To never set foot in a baby group again?

[NumberSixteen]

Why oh why do they have to be so clicky?
Just braved one with my 3 year Old and 5 month old and literally got stared at as I walked in by the other mums all sat round a big table but no one said a word other than the lady who took my money for the group 😳 AIBU to think you'd at least make someone knew feel welcome?

I think it's really hard to go to these things on your own. Much nicer if you know one or two people already. Also often there is an established group who know each other and aren't bothered about making friends with newcomers- it's not horrible cliqueyness, it's just that people just go to catch up with their mates, are often knackered and can't be arsed. When I went there were four or five of us going to the same one, as a sort of continuation from NCT classes. Then I met other mums who they knew and so on. I can't exactly say that I was looking round the room and wondering whether someone was on their own - between chatting and watching what DD was up to it's not something I would have done. But if someone came over and started chatting of course I would not have been deliberately unfriendly.

I think all the people trying to say groups of mums aren't cliquey are the mums who are are generally not left out of cliques! Or ones who just happened across the friendly groups!

Mum groups can be super cliquey (the school playground seemed to be the worst ime) but the outside groups did really vary. I'd keep trying some other groups as I found some really nice friendly ones.

Having been bullied at school I have no time for such childish behaviour as an adult, so don't go back there. Just try some other groups til you find the friendly ones! Best of luck.

My DS is 17 now but I still remember the trauma of baby/toddler groups!

One church led group was the worst. I tried talking to a group of women but they completely blanked me and DS and moved their DC away from us. Funnily enough DS then ended up in the same year group at school as 3 of those 'babies' and I ended up becoming really good friends with one of the mums. I mentioned the baby group recently and she said she loved the group and definitely didn't notice any of the cliquey behaviour I described!!

Always found them a lifeline. Some groups were better than others of course, but overall a really good experience.
I'm Scottish but my first two children were born down South. I actually much preferred the English ones.

Why?

Another perspective…

Presumably every one of those other mums at the playgroup will also have had a first time experience too. Why did they stay and keep returning week after week if it’s such a horrible group?

Also, they’ve probably paid a nominal fee to attend a baby group with their babies and probably look forward to grabbing an hour for a coffee and a natter with ‘Jane’ and ‘Trish’ whilst their children play. Perhaps they’re painfully shy too and don’t have the confidence to talk to a complete stranger.

The only people at fault here are the people meant to be running the group. They’re the ones who need to put plans into place to welcome new people. However, with most volunteer led groups, the group dynamic depends on the social skills of the individual volunteers and obviously this varies enormously. You’ll probably find that the people running the play groups are the ones who end up involved in the PTA and Brownies etc.

I used to run a baby & toddler group when I had my toddler DS. I organised weekly rotas so that members had a job such as welcoming new members, making drinks, organising snacks for the children, setting up and tidying away etc. It ensured that everyone contributed something and it wasn’t left to the same two people every week and allowed me to spend a bit of time playing with my DS too. However, for some people this was too formal and they just wanted a space to come and chat where they didn’t have to actively do anything.

When you go clothes shopping, you don’t try on one item and then leave declaring all shops are useless as they only sell the wrong size or style? There’s no right or wrong way but surely you’d try several groups rather than dismissing them all out of hand as ‘cliquey’ and blaming complete strangers for not meeting your specific needs?

Who cares? You don’t need to talk to them. I went to plenty with mine when they were younger. The most affluent groups being the clickiest and the groups in deprived areas by far the friendliest. I wasn’t there to make friends I was there to watch my baby/toddler have fun and it added structure and routine to our day.

Honestly OP don’t let them put you off going back.

Looking back I had wrong expectations of baby groups. I had an idea that I'd be making friends, arranging walks in the park with other mums etc. To he honest, that never happened- I didn't have one "Mum" friend until my son went to school. At the time I felt I had done something wrong. Looking back, it was absolutely fine. I had work, other friends so I wasn't lonely all the time, just felt a bit of a wierdo always walking about on my own with the buggy.
I'd advise you to adjust your expectations. Take it as a goal to get out of the house, and to access new toys and a bigger space for your child to play (it's OK to bring on the floor playing- your child will settle in). Enjoy a coffee, vaguely smile and work on being unconcerned. If it's an OK group, after a few weeks short conversations will start naturally. If it's not an OK group, you can leave.
Or don't bother going back, and look for another when you feel like it.
The notion of what your supposed to do as a parent is very negative. If I had another I would understand there's many ways to bring your child well, and baby groups aren't important as long as your child is loved and paid attention to!
Also a lot of the friendships are either women who went to school together, or kind of surface friendships that are all about having children thr same age. You aren't missing out, although social anxiety in that situation is very normal x

None of the baby groups I have been to have had tables for the grown ups to sit round. They have all been much more free flow with activities for the littles. Doesn't sound like it is set up to be very welcoming to be honest. Don't let that one put you off though. Try another until you find the right one for you and your child x

If they were all sat round a table and you were in another part of the room its not really surprising conversation wasn't freely flowing.

You need to make an effort too.

I used to feel the same but in hindsight I realise that baby groups are full of new mums behaving nothing like their normal selves. Most people are fucked! They’re not being rude. The same people a year later were back to normal friendliness

I hear this all the time. I feel very lucky that both baby groups I've been to I've been made to feel very welcome. And I am someone who is socially anxious so I find these situations hard! Must be the different areas where people live.

I've been to groups like that - but other's warm much friendlier .

They can also change over time - as people come and go.

Unfriendly ones can warm up to you if you go for a while - I used to focus on my children.

With pfb most of the group hard to find were very well run and friendly and I did make many friends to other things with or attend other groups with. Once we moved I never found that again.

Worst one for me was one I'd gone to for a while but people had slowly changed then a queen bee arrived and after a while decided to make comments about others. Unfortunately my eldest was in pre-school next door so it was better to stay though did have a few other options like park or library but younger child saw toys and wanted to stay and it was winter. After a few months other mother stopped going and it wasn't so bad after that.

I had few other options people weren't that friendly in that area and we had no family nearby to see and I and the kids did better with a few hours out the house. Some groups I didn't even get a drink at - but it was somewhere with different toys for my children.

I tried several groups when mine were little. Every single time I was just completely ignored while the other mums chatted and laughed. I’m quiet and not particularly outgoing, but nobody even said hello. So I didn’t go back.

I used to go to every group I could and still go to a few different toddler ones on my non work days. Some are probably friendlier than others but I've never really come across the cliquey/ bitchy thing that I see mentioned to often on here. But then I'm mostly just in it for a hot cup of tea and biscuit plus the chance for DD to play with some different toys and the hope she'll nap on the way home. I'm never really that arsed about whether anyone wants to talk to me or not, though it's nice if they do.

That's me though, and regardless of whether the people at your group meant to be unkind or not its still a shit way to be made to feel and I'm sorry OP. Don't give up trying some different ones, there are lots of nice ones out there honestly!

Actually another really bad one was MW run massage group - that was dire experience luckily only 6 weeks. Even the MW running it was vaguely hostile.

I did have hope of meeting other mothers as we'd not long moved there I was very much still finding my feet and was trying to sit an exam shortly on top.

It took months before I tried anything again had really low expectations took ages to find anywhere and then face family telling me I was being ridiculous as baby was too young to get anything out of it. I was lucky it was a friendly well run one and getting out of the damp cold rental house did me so much good and I was told about a few more - so I was lucky I think another terrible experience would have put me off for a long while.

I think you have to make a bit more effort to talk to mums. I'm a natural introvert but I really pushed myself to chat to people at baby groups and I've made some lovely friends. It's unlikely the other mums are being deliberately hostile towards you.

I think if comes to effort on their part rather than wanting to exclude you. They probably want to catch up with the friends they've already made as they're easier to talk to. A PP mentioned being a leader and encouraging more mums to interact with new mums - I think that's great. You just can't rely on a club leader doing this in every club though. It's painfully awkward sometimes, I totally get it, but I think it's worth pushing through!

This ^

someone always comes on these posts and says, well did you make an effort to start a conversation with the group? Who does that 😂 they’d look at you like you were mad. Interrupting a group of cliquey women is never going to go well if they don’t have the self awareness to say hi in the first place 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you’re in a group and a person walks in on their one, say hello to them ffs 🙄

*it comes down to effort

I went to every single one in our area, if I didn’t like the atmosphere I didn’t go back.
Eventually settled on a couple of ok seeming ones and persevered.
One was full of childminders with multiple charges none of whom seemed to be supervised. Another DS was sick down my back within the first 5 minutes and nobody so much as acknowledged me.
The ok ones I found better after I’d been a couple of times and started to recognise people. I made some good friends in the end but it did take a bit of effort to put myself out there when I was sleep deprived and a bit bewildered!
I would ditch the unfriendly feeling ones OP and try some different groups, there are nice ones out there!

😂😂 I love this

I felt like this too, so I started one of my own! I made sure everyone was included and felt welcomed.

I never went to paid groups but I go to stay and plays, and they are all different - some more chatty, some more everyone doing their own thing.

I think if you're wanting to meet people they'd be good for you - I tend to want to be relax and let the kids play and always get roped into conversations!

Just try out a few and see what you like.

I really feel this one! Every group I've been to has been dominated by mums who have met in NCT groups who are attending as a group. They won't speak to anyone else and God forbid I accidentally sit in one of 'their' spaces then they all start whispering and move en masse somewhere else. I've had some awful experiences when I was attending to try to make friends.

I was a toddler group junkie. I went to at least one every day. I'd cycle round the city to catch them all, and half of them were incredibly unfriendly. I didn't care, needed the kids to have something to do.

Went once, never went again.
Bunch of one up, odious women.