How to ensure my son won't won't bullied in secondary school?

[thelongconmom]

I was badly bullied at secondary and hated it with a passion. it was similar to will from the inbetweeners where everyone called him "briefcase wanker" and even his mates didn't seem to like him that much but he was stuck with them. Well that was me and it was terrible.

I don't really know what started it, but once you are othered it sticks. Even people i didn't know or have classes with or recognise would 'know' me.
And trip me up, call me names, pull my clothes, rip my tights, pour drinks on me, lock me in the toilet stalls. there was no respite for the whole 5 years.

I really don't want my son to have to go through tthat.But how do I prevent it?
Is it a simple case of following trends and buying Nike shoes?
Im not really one for following trends but I'm willing to jump on any band wagon to ensure he fits in.

When should he invite friends round? do you still have birthday parties? What about sleepovers? I just don't know what's expected as my experience was wildly different from the norm.

Any advice appreciated.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It sounds horrific, and I completely understand why you're feeling anxious about your son starting secondary school given your own experience.

I don't think, as I think you know deep down, there is a magic formula to avoid being a target, and making any suggestions about it feels victim-blamey. That said, I have three teens and I went to secondary school too (and didn't enjoy it much, though wasn't bullied, just tricky friendships and general low mood throughout my teens), and I know that some kids rise to the top of the year group socially and others have a hard time and often it's for no obvious reason.

I think to a large extent you have to trust the process for now, and try to tell yourself about any positives there are. Has your son formed good friendships at primary. Will any of them be at his school if so. Does he have interests that are likely to be shared by his peers (football, gaming, music, etc etc). Do you have any friends with kids at the school, or who are going. I may be missing the mark with those, but there must be some reassuring or positive facts you can think about.

My kids have all got on OK with secondary so far - none of them are the super-popular kids, but they've all got nice friends and acquaintances. DS found it quite hard in Y7 (wasn't bullied himself, but was a bit scared of another boy in his wider friendship group and struggled a bit with some of the racism/homophobia among boys his age), but settled well by Y8. And one of my eldest's friends had an unpleasant bullying experience in Y8, but has since settled happily into a nice group of kids and their group stays away from the bullying group, who don't engage them either. I mention that as an example that one awful incident doesn't necessarily mean it's all going to be awful, I don't know if that feels helpful.

In answer to your questions, in my experience they didn't do that much inviting new friends round at first, but it built up over time. Sleepovers still a thing for all of them, especially around birthdays. Also meals out (burgers, pizza express etc popular for birthdays). If you can, take your lead on that kind of stuff from his friends' parents with older kids - my eldest was an Easter birthday, so we were able to see what happened (roller disco, cinema etc in her case). And I offered a lot of lifts home from after school clubs etc so I got to meet some of their friends in the early days - well worth doing if you're in a position to (but the world won't fall in if you're not!!).

I've rambled a bit, sorry. I also wonder if it would help you to offload some of your own anxieties more (friends, partner, on here...). I've found my kids' teens quite difficult sometimes as I really have projected my own experiences and anxieties on to their situations and it's very hard not to do it but I don't think it helps.

There's nothing you can do. Buying branded clothing is just being a tryhard, and likely to be noticed. He should wear normal things. If you start getting involved in his social life, you will embarrass him. That's not your job. Don't arrange sleepovers. They are considered babyish. Don't get involved or he'll be deemed a mummy's boy.

There's not much more you can do.

Has he got a close group of friends he's going up with from primary?

My dd's friend ignores all the trends. Dd and the rest of them follow it to the letter. She gets a bit of hassle but she's safe in her friendship group!

My child has autism and masks pretty well but cannot sustain friendships so has no peer group to back her up. They're been a few instances of what I would term "bullying" but I found the key is to go in hard and strong and don't allow it to take root. Once it does it's very hard to stop it as the it becomes habitual for the children involved and they find it hard to stop - almost as if it's worth getting into trouble to keep on doing what makes them feel powerful and on top. I allow two comments or episodes of meanness from the the same child/group and then I request a meeting and copy in HOY and HT. I make it quite clear that it stops now or dd will be removed. I have to be fair though, the teachers at dds school are fab and stamp it out ruthlessly at the first sign. It's ok to be That Parent when dealing with bullying.

In fairness I see lots of parents (mums) involved in hosting get together, days out etc for their sons. Plus branded stuff is the thing and no-one thinks it's tryhard. This is obviously my experience though.

I dont agree with any of that so it obviously varies.

DS is about to start year 9. I would say that wearing brands seems important to them-Nike trainers at the least. Birthday parties are still very much a thing-cinema, paintballing, escape rooms.

Sleepovers are a regular occurance too.

I have some of the parents phone numbers and we often organise taking the boys out during the holidays.

Mountain biking is massive so might be worth getting your DS out on his bike.

It very much depends on the child and the friends they make though. I think schools are far more inclusive now. They find their people.

I know it's hard but try not to worry.

The only thing you can do is by genuinely accepting him as he is, however that may be (cool, uncool, nerdy, sporty, introverted, shy whatever).

One of my boys was quite unusual, geeky and did things like robot camp and never played football in his life

Primary school was a bit tough, but in secondary school he really found his tribe and then nothing else matters

His tutor said he was so deliberately uncool he came out the other side as cool, which summed it up.

I chose a school that did not have the best Ofsted, but was famous for excellent pastoral care. So choose a school that is the right fit and have faith.

And let him know he can always bring friends over

He will most probably be totally fine, secondary school can be a bit of a jungle but most kids learn some resilience and life lessons, and make friends

How has he got on in primary school?

We all know superficial things shouldn't matter, but they really do, kids can be cruel.

I never had what I needed for school, my parents never did the back to school shop, never read and responded to letters so my trips weren't paid for. They did t take me for haircuts or buy clothes that fit so I was always scruffy.

I don't go ot with brands for my sons, but they always have what they need.

We also talk about things, friendships and how to know what a healthy friendship should be like. How to talk to people kindly but not be a doormat.

I also think it's important to keep extra curricular activities going so they have something outside of school.

I think when I was bullied at primary school my mum just resigned herself to that being my lot in life and didn't do anything and it just carried on.

Make sure your son knows his worth and that he can always come to you.

I don't think I'd encourage that, I can imagine the kids who like to fight seeing it as a challenge. I suppose if you've genuinely got the fighting skills to back up the badges you could handle it but I wouldn't want to seen as a target.

As others have said, you know there is no magic bullet for this. Being attractive and socially adept is in theory the best route to popularity but even then isn't assured - a pretty girl at my school got badly attacked by another group of girls who admitted wanting to destroy her good looks!

The key is to listen to him - if he wants the Nikes, or he wants the cinema for his birthday instead of a sleepover, if he wants you to remain distant in public instead of insisting on kissing him goodbye, whatever it is: listen to him. I wasn't bullied exactly but it was very hard to reconcile my mother's idea of how she thought things should be with the reality of my life because she just wouldn't listen to what I was trying so hard to tell her. If you listen to him, he will tell you when he needs help and what with.

Secondary school is a minefield. You’ve got to run and fit in with the herd but also your own person and not a ‘follower’. A hard balance for even adults let alone teens. When I taught in secondaries it was never the ones you’d think - it was always the loners - the ones who don’t fit in. And those who got emotional so other kids knew how to push their buttons for entertainment.

So yes, buy the Nike trainers, encourage him to be able to laugh at himself (so he can ‘shrug’ off banter) and make sure he has at least one or two mates who will have his back.

Oh just to say, secondary schools are pretty strict on bullying now too - so any problems speak to his head of year straight away to nip it in the bud!

If he was ok at primary he will probably be ok at secondary. Yes to decent trainers, presumably just for PE? Let him settle in, see who he talks about then maybe have one or two of them round for pizza etc, if he wants. Be led by him, he's growing up now. If there is an issue talk to him, his tutor etc quickly to try to nip it in the bud, but don't assume there'll be anything to worry about. Just relax and talk about the wonderful opportunities he's going to have there.

Does he play football? I would say that's what the majority of boys do at any break or lunchtime in my experience.

I would say whilst I don't think there's anything particular you can do, keep a very close eye on his social media. Get an app like Bark so you get alerts as to what's going on.

Make sure he can come to you if things go wrong. And don't be afraid to pull him out and home educate if it gets rough xxx

All these responses saying get him the right trainers, teach him to fit in - what about teaching him to be confident and assured in his own choices, to be whoever he wants (and wear what he wants) and deal with anything that comes up as and when.

Very gently, I feel like it's more you who needs help building confidence, your experiences are not necessarily going to be his - but your worries might make him more anxious.

Please try to keep your experiences separately, that is try not to allow your worries take
over. He is not you and may find it different fitting in. A friend of mine had an awful time at Secondary school and she’s talked about it so openly that her DD started telling the other kids that she was going to get bullied by them and it caused loads of problems. Ultimately just be there for him and listen, if he says anything or his behaviour changes and he tells you he’s having issues then go in hard from the start.

How far does this go? There is nothing wrong with flying under the radar for 5 years. There is also nothing wrong with being you. If you want advice on how to avoid being bullied then what you have put isn't it.

Honestly, there are kids who have the same attitude as@TypeMite so school is not a safespace. Hopefully one day they'll be less individuals like Typemite and more with your thinking!

I was a geek at school and I did get bullied, but I didn't have the resilience and back up of having a lovely caring homelife, like you sound you provide. If I had I would have more confidence and come through much less scathed than I did.

Encourage him to avoid troublemakers don't give them eye contact . Grey Rock them . Don't get involved in gossip try and fade into the background. That's how I coped . I also went home at lunch time when a lot of shit takes place . Would that be possible?

I also think walking around with badges could invite bullying? Anything a bit different.

Sorry you had that experience. There’s so much luck involved. Agree with what other posters suggested. Also

• teach your child how to respond to banter / a mean remark. It’s not “that hurt my feelings” it’s a shrug or a joke or a ‘ok then whatever’. This video is good m.youtube.com/watch?v=7oKjW1OIjuw
• If he does get bullied, don’t hesitate to try a different school. So many parents force their children to stay in a bad situation when it’s avoidable.

Hopefully it will all be fine.

@Sometimeswinning

Most teens have this view

It was very clear for many of the children bullied in my year definitely didn't help themselves

Two girls would be picked on then sit there and angrily draw their bullies in an anime cartoon and throw it at them

Then wonder why they got more shit back

It was honestly pathetic, almost as bad as when one of them tried to get a bully to back off by making a wolf noise at them

That also didn't go down too well.

Those two are still weird tbh

Yeah wearing judo badges to school is asking for it.