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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What would you do if your partner hadn't proposed after nearly 3 years

178 replies

Theresalwaysmoneyinthebananastand · 19/08/2022 10:43

Or even just said after 3 years that they wanted to marry you and were intending to get engaged soon.
Would you wait a bit longer or leave?
Assuming the partner is not 21 or something incredibly young

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 19/08/2022 13:19

Partner? What nonsense is this? You mean you live with him without marriage? Without discussion of your long-term plans in advance? If so, you've made your bed and now lie in it. If you want marriage you need to leave and start afresh. This one already knows you don't value yourself highly.

What do you mean by marriage? A fancy proposal, a big dress and a party?

Think about a lifetime together and assess whether you really want that with him, and whether you think it's likely to happen. If you don't have children, don't have them thinking he'll have to marry you. And don't marry him to try to keep him with you - married men walk away almost as easily as unmarried ones.

The amount of time you should wait for a man to propose is this: none. Not one minute. If you want marriage, you say so, you don't move in until the arrangements are made. You've given what you had (yourself) away, for nothing. Don't make it worse by staying for decades.

astoundedgoat · 19/08/2022 13:19

I made it abundantly clear that I wanted to get married soon/young-ish, and he proposed after 18 months, married six months later. Blissfully happy 15 years later.

Don’t let anyone here try to tell you what to think. If you love and want to get married to your partner after 3 years (which naturally I think is ample!), 1 year or 10, then you should. But you must be candid about this to your partner. He can’t read your mind.

astoundedgoat · 19/08/2022 13:20

And to echo @StopStartStop - if marriage is important, don’t move in or get pregnant before you are firmly engaged with a date set, or you are tacitly agreeing to put marriage (and security and financial protection) on the back burner indefinitely.

glamourousindierockandroll · 19/08/2022 13:21

I'm of the opinion that, assuming you're over 25, if you're not sure about someone after 3 years you have your answer.

There are lots of perfectly legitimate reasons to put off (or never have) an expensive wedding, but if a couple has not even had a conversation and expressed their intention to stay together forever, then the relationship is nothing but a waste of precious time that you could be spending meeting the loves of your lives.

RampantIvy · 19/08/2022 13:22

10HailMarys · 19/08/2022 10:50

I wouldn't do anything, because I wouldn't give a shit.

Helpful

EllenWaiteourkid · 19/08/2022 13:22

We got together mid 88

I moved to the other end of the country to be with him August 90, we needed somewhere to live together, I refused to move in until we had an agreement.

We bought the house in 91 and somehow managed to pay for a wedding in 1992 They were cheaper then.

Still together thirty four years later.

ItsRainingPens · 19/08/2022 13:40

How can you contemplate marrying this person if you don't feel able to communicate with them?

BalanceNotSymmetry · 19/08/2022 13:49

My thoughts on this:
It’s not just about the amount of time you have been together - other factors come in to it too.

Do you live together and for how long have you lived together? If not, or if you have not lived together long, I’m not sure how you could know that a marriage to this person would be what you’d want and would work out in the long term. You wouldn’t know each other that well. You learn a lot about someone when you live with them.

Have either of you been through any major life events since you have been a couple? House moves, deaths of family members or friends, job losses or promotions, illnesses etc and how did you handle these issues? How did you handle the covid lockdowns? A person may want to understand better how all of these things are handled by their partner before committing to a marriage.

If you live together, do you rent or own a house? Could it be that they would rather spend money on a house than a wedding? I personally feel buying a house together is a bigger commitment in a way due to the amount of money involved, but that’s just my opinion.

What do you both want from life and have you discussed this? To travel, to have children, to focus on a career etc? These again could be factors that influence when/if somebody is ready for marriage.

How are your relationships with your own and each other’s families and friends?

How do you both handle finances and general life admin? In a similar way or very differently?

I’m not saying that this person is consciously thinking about all of these things. They may be or may not. But they are all things that may be influencing if they want to or are ready to get married, even if they don’t realise it.

It could be, for example, that one day they see how you react to any given situation within the family, and that makes them realise that they are ready for marriage. It also could be less cut and dry than that, and that if they do want marriage at some point in their life, it might be that they are the sort of person that really thinks things through before going ahead with them and just aren’t sure of a few things at this time.

Everybody is different. Some people are very in tune with their feelings and know what they want and when they are ready for things. Some people are over thinkers. Some people don’t want to get married, some do. Some people don’t feel the need to rush things.

I just don’t feel like it’s the sort of thing that can be given a timeline when there’s so many factors that can affect a relationship.

ConsuelaHammock · 19/08/2022 13:56

How old are you both? Do you live together?
Bring it up in conversation. I’d like to have children so I’d like to be married by the time I’m ???
We were together about 3 years when we discussed marriage, perhaps slightly less. I wouldn’t wait more than 3 ish years tbh if I wanted to get married. You don’t need an ultimatum but you do need a grown up conversation. Do not have children before you’re married if being married is important to you.

Maireas · 19/08/2022 13:59

ItsRainingPens · 19/08/2022 13:40

How can you contemplate marrying this person if you don't feel able to communicate with them?

This.
You're going to need to discuss the future, children etc.
You're not in a Jane Austen novel.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2022 14:08

Just talk to him. Communication is a key part of marriage and if you can’t talk then you’re not ready to get married.

Skinterior · 19/08/2022 14:09

I waited eight years, although I was young when we met.

I used to joke that the longer he left it the bigger the ring would have to be Grin

Maireas · 19/08/2022 14:10

Skinterior · 19/08/2022 14:09

I waited eight years, although I was young when we met.

I used to joke that the longer he left it the bigger the ring would have to be Grin

Why didn't you propose?

LittleOwl153 · 19/08/2022 14:14

It depends how old you are and where you want to go in life. To me if you are 25-40 don't have kids but want them, then I would say 3 years is plenty and you need to be making your own choice not letting man rule your life.

Younger than this and I'd say it doesn't matter.... older or have kids lots of other things come in to play.

PeekAtYou · 19/08/2022 14:15

You've not mentioned his attitude towards marriage. Some men think that marriage is a piece of paper and happy to live with their partner while others actively want to marry.

PeekAtYou · 19/08/2022 14:16

After 3 years he should know if he sees the relationship as forever or not.

MintyGreenDreams · 19/08/2022 14:19

Ime men propose when they genuinely want to get married
.ExH proposed after 3 months (too soon in hindsight)married 10 monthd later and Dh proposed after 7months married 3 years later.

TambourineOfRepentance · 19/08/2022 14:20

Why don't you propose? Or (more sensibly, tbh) have a conversation about what you want from the relationship and from the future, and figure it out together.

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 19/08/2022 14:21

What's the AIBU?

BrownEyedFool · 19/08/2022 14:56

We discussed marriage after being together for 3/ 4 years and I said you need to propose and I need a ring! So he did and I got one. 20 years later we are still (mostly happily!) married.

I'm quite direct though. I wouldn't just wait.

venusandmars · 19/08/2022 15:01

OP you've not answered any of the questions about whether you've talked about it, or what his opinion on marriage is, or whether you have / plan to have children. So it is quite difficult to give a response.

Like any major decision you both need to be on the same wavelength - and if you feel differently you need to be able to listen to each other's views and reasoning.

I think that a woman, waiting and hoping for a proposal from a man is the most ridiculous thing in 2022!!

JustLyra · 19/08/2022 15:02

Theresalwaysmoneyinthebananastand · 19/08/2022 11:19

I get why the rush comments,but also why the wait? Why does it have to be just when the man is ready? So people would wait an indefinite time until the man was finally ready?

Why would you not discuss it and decide together? Why would you let an entire future plan hinge on one of you?

How would he even know she wanted to get married without discussion?

TokyoTen · 19/08/2022 15:19

Personally it wouldn't worry me - we've been together 27 years and have 2 adults DS.

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 19/08/2022 15:26

DH and I had been together for over 5 years when he proposed. I wanted to wait for a proposal rather than asking him. We had discussed marriage though. We were quite young (got together at 23, engaged at 28, married at 29) - I would have been in more of a rush a few years later.

In answer to the OP's question "why wait?" I guess that if someone doesn't feel ready you can't force them. We've been married for 19 years now so it was worth the wait!

HumunaHey · 19/08/2022 15:55

I hate threads like these. It's probably a fake dilemma otherwise I don't understand why OP is so scanty in the responses.

Answer some of the questions OP!

Do you have kid/s?
Why don't you propose?
Have you told him how you feel (how impatient you're getting)?