How to ensure my son won't won't bullied in secondary school?

[thelongconmom]

I was badly bullied at secondary and hated it with a passion. it was similar to will from the inbetweeners where everyone called him "briefcase wanker" and even his mates didn't seem to like him that much but he was stuck with them. Well that was me and it was terrible.

I don't really know what started it, but once you are othered it sticks. Even people i didn't know or have classes with or recognise would 'know' me.
And trip me up, call me names, pull my clothes, rip my tights, pour drinks on me, lock me in the toilet stalls. there was no respite for the whole 5 years.

I really don't want my son to have to go through tthat.But how do I prevent it?
Is it a simple case of following trends and buying Nike shoes?
Im not really one for following trends but I'm willing to jump on any band wagon to ensure he fits in.

When should he invite friends round? do you still have birthday parties? What about sleepovers? I just don't know what's expected as my experience was wildly different from the norm.

Any advice appreciated.

Hitting anyone is awful advice. Not only is it socially unacceptable it can go very badly if your DC is small/weak so ends up seriously hurt or strong and ends up seriously hurting other people.

Bullies thrive on reaction so being able to laugh it off helps most. Fitting in a bit too, not trying too hard but if everyone has adidas trainers don't go and buy adeedas from the market. You'd be better off having non branded plain shoes.

Another thing too - often teachers instigate bullying - they tend to go for the kids who’s parents ‘support the school’ so make sure your son knows he’s not to take any shit off them either.

Yep. Bullies run in families. All as vile as each other.

im sure your lad will bulk up by then - but in the meantime teach him to nut up

THIRTY with that attitude? how embarrassing for you

My boy is small for his age and has physical tics. Before he started secondary last Sept I forewarned him that every year group, in every school, in every town, since the dawn of time, has had, and will have, children that try and pick on others. I taught him to expect it and how to react to it if it happens to him or his friends. I also taught him that it sometimes meant that these children might be picked on by their families at home so this is what they think is normal.

He sometimes gets a bit of stick - it washes off him. He is resilient. He laughs it off. He walks away. He doesn't engage. He tells himself that they maybe they have problems they are struggling with. It's working so far

Teach him to what?

’nut up’ stand up for one’s self, give no quarter, fight tenaciously

I’ve taught in boys schools for the last 15 years, and I teach A LOT of KS3 (about 340 kids a week?!) so I spend a lot of time with this age group. In my experience the following things seem to generally apply:

Try to encourage your child to move past primary school playground behaviours-telling tales about inconsequential things and also not making a massive fuss about trivial things that happen. If someone winds you up and you react in a dramatic way it will happen again. And again. And again. Encourage calm responses to provocative things and the ones who are looking for a target will get bored.

It sounds like you are a wonderfully caring and conscientious mum. Clean uniform, not being smelly or scruffy makes a big difference too. Tell them to keep busy at lunchtime and hang out in the library or similar before and during the school day if they’re feeling intimidated so that they can build their confidence and find like minded kids in a safe place. Tell them to steer clear of the older ones at lunchtime etc, the year 11s can be quite ‘no nonsense’ with the year 7s who get in their way on the wrong playground.

in my experience, having a few of the ‘right’ brands makes a difference. So get the Nike trainers or whatever if you can afford them and he wants them. They tend to wear t shirts from primark mostly though, with the occasional sports brands thrown in.

I was quite impressed this week as my 10 year old boy had the confidence to say no to doing something in a social setting that he wasn’t happy with. And it struck me that it is a really important thing, not allowing yourself to get swept along with the naughty/risk taking ones and feel empowered and confident enough to say no to getting involved with stupid things.

encourage and build on good self esteem, offer uncritical emotional support at all times and allow access to whatever the current trend is to a safe degree. If you ban all internet access for example they will sneak onto it and then they can look at anything they like as they’re breaking the rules anyway (as an example)

Maybe do some work on understanding personal space and boundaries with friends and peers. Model some social stories and how to react in certain situations.

I teach secondary and have 2 DC's in KS3, both of whom might be classed as "quirky" in very different ways. I'm teaching both of them that the long game to coolness and happiness is to march to the beat of your own drum, find your tribe through clubs etc and find a few very grey rock / withering put downs for the knobheads who think having any kind of individuality is some kind of threat to them. That's it. They can go down the "blend in" route but experience of two decades in teaching has taught me that it never "works" and the child usually ends a ball of suppressed, confused resentment who misses out on real friends cos the other "weirdos" don't know they're one of them. It takes a bit of balls and front but not for long. Once they find their tribe, they're fine.

I worried about my dd as I was bullied at school. DD's were fine. Better school, better friends

So true,

I was a skinny, late developer, wore glasses, braces on my teeth and had a slightly eccentric father who thought I needed school bags/coats suitable for the famous five. Thankfully my mum was a bit more switched on so I was always desperate for her to take us shopping for school supplies.

To remark that children bring bullying on themselves is an awful thing to say. Many physical characteristics can't be helped easily/at all and many features of our personalities and social behaviour at that age relate more to our upbringing and home life than anything we can really control or style ourselves to fit in. My parents hated football, fast food, branded clothing, eastenders, pop music etc. so learning about these things to try to fit and be less of a geek was a steep curve.

Eventually you find your niche.

As a mum now, I try to be as supportive as possible but not helicoptering. I try to let the kids have a few branded things that they really like/feel comfortable with, but not be too image focused. I think if a child is not spending the time feeling embarrassed about their clothes/haircut etc or hoping to not be noticed, they can focus on being themselves and making friends.

I also think encouraging them to be good friends and make good friendships, rather than chasing popularity.

I think a lot of the really worrying bullying happens online. I would not let them have social media accounts - or if they do make sure they have them locked tight so only their friends have access. Kids need to feel that home is there safe place. the internet and online games can be a minefield. Keep a close eye on who they are chatting with online.

Overall though - despite what this thread might lead you to believe - please don' t worry and don't let your worries pass on to your son. Let him go through the gates of his new school happy and confident. There is no need for you or him to be starting off thinking the worst. Schools have policies and proceedures. They don't always get it right but they really do try, despite some on MN who would have you believe otherwise. If he keeps with his friends, keeps himself bust and does not get drawn in to 'reacting' then he will be ok.

THEIR safe place - doh.

I was horribly bullied at the two secondary schools I went to. DC1 has just survived Yr7 unscathed. I have no idea if these helped or not but a few things I did were:

• bought her cheap school shoes & a cheap plain black rucksack when she started having explained that, once she had checked out what others were wearing/using, she could replace them. She's used both all year as they're so non-descript they're just under the radar
• regularly ask her if there's anything others have got/are doing etc that she wants. This gives her the opportunity to ask without having to ask if you see what I mean. On one occasion the answer was "everyone" had been to a new dessert place in the local town so we went there a couple of weekends later; on another it was that her friends were wearing clear nail varnish and could she
• explaining to her how friendships work - some have a hierarchy and you can be in different places in that hierarchy in different groups; that others are for a specific purpose etc - and relating those to my own friendship groups
• as she's a girl, making sure she knew what to expect when she first got her period & had the right things in the house
• asking if she wants to meet up with friends in them at weekends/in the holidays and what would those meet ups look like. Playing with the Playmobil and the having a tea of pasta followed by jelly and ice cream probably wasn't going to cut it!
• reminding her that I'm the grown up. This means that I have the final say on the rules (such as they are) but also that I've been there, done that so am better placed to sort out any pickles she's in that she might be. I don't have to sort them out but I can give her ideas of how to sort it out
• reminding her that this too shall pass. Secondary school can be fun with but, within a couple of years if doing my A levels, I'd lost touch with all but two of the people I was at school with
• reminding her that everyone is insecure and probably doing whatever rubbish thing they're doing to make themselves feel better.

I'm worried the above sounds unbearably smug and that those with older children (especially girls) will read this and laugh hollowly whilst thinking "just you wait until Yr 8/9/10"

Is he sporty? I think that's one way to avoid bullying. Although I don't think bullying is as bad mow as when I was at school. You have special learning mentors who help with social skills, quiet areas to have lunch etc

@spiderontheceiling I love that post and is v similar to what we be done with my two...a certain amount of not sticking your head above the parapet but also not being fake.

Bullying is inevitable - and it doesn't stop when they leave school. So all kids need to learn how to deal with them.
My advice would be:
Get him some self defence lessons so if he is threatened he knows what to do. As an unexpected benefit, both my DC really enjoyed it and got to black belts.
Teach him some responses so he has something to say if he is picked on and isn't left struggling trying to find words.

Teach him it's part of life and not his fault. Everybody gets bullied at some point.
Let him know it's ok by you if he does fight back - you'll support him whatever happens.
Sport is brilliant for kids as they join a team and become part of a group. Finding the right sport can take some time, but it's worth doing. DS played 2 pretty niche sports but enjoyed them and made good friends that way.
Encourage friends outside of school, so if it goes badly at school for a while, they still have friends outside.
Teach him how to turn off social media - you can't be bullied if you're not in the room.
When it happens, agree with him the best way to deal with it, don't go charging in. You have to listen and respect what he wants because it's his environment.

@haveiever

What attitude is that?

Being able to accurately assess a situation and describe it?

There are weird children in existence

Those children are often the ones bullied

It doesn't take a genius to put 2 and 2 together

@user73783

Never bullied anyone but thanks!

Thankfully there is one other reasonable human on this thread!

No, that’s NOT the same as you who has said that weird kids deserve to be bullied.

Thats a child starting a fight and goading other kids then crying victim when they give back.

Two completely different things

We made sure dc had same shoes and bag as everyone else. Encourage him to do lots of stuff outside of school and make friends from different schools.

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet

When did I say weird kids deserved to be bullied?

Gosh so many hard of understanding on here tonight.

I said some kids brought it on themselves. By continuing to display behavior that got them picked on. And yes in many cases that was being weird in various forms.

The boy in this other posters example also did that. A behaviour wasn't appreciated and he was picked on for it and he kept doing it.

It's odd how many on here are accusing me of being a bully, laughable really. Never bullied anyone just didn't feel the need to get involved defending someone who I knew was never going to help themselves. Many kids manage to coast through school and not attract attention from bullies, that's what children should aim for, rocking the boat is not great - especially for boys when bullying often takes more violent forms.

I said some kids brought it on themselves. By continuing to display behavior that got them picked on. And yes in many cases that was being weird in various forms.

Thats just another way of saying weird kids deserve to be bullied unless they change.

Many kids manage to coast through school and not attract attention from bullies, that's what children should aim for, rocking the boat is not great

Or we could tell kids to aim to be themselves no matter what other kids think. Otherwise you’re just playing into the bullies’ hands (and it doesn’t work anyway they’ll find something to pick on you for).

Mind you I’m preaching to the converted as you very clearly are a bully, and like a bully, you will never admit it but blame others for your actions.