How to ensure my son won't won't bullied in secondary school?

[thelongconmom]

I was badly bullied at secondary and hated it with a passion. it was similar to will from the inbetweeners where everyone called him "briefcase wanker" and even his mates didn't seem to like him that much but he was stuck with them. Well that was me and it was terrible.

I don't really know what started it, but once you are othered it sticks. Even people i didn't know or have classes with or recognise would 'know' me.
And trip me up, call me names, pull my clothes, rip my tights, pour drinks on me, lock me in the toilet stalls. there was no respite for the whole 5 years.

I really don't want my son to have to go through tthat.But how do I prevent it?
Is it a simple case of following trends and buying Nike shoes?
Im not really one for following trends but I'm willing to jump on any band wagon to ensure he fits in.

When should he invite friends round? do you still have birthday parties? What about sleepovers? I just don't know what's expected as my experience was wildly different from the norm.

Any advice appreciated.

I'm starting to see which were the posters who were bullied in school on this thread - very sensitive

You think being a victim of bullying is an insult...? You don't have to have been bullied to not like arseholes

So many points to choose from! I think you need to work on your tolerance. I absolutely get it at secondary school. But now, as a grown up, you should see they were just getting through school and being themselves. They probably remember how tough it was.

The fact you judge them still is a bit difficult for me to get my head around!

@Johnnysgirl

Still not sneering

More being objective

If someone is picking on you for being weird the usual method of defense isn't to be even weirder

I don't think anyone is saying weird children don't exist.

I think they are astounded an appalled that being wierd means they are bringing it on themselves. Talk about victim blaming. And that is 100% what you are doing. Victim blaming. By which thought process you must have brought the miscarriage wish on yourself ....just like the wierd kids.

BUt no, it was her being nasty. Not your fault. Because you weren't wierd......

Can you see your arguement does not add up?

@TypeMite classy.

@TypeMite has completely hijacked op's thread with her obnoxious weirdness, in her belaboured attempt to insist that some people are weird.
Slightly ironic, really.

I’m so so sorry to read this

having three teenagers, with one just left sixth form I can say from their experience it is a mix of personality/resilience/character/humour/and being with whatever is happening in the now
ds 1 was the PlayStation generation and sporty/outdoors, easy going, a bit reserved but doesn’t rub people the wrong way, didn’t need to lead, just happy to be part of group
ds 2 Minecraft/magic tricks/chess/academic so a total bully magnet (whatever that means) however, very funny and charming so a mix of nerdy but helpful/supportive to peers and a person that people like spending time with
dd 1 totally naive but funny and outgoing and always has guys ideas and can jolly along a group

would say with the change
in social media and other influences branding has come into play with dc3

first two have never said anything about clothes or labels but were bought quality/ hard wearing items items I guess

dc3 going into yr 9 and I have relented and moved from Clark’s to purchasing a pair of Nikes for school

apart from all these things encourage friends over on a Friday after school, other activities if you can to cement school friendships outside school and if possible to have a club outside school to have another friendship stream

@PantyMcPantFace

Do you understand the definition of bullying?

As it doesn't seem like you do

A one off nasty comment isn't bullying

So I never 'invited' bullying as I never was bullied

A one off nasty comment from a troubled girl isn't bullying.

As I said before, those who were severely bullied throughout school were weird. Other people were bullied and it was seasonal, those were the ones who did nothing 'wrong' and were picked on for random shit.

I really don't see why you struggle comprehending this difference, thankfully another poster saw this themselves.

Nah

People finding fault with facts hijacked this thread

Don't @ me if you don't want a reply

OP, what struck me in your first post was where you said due to you own experience you feel ill prepared to help your son.
While I do think you may struggle to naturally put a positive spin on school, please don't get hung up on your experience not being the reason for not knowing how things work in secondary r.e. parties, fashions, sleepovers etc.

You went to secondary many years ago and things are so different now, regardless of whether you loved or hated school.
For starters the school will have a bullying policy which you can read up on. You and your son will probably sign a home-school agreement.
The school will have a named pastoral lead, or the head of year should be more accessible to parents then they were in our day.
Arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can.

I have made sure my son knows how serious bullying is and never to use the word falsely.

You also have a remarkably similar writing style (and same childish mindset) to the poster on another thread, trying to convince to the OP she was sad and boring for not having friends. I wonder if there's a connection there. @TypeMite

Funny, cause you still sound like you ought to be back in the playground with an attitude like that.

@thelongconmom

I also forgot. Teach your son what a troll is. And remind him to ignore them. The book I posted (or similar) will probably help.

I may go and read it myself right now.

I was always at risk of being a target for being ginger and really socially awkward. I mainly stayed under the radar by keeping up with trends, avoiding sticking out in any way and not giving a reaction. Oh and dying my hair every 4-6 weeks from the age of 11 plus tanning. One of my parents siblings was badly bullied for being ginger throughout school so whilst it wasn’t generally age-appropriate it was the right call.

I just checked and you were actually on that thread. Defending yourself that poster. So this is just what you do.

Oh - and if your DS is "wierd", please be reassured this does not mean he is asking to be bullied. Or that he will be. Things have moved on. Thank god.

And if he ever gets a one off comment/incident or does suffer from bullying...it is not his fault. He can be who he is. Keeping his head down a bit to find the lay of the land is a good idea to start with - and stick with his friends from primary. Making friends with girls is often a good idea (tends to happen more from mid Y7 onwards) as mixed friendship groups can work better.

Encourage him to join clubs at school (school will hopefully encourage him to do so too) as this is where he will meet his tribe.

Mostly encourage him to have self-belief in who he is. If he wants to go to coding club and rubiks-cube club rather than football club then that is fine. The club will have people he may gel with. The "popular" kids may laugh - but he will be happier and more confident doing his stuff than trying (and probabaly failing) to fit in with the people/clubs/hobbies that are not him.

Honestly the best thing you can do is teach him self-worth, to be kind but to be confident enough to speak up. Kids spot & pounce on what they see as ‘weaker’ - cruel but true, so often the nice kids are the unluckiest. Also, create a home life that is stable & he one where he feels he can ‘talk’ to you.

I was bullied on my way home most days - on my way home to a chaotic, non supportive home. It wasn’t a nice time.

bullying is my absolute pet hate & I would choose a school that stamped out bullying rather than a ‘make the right noises’ academic school.

This won’t be popular but if anyone starts shit make she he knows he can finish it. If someone hits make sure he knows to hit back twice as hard. And if any of his teachers have a problem tell them to do one.

Sadly I don't think there is anything you can do to ensure your DC doesn't get bullied.

Bullies are just vile. There is no rhyme or reason to who they pick, they are just pure and simple vile.

The best thing you can do it make sure they know, you are always there to listen and be a sounding board. They need to initially (think) know of course you won't make a show and go kicking off with the school/ bully's parents etc unless they want you to , so they can open up with you, offload and share what's happening.

Then when you decide it's enough, you sort it out yourself.

I am terrified of our beautifully kind, caring and very, very petite little boy going to high school (he's going into year 1 in September so thinking ahead is my forte ) kids are cruel but we are teaching him some children don't have the love and support he has at home, some kids aren't taught right from wrong at home, but we are trying to teach him resilience, which is hard and sad that we need to, but mainly I still in him. We are here, we are a team as a family and can and should tell us anything that worries him, ever !,

Tell him to avoid people like @TypeMite like the plague, and probably children of theirs too, bullies breed bullies.

Actually, we did this with DS/DD too. Don't hit back first time. But absolutely hit back if they go in for number 2. And yes - twice as hard! We would 100% have his back if this happened.

Our DS goes to a nice school, but he had to learn this in reception !!!!
A boy was being unkind, our DS was telling miss, miss was trying to sort it.

We told him, go in, kick him back as hard as you physically can.
It all stopped, the boys are mates now.

I also agree with this, teach them they don't have to live everyone and it's ok to distance yourself from ..well.....knobs

I never knew of one child in secondary who was seriously bullied that didn't somewhat bring it on themselves.

100% the words of a bully.

Thankfully in adult life people can usually spot the pond scum and avoid them like the plague