Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do if your partner hadn't proposed after nearly 3 years

178 replies

Theresalwaysmoneyinthebananastand · 19/08/2022 10:43

Or even just said after 3 years that they wanted to marry you and were intending to get engaged soon.
Would you wait a bit longer or leave?
Assuming the partner is not 21 or something incredibly young

OP posts:
Dotjones · 19/08/2022 10:45

Ask them. You're allowed to these days. How else would lesbian couples get married, all wait until the next leap year?

IDontDrinkTea · 19/08/2022 10:47

I would be incredibly surprised by a proposal before three years, I see no reason to rush these things. As they say, marry in haste, repent at leisure

ItsRainingPens · 19/08/2022 10:48

Well, I'm not really one for "proposals' as such. I think the decision to get married should come after lots of thought and discussion.

So, have you had conversations about marriage? About what it means to you? About how important it is to each of you? About whether you want to be married before having kids, if this is relevant to your case? Are you on the same wave-length?

HumunaHey · 19/08/2022 10:48

No, I wouldn't leave. 3years really isn't that long.

Do you have kids together? That would be the only reason I'd want to "rush" a marriage proposal - for the security. Otherwise, I really wouldn't be fussed after just 3 years. Putting pressure on will just suck the joy out of the relationship. There's really no need to push for a ring on your finger. Just enjoy things as they are.

Original poster
Theresalwaysmoneyinthebananastand · 19/08/2022 10:48

How many years do you reckon you would wait?

OP posts:
CoalCraft · 19/08/2022 10:48

Well if I wanted to marry him I would probably propose.

Rinatinabina · 19/08/2022 10:49

Why don’t you bring it up. He may think you are happy as you are.

AgentJohnson · 19/08/2022 10:49

Please tell me your partner knows of your ‘expectation’?
If this is your want why haven’t you discussed it or proposed? It’s 2022 FFS!

Original poster
Theresalwaysmoneyinthebananastand · 19/08/2022 10:50

Yes I just wondered if someone didn't know if they wanted to marry you after 3 years, do you think they ever would? Why do they need to wait for years longer?

OP posts:
Heidi1976 · 19/08/2022 10:50

My husband and I were together for 8 years before we got engaged (and subsequently married a few years later) We weren't young, both married before. Life, cost, kids, house move and other commitments got in the way. Plus I wanted a really nice ring....It all depends on your 'cut off date' in your head so to speak and to communicate your expectations with him fully so he knows what the outcome would be if he doesn't meet it.

girlmom21 · 19/08/2022 10:50

If you want to get married talk about it. How else are they supposed to know?

10HailMarys · 19/08/2022 10:50

I wouldn't do anything, because I wouldn't give a shit.

Rainbowqueeen · 19/08/2022 10:50

I’d leave. If the two of you haven’t been able to have a discussion on your future and your views on marriage in 3 years then I would assume that it was an unbalanced relationship and that you were not on the same page.

I would not leave my future in the hands of a man

Hippopotas · 19/08/2022 10:51

I was with my DH 14 years before we got married and 12 years before he proposed. I don’t see the rush.

Badger1970 · 19/08/2022 10:52

DH asked me to marry him about 15 months into our relationship, and we married about 2 years after this. We both talked early on about marriage though, and both understood it was where we expected things to go.

Honestly, after 3 years? I'd have a serious conversation about it. If it's important to you but not to them, then I'd seriously consider walking away.

OneCup · 19/08/2022 10:52

It'd depend on your situation: how old you both are, if you have been married before, what your plans are for the future, if you want children etc

MaryWM · 19/08/2022 10:53

Wouldn't be thrilled if he'd shown no interest whatsoever in the prospect. Do you know his thoughts on the matter?

Hbh17 · 19/08/2022 10:53

My in-laws waited 25 years before they got married. As far as I could see, they were happy throughout & it was never an issue, they just thought they should finally get round to it for legal/tax reasons. So there are no rules & 3 years does seem a very short time.

NalaNana · 19/08/2022 10:55

I would be concerned that they might never know. 3 years is quite a long time to spend with a person (if you're both adults say over the age of 25) and I would have thought you'd know your intention after that time, even if you didn't feel ready to get engaged.

Have you ever spoken about it with them?

trevthecat · 19/08/2022 10:56

We got engaged after 5 years. Married 2 years later.

jeaux90 · 19/08/2022 10:56

Why so desperate to be married? Are there kids or illness etc?

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/08/2022 10:59

If he wanted actively to get married he would have asked by now. That’s not to say he wouldn’t say yes if you asked him, it’s just not been on his radar the way it is on yours. You need to discuss it - if you want marriage and he doesn’t you need to know so you can make a decision about wether to stay in the relationship or not.

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/08/2022 10:59

Whether..bloody autocorrect

alittlequinnie · 19/08/2022 11:02

Hi there - you probably won't get much sympathy on here but I went through the same thing.

I absolutely adored my boyfriend, was desperate to marry him - and he was just very relaxed about the whole thing.

He simply wasn't ready for years and years - we lived together from 1 year into our relationship but he didn't want to go any further.

He never said he was against marriage or that he wouldn't marry me - it just wasn't what he wanted at that point.

I ummed and ahhed about what to do and there was no way I would propose - to be honest it felt a bit strange and I was worried he might say "no"!

I decided that I loved him so much and wanted to be with him so much that I would rather stay and be with him than say "if you don't marry me I'm off".

Guess what - suddenly - after 9 years - he proposed!

We got married 6 months later - once he'd made his mind up there was no need wait any longer apparently - and we have now been very happily married for more than 14 years.

I understand your frustration and how hurtful it can feel when your boyfriend doesn't seem to want to marry - but I suppose it's the same as when a man isn't so keen on children - you have to decide which is more important to you - getting married or being together?

CurbsideProphet · 19/08/2022 11:06

We bought a house after 3 years and were engaged a year later. DH has said since he wishes he had proposed at the same time we bought the house (as we've struggled to have a baby and waited to ttc until we got married). But you never know what is going to happen in life. I always knew we were both committed, so 4 years to engagement didn't make me worry about whether he was suddenly going to leave.