To never set foot in a baby group again?

[NumberSixteen]

Why oh why do they have to be so clicky?
Just braved one with my 3 year Old and 5 month old and literally got stared at as I walked in by the other mums all sat round a big table but no one said a word other than the lady who took my money for the group 😳 AIBU to think you'd at least make someone knew feel welcome?

Honestly, it’s a bit of a MN ‘thing’ to hate baby groups. It depends whether you’re going with the aim to make lifelong friends or just to do something nice with the children (somewhere dry!)

Groups do differ massively for different ages. I promise I’m not just being pernickety with language, but was it an actual baby group (most specify for non walkers.) If so, that might explain lack of interaction with your three year old. It is hard at that stage because what’s suitable for the baby isn’t for the three year old. It might be worth trying to find toddler groups - they are more used to having babies in tow.

I'm sorry you had a crap morning OP; not what you need when presumably you wanted company and a bit of adult conversation.

I think it depends really. For one, most people there are probably knackered and / or preoccupied with their own kid - so sometimes basic niceties can go out the window. Some may also misread you (not anyone's fault). And yes, some may be cliquey.

Pure anecdote but I'd occasionally find groups cliquey with my first, but never now - because I have twins, and it's mandatory for everyone in the room to come over and ask if they're twins and whether they're identical . Weirdly I think it's just such an obvious conversation starter that somehow I think other people just unthinkingly do it. And then offer to help, because invariably I'm carrying them under my arms like sacks of potatoes. Sometimes, in normal circumstances, people just can't think what to say.

fuck groups like that honestly, give them organiser feedback on to why you won’t be giving them your money anymore.

i have a baby and I’ve been a nanny to babies and toddlers so I’ve been to a hell of a lot of groups, some are lovely, Im pleased to say the other scenario is the exception.

funnily enough when I’ve hit a cliquey one as a nanny, where’ve I’ve no skin in the game, I just waltz around not giving a shit about their stupid small minded high school ways and it really perturbs them. Or I deliberately make a huge fuss of a new member that they ignore, or sit in the spot on the mat one of them is saving for their friends on purpose.

Shits them up a bit and makes me laugh. That behaviour has no place in an adult environment.

I don't think people are blaming her, just pointing out that there can be miscommunication.

I went to one that I found hard. The lady running it had been doing it for years, probably didn't want to anymore, but had no one to pass it on to. I was a new mum and not confident. I didn't know what to do. The children who'd been there more just got on with it, without their mums.

I think the established mums vaguely think the new person will come and sit round the table with them. The new mum sticks near her children. The established mums are too tired and fed up to make an effort!

I didn't have a table at mine, specifically to stop the whole sat with your backs to the children and everyone else. Makes it much easier to be friendly!

@Neverfullycharged so it was less baby more toddler/kids group so plenty of stuff for DS and DD just tagged along as usual 😂

It definitely depends on the group.

I've attend 4 over the years (not including paid for activities)

1. Was very cliquey and chaotic. Nobody watching their toddlers, so no intervention when your child got pushed over by another or hit in the face.

1. A bit cliquey in the sense most people seemed to know each other and had older children at school together. People were friendly, but after several months they were all still acquaintances, not friends

1. Lovely small group, very welcoming and friendly but also alot of grandparents so didn't really make any friends

1. Lovely small group, met one of my best friends there. I've also made good friends with the lady who runs in and am now helping her out since my DC no longer attends

honestly i felt like that too unti i found out that everyone was feeling like that, like wondering why no one would talk to them so i started actively seeking out people and chatting and suddenly the whole dynamic changed and we all started talking

@picklemewalnuts appreciate the alternate perspective ☺️

But the exact same goes for the other people there. We, the OP included, have no idea who was new in the group, who has been once or twice or who goes every week. Many of them could find it just as difficult to approach a stranger.
At the end of the day you are in control of your own life and you do need to take responsibility for getting what you want in life, it won’t just come to you and that includes friendship.
Sometimes at a baby group it’s my only day off work and I am there solely to spend time with my baby.
Others I’m at the end of my tether and have been up all night, maybe I just want to speak to the friend I have attended with and no use my 1 small break in the day to make small talk with a stranger I may never see again.
Or maybe I am hoping to meet friends but can’t quite find a way to strike up conversation, the one woman on her own seems to be very focused on her child and they are different ages so I’m not sure what to speak about, plus she hasn’t said hi so I think maybe she isn’t wanting to chat.

None of those things are cliquey, nor is anyone in particular “bad” or at fault.

I guess I'm just saying, don't take it personally OP!

I tried hard not to let mine feel like that for newbies, but sometimes you just miss the mark.

That said I'm sure there are awful ones out there! Don't give up though, there will be one that you like.

@picklemewalnuts thank you! ☺️

Many years ago I moved to a new area and went to a toddler group with my three year old son. My son went to play with the other kids, but no one spoke to me except one lovely lady. We live miles apart now but we're still good friends 40 years later. I have never forgotten her kindness.

Please don't take it personally. It's just how it is sometimes. They are all so different so it's good to try a few and see what works for you. Find some that do a free trial session and don't commit to a block booking if you can help it. Some groups where people dip in and out (instead of going every week are usually quite friendly), usually the free ones, like at libraries. Outdoor activities like country parks are maybe less social but you keep busy. I found arriving early helped as it meant you could talk one-on-one to people at the beginning.

I've hated baby groups for far longer than I've been on Mumsnet.

I never particularly liked play groups.

When one of my kids was little I did manage to find a group of lovely women I clicked with, but I generally find these groups hard work.

Not even because of the people there - they’re all different - but because of the group dynamics.

One is trying to be sociable and get to know new people (which can be a bit of a challenge in itself), while at the same time keeping an eye on a small child, so your attention is constantly divided, you can’t relax and end up feeling awkward (at least I did).

In other situations I actually quite like talking to different people though.

I much preferred the church run ones. Always so welcoming, lots of the retired parishioners lending a hand and gleefully cooing over the kids. Very little judgement, but lots of support. Even women who were so shy and quiet on the school run would talk in those groups.

@Badger1970 that's awful 🙁

Some are awful. Try other ones. I remember feeling lonely and pushed out. Then went to one and met some now dear friends. Our toddlers about to get their gcse results none are still friends but we still are! Just met for coffee today!

I think any group who doesn't actively go out of their say to at least say hello to a new member is quite unfriendly.

This is why I never went to baby groups and I think some of the posters on here would act exactly the same given they are trying to blame the op she did say hello and they didn’t respond, honestly that’s not ok! I wouldn’t go again.

Me too.

I started a conversation with someone whose child was playing next to mine. Within minutes her friend was over being very cold towards me and talking exclusively to her friend. Surprised she didn’t piss on her and mark her territory. I used to go but didn’t make much effort to talk to people. I was there to have time with my baby. Fuck ‘em if they have to be part of the herd.

I do get where you’re coming from OP. I think an issue with baby groups is that many of the mums there are feeling anxious, lonely, exhausted etc and some may be dealing with pnd/pna, and this can create a bit of an atmosphere sometimes. That combined with however you’re feeling as you walk in can make it really difficult to approach a group and can make it all seem 10x worse than it should be.

I started one with my 3 month old as we came out of lockdown last year and everyone was in a bit of a state so it wasn’t fun at all at first, but I persevered because I don’t drive so had limited options, and eventually we both loved it.

Maybe just try a few until you find one that’s at least bearable. Might be good if a brand new class starts that you can jump on and find/make your own friendship group, and then make a point of including any new people!

There’s a church group I go to specifically because it is quiet and has a huge safe room for the baby to tear about in which we don’t really have at home. I actually like to just sit with my coffee and watch him for a bit without the endless ‘no DS dont touch/bite/eat/lick/climb that!!’

But the lovely retired church lady who helps to run it is convinced I must be desperately lonely and is always bringing people over to talk to me. They can’t win sometimes 😂

Toddler groups >> baby groups in my experience. Maybe it’s a combination of parents just finding their groove a bit more by that stage and being a bit more relaxed…or the fact the kids are interacting with each other (read: trying to bash each other round the head and steal biscuits)…but I have found it much easier to chat and socialise with others. I didn’t find baby groups unfriendly as such, but it didn’t strike me as a place people came to make friends and chat, where as our local church toddler groups/stay and plays definitely do.