To never set foot in a baby group again?

[NumberSixteen]

Why oh why do they have to be so clicky?
Just braved one with my 3 year Old and 5 month old and literally got stared at as I walked in by the other mums all sat round a big table but no one said a word other than the lady who took my money for the group 😳 AIBU to think you'd at least make someone knew feel welcome?

I just love this, and how playgroups should be! Well done for encouraging this culture. OP, it’s sadly how some groups are but not all. I’ve experienced serious cliques at playgroups and I always made an effort to smile and say hi. If you are part of a big group, it is on you to welcome those on their own… surely that’s obvious! How bold do you need to be to be brand new and march up to an established group with their backs turned??

Oh yikes I hit reply to a lady above who ran a baby group… but it’s not done it! 😤

So sad to read posters [went once then never went back again. This happened to me 23 years ago. We moved to a different part of the country and I had one DC at school and a toddler. I plucked up courage to go to the mums and toddlers group at the local church hall. The first time I went the organiser took my money, then nobody spoke to me. I sat on the floor with my toddler wishing the floor would open underneath me. I didn't go back for a couple of weeks, but I was so lonely and isolated that I tried again. So different. There was a woman there who wasn't there the first time who said "Hello, you're new." and the rest is history. 23 years later we're still good friends and I'm godmother to her youngest.

I ended up running that group for 3 years and always made sure new mums were welcomed and looked after. So don't give up - hard as it is you need to push yourself to make connections.

Ugh playgroups! I hated going. The first time I went my DS was 18 months old and my DD was 6 weeks old so I was very nervous to be going anywhere on my own. It was very cliquey and at circle time at the end I went to sit down to sing rhymes and one of the Nan’s yelled at me “er no you can’t sit here, we always sit here so go and sit somewhere else!!!” I was so embarrassed! I went back the following week and every week for the next 3 years and it remained very cliquey and this continued throughout primary school - this year is my last of doing school runs!

Baby groups saved my mental health when DS (now 7) was born. I met some of the most lovely people, got the best and friendliest support and found most of them welcoming to all new people. I attended about 4 a week as I needed to get out of the house. Looking back I can see I had PND and baby groups were my way of getting out of my own head.

If I'd read posts like this before trying them out I honestly may not be here today. These groups saved me and I met some of my current closest friends (and DS now has a close group of friends he's known all his life) through baby groups 7 years ago.

I hate these posts where the stereotype of clicky groups is continued and exaggerated. Yes, some can be like this, but the vast majority, in my area anyway, were fantastic and such a lovely way to meet other mums and kids.

Ah I’ve been here with my twins. They hated it and although I tried they always tried to escape. No one really spoke to me! After years of infertility I had the picture perfect maternity leave in my head and it all went out the window. I was gutted! But then I found stuff they liked doing (mostly running free on a muddy dog walk!) and those moments are my most precious memories! the freedom and pure love for life they have in the photos are magic. I still haven’t found “my tribe” & I’m 34 so not expecting too now so have accepted that it’s probably me but I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone!!

I stopped going to them, I tried to be polite and friendly but I was always ignored as all the other mums knew each other and I was much younger than all of them. I used to end up playing with my children away from the rest of them as I felt so unwelcome. I even participated in an introduce yourself session and some of my answers got some very odd looks and I felt very small and insignificant.

The toddler groups I found to be so dull and awful. I enjoyed activities where there was something to laugh about or talk about apart from children such as mum and baby choir or buggy fitness or something like that - a structured group rather than a floaty sit around and look awkward session with the kids.

I hated baby groups, I was suffering from PND and really struggling to try and do my best for dd, those groups made things feel so much worse I still come out in a cold sweat thinking about them 10 years later! It’s not the end of the world if you miss them OP do not beat yourself up. I had the backs turned and was totally ignored by mums who years later at school were suddenly friendly when they realised who I am married to.

I tried them 26 and 23 years ago. Unfriendly and cliquey and I did try very hard. Think adults too knackered to bother with someone they don't know and it was also incredibly competitive. As I was an older mum, had both kids in my 40s, I didn't fit in at all and probably wasn't what they wanted to associate with. I still have close friends from back then but not from mother and baby groups. Don't feel bad OP these often aren't welcoming friendly places. X

I loved baby groups but I’m one of those annoying people that will talk to everyone - I’ve irritated the school mum clique as well as they like to ignore me but I often go over and make a point at joining in!! Our local health service ran a meet a mum group for those who just had babies. Was very structured with weekly topics. It ran for about 6 weeks. Over that time we ended up sitting kind of near the same people each week and just got chatting. All nervous first timers. Once the group ended various smaller groups formed and the small group I had sat with all signed up for a few different paid baby classes - baby sign, a sure start group, those type of things. Again they were quite structured sessions and small in numbers too and parent drinks and biscuits were often provided and we would chat. We stayed quite close friends for a while and had mum nights out but people started going back to work so drifted apart and met up less frequently. Tried again second time around but it was harder with a toddler in tow as some of the baby groups didn’t allow toddlers or were at awkward times for nursery pick up. I did go to a few less structured toddler groups which I enjoyed less and felt a bit manic but did often arrange to go with one of the original baby group mums. If I went on my own it was harder to penetrate the cliques but I would persevere.

just a warning. The school playground crowd can be worse!! Depending on your working pattern and child care arrangements or can be harder and much more cliquey than baby and toddler groups ever were.

Oh some can be like that but not all. I found the best ones were ones where there was an activity of some sort so you could focus on that if nobody wanted to talk to you! Forest school type stuff was great, and I loved Busy Lizzy (exercise classes where you take your kids along)... met some great friends doing that and I'm super socially awkward and introverted!

Baby groups vary so much. I go to one religiously, because everything about it is just lovely. No cliques. It’s really cheap and cheerful. The women who go are a real mixed bag - different social backgrounds and approaches to parenting, but everyone is so friendly.

But I tried another group, which makes a big song and dance in its advertising about how it’s so supportive and is all about solidarity, no judgement etc and it was horrible. I’m a confident person, so initiated conversation when I arrived. The mums I tried chatting to had waved at me as I’d arrived, but quickly informed me they’d mistaken me for their friend, after which they physically turned their backs on me, and didn’t speak to me again. Except for one, who took the time to inform me it was my fault her DC had run away from her (we were at an outside venue) because I had been playing chase with my DS and hadn’t realised her DC had been running along behind us. I still get cross thinking about the hypocrisy of it.

It sounds like these groups haven’t changed in years! I felt compelled to join the when my 1st dc was born & often left feeling lonelier than when i arrived-which is saying something!
By the time I had my 3rd dc, I realised that i didn’t need to go in order for me or my dc to socialise & felt a sense of relief.
I liked library time and some organised clubs like baby gym a little more.

Always hated them. I endired them for my eldest three. I met a few people - I vaguely know some of them still. Some of them turned out to be not very nice women (behaved like those girls at school who left you out, you know, even when you had quite established friendships with others). I tried to maintain friendships because of my children, but the children behaved exactly like their mothers, so I decided it was all a waste of time and didn't bother with any groups for my youngest.

My experience was exactly like Motherland 😁

I remember going to a playgroup with my LO a few years ago, a church run one.
I got there and the old ladys doing tea and coffee welcomed me, but the mums were completely rude and abrupt, my smiles or hello were never acknowledged, i went to sit down to be told i couldnt sit there.
A child snatched a few toys off my LO and nothing was said or done, then at circle time for songs, a woman sat bolt in front of me so i was looking at her back!!
I told LO we had to go early as we had to be somewhere, proceeded to get in my car and burst into tears. I never returned.
Was very relieved when LO started nursery so i never felt i had to go groups again.

Well done for trying @NumberSixteen , I remember how nerve wracking it was (mine are 10 and nearly 8 now 🤣). Try another one - rhyme time at library if you have one is good, as it’s not all about chatting, it’s led by someone. I remember a couple where people weren’t friendly or were cliquey, but then some others I tried were great.

someone always comes on these posts and says, well did you make an effort to start a conversation with the group? Who does that 😂 they’d look at you like you were mad. Interrupting a group of cliquey women is never going to go well if they don’t have the self awareness to say hi in the first place 🤷🏻‍♀️

Who does that? Me. ‘Do you mind if I join you?’ and then sit down and introduce yourself/ your baby. Ask where they live, ask about their kids, ask how long they’ve been coming to the group.

Have never seen appeal of baby and toddler groups, personally. If you weren't welcomed, don't waste your time returning. Give some feedback to the organiser, as I'm sure you're not the first person to attend once because if this reason.

Did you start any conversation? I didn't know a soul when I had my dd1 but 20+ years on I'm still really good friends with 4 of them. I did have to talk to them though, and break into groups a bit rather than hover round the edges.

YANBU OP. I walked out of one in tears with my first born.

I’m on baby no 2 now and am absolutely dreading doing the baby group thing again (probably won’t tbh)

Having said that despite most of the groups I went to first time around being cliquey, I did managed to make a one or two good mum friends from them who I still meet up with. That was probably more down to the fact our tots ended up going to the same nursery more than the baby groups though.

I lived in London for years when my son was little, he's an adult now and went to a few and yes some groups stuck together and did not even bother with their kids just there to yap. Tried a few times and am fairly outgoing or was then so found a lovely little group a dance group for kids/toddlers and my son loved it and the mums mainly black women were just so friendly to me and made me so welcome and had a lovely time there. Would hate to be going through all that again. I would try going to a few different ones and even swimming etc and you may find your tribe. It really depends on the area and the groups as some places they just stick to themselves. Hope you have better luck next time but did find lovely mum's in school and they were great.

Yes me too! While that is when I'm not otherwise engaged with a toddler. Sometimes I don't have the chance to talk to adults. And sometimes I'm not in the headspace to start all the conversations. I think I'm lucky in Birmingham though as people are genuinely incredibly friendly in this city. If you talk to them they will always talk back.

People tend to stick to those they know when they're a bit shy in my experience.

Posts like this do my head in. Mums at groups aren’t clicky. Some might be just as shy as you are. Go and start a conversation and stop expecting everyone else to do the work for you.

“How old’s your little one? Have you been coming here for long? What other groups do you do? Have you tried… soft play?
Does anyone else find that as soon as you make a cuppa and decide to sit down, baby wakes up from the nap” it doesn’t matter what you say, someone needs to start a conversation somehow.

Just to add I wasn't from the area and not long moved there and that with my Irish accent and the group soo stuck together. So as others have said an activity group structured is best and more enjoyable than a group of women just sitting around chatting. Look up what is going on in your area in library also, story time, art stuff for kids. Dancing ones are great and good fun but am sure it has all changed since my son was small but at the school did make some lovely friends from all walks in life.