Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Call the police or am I wasting police time

381 replies

GarlicCrackers · 20/08/2022 01:24

Partner went out on his motorbike to go to an open Mike night. Said he would be home at 11.

11.20 he messages to say sorry he didn’t realise the time he’d be home soon.

it’s now 1.20 and he isn’t answering his phone. Facebook messages show as not delivered, and when I ring his phone it either says this persons phone is switched off or it rings with no answer.

im sure he is fine and is having a good time but I’m pregnant and currently an insomniac, I’m worried. We live in York, I’m worried he has had an accident, or maybe he stupidly had a drink and then something happened on his motorbike.

Would I be wasting police time if I rang and asked if they’d had any reports? Do I just wait? I can’t sleep. We have dogs and they bark their heads off when he gets home so he knows it’s not on to come home really late as it wakes me up and I’m an irritable pregnant lady, I’m happy for him to stay out at a friends when he goes out to avoid that. But he’s not communicated anything

OP posts:
Original poster
GarlicCrackers · 04/09/2022 02:22

friskybivalves · 02/09/2022 21:32

As nicely as possible, perhaps the contraception debaters could start their own thread and stop taking this one down a cul de sac.

OP - hope this weekend goes OK for you and passes with the least possible stress!

I ended up having to move him using my car as he can’t make plans to save his life, or rather he had made plans but they were stupid. He also didn’t anticipate how long it would take, I let him pack the car and he did it so badly. He still has a desk, pc etc to move so I’ve asked him to be here at 9am tomorrow. He won’t be here at 9am because he’s not even got home from a night out yet.

he’s been sending me memes via messenger all night, to which I’ve just opened the message and not responded because I don’t even care for memes.

also, what idiot doesn’t pack clothes. He actually moved out and didn’t take any of his clothes but you can bet he took his TVs.

I made no comments as he was packing though, I just watched.

I don’t particularly want to help him but at least then I know it’s done, so I dont really see it as help.I’ve not found it stressful as instead of organising him, I’ve just sat on the sofa whilst he fills the car.

apologies for the awful punctuation, I’m on my iPad and I cannot be bothered to correct. Also, usual late night insomnia!

OP posts:
Original poster
GarlicCrackers · 04/09/2022 02:25

Oh I suppose I should be grateful he left me the 65inch TV that he realised is bigger than his living room wall.

I forgot, i did have a question. Can he just take himself off the tenancy? He told me he’d contribute £500 a month til I moved because we’re on a fixed tenancy. Now he’s denying he said that. But he gave me two weeks notice, didn’t even ask what my finances would be like. Phoned our letting agent before he’d even spoken to me who said they’d take him off once he was sorted. Surely they sent just do that? Quite frankly I want him to remain fucking liable til I move!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/09/2022 02:49

also, what idiot doesn’t pack clothes. He actually moved out and didn’t take any of his clothes but you can bet he took his TVs.

I made no comments as he was packing though, I just watched.

I remember the blissful time I looked at exH and had a moment of complete clarity, "you're not my problem any more". It was wonderful. So he watches TV in the nude; not your problem.

You have to balance the liability of the tenancy with the rights. Do you want him o be able to come into your home, with a locksmith if he wants, because he's on the tenancy? I'd want him removed. But check your benefit entitlement etc. Find a way.

Fraaahnces · 04/09/2022 03:10

Call the letting agent and check I assume they can’t, so get a letter to prove this.

Original poster
GarlicCrackers · 04/09/2022 03:20

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/09/2022 02:49

also, what idiot doesn’t pack clothes. He actually moved out and didn’t take any of his clothes but you can bet he took his TVs.

I made no comments as he was packing though, I just watched.

I remember the blissful time I looked at exH and had a moment of complete clarity, "you're not my problem any more". It was wonderful. So he watches TV in the nude; not your problem.

You have to balance the liability of the tenancy with the rights. Do you want him o be able to come into your home, with a locksmith if he wants, because he's on the tenancy? I'd want him removed. But check your benefit entitlement etc. Find a way.

It would only be for three months, and he’s half an hour away now. He’s unlikely to waltz in, he has some morals…some.

Grinding my teeth at the audacity of him being surprised that I’d think about whether I have permission for him to not be liable for the rent we both committed together to. It’s not small change, it’s over a grand!

I guess there is also an argument that I can’t have it both ways, be happy for him to move out but also want him still to be liable. However I didn’t also expect him to go behind my back and rent a flat without even asking me if it would affect my finances so I’m just mardy.

OP posts:
Boreded · 04/09/2022 03:20

GarlicCrackers · 20/08/2022 01:30

He’s out with a relatively new friend, I only know his first name. Checked FB and can’t see he has a friend by that name

Show quote history

Affair?

Boreded · 04/09/2022 03:27

Boreded · 04/09/2022 03:20

Affair?

Show quote history

Ignore me - I’m dumb, and it’s 3:30am

Leypt1 · 04/09/2022 05:12

Did you mean to be so short with someone being nice to you, and sharing such a sensitive story with you?

Leypt1 · 04/09/2022 05:14

GarlicCrackers · 01/09/2022 12:39

I didn’t ring the emergency number, I rang 101 and waited patiently on hold for 25 minutes

Show quote history

Sorry, meant to quote this

BabyDreamers · 04/09/2022 08:04

What an absolutely messed up situation. It is all extremely unfortunate.

TolkiensFallow · 04/09/2022 08:06

Oh OP it sounds like you’ll be so much better off without him!

BabyDreamers · 04/09/2022 08:09

Sounds like he feels like you've trapped him. Being a single parent is hard to begin with but it's the most rewarding thing. I'm sure you will be fine.

CornishTiger · 04/09/2022 08:34

Isn’t it funny how he can rent a flat but can’t do all the other basic adult stuff including sorting his belongings. You will be sooooooo much better off without him.

MsRosley · 04/09/2022 09:02

GarlicCrackers · 01/09/2022 18:20

I should note that I was on the pill taken consistently, something went wrong obviously.

I had said, I'll have the coil to avoid me forgetting - he said no I have hesrd they can fail. Even then he didn't suggest he also used condoms....

If he didn't take steps to curtail his own fertility, then he consented to be a parent. Men do not have a right to consequence-free (for themselves) sex. You should claim maintenance, OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/09/2022 09:17

I also think you would be best off with him not on the tenancy. Can you try to get the money out of him another way? Contribution to the cost for the baby before being born eg car seat, pram, cot, nappies, clothes etc.

MyneighbourisTotoro · 04/09/2022 09:32

You will be so much happier without him OP, it’s just going to take time to get sorted.
How is your eldest coping with it all? (unsure if your DP is their Dad)
Is it worth checking entitled to to see if you can get any help/benefits for the rent if they do take him off the tenancy? As a single parent you may be able to claim something and your council tax will also be reduced so make sure you inform your local LA so you can reduce your bill.

Emptyandsad · 04/09/2022 09:40
  1. You are being really nice to him
  1. You sound so strong - I am in awe
  1. Evenings in with your mum watching scandi crime sounds blissful - have you seen Rebecka Martinsson? It's great. Also Deadwind...
oakleaffy · 04/09/2022 09:44

@GarlicCrackers
At the beginning of your posts I thought “ He isn’t going to be around when the baby is born”
So many signs
My own husband, the night before our ( Small) wedding said “I need a walk.. My last walk as a single man”

He has been married three times since then!

If men don’t want to be caught out with “Accidents” ( often not accidental from woman’s perspective) they need condoms aplenty or a vasectomy.

Rosscameasdoody · 04/09/2022 10:01

LastWordsOfALiar · 20/08/2022 02:45

Hmmm this isn't on at all. OP, I don't mean to stress you out but I'd be worried he's seeing a woman. Goes out with 'new' friend. Late. Turns phone off. Turns phone back on and sends curt text.

Nah, I'd be absolutely pissed. And highly suspicious personally. I'd be researching who was performing and asking him a few questions tomorrow to make sure he was actually there. Too many men cheat, sadly when their partners are pregnant.

But even if he's telling the truth he's been a massive knob.

FFS !! I wondered how long it would be before someone came up with this. Do you not think the OP is stressed enough without planting this kind of doubt in her mind ?

CuriousMama · 04/09/2022 10:24

You're well rid. It's good you have your mum's support. How's your dd coping? Does she like exdp?

Inertia · 04/09/2022 10:30

OP clearly does have a lot to deal with. However, if Ex has been having sex with other women then there is a risk of him contracting an STI and passing on to OP, which can have consequences in terms of managing pregnancy and birth safely.

Marmight · 04/09/2022 10:39

I assume that you are going to give the baby your surname?
Are you going to put him on the bc?

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/09/2022 10:42

You sound like you will be absolutely fine OP!

However, do claim every Penny from him, if you don’t want it for daily expenses, then stick it in an account that your child can use for university fees or a house deposit.

At best this bloke is going to be a drift in and out Dad, who won’t contribute much of anything to your child’s emotional security t, so at the very least make sure helps lay down financial security. Think about house much worse your life would be if you didn’t have inheritance to buy a house.

BordoisAgain · 04/09/2022 10:44

chaosmaker · 01/09/2022 10:55

And as we all know, the only way to do that 100% is never to have sex!

Show quote history

God forbid men have to refrain from having sex 😲

It's just women who are supposed to keep their legs shut if they don't want to deal with the consequences of having sex!

Twawmyarse · 04/09/2022 11:23

GarlicCrackers · 20/08/2022 04:37

He got home at 2.30. He said he hadn’t updated me after “I’ll be home shortly” at 11.20 as he got talking to someone. He walked in, went straight to the spare room and didn’t apologise. I asked him to come in to our room and he was highly pissed off that I had called the police.

Not to drip feed, but I had forgotten it was the anniversary of his dads death (10 years ago) which is one of the reasons I was so worried when he said he was on his way home but didn’t turn up. Turns out he was just at a lock-in at a pub. He said the only reason he told me he’d be home by 11 was because if he hadn’t said a time I’d have been cross. It’s not quite true, I just don’t want to be woken up when I am already not getting enough sleep. I’m trying not to be restrictive but I’ve has the worst pregnancy insomnia. He on the other hand wants to live as much life as possible before the baby arrives as he says he will not be allowed to do anything when it’s here. Unfortunately it’s the third time this week (usually it’s only once)

I was trying not to be upset but I just ended up a sobbing mess because he didn’t believe my worry was justified, and then…..he doesn’t want to be a dad. Oh dear!

Hes only just gone to sleep, he’s unlikely to get up with the dogs so I’ve resigned myself to doing it.

What a dickhead.

Unfortunately lots of mens true colours start coming our when their partner is pregnant and they start behaving like selfish children scared they are about to have their youth and freedom taken away - it happened to me too. Hope your ok OP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread