quality time chatting.

This morning, my partner seemed rather annoyed and asked what my plans were for the day, I said apart from the usual chores, air was going to play it by ear… my partner said I should offer to do more, for example getting up with 15 year old in the morning so they are not alone before leaving the house, and which would allow my partner a lie-in.

I felt this was said in a hostile manner, almost like an order to do this, and somehow I felt uncomfortable, especially given it was said in the context of suggesting I am not doing enough. I feel I do rather a lot, part of it is cleaning up after the children.

Is it me who is being unreasonable? I am willing to look at this from different angles before speaking with my partner this evening.

Good on you, op!

I'm really pleased you are home. Can you arrange to collect the rest of your stuff whilst she is out ?

Just a huge well done! Do you have any real life friends to decrompress with, that feeling of relief will stay with you. I hope you have a well deserved relaxing day, I bet it feels lovely to be in your own home.

I'm sorry op but I'm finding it hard to read your updates as she just sounds awful. The control, the tears...urgh! You'd be so better off out of this, honestly.

I'm glad to hear that you are safely home Postcards.
I thought the list you posted of all her attributes was quite sad, as they were all things that anyone would normally do for someone they cared for, yet to you they seemed so special.

Others have already mentioned the Freedom Programme, I think it would help you to take a look at it, it's available to complete on line now. Or at least do some reading around the mind games that controlling abusive people play to trap their victims, so you are aware and can spot them in future, to be more able to steer well clear of them.

Look after yourself Postcards, what fun you will have enjoying relaxing and eating whatever you want to, with no one bullying you!

Send a courier to pick up your things, don't go yourself. No good will come of it.

This woman is unhinged and I'm so glad you've seen the light.

I hope you have a dishwasher and use the fuck out of it. Enjoy your showers, too.

Either send someone to collect your stuff or take a friend/family member or two with you, don't go by yourself.

I'm so glad to hear this OP :-) enjoy your own space again - fill up the fridge and have a really long shower!!

I'm really glad you've left, OP. Your partner sounded incredibly clingy and intense and possessive and it sounds like she had some serious issues with wanting to control you with zero compromise.

I feel quite sorry for her kids. I think it would be pretty weird for older teenagers (you mentioned the 15 year old is the youngest, so presumably the other one is at least 16/17) to have their mum's girlfriend being shoehorned into a parental role like that. I'm sure they're happy to have you around but I think if I was 15 or older I wouldn't be remotely bothered about a parent's partner having 'family time' with me and coming on 'outings'.

Well done on getting home. Prepare yourself for her to be in touch as others have said. Either promising change, or increasingly angry as she realises you are leaving. I’d consider taking someone with you to get your things. If she turns up with it have the handover at the door. I know you probably don’t want to be like this but ime the dynamic of an abusive relationship continues even after you are apart. It still seems easier to appease but it simply doesn’t work. I think the Freedom Programme should be run in schools.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

It does feel like home after a long stint in a military boot camp, actually!

I don’t know what I will do with my day, but it’s definitely starting with a long leisurely shower.

Then I think it will be KFC for lunch! Followed by a large glass of wine… drinking being another frowned upon thing, she is virtually teetotal. Indulging in a couple of glasses of wine with dinner was apparently tantamount to alcoholism.
I think for her, it was mainly about calories rather than any moral objection.

VioletSea Really? Controlling food intake, access to showed, telling them where to sit, not liking them to go out alone and kicking them is “doing nothing wrong”.

Yay Palma, nice walk or good movie this afternoon too. Enjoy :)
agree better to get your stuff sooner rather than later. Do you have a key? I’d go when you know she’d definitely be at work and then leave your key behind.

You’re a better woman than me. I couldn’t be arsed spending my time off from work paying full bills at my own home and then doing the lion’s share of cleaning up after a partner and their teenagers AND THEN being told I wasn’t doing enough for them. With a partner and an older teenager it should be equally shared.

What she said!

Gosh I’m CHEERING that you got out. It was exhausting just to read that. She sounds an absolute vampire!!!

Why does the 15 year old have a Significant Other staying over? What’s that about?

This thread is giving me the chills because it reminds me so much of my own abusive ex. Subtly controlling what food you buy, when and how you clean up, when you can shower, where you sit, the pressure for sex when you’re not in the mood, but you end up giving in all the time because it’s not worth the drama and the upset of refusing. It all creeps up on you without you noticing.

The thing that helped me most was realising the lovely person I fell for was not real, it was just an act they were putting on to lure me in. The real them was the controlling, manipulative and sometimes horrible person they became. I hung in there thinking I could make it better and get back to where we were at the start but the truth is that person has no interest in going back.

Good luck OP. Grieve for the person you thought she was but remember that person was just a dream. You’ll find a happier, healthier relationship in future now you know what to watch out for.

@AhNowTed thank you

@PostcardsFromPalma I’m very glad to read your update and wasn’t at all surprised to hear her control issues extended to disapproval around food and drink. One of the first times I went food shopping with now DH he was utterly astonished by me asking him for permission to put a 60p pack of fresh potatoes into the trolley (we weren’t needing to count the pennies or anything else that might necessitate the question). He knew my ex had been controlling but seeing that conditioning in practice still took him (and me!) by surprise. I’m sure as you step back and have some breathing space you’ll see more and more red flags appearing. Well done for getting out.

PS. @VioletSea did you even read the thread? The partner was trying to make OP spend all her time with her, she was not in need of her “own space”. Clearly you have no experience of coercive control, maybe leave the advice to those who have?

Violet - you can just ask for your post to be deleted. Just click on report - on your post and ask them to remove it. You don't need to delete your account, and if you want you can just name change.
OP enjoy your wine

Oh op.please get away sweetheart he’s been boiling the frog.she beginning to burn you now.
stop overthinking.stop your confusion.stop the overwhelming feeling because you are not going to be able to explain this away.that’s because abuse never can be.it’s just wrong.don’t let her guilt you.don’t let her make you think you need her or her you.gently walk home.there’s a lucky fated reason you’ve still got your home op.my god how many on here have prayed for that out.go home go home.
bad people aren’t all bad.not through and through.but that can never negate their harm.