To never set foot in a baby group again?

[NumberSixteen]

Why oh why do they have to be so clicky?
Just braved one with my 3 year Old and 5 month old and literally got stared at as I walked in by the other mums all sat round a big table but no one said a word other than the lady who took my money for the group 😳 AIBU to think you'd at least make someone knew feel welcome?

yep, felt that 22 years ago in several baby groups, never went back again

Yeah I managed to ge through lockdowns without one. But did you say hi to them?

I think it’s a case of you get back what you put in. So go up and talk to people!

Likelihood is you felt you were going to be stared at and you thought it would be clicky so you took them noticing you as “staring” and didn’t talk to anyone.

If you didn’t say hello I’m not sure how you can possibly blame them for being clicky.

I think it’s a case of you get back what you put in. So go up and talk to people!
Likelihood is you felt you were going to be stared at and you thought it would be clicky so you took them noticing you as “staring” and didn’t talk to anyone.
If you didn’t say hello I’m not sure how you can possibly blame them for being clicky.

It is only polite to welcome new people by saying hello to them, not the other way around! The OP may be shy or introverted. I personally hate going into a room where there is a whole group of new people, none of whom know me, so I think it is brave of her to do so.

Obviously it's entirely up to you but I loved toddler groups when mine were little. I went to at least 2 a week for several years. I found going frequently, chatting to anyone and everyone and offering to tidy up etc helped.

Oh yes, it’s brave. But you can’t expect every person there to go up and say hello.

If you want to make friends, you have to put the effort in. So you have to make yourself known, say hello, help tidy up and play etc

The people who will miss out are your DC, so YABU. Give it another try.

YA(definitely)NBU.

I attended a toddler group for about two years before anyone actually spoke to me properly or asked me basic information like my name. I did try and strike up conversation and occasionally had an interaction about something our little ones were doing - but then the other mums would literally turn their chairs or turn their backs on me. There’s something weird about some toddler groups in some areas I think.

I moved home to another area for my second and that toddler group couldn’t have been more pleasant!

I went to my fair share of unfriendly ones. One I distinctly remember was when myself and another lady were new and the woman running it invited the other lady to join in with a group of mums who knew each other but ignored me! I messaged the group on Facebook to let them know just how unfriendly I found it, especially as they were boasting about how friendly and welcoming the group was!

I'd definitely try another one, with a friend if possible, but if you go on your own, focus on your LO. Make smalltalk with someone else on their own. They're not all bad!

I managed 10 minutes at one and then had to leave, I had a panic attack when I got outside (I was going through a particularly difficult time and suffer with social anxiety though so probably not the most balanced view).

Yeah, I hated them too.

Better off paying for an actual block of activities as they are more structured.

It's a bit of both, if you go in and don't speak or appear approachable, people won't talk to you. I've attended a few different toddler groups over the years and I didn't really find them cliquey. People just talked to whoever they were sat near or didn't talk to anyone and were there for their children to play, not to make friends themselves. There were a few women that only spoke to a few select other women but I think it's worth giving it a bit longer before you decide to write it off.

Did you make the effort to chat to people? Did you initiate conversation?
There's no point being passive, if you think this would benefit your children, try again.

For those asking I did smile and say hello but didn't get a response and then my DS takes a while to warm up in new situations so wanted me right by him playing and all the other mums were sat round a table together away from the toys.
I've been to friendlier groups but they don't run in the holidays so pushed myself to try this one.

Absolutely hate baby groups. Despise them. So cliquey and reminds me of being back in high school.

I'm a normally confident person but taking my grandson to one group actually reduced me to tears. I've never met such an unfriendly group of people in my life, and I actually posted this on their FB page. Walking into a group for the 1st time takes huge effort, a lot of new mums feel really vulnerable and it made me very cross! A smile and eye contact costs nothing.

So you didn’t speak to anyone but you are annoyed that they didn’t go out of their way to speak to you? And it’s only them in the wrong?

The reality is some women go to baby groups to meet people, some are their just to focus on their baby, others attend with a friend as a play date. I have been each of those people at different times.

If you want to make friends it’s on you to put yourself out there. You can’t passively sit back and blame others.

This actually annoys me, this “clique” thing is only put on women and it isn’t even cliquey it’s just different expectations. Dads don’t expect to go to the park and meet a bff just because they both have kids but women seem to think having a child can hold a friendship.

Baby groups vary, some have many different people each week and you can’t tell who is an ‘existing’ member and who is new if you don’t religiously attend.

These women are all tired and just trying to do the best. If you want to be included you need to step out of your comfort zone.

So from their point of view it will have looked as though you weren’t interested in getting to know them as you stayed away from them.

They were bloody awful when DS17 was a baby and I've no intention of doing any when DD is born.
So cliquey and unfriendly.

Oh goodness. This thread makes me sad. I ran playgroups for 7 years and loved it. I went to a cliquey one which I hated so when I had the chance to do my own, I jumped at it.

I always made the adults their first drink. I always gently nudged more experienced group members to go and engage with newer members.
I also used to organize a monthly night out.

So many friendships (adults and children) were formed, including important ones for me too. I was very sad when my time came to an end (youngest went to school so I went back to work), and sadly the group is now closed.
The friendships have continued though, and I love seeing photos of people still continuing to be parts of each other's lives.

I ran one for years and always went out of my way to help people settle in.

But

Sometimes you aren't sure whether someone has been before, and feel stuck between offending them for not remembering them, or failing to welcome them when they are new.

There can be a mismatch between what the people already there expect you to do, and what you expect them to do.

Some regulars get fed up of making an effort with new people, week after week, who never come back. They'd rather just make the most of their hour with the people they already know, and only make an effort when you make an effort or look like you are staying.

Next time, introduce yourself, say it's your first time, and ask who the leader is. You can tell them if you want help getting to know people/feel a bit anxious.

It's much easier to respond to people/help them when they give you a lead.

@ihatebojo that sounds like such a lovely playgroup!

Really shocked that people are trying to blame the OP for this. It's incredibly hard for some of us to approach a bunch of strangers.

Groups like this should be welcoming to all. I would have hated this and don't blame OP at all for refusing to go back.

Cliquey people you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

You need to try a few to find your tribe. I went to some lovely ones, but they weren't the first I tried. A couple I went to had a really odd vibe so I just chalked it up to experience and didn't go back to those.