How to ensure my son won't won't bullied in secondary school?

[thelongconmom]

I was badly bullied at secondary and hated it with a passion. it was similar to will from the inbetweeners where everyone called him "briefcase wanker" and even his mates didn't seem to like him that much but he was stuck with them. Well that was me and it was terrible.

I don't really know what started it, but once you are othered it sticks. Even people i didn't know or have classes with or recognise would 'know' me.
And trip me up, call me names, pull my clothes, rip my tights, pour drinks on me, lock me in the toilet stalls. there was no respite for the whole 5 years.

I really don't want my son to have to go through tthat.But how do I prevent it?
Is it a simple case of following trends and buying Nike shoes?
Im not really one for following trends but I'm willing to jump on any band wagon to ensure he fits in.

When should he invite friends round? do you still have birthday parties? What about sleepovers? I just don't know what's expected as my experience was wildly different from the norm.

Any advice appreciated.

Just to be clear I agree with suggestions about dealing with/preventing issues (not the martial arts badges sorry ;/) but don't let him have to pretend to be someone he isn't, surely that will just be more damage.

This.

I'm sure they speak very highly of you too. What were you doing when they were being picked on; apart from providing an audience?

Those girls have both probably grown uo with more emapthy and kindness than any of those kids that bullied them have. They had their own interests and own way to try and fight back. We can't all be identical, just to fit in - the world would be very boring and shit.

I would encourage lots of interests out of school so he has high self esteem. That seems to be the way to cope with anything that comes along. Scouts, drama, music. Swimming whatever. Anything that he’s good at. Encourage time off his phone in the evenings as that’s when things can escalate. Late night comments and responses are never good.

Do as many clubs as possible at school so he’s busy.

I was also bullied through most of secondary school time. It permanently destroyed my self esteem. I would be really honest with your son about your experience. I would never have dreamed of telling my mum despite all the sadness I was carrying. I would hate my son to do the same.
I would also suggest making friend groups from outside of the school, so that he can gain security and confidence through other people and places (and have fun!)
In the end it became too much and I left that school at 16, and moved to a new school. But one where I at least knew some people already from the club's I was in out with school

To answer your question - you can’t ensure it. You just have to hope, and then support them if they do go through difficult times.

Id be very careful however not to give him a complex about possibly being bullied. Parents anxieties always run off onto their kids, even if it’s an unconscious act.

How old are you @TypeMite? 🤣 I can tell straight up that you were an inbetweener.

I'm only asking because most of us grew out of that attitude when we hit the real world and found that quirky was actually normal!

The thing is, if he has a good group of friends and isn’t a target then branded clothes are fine.

If he’s made a target and goes to school with twats then they’ll badge him a show off.

It won’t swing the twats if they target him and suddenly he comes in with posh trainers on

You sound lovely. And tolerant.

Even with the boys, the ones seriously picked on were teased for a reason. Oddballs the lot of them.
You sound like an absolute dose.

There isn't any point in worrying, if he is bullied then move him.

I think DC were cruellest in past, anything different was vilified from red hair, freckles or a sightly unusual name.

I experienced bullying because I didn't have decent shoes and looked a bit scruffy.

I think there is more acceptance nowadays and someone for everyone.

Try not to worry.

Folks this is a bully right here in the wild, what you need to look out for.

You sound vile. What makes someone 'odd' - did you ever think about that?

Still school holidays isn't it...

I see Vicky Pollard has joined the discussion.

Welcome.

@Chugalug21 never bullied anyone in my life thanks

Just knew how to avoid them, blend in, have a good circle of friends and avoid the children who were weird

What most do to 'survive' secondary

So sorry you had that horrible experience op.

Some good advice from pp. I think you need to listen to what your DC tells you and know you will work through any bullying together IF it happens. Even if that means moving school, you know won’t let your DC be stuck in the situation you experienced.

I'm 30

Shame on you. Some people never grow up.

And the girl wishing for people to have miscarriages isn't?

It's not an odd view to think making wolf noises isn't socially great either.

I never knew of one child in secondary who was seriously bullied that didn't somewhat bring it on themselves.

There was the seasonal victims, the ones who were picked on for a specific 'reason' or event that usually was forgotten about in a week or two. But those who were bullied throughout were weird children.

As long as your children aren't weird they will be fine.

Anyone saying two 14 year olds making wolf noises isn't weird needs to give their heads a wobble.

You honestly sound about 13.

You can coach him/role play through a few things. Maybe see if there are a couple of suitable books for him to read - I gave this to my son www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0340911840/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1 I am not sure how much he read it - he is pretty self confident/self-assured. But I will never know if he has dipped in/had a look over the years.

My daugther is more sensitive - so a couple of books worked for her - an American Girl Guide to friendships and another one about Queen Bees (can't remember the title but will try and look up if of use). With her there was more discussion chat about it. And more happened Y5/6 and was settled mostly before secondary.

Secondly, chat through a few other things. So if someone dares him to do something (however silly...like drawing chalk boobs on the wall/pulling all the loo roll out of the holder....or worse stuff - or just something he is uncomofrtable doing). It can feel difficult to say no to the peer pressure/the "go on, I dare you ...or are you chicken?!! - So a great answer here is "OK, well if you do it first then maybe I will..." Even if the other child then does said silly/naughty thing, your son can say "Nah, not going to do it." It helps them think about how to react to these situations before they happen.

Thirdly - know your son. If he is telling you something he felt uncomfortable about at school listen. And if he want something done - sort it with the school. Max Brown scares him and the seating plan means he is now sitting next to him in French? Speak to the school. Tell them he is scared and please could he be moved with zero fuss. And yes, you need to coach your child to be able to tell the teacher this themselves - but firstly you need to show your son that if he feels unsafe the adults will help. So as PP said - something happens act on it. Do not listen to him saying "no, I'll be bullied for snitching". Tell the school. They can and will help. But not if they don't know.

I am sorry for your awful school days flowers

Even with the boys, the ones seriously picked on were teased for a reason. Oddballs the lot of them.
The bullying victims were oddballs?
Jez you're charming.
I went to a really rough school once I toughened up, I used any influence I had to stop the weaker DC being bullied.
It's in my nature to defend the underdog.

This doesn't come across well. And what do you have to say about the bullies or do you reserve judgement for those being picked on🙄

Yes

Odd

It's strange there are grown adults on here claiming weird children don't exist

They definitely do!