To never set foot in a baby group again?

[NumberSixteen]

Why oh why do they have to be so clicky?
Just braved one with my 3 year Old and 5 month old and literally got stared at as I walked in by the other mums all sat round a big table but no one said a word other than the lady who took my money for the group 😳 AIBU to think you'd at least make someone knew feel welcome?

Cliquey pronounced cleeky 😂 Was so confused by the image of these mums clicking their fingers at her u til my other half explained. And yes that’s mean of them- try again though and try to be a bit more forward. Sometimes people just have their own things going on and we take it personally when it’s not.

I think the paid ones are the best, the type when you book a term so see the same people week in week out. I made a couple mum friends from newborn groups like this who we text and have independent play dates. The group we go to now is nice but I’m not there for me I go for DD to interact with the other kids. Im happy to chat but I’m not specially looking to make friends.

The ones I went to were awful I'm quite extroverted so will happily walk into a room and say hello, but some were so rude and unfriendly. Those who did want to chat only wanted to talk about their babies/child birth/breastfeeding, I get that is what people have in common but after a few weeks can we not broaden the conversation? I stopped going, your child will not miss out by not crawling around a dusty church hall playing with thirty year old toys, while you drink shit coffee from a paper cup.
I found more structured activities much better, some parents I chat to some I don't, but at least DS is learning. He goes to gymnastics, swimming and just recently started rugby tots, where interestingly it's mainly dads who are happy to chat about all sorts.

Many social groups are cliquey and unpleasant. People blaming the OP are likely to be the types who always like to form or belong to a clique because it makes them feel safer and higher status.

Some groups are welcoming and others are basically for existing friends to socialise just with each other. If you keep trying you will find a friendly one - I had to try about 10 different groups to find 3 good ones. I'm glad I stuck with it because I made some excellent friends.

It is a bit shit to pay to go somewhere and be made to feel unwelcome. People should watch out for newbies and say hi.

If you think it's bad try going one with a disabled child. Had to pay for a group of sessions in advance ce or I wouldn't have gone. Even the organiser used to forget to tell me if she cancelled a session or altered the starting time.

Tried one for kids with one of my son's medical issues and even that was awful. Was told it was OK for me as my kid didn't look normal anyway, whereas theirs did so other people didn't know there was something wrong.

I found the ones that were full of childminders to be the most unfriendly - they created a clique of their own and left the toddlers to fend for themselves.

I did find a lovely group that was more structured which worked out perfectly.

Toddler groups are better than baby groups I think. People probably thought I was cliquey in the baby group I went to. The truth is I was exhausted, lonely, stressed and desperate to keep connection with the 2 people I saw. That group was the single only thing I did all week that I looked forward to. It was a stress to get there with an awake baby, and when there all I wanted to do was talk to my 2 friends. I didn't trust myself to not break down in tears if someone else asked me a question and simply had no energy for anyone else.

By the time DS was older and at toddler group things were much better and I was in the headspace to talk to people. I always tried to when I saw someone alone. But it still would not have been obvious to me who was new, and I also wanted to talk to my friends. With different schedules it sometimes meant that it was the only time to see my good friends, and I wanted to catch up with them. It's not cliquey to want to just speak to the people you know, but of course it's very bad to ignore someone who is trying to talk to you.

I think it's the organisers' fault really.

I used to run a toddler group. The leaders should make an effort to talk to you but to be honest, when I used to run it, we used to be busy setting up, making drinks, sorting the snacks, sorting the craft, packing away plus looking after our own toddlers. There used to be some groups particularly when my ds was much younger, that I wouldn't sit down once during the whole 1.5 hours.

I'm sure there were some mums who thought i should have made more effort but I was busy! I did talk to my own friends whilst making the coffees etc but these were mum friends who I'd become close with over a number of years - my kids are now 7 and 4 hence why I don't run the group anymore.

The onus is on the individual to make the effort, go a few times, chat to different people. Try a different group if you don't gel with one. The ones who don't make the effort are always the ones complaining a few years later that they don't know anyone at the school gates.

Everyone there ‘could’ be shy and introverted, some of them could be new too? Why should the onus be on anyone else. It is hard for most people.

🙌

Just say hello to other people , everyone feels the same !!🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

People know what they like and like what they know. Unfortunately, this often results in cliquey groups forming and a less than welcoming vibe for new and shy parents. I don't know that people always intend to come across as rude, but you are right OP, it can definitely feel as though no one wants to make the effort with you.

All you can do is continue to smile and offer a friendly "hello." I tend to approach other lone parents I can see, rather than ready-formed groups. Sometimes they are the people who feel the same as you.

I hated them too OP and my kids didn't like them either tbh

I used to love going to baby /toddler groups when mine were small.
Got me out of the house, stopped me going stir crazy, got baby out of house for a change of scenery too!
It helped that I never gave a shiny fuck about what any other parent was doing though 😁
Seriously, if you don't click with one, try another. I used to go to several, there's bound to be one you find friendlier than others.

I've been there in spades. My second child is SN but didn't know at the time and I was screamed at by the yummy village mummies because he didn't know how to regulate himself and we went to that one group and it put me off forever. Was persuaded to go to another group in the next village, much much better and more welcoming and tolerant.

With my first child, I went to a group thinking it would be fine as I was a new mum. There was a famous person sitting on the sidelines being actively ignored by everybody and I really felt for her but also didn't feel confident enough to approach. She must have felt shit. I think it's a case of finding your people, trying a few out. Ask for recommendations from friends. When they work out it's great but I do understand it can be very stressful.

You have to go more than once. The first one is always a bit hard socially, you don't know anyone, they don't know you, but if you can get chatting to someone I'm sure someone would be nice.
I found it really hard to go to a baby group when my 1st DD was a baby. But I did push myself to go a couple of times because I felt like she, at least, should get out the house and have a change of environment. On the third time I went, another new person came with a baby a few weeks older and she became a very close friend. Our DDs are 10 now and we still catch up every school holiday and the odd weekend. It was worth it in the end.

I remember going to one and it was just like that, everyone was staring and not speaking to me. It was 18 years ago and still remember the most unwelcome atmosphere. I said I would never go to another one but I found another group which was so lovely and lots of friendly faces and my kids loved it, used to go 3 times a week. If you can, is there a different group you could try and leave the witches of eastwick to it. Don’t take it personally nor the blame for the hostile reception and their lack of social skills.

Maybe try some different groups? I do think sometimes when you are new to things people look you up and down a bit even if they don't mean to. I also think you do have to try and talk to people. I have found it better either in groups where there is quite a lot of structured activity (so you aren't just sat chatting bit have to do things), or I've found a "forest" school where everyone was really friendly, perhaps because that was unstructured but also you were sort of doing things together. Imagine it could be quite tough if it is something where other parents are already sat together drinking coffee and you walk in a bit after etc. I have also found myself more likely to chat stood outside, waiting to go in as I think it makes you mingle a bit.

I loved them and used to go to one every day. I preferred the cliquey ones as they were guaranteed to leave me alone while I drank coffee and played with my baby/toddler

I attended some great toddler groups many run by Banardos. Some were better than others and more friendly but it depended if it was an activity where you could chat or perhaps a singing group where it was not possible.
Don't write them all off, try another group or a different location.

I had this experience at a church crèche.
I never went back

I've always enjoyed all the groups I've been to. Always the sort run at a church or by a charity, stay and plays etc... never these expensive educational ones.

I've attended a baby group that was very friendly and made some good acquaintances who I have met up with at other groups and in the park/ occasionally each others houses etc... But that was a very special support group run by a church that managed to happen during lockdown and we were all experiencing motherhood in a pandemic together, my health visitor referred me to it. The purpose of the group was for mums to talk and support each other, otherwise it wouldn't have been allowed to happen.

I've also attended toddler groups where people are friendly but it is very hard to keep a conversation going as you are invariably running after your toddlers to stop them from seriously hurting themselves or someone else.

I've never gone to a group (even the baby support one) with the expectation of making friends. My main motivation has been entertaining a very active ds. I wouldn't care at all if I didn't speak to other parents there. So I guess I could come across as unfriendly sometimes. Doesn't mean I wouldn't be happy to exchange niceties with another parent if they spoke to me.

If the group was enjoyable to your children I'd keep going. You can always strike up conversation with the next new person to come along and be the change you want to see.

@picklemewalnuts describes my experience of running these groups quite well.

If it is a community type rather than franchised tiny talk type thing.
We always encouraged new people to come early if they could. Gave us chance to show them set up, through the back etc.

But if you miss a couple of weeks with holidays etc you aren't always sure who is actually new.

I always made an effort to welcome people but when you have the majority of people who think the toys set up and pack away themselves and that they couldn't possibly leave their baby to wash up or tidy (but I can!) In order to get something out of a thankless task I do want a chat with people I know.

That said, a smile and some small talk is easy and a basic question like 'how old is she ' is always an ice breaker. But I've had people give zero back and admit to giving up after one word answers.

They may be a bunch of cows but they might also not know quite what to do either.

Pick off a fellow straggler and take it from there