How to ensure my son won't won't bullied in secondary school?

[thelongconmom]

I was badly bullied at secondary and hated it with a passion. it was similar to will from the inbetweeners where everyone called him "briefcase wanker" and even his mates didn't seem to like him that much but he was stuck with them. Well that was me and it was terrible.

I don't really know what started it, but once you are othered it sticks. Even people i didn't know or have classes with or recognise would 'know' me.
And trip me up, call me names, pull my clothes, rip my tights, pour drinks on me, lock me in the toilet stalls. there was no respite for the whole 5 years.

I really don't want my son to have to go through tthat.But how do I prevent it?
Is it a simple case of following trends and buying Nike shoes?
Im not really one for following trends but I'm willing to jump on any band wagon to ensure he fits in.

When should he invite friends round? do you still have birthday parties? What about sleepovers? I just don't know what's expected as my experience was wildly different from the norm.

Any advice appreciated.

No it's not

Again, maybe you can start to read and understand the definitions of words before replying.

Bringing it on yourself is different from me thinking they deserved to be bullied.

No one deserves to be bullied (not even the little twat who enjoyed posting weird neo Nazi shit on the school internal internet and was outed for it)

But some children who are bullied don't help themselves once that cycle starts. And those are the ones who end up bullied throughout school.

Hundreds of children were bullied throughout secondary when I was at school. 95% were bullied for a week and that was it. The 5% are the ones who don't help themselves and keep going.

Honest answer. Boxing lessons.

Yeah, that’s just many different ways of saying children deserve to be bullied for not changing. It’s victim blaming tosh and I’m embarrassed for you.

The 5% you mention haven’t brought it on themselves - they are not responsible for the pig ignorant, slope-skulled mouth breathers who are incapable of tolerating anything other than their idiot selves so feel they are entitled (backed by equally slope-skulled fools like yourself) to lash out at those poor kids.

I always wondered what kind of adults stuck up for kids who were bullies and what their reasons were - I can see from your views exactly how kids get away with it

They need to know they are secure in their own standards and personality - with your help of course. If the bullies say 'Do that otherwise you're stupid' Tell them to say. 'No thanks not bothered about what you think of me'
Because most bullies are v stupid

They sound super cool to me. I'm sorry they were bullied (and that people like you thought they were weird just for apparently not conforming) but yes, I also think they were cool by not trying to suck up to the bullies and doing their own thing.

Op, from the research I have read the thing that makes some kids less likely to be bullied is having a good friend. Even just having one friend makes a difference.

So, yes to helping him make friends but maybe also you could try to make friends with a mum who had got a similar aged child with whom you can exchange notes or who can advise you on what facilitating friendships looks like at that age

I'm really sorry for what you went through and I totally understand your worries. Ok hugely worried too about bullying. The teen world seems like a jungle but I would love to believe the posters who say that schools are trying to really hard to get on top of this problem and nip it in the bud.

People can screech @TypeMite all they want but the fact is bullying is a reality of school life and it’s a parent’s responsibility to make sure it’s not a fact of life for their child. Maybe her tips are helpful to some

I actually think this is an area where men often 'get it' more than most women, even if male aggression/hormones is often the cause. We're animals at the end of the day and a lot of bullying is about establishing the pecking order. Even when it's just being done out of sheer nastiness you can be assured the bully will go for the scapegoat 99% of the time.

Yes, fitting in helps and this can be aided by the right clothes etc, and even more so by confidence and how a child interacts with his peers. But ultimately the most effective thing to deter a bully is the knowledge that he'll get his arse kicked in public, or that the individual he's picking on won't be a pushover and will fight back.

No.

Teach your kid to stand up for itself
To walk tall. To have a smart remark in his pocket when needed.

Bullying is only relentless when the bullies find an easy target that doesnt fight back.

Just because you were bullied doesn't mean he will. Just raise him with the right tools. Bullying is a given. But the severity and duration is depending on the kid/its reaction to it.

Her tips are literally: don’t be weird.

Id never tell my kids to be anyone other than themselves. Of other people have so much of a problem with that they take it out on them, we will deal with it at the time. But I’m out pre-empting something that is unlikely to happen.

Middle class parents often don’t help their children on this issue because they’re too utopian.
All this ‘being the bigger person’ and thinking about what your assailant might be going through just turns you into a target. Sometimes, young men especially, you have to use your fists to get a bit of civility.

Typemite just based on this post alone you definitely do sound like you could have been a bully or an ally to bullies (did you laugh when they bullied someone, happy that it wasn't you they were picking on?) And you sound like a highly unpleasant adult. I hope you don't have children.

Sad but true. Reminding yourself that they must've had a shit life as they pummel you isn't really a good strategy.

@TypeMite a friend for you!

You'll both catch up one day. Though I'm surprised 2 posters with this attitude exist!!

Oh honey I really feel for you.

My twins started secondary 2 years ago, and while I am the most laid back person ever, them starting genuinely gave me nightmares. They are both softies, and are quite immature for their ages. I was so worried they'd be picked on or left out or both.

What I can say is that they are fine. They have quite a few friends between them, and while there has been instances of (what I would consider) low-level teasing and taking the piss which has upset my particularly sensitive boy, I have tried to retain a level head so I can coach him on how best to deal with it without making the situation worse for him.

Its just the reality of the situation - it’s not the kids fault of course - I usually put it down to parents who don’t teach the correct life skills

Can I suggest you don't take this advice OP? Unless you want him suspended by half term.........

if the kid clatters someone he might get excluded once but when he’s back from his surprise holiday no one will start on him again

Go private.

Bullying can be far worse in private school in my experience! Its just about who holidays in the right places rather thank nike trainers.

This thread shows just how many people have a naive viewpoint of bullying and schools. Some absolutely terrible advice, including:

• Buying ‘cool’ clothes to make them fit in. It’s not an American high school movie - if bullies target someone, they will find a reason to be awful. Your child could turn up to school in a helicopter and they’d take the piss.


• ’Find a witty comeback for your back pocket’ - your child will be laughed at and have it repeated to them forever more. It’s also very hard for victims to do this.


• ’Teach them how to hit’ - I know we’re constantly reading stories about how someone hit their bully and they were forever left alone however what is fat more likely to happen is bully hits them twice as hard back and it’s your child’s fault for starting it. Not to mention your child will get suspended because schools just cannot ever condone violence (even if they think ‘good for you’ in secret)


• Go private - bullying absolutely happens in private schools. I worked in one and sadly found that if it was a famous/wealthy family likely to make a donation to the school or bring 3 extra kids to the roll then the Head was unlikely to discipline a bully in any meaningful way. And the kids know this. If your bully is from an obscure family you might get them suspended though

Also it’s not 1985, schools dynamics have changed enormously these days. In my nieces’ secondary school the most popular crowd is headed by a boy who wears make up and heels. It’s weird to be ‘basic’ - if you don’t label yourself or identify as a unicorn it’s considered vanilla and odd.

Not sure you understand the meaning of excluded.

Also those things matter these days - it will follow your child all the way to University. Not a good idea

@Elmore so are the "correct life skills" to pretend to be what you aren't, hide and suppress your real interests and personality and never deviate from whatever half a dozen cool kids have decided is acceptable? In the example a pp gave of someone "bringing it on themselves" they were actively engaging with the bullies in a way that was likely to provoke, but that's a million miles away from being bullied because you're a "nerd" or into Anime or a champion chess player or like reading or aren't on social media and think tik tok is pointless or whatever it is. My DD is one such and just spent two hours on Amazon choosing a pencil case that was a nice colour but had absolutely nothing "weird" about it like a funny slogan or animal because "she'll get laughed at". She hasn't yet found the strength to just go her own way but I'm bolloxed if I'm telling her to hide.

Friends with gentler quirky lads were anxious when they started at the local boys secondary but all been pleasantly surprised. School so big they found their like minded tribes and are thriving.

schools are better now dds girls school are very proactive you get into trouble if you even witness bullying and don’t report it.

Dd had an unpleasant incident in year 7 where her entire new “ friendship” group turned on her spread mad rumours and tried to ensure no one else would be friends with her. Driven by one jealous bored girl. She sat alone at lunch etc. That was 2 weeks of hell for our family. She’s rebuilt and a year on is the most cool girl in the year. Ex bully is desperate to be included in dds new group. She can fuck right off.

I had very similar experiences to you (it’s weird how there seems to be a network of bullies at school who hone in on you (me) from different directions like they have some kind of radar). I was really worried for my own children going in to senior school but I was lucky private school was an option so they went there. It was small and they never encountered bullying which was a big relief to me. I think when you’ve been bullied at school it becomes a bigger worry when your own children are going. If state school is the only option then just monitor the situation and keep an eye on any personality changes (you’ll know from your own experiences).