What would you do if your partner hadn't proposed after nearly 3 years

[Theresalwaysmoneyinthebananastand]

Or even just said after 3 years that they wanted to marry you and were intending to get engaged soon.
Would you wait a bit longer or leave?
Assuming the partner is not 21 or something incredibly young

We have been together 11 years. Loved together for 8 years. Not engaged and I don’t care either way. My plan to spend my life with him isn’t riding on a proposal. Why fix what isn’t broken

I thought mn mantra was to get married if have kids to protect selves esp If give up work etx

But the OP hasn't said anything about having DC, earning less or limiting her earning potential eg by being a trailing spouse.

For all we know she could be a millionaire who intends to remain childfree so doesn't need any of the protection that marriage brings and indeed it could end up expensive for her, should they marry then divorce.

Exactly!

The advice actually boils down to - don't put yourself at a financial disadvantage without the benefit of a contract that will (at least in theory) compensate you in the event the other party turns out to be a twat.

How long before getting married is totally different for everyone. It also depends on age, previous relationships, how long you have known each other. I'm a few years older than my dh and had 2 dc when we met. (He was 23 and I was 28) He moved in after 2 years , proposed at 6 years, had a baby after 7 years together and we got married when we had been together for 9 years.

You need to talk, sit down and ask dp where they see the relationship going. Better to know now where you stand.

but you haven’t asked either so 🤷‍♀️

DP hadn't proposed after 3 years (and still hasn't after 10) because I made it fairly clear that I didn't want marriage after about 3 months.

I suspect he'd decided he was committed to me for life some time before I did (for me it was about 5 years because I'm a huge commitment-phobe).

We've always talked openly about things like marriage, life commitment etc. Buying a house together might tip us into marriage but we're both fairly clear our only motivation would be legal convenience - it's not something that we need to validate how we feel about each other, nor something that would change how we feel.

@Theresalwaysmoneyinthebananastand do you live together ? do you want children ? How old are you both ?

If I wanted to get married, I'd ask them myself. I asked DH to marry me. 🤷‍♀️

Assume the pair of you have discussed this?

Have you had any conversations about marriage?

Propose. If he umm’d and aah’d, end it. If he said “not yet”, end it. Three years is enough time to know.

Just propose to him. I did. Married 15 years

I think if they claim they "don't know" after 3 years, then it's not going to happen. For most of my friends and me, we knew when it was The One Pretty early on and 30 years on, most of us are still together having weathered various ups and downs along the way. One of my DD has been with her partner for 8 years, they know that they'll get married at some point l, just can't afford to do it just yet. Some people just don't want to commit to anything.

We were together nearly eight years before we got engaged. We'd had the conversation several times previously but we wanted to do other things first. All that matters is that you are on the same page as each other. The actual timeline is irrelevant.

First DH Engaged 18 months after we met. (Aged 30) Married 6 months later. Married 18 years.

Current partner. We discuss marriage a lot after 1.5 years - he mentioned it first. But I still haven't finalised my divorce so we just live together now.

3 years would be around my max if I had told him that was what I wanted.

I have no desire to get married (been there, got the t shirt and don’t want to compromise my DD’s inheritance). But if I did want to I wouldn’t sit around waiting for someone to propose to me.

1. Because it’s so much better to be in the driving seat and if you don’t hear what you want to hear you know where you stand
2. Because it’s not the 1950s and a man doesn’t get to set the terms of the relationship
3. Because traditional proposals are naff as fuck in my opinion

Dont leave him holding all the cards. Ask.

It depends on other thing too.

How old are you and your boyfriend

How long you've dated and how long you've lived together.

What are your living arrangements ?

How well do you get on? Is it 'perfect' or do you row?

What are your finances like?

Have either of you been married or in long term relationships before

Do either of you have kids or do you have them together already

You are as capable of initiating a conversation about marriage as he is.

I was engaged to DH after six months but we had already discussed and knew he and I believed in marriage to the right person. We were also around 30 when we got together. Together coming up 27 years, married for 25.

There are three scenarios

Some will never marry anyone
Some want to marry
Some want to marry but just not you

The problem arises if peoples beliefs do not match up. That’s why it’s important to discuss marriage and children.

I think there's a lot more that goes into it than just the length of the relationship. Do you live together? How long has that been? Do you have the same views on kids, finances etc?

I was the same as you, and concerned that he hadn't proposed. He never did, we just had a discussion and decided to get married. That was only after 3 years and I realise now we massively rushed into it. We'd only been living together less than a year. We were still in that honeymoon phase of our relationship, and honestly although I believed 100% at the time I wanted to marry him, within another year I knew that while I loved him dearly, marriage had been a mistake. We had such opposite opinions on things that hadn't cropped up before, especially around parenting.

Can't say I regret it, because I now have DD, but we're seperating and I can't help but think that a lot of pain could have been avoided if I'd stopped treating our relationship as a set of milestones and slowed down.

I didn't know after 3 years! Took a couple more years for me to really commit. Luckily DP is a very patient man.

True, though, I was a commitment-phobe.

I think that after 3 years as a couple you should be talking about what you both want long term especially if you're 25 plus.

think for some people that being married is important before having kids for legal reasons. Also you have know the other person well, have you similar goals, how do you both manage plans do you both have.
As a woman you have a number of years where you can get pregnant and as you get older this can take longer. Also you have a higher chance of having a child with special needs as you get older. So you don't want to wasting time with a man who is not on the same page as you.

Honestly can't believe there are people here saying "My partner wasn't ready after 7 years so I waited patiently for him to be, what's the rush?" Wow

Just so passive and submissive..how can someone not be sure after several years? What more do you need?

This makes me wonder about all the couples who have been together for over 10 years before engagement and marriage. Could one have been waiting for a proposal? Could there have been a mutual agreement to have done x y and z before marriage? Every relationship is different.
Personally I think you’d know by 3 years if marriage is the next step. But society still seems to think men should be the party proposing so it does seem to be on their terms. Some men positively balk at the idea of their other half proposing, perhaps they worry about regaling their engagement scenario to other people and facing remarks.
If you bring up the discussion but don’t want the proposal to essentially come from you then it’s going to be quite an airy conversation you may not gain anything particularly from. If you want to be a bit more direct, you could end up feeling jitters just in case they don’t like the idea or make the wrong noises. Which is likely how some men feel before proposing. It could be telling either way.
Depends on your circumstances Op.
I’m in favour of having a direct conversation but sometimes these are difficult to do. Why should women be waiting for one person when it should be an agreement between each other?