Call the police or am I wasting police time

[GarlicCrackers]

Partner went out on his motorbike to go to an open Mike night. Said he would be home at 11.

11.20 he messages to say sorry he didn’t realise the time he’d be home soon.

it’s now 1.20 and he isn’t answering his phone. Facebook messages show as not delivered, and when I ring his phone it either says this persons phone is switched off or it rings with no answer.

im sure he is fine and is having a good time but I’m pregnant and currently an insomniac, I’m worried. We live in York, I’m worried he has had an accident, or maybe he stupidly had a drink and then something happened on his motorbike.

Would I be wasting police time if I rang and asked if they’d had any reports? Do I just wait? I can’t sleep. We have dogs and they bark their heads off when he gets home so he knows it’s not on to come home really late as it wakes me up and I’m an irritable pregnant lady, I’m happy for him to stay out at a friends when he goes out to avoid that. But he’s not communicated anything

Also, why do these arseholes always use the anniversary of someone's death to behave like an even bigger arsehole? MASSIVE EYEROLL!!

No I didn't but I was also on a drop having an iron infusion whilst crying my eyes out

I can't believe how reasonable you are being in this situation, and although this sounds derogatory towards pregnant ladies, I am amazed how intelligent and with it your messages are given your current situation, and makes me wonder how much of his crap you were having to deal with.
His man-childness is everything to do with him not understanding that you were worried / upset etc... he just sees it as "why is my parent checking up on me, she never stops nagging"... he doesn't see himself as your partner, and that is his failing, not yours. He has a lot of issues which are his to deal with, no matter how patient you have tried to be.

Unfortunately at this point I have to smack your wrists slightly at this point and say that because he's on the tenancy he is allowed legally to enter that property, so you can't technically lock him out. (Although of course I completely agree with what you did morally, and perhaps your mind 'just slipped' that he was out when you locked the front door!). That leads onto the problems with joint tenancies, effectively he cannot be removed from the tenancy except if you both (and the landlord) agree, (it's to do with the risk of you not paying).. although clearly you are the wage earner. If he is on the tenancy then he can come and go as he pleases, and any damage he causes is your liability. Personally I'd really start to consider getting rid of him from the tenancy as quickly as possible and the money be damned if that is at all viable.
Perhaps if you can get a loan to pay the next few months, then when he pays his child support you can use that to pay back the loan. however please please please tripple check you have the finances to be able to do that.

I wish you al the best

Apologies to anyone if I have been short with them where unnecessary as a previous PP suggested. My attention span is shot to bits and I just seem to reply to certain parts.

He didn't turn up at 9am. He didn't answer his phone so I drove half an hour and banged on his door, got him in the car and we are here. My reason, he has band practice this evening and even if he wasn't finished moving he'd choose band practice. I want this spare room back!!!

However, I'm even rethinking being amicable. I believe little one has a right to know their flakey father however he posted this on FB two days ago. I don't "follow" him as he posts the most banal but controversial anti vax anti anything shit which has only got worse since I've known him.

His family know we are having a baby, so I find the post extremely embarrassing. I haven't mentioned it to him as he sintered and hungover and I do want to get him out of the house without distractions. We'd agreed he could come round tocsee the dog during the week, that we'd spend time together amicably to keep a semblance of a relationship so when baby was born he could have the opportunity to be involved if he wanted to. Not for my sake but I guess I thought that was a fair thing to do. I have to get over how I feel, and think about the long term impact on baby etc.

But now.....I mean, if his family have seen that - I'm absolutely humiliated. Am I reading too much? Isn't it pretty vile? What did I ever see in him.

Sintered = is tired

It's a narcisist's behaviour. They are angry that it's not about them, that it's about someone else, and they want to be the center of attention. If they were just withdrawn, sad, etc.. and wanted to open up (but didn't know how to) then it would be the standard 'man' response.

He's awful and I do think you should cut all ties. Give him the dog if it's the only way to do it.

I'm really shocked by his post. He seems to be very aggressive in the way he describes babies. Don't let him look after yours.

If it was the other way around, i.e. if a woman decided not to want to carry on with the pregnancy and if the man insisted, I think the advice/comments would be very different.

Unbelievably insane comment.

Firstly you shouldn't apologise. Anyone who can empathise or has been in similar will understand completely what you are going through. Others are more interested in seeing their own comments in lights. (The irony of this doesn't escape me).
Forget about why you got together, it was a different time and you were both different people. You need to look towards the future, not today whilst everything is so raw.

Completely going off a situation I was involved with recently, I'd remove the fuse for the TV and the Wifi, so he doesn't get distracted whilst he's round 'seeing the dog' and having a conversation.
As he has already stated his intentions for the foetus then I think that even if he has a semblance of trying to be involved, it will soon fade away, he on't change nappies etc... and I for one would not want to leave him with the child at all, because I think he'd be far to interested in playing his playstation that "He bought round for the 3 mth old" on the 65" TV.

Unfortunately from his post and want you were saying, it sounds like he wants his viewpoint to be agreed to by complete strangers to make himself feel better. Bit pathetic really.

Sorry I missed this earlier.

Pretty case scenario I think my grandma may bail me out if it came to it, I wouldn't want that of course so I'm already living to the max efficiency I can. Full freezer of food, plenty of tins so I'm trying to make sure I get a balanced diet whilst pregna t but not spend anything.

I probably do need to suck it up and agree for him to come off the tenancy, he has already caused some damage to the property - which I'll have to pay to fix. He dragged something through the kitchen and tore the lino. It's cheap from carpetrite so maybe mum and I need to learn how to lay lino....

I really think its for the best he’s left. Imagine dealing with this nonsense with a newborn. He is a total wanker. I think you have got so used to putting his needs and wants above your own that it will be a while before you can refocus. The only way he’s ever going to grow up is if he’s made to be responsible for his decisions. If you can , stop debating with yourself about maintenance. You made this child together, and the child deserves the best you can both offer. In your case that’s a really good best! But all they may get from their father is minimum maintenance. Take it, don’t apologise for wanting it, dont discuss it at all. Never say thanks. It’s not for you, it’s for your baby.
And if he starts mithering about the dog, hand it over( and dont ask how he’s gonna get it to his no pets place on a motorbike). I say that as someone with 3 dogs of my own. I know you love the dog, but I wouldnt let that wanker have “you stole my dog” to hold over my head. And stop with the taxi service. The more you do for wankers, the more they expect.
I’m glad you have support from your Mum. You will be fine.

Can’t believe I used wanker 3 times. Other descriptors are available!

Hi @GarlicCrackers you don’t need to worry too much about him coming off tenancy at moment as you are planning to end it and you don’t want to enter into a new fixed term with the landlord.

The Lino. That might comes off your deposit. However really depends if new. Fair wear and tear and Lino is so easy to tear. Get some carpet spray glue and stick it down to stop it getting worse.

Give him the dog. You don’t need that additional responsibility or cost. Nor do you need him hanging around to visit it.

Apply for maintenance. Contact with child to be agreed.

Its funny because I sound together but dear me I have sobbed and sobbed. I think I will stop once his "presence" has left the house entirely, when I'm not still finding socks of his that he didn't bother to put in the wash basket.

I've cried with anger, I've cried with sadness. I don't want to be abandoned again by a man. But I mean what am I actually holding on to? He frequently abandons me even when he hasn't left the house! I still am very much wrapped up in his narcissism and its a daily battle to be honest. I'm hoping this is the last car load as I don't want to do another. I want to come home, tidy up spare room - move things into it I've been storing for baby thay are littered around the house and purge the smell of beer from that room.

So sorry you are in this situation, it's amazing that men can completely abdicate all responsibility.

If you do fit the lino yourself, it is easy, just make sure you measure the widest parts of the room and don't forget to measure the doorway threshold (unlike me ), get some lino spray adhesive and just glue the edges, not the whole floor. If you want to you can also mastic the edges to give a nice effect.

Ffs, I wouldn’t put his name on the birth certificate. I’d keep that message to use if he gets threatens legal bullshit. (Doubt he will..) Just move, block him and don’t forward address.

OP, you sound so capable it’s easy to forget what an emotional rollercoaster you’re on atm and that’s not even taking into account your pregnancy hormones.

That post from your ex is despicable and anyone with half a brain will see him for what he is - whether related to him or not. I’m guessing he posted it from a position of weakness rather than actual wickedness but either way you’re best off not having to deal with it. He’s behaving horribly.

who knows what the next 18 years will look like? He obviously has a lot of growing up to do and it’s possible he may surprise you. That said, you clearly have it all in you to provide a happy, stable life for your children - it’s great too that you have your mum as well - so I agree you’d be best to proceed entirely on your own terms and give him no leeway. He’s the one that has the running to make up and then some.

im so excited for your new home, new baby, new family. Good luck!

"abandoned again by a man", hmmm.. having male genitalia only makes him a c*ck, not a man.
It really is his loss and he will either learn the lesson or not.
You already know that you are going to be better off without him, and frankly as you were already having to be his mother then you've not really lost, beause you got rid of one person acting like a baby in your house, and it will be replaced by an actual baby acting like a baby.
A baby who smells like baby powder rather than beer and farts.
A baby who will giggle at you rather than get upset because you asked them to run a hoover over the floor.
A baby who will get you up half way through the night, because they are hungry, not because they are horny.

Laying Lino, really easy in reality once you have cut it down to the right size. You may even (if it's only a tear) be able to glue it back down with a bit of spray contact adhesive. Youtube is your friend here.
Sorry that your finances are already stretched, in which case. Obviously please don't forget if there is now only 1 adult in the house your council tax will drop a bit (a quarter). Also if he was on your car insurance then it can be worth taking him off it (can be worth it even with the £50 admin fee).

Amazing post, Mollymoofer, saying exactly what I was trying in my cack handed way to say.

You know...in his situation I can understand having the thoughts in that post. Not very honourable but I can understand him thinking it.

To share it very publicly, though, knowing who will see it, is utterly contemptible. Your thoughts don't dictate the person you are. Your actions do.

You sound like you really have your shit together, seriously well done, I was a mess when pregnant. My advice would be get home out, make a separate email address for contact about baby and give him it, block him on everything else, don't add him to the BC, don't tell him when the baby is born and let him do the leg work.

OP, I want to say some things I hope might help.

1. I have quite a few friends who don’t have children by choice. Some get along great with kids and some just don’t really know what to do with kids. But none of them, whether they’re Mary Poppins or the opposite, would say what your ex-DP said on Facebook. That’s a disgusting comment from someone who is, in fact, expecting a baby.
2. BUT it is NOT something for YOU to be humiliated by. He’s the one who should be humiliated! Anyone who read that would at a bare minimum roll their eyes, and probably permanently lower their opinion of him, unless they’re childish, selfish idiots, too (and I’d imagine some of his friends are). You said you’d feel humiliated because his family might have seen it. But what do you have to be humiliated about? That you trusted someone you shouldn’t have? Because everyone, absolutely everyone, has made that mistake.
3. Keep records of all this stuff. Him wanting you to have a termination, him saying he’s moving out because he doesn’t want to be a dad, him making these comments on Facebook. If he’s as big of a shite as you say, I’m concerned he’ll STILL try for custody at some point, maybe as early as possible, because he won’t want to pay maintenance, not because he gives a fuck about the child’s well-being, and the very last thing you want to do is ever share custody with a man who posts a message like that. Whoever called him a wanker three times in one message is right.

Good luck, @GarlicCrackers . And just because you’re a sobbing mess doesn’t mean you’re not strong. It doesn’t mean you don’t have it together. You’ll cry because it hurts, you’ll cry because it’s a fresh wound, you’ll cry because you’re mad, and eventually, you’ll cry because you’re glad it’s all over, and then cry with joy when your new little one is here. You’re going to be okay.

100% This! ♥️♥️
Sending you hugs @GarlicCrackers xx

The worst part of this is from my experience when he sees the kid who he's wanted to be rid of,said the most

God awful things about them.and of course you can never tell the child this! How dad wouldn't love or care for it,could never.
And then either buggers off. or sometimes worse falls on love with the child.and you can't change the man.hes still an asswholes but is the Disney dad or eyes have been opened and he loves the bones off them.that can hurt.and can emotionally horrible because on one hand your so pleased your child has got a dad! Bit on the other you hate yourself for bro g angry this man told you " kill the bastard thing off it's like having a shit "

For you op I think you sound incredible.and by your posts your you g to be a short mum.and very capable.
Take it a day at a time.bit don't look back.go forwards now. You've had memories with this man.made a human for goodness sake. Of course their are flippity emotions going on. But he does not deserve you.he really doesn't.
Your set up with your mum sounds awesome. And especially with the coming months of cost of living crisis it might be really great for all sorts of reasons.
I'd try getting as much as you can now.before price hikes and unavailability.also be aware shipping for furniture and such things are rediculous so look into that bit of info every time your ordering.
With cost it can be helpful to add something a week.thst way your slowly building what you need but not a lump panicked sum.
Also get him to pay what he should do! He made this child too.if you don't wish to spend now( I think you will though) put it in a account for lo future.
Many of us ha e followed mum journeys to birth on here after strife.and like them we can be here if you need us.tale as much support as you can.

Please stop acting so soft with this twat - running him around, saying he can stop by to see a) the dog, b) his child (in that order) whenever he feels like it, saying you won't claim child maintenance. Why does he get to live a consequence free existence? Is he younger than you, as you do seem to be playing a maternal role? You will need to put structure and boundaries in place for yours and your baby's wellbeing. And what about your 10 year old? The poor thing must be shaken up by all of this too.

Finally, to the posters saying he's been trapped into parenthood, you should have terminated the pregnancy etc. If this wanker is so adamant he never wanted children (and judging by his social media comments he clearly detests them), why on earth doesn't he have/didn't he have a vasectomy?