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Original poster

Sister threw DS out of the photo

1000 replies

HellMc · 18/08/2022 15:03

My DS (10) has always pulled silly faces in photos, he’s done it since he was a toddler. We tried getting him to stop but it’s like he can’t help himself so we just got on with it. We assumed if we didn’t make a fuss out of it he’s grow out of it but he didn’t. All of his school photos have silly faces etc and now we just laugh. The only photos we have of him not doing a silly face are the natural ones he didn’t know we were taking.

Anyway yesterday me, DS, sister, her kids and my other sisters son went on a day out a national heritage site. Sister wanted a group photo of all the kids so they all stood together in front of the ruins. Sister then said to DS “either stop pulling faces or stand over there out of the photo” 😱 it came as a shock as everyone was laughing at him initially and then she suddenly got mad. I told her I thought she was being a bit harsh and she said “sorry but I’ve been trying to take a nice photo of them all all day for mum and he’s ruined every one so far”.

I told DS to just this once not pull a face but he continued doing so so sister told him to get out of shot. She then took the photo of the other kids and said “there, finally mum will have a photo for her wall”.

so I said mum would want all the kids together so she said “actually, mum told me to take the pic without your ds if he insisted on pulling a face, she was annoyed with the last lot of photos I took her because he’d ruined them all.

I feel hurt, not just about my sister but also what my mum (his grandma!) has clearly been saying!!

AIBu to feel hurt at DS being excluded from a family photo that is destined for my mums wall??

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 19/08/2022 15:41

Unless I missed a post by the OP somewhere, she hasn't said that he's told her he's tried to stop but he can't

KimberleyClark · 19/08/2022 15:45

It’s the OP who said he can’t seem to help it.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/08/2022 15:46

KimberleyClark · 19/08/2022 15:45

It’s the OP who said he can’t seem to help it.

But when she asked him he said he does it because it's funny.

LastWordsOfALiar · 19/08/2022 16:08

AryaStarkWolf · 19/08/2022 15:46

But when she asked him he said he does it because it's funny.

Show quote history

He's 10. He's not going to say "oh it's a compulsion mum".

She's said they've tried multiple times to address it. That the school have tried, family have tried and he still persists. To the extent that he gets upset and still can't pull a normal looking face.

Why can't people just accept it's clearly beyond his control and therefore it's incredibly unkind to make a big deal of it.

HappyMediocreTime · 19/08/2022 16:11

Hugs OP. It does sound like a compulsion (Though what you do with that info, I don' t know). I'd try to say I'm going to hold my phone up, I'm not taking pics right now but I will do at some point - would it be possible to get one that way?

AryaStarkWolf · 19/08/2022 16:15

No he's not going to say "it's a compulsion" but he might say "I can't stop doing it mom even when I try"

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2022 16:20

Why can't people just accept it's clearly beyond his control and therefore it's incredibly unkind to make a big deal of it.

Because things children persist in doing despite being told not to are not always clearly and indisputably beyond their control. Quite often they are just being naughty.

maddiemookins16mum · 19/08/2022 16:36

My brother ruined pretty much every family photo. Bloody annoying looking back now.

ReneBumsWombats · 19/08/2022 16:42

AryaStarkWolf · 19/08/2022 16:15

No he's not going to say "it's a compulsion" but he might say "I can't stop doing it mom even when I try"

Like many others on here, you're expecting a lot of self-awareness and articulacy from a child.

He obviously doesn't really think it's funny. He's been shouted at and disciplined for it and had practice runs at home with mum and still can't stop. He gets distressed when he can't do it. He's coming up with the only thing he can think of that he thinks might constitute an answer.

That's why he needs to talk to a professional, someone who is trained in communicating with children and isn't going to call him a twat, a prick, tell Mum to hit him or any of the other unbelievable crap coming from people who really are old enough to know better.

saraclara · 19/08/2022 16:44

He obviously doesn't really think it's funny. He's been shouted at and disciplined for it and had practice runs at home with mum and still can't stop. He gets distressed when he can't do it. He's coming up with the only thing he can think of that he thinks might constitute an answer.

That's why he needs to talk to a professional, someone who is trained in communicating with children and isn't going to call him a twat, a prick, tell Mum to hit him or any of the other unbelievable crap coming from people who really are old enough to know better.

Exactly. And perfectly put.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/08/2022 16:47

ReneBumsWombats · 19/08/2022 16:42

Like many others on here, you're expecting a lot of self-awareness and articulacy from a child.

He obviously doesn't really think it's funny. He's been shouted at and disciplined for it and had practice runs at home with mum and still can't stop. He gets distressed when he can't do it. He's coming up with the only thing he can think of that he thinks might constitute an answer.

That's why he needs to talk to a professional, someone who is trained in communicating with children and isn't going to call him a twat, a prick, tell Mum to hit him or any of the other unbelievable crap coming from people who really are old enough to know better.

Show quote history

I never said any of those things about the child just so we're clear.

Saying "I can't stop doing it" doesn't require him to be particularly articulate though imo. But if the OP genuinely believes he can't stop doing it then yes I agree she should really be bringing him to a therapist or something

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2022 16:50

He obviously doesn't really think it's funny. He's been shouted at and disciplined for it and had practice runs at home with mum and still can't stop. He gets distressed when he can't do it. He's coming up with the only thing he can think of that he thinks might constitute an answer.

My DSS constantly does things he's been told aren't funny and has got in trouble for before, and he still thinks they are funny. He just doesn't remember/listen.

And OPs son doesn't appear to get distressed that he can't do it, he gets distressed when he gets in trouble for doing it.

It's not at all a given that he can't control himself, rather than him just not feeling the need to control the impulse to do it.

ReneBumsWombats · 19/08/2022 17:06

My DSS constantly does things he's been told aren't funny and has got in trouble for before, and he still thinks they are funny. He just doesn't remember/listen.

We're not talking about him.

ReneBumsWombats · 19/08/2022 17:11

Saying "I can't stop doing it" doesn't require him to be particularly articulate though imo.

He clearly doesn't think an adult will accept that answer. He probably doesn't understand it in those terms himself.

But if the OP genuinely believes he can't stop doing it then yes I agree she should really be bringing him to a therapist or something.

Yes. Someone who understands what children can and can't understand or say.

Johnnysgirl · 19/08/2022 17:36

ReneBumsWombats · 19/08/2022 17:06

My DSS constantly does things he's been told aren't funny and has got in trouble for before, and he still thinks they are funny. He just doesn't remember/listen.

We're not talking about him.

Bit dismissive?! You don't know op's ds any more than you know @aSofaNearYou's dss.

ReneBumsWombats · 19/08/2022 17:40

Johnnysgirl · 19/08/2022 17:36

Bit dismissive?! You don't know op's ds any more than you know @aSofaNearYou's dss.

Show quote history

They're different people in different circumstances and we are not discussing one one of them. Johnny.

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2022 17:43

ReneBumsWombats · 19/08/2022 17:06

My DSS constantly does things he's been told aren't funny and has got in trouble for before, and he still thinks they are funny. He just doesn't remember/listen.

We're not talking about him.

Obviously. It's a comparison. There's no more evidence that this boy cannot possibly genuinely think these things are funny than that my DSS doesn't.

Desdichado · 19/08/2022 17:50

Well you are only encouraging the behaviour by laughing about it and acting like it is a joke. What's he going to do if he needs a passport photo or the like? He won't be able to pull a face then.

ReneBumsWombats · 19/08/2022 17:51

aSofaNearYou · 19/08/2022 17:43

Obviously. It's a comparison. There's no more evidence that this boy cannot possibly genuinely think these things are funny than that my DSS doesn't.

Show quote history

There's far more information about OP's son, including the fact that it's been going on since toddlerhood, it's the only "naughty" thing he does, he becomes distresses when he can't do it, he can't articulate why he does it (because context plainly shows he isn't entertained nor think he is entertaining others), he can't even stop when trying to do private practise shots with Mum.

He's not your DSS. If you're having some sort of issue with your DSS that looks to be some sort of compulsion, you might want to start your own thread, although from the tone of this one, I wouldn't blame you at all if you didn't want to.

ReneBumsWombats · 19/08/2022 17:54

Desdichado · 19/08/2022 17:50

Well you are only encouraging the behaviour by laughing about it and acting like it is a joke. What's he going to do if he needs a passport photo or the like? He won't be able to pull a face then.

Never mind that, what if OP tries to cancel the cheque?

(I'm sorry. This thread is a bad 'un.)

GlueyMooey · 19/08/2022 17:55

You'd have thought if any of the OPs family have Apple phones with Live Photo then this wouldn't be an issue anyway. I imagine there is an android equivalent.

Novum · 19/08/2022 17:56

AryaStarkWolf · 19/08/2022 15:46

But when she asked him he said he does it because it's funny.

Show quote history

But that obviously isn't the true explanation, I think it's something he came out with when asked because he didn't know what else to say. When they were trying to get passport photos, for instance, he clearly didn't think it was funny but was unable to stop himself until it came to the point of him getting very close to crying.

Bananababana · 19/08/2022 18:05

Sorry but this is mega embarrassing. Phone social services for respite.

TrashyPanda · 19/08/2022 18:11

LastWordsOfALiar · 19/08/2022 15:19

And that's why I said they either accept it, or he gets out of the photo.

They DONT get to be angry with him.

Show quote history

Or rather - he does as he is told - which was to either stop the stupid faces or get out of the photo.

which he chose to ignore. And pulled another face.

i hope he apologised to his aunt for being so rude to her.

he knows fine that people do not want him acting the giddy goat in school photos, but he keeps doing it, so eventually he has to be removed. The other kids must get really pissed off with him. Not to mention the teachers.

addler · 19/08/2022 18:12

I also agree that I don't think he's doing it because he's funny, I think it's a compulsion.

Can you try playing a game with him, where you ask him to show you a:

Happy face
Sad face
Bored face
Scared face
Excited face
Angry face
Sick face

Etc. you can make the emotions quite specific since he's older, but it's something I used to play with smaller children to help with naming feelings and understanding social cues from other people.
You can add in his specific silly faces too- ghost, monster, whatever he normally does.

The idea is that he has an outlet for them, and making it in to a mirroring game as opposed to saying 'smile for the photo' takes some of the pressure off.

Then you can add in taking a photo of him, and he takes one of you, while you're each doing the expressions. Compare to see if you both think they match the named expression.

Once he's pretty reliable at that he might find it easier to 'make a happy face' for a photo in other environments as well.

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