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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sister threw DS out of the photo

1000 replies

HellMc · 18/08/2022 15:03

My DS (10) has always pulled silly faces in photos, he’s done it since he was a toddler. We tried getting him to stop but it’s like he can’t help himself so we just got on with it. We assumed if we didn’t make a fuss out of it he’s grow out of it but he didn’t. All of his school photos have silly faces etc and now we just laugh. The only photos we have of him not doing a silly face are the natural ones he didn’t know we were taking.

Anyway yesterday me, DS, sister, her kids and my other sisters son went on a day out a national heritage site. Sister wanted a group photo of all the kids so they all stood together in front of the ruins. Sister then said to DS “either stop pulling faces or stand over there out of the photo” 😱 it came as a shock as everyone was laughing at him initially and then she suddenly got mad. I told her I thought she was being a bit harsh and she said “sorry but I’ve been trying to take a nice photo of them all all day for mum and he’s ruined every one so far”.

I told DS to just this once not pull a face but he continued doing so so sister told him to get out of shot. She then took the photo of the other kids and said “there, finally mum will have a photo for her wall”.

so I said mum would want all the kids together so she said “actually, mum told me to take the pic without your ds if he insisted on pulling a face, she was annoyed with the last lot of photos I took her because he’d ruined them all.

I feel hurt, not just about my sister but also what my mum (his grandma!) has clearly been saying!!

AIBu to feel hurt at DS being excluded from a family photo that is destined for my mums wall??

OP posts:
WeepingSomnambulist · 19/08/2022 11:01

WeepingSomnambulist · 19/08/2022 10:58

It isnt his fault he is "a twat" as people are calling him.

It's yours. And you need to own that.

You've laughed indulgently even when you've been annoyed/embarrassed. When he brings home the school photo proofs and you see that he was removed from the class photo, I'm guessing you've told him that its ok and the school were taking it too seriously/being unfair or some variations on that so as he doesn't feel bad. You've allowed him to ruin family photos despite people clearly being fed up about it.

Then the passport. He is 10. I have a 10 year old and an 8 year old. They

Posted too soon.

They both completely understood what a passport was and why the photo needed to follow the rules. He is plenty old enough to understand. But you've never made him follow rules around this. So he did what he always does, and ignored requests to stop because you always laugh when other people tell him to stop so why should he?

Your job is to teach and guide. As they grow, you teach them correct behaviours for different situations. If they struggle to understand, you help them through it with practice etc.

You haven't done that. You just stand and laugh. He is the one paying the price because you haven't taught him.

Cyclemarine · 19/08/2022 11:04

HellMc · 19/08/2022 10:38

I have not disappeared. I’m still reading however there is only so much you can say to “your child is a twat and you’re shit”

There are at least as many, if not more, nuanced & less harsh comments which suggest ways to deal with your son’s issue. If you genuinely want to sort this out, I suggest you respond to / focus on those ones.

QuebecBagnet · 19/08/2022 11:07

The thing is in my opinion it’s a bit deeper than pulling faces. As he won’t stop when asked to it’s a lack of consideration for other people and their wants and wishes. I would not want a child to think it’s ok to put themselves in the centre and not care about others in this way. Because I’d be very worried as to what other areas that lack of consideration spills over to. He could become very unpopular as he gets older as other kids become less tolerant of shitty selfish behaviour.

Arbesque · 19/08/2022 11:14

QuebecBagnet · 19/08/2022 11:07

The thing is in my opinion it’s a bit deeper than pulling faces. As he won’t stop when asked to it’s a lack of consideration for other people and their wants and wishes. I would not want a child to think it’s ok to put themselves in the centre and not care about others in this way. Because I’d be very worried as to what other areas that lack of consideration spills over to. He could become very unpopular as he gets older as other kids become less tolerant of shitty selfish behaviour.

That's the problem. Your son isn't showing any awareness of or consideration for other people. Even when he's been told his behaviour is annoying he just keeps doing it. When he's challenged he gets tearful or defensive but the next time just carries on regardless.
He's obviously annoying family members and people at his school, to the extent he's removed from school photographs and his aunt and grandparent have both signalled they've just had enough now.

It's unfair on him to keep enabling this behaviour.

djdkdkddkek · 19/08/2022 11:14

HellMc · 19/08/2022 10:38

I have not disappeared. I’m still reading however there is only so much you can say to “your child is a twat and you’re shit”

How did it go telling him to stop?

and I probably have been harsh. My son is a young adult now but went through a bit of knob stage tho much older than your son. He was criticised by some of my family too and I found it difficult to hear and was defensive. Actually tho it was helpful for him and I to realise that my wonderful spirited boy was an irritant. He doesn’t want to be irritating and I didn’t want him to be either. So we worked it out.
so I do appreciate this thread is shit for you and if I had posted a thread of some of my sons behaviour at one time I would have received worse. I don’t think you’re a shit parent.

Original poster
HellMc · 19/08/2022 11:31

WimpoleHat · 19/08/2022 10:52

there is only so much you can say to “your child is a twat and you’re shit”

This is the beauty of MN, though - for all it can be really harsh at times. It’s not personal - people don’t know you, or your son. But what it does give you is a ‘no holds barred’ insight into how others see a situation, which you can never, ever get in real life, as people just aren’t that direct.

Some people go out of their way to be horrible, so just ignore that. But most people try to be constructive. Basically - what you’ve got from this is an answer that most people (not all, but a large majority) would find your son’s behaviour over this matter very annoying. You’ve found out that your mum and sister obviously do - but now you can put that into a wider context. That’s helpful, surely? Even if you decide that you disagree with them, it’s better to know what they think and the basis on which they think it? Much easier to have a discussion on that basis, if nothing else.

I agree, I have been concentrating on the helpful comments. From those I have seen that I have been unreasonable and things need to change.

All I’ve learnt from the nasty comments is that some people can be really pathetic.

Thanks to all of those who have taken the time to be helpful.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 19/08/2022 11:35

MolkosTeenageAngst · 18/08/2022 22:25

I’m not sure why the need to be rude with ‘bore off.’ I don’t mean if you pull silly faces in photos you can’t be included in non-photo taking events. What I mean is if you choose to exhibit specific behaviours which negatively effect specific elements of social events for others it’s understandable you might sometimes not be included. If the normal societal norm you can’t follow is to smile nicely in a photo at least some of the time then it’s surely expected that on the occasions somebody wants to take a photo of people nicely smiling you won’t be included because your behaviour is stopping the person from being able to take the type of photo they want and ruining it for them. That’s reasonable. If the normal social behaviour you couldn’t follow was, for example, not blowing someone else’s birthday candles out to be ‘funny’ it stands to reason you’d probably not be invited to join in with standing around the cake and singing happy birthday. It’s not okay to ruin something for somebody else after they have explicitly asked you not to, regardless of whether you think what you’re doing is funny. OP’s sister had asked for everybody to pose a sensible photo so if the OP’s son couldn’t do that then why should he be a part of it on that occasion?

It doesn’t even sound like OP’s son was excluded from every photo taken on the day out, it was one photo. It’s not like anybody has said they don’t want to ever take a photo of him again or that they will erase all photos of him from their house, it sounds like they just wanted one single photo where the eyes weren’t immediately drawn to the not-so-small-anymore child making a silly face. Surely that’s fine.

I’m not saying the OP’s son is a horror. I’m not saying he should be excluded from every photo for the rest of forever. I’m just saying that sometimes it’s okay not to want somebody trying to be funny to overshadow everybody else, why should his cousins have to accept that in every group photo he is going to be in it pulling silly faces and drawing all attention away from themselves? If he wants to pull faces in photos where he is the only subject or where everybody is happy for him to pull a face then that’s okay, but it’s not okay when somebody has explicitly said they’d like everybody to just smile normally. In that case it’s okay for the options to be that he either choose to just smile nicely or that he be asked to sit out of the photo on that occasion, he can’t expect to be a part of something if he’s not able to follow the rules or requests for it. It’s okay to be quirky, but don’t then expect to be included in things if your quirk goes against it. If his ‘quirk’ was never wearing socks then that’s fine, but don’t then expect to be allowed into soft play or indoor trampolining. If his quirk was having to replace the real words in carols with joke ones that’s fine, but don’t expect to be invited to be part of the school Christmas choir. It’s fine to have quirks but it’s also find for others to sometimes say that actually, right now is not the time or place for them and that they’d rather they weren’t a part of whatever they’re trying to do.

Show quote history

Very well put @MolkosTeenageAngst

AprilRae91 · 19/08/2022 11:37

A 10 year old shouldn’t be behaving in such a silly way

Original poster
HellMc · 19/08/2022 11:38

So last night we sat down and I asked how he felt being out of grandmas photo. He said he wasn’t bothered as he was in the other photos and grandma could use one of those so I said “Grandma doesn’t like those photos though as you have spoilt them pulling silly faces. They have all been deleted and the only one grandma wants is the one where nobody is pulling silly faces, that’s the one you’re not in”.

He was upset and I felt awful. I said “I know we’ve laughed at the silly face photos in the past but you’re older now and it needs to stop”. I reminded him of the passport photo and how cross his dad got with him and how it made him feel. I said from now on we’ll do a mixture of silly photos and nice photos. We had a practice and he continued doing silly faces every time and I just got frustrated and told him we simply won’t bother taking photos of him in future and sent him to his room. Overall a really really shit night.

OP posts:
djdkdkddkek · 19/08/2022 11:41

does he know how to just be normal or smile in a pic? Seems weird that he kept doing it even after your convo

Fladdermus · 19/08/2022 11:47

Can you explain what you mean by 'silly faces' OP?

Batmannequin · 19/08/2022 11:48

It's not cute like it would be at age 3 for example. He's old enough at the age of 10 to follow a basic instruction for one single nice photo. He was warned and he ignored the warning. I imagine this particular quirk has worn pretty thin over the years when all that's being asked of him is he smile just once. I don't blame him though, you've obviously validated this over the years.

Wouldloveanother · 19/08/2022 11:50

If I’m being honest his behaviour sounded annoying at the beginning but now is just bizarre. I don’t know any other kid that age that would take it this far when it’s so clearly unfunny and just irritating. I hope you get to the bottom of it because it just sound so odd.

Arbesque · 19/08/2022 11:50

Is he like this with other things or is it just the pulling faces that's the problem?

Original poster
HellMc · 19/08/2022 11:53

Just the pulling faces. The types of faces he pulls are like distorted monster grotesque faces, mouth all twisted, rabbit teeth, ghost faces etc

The only photos I can get of him are either silly faces or upset faces (after being told off for silly faces).

OP posts:
CatkinToadflax · 19/08/2022 11:54

OP, what are the silly faces? Are they obviously intentionally silly faces like crossing his eyes, pulling his mouth open with his hands and sticking his tongue out, or are they like in the episode of 'Friends' when Chandler makes a ridiculous face in each photo because he genuinely can't smile properly for the camera? It sounds really odd that he's still doing it even after your talk last night.

CatkinToadflax · 19/08/2022 11:55

Cross-posted. That's really strange then because it doesn't sound unintentional.

TheNoodlesIncident · 19/08/2022 11:55

Maybe he could practise with a phone and take some selfies of himself, so he could focus on trying to take some pictures with a normal expression (and without any feedback from anyone of either a negative/positive response)?

He's been doing this for so long that it must be a bit engrained, so he might need to train his facial muscles into a different "muscle memory".

It'll be vastly to his benefit if he can overcome this, both in childhood and in adulthood too. You don't need trauma every time a sensible photo is wanted/needed.

Goldpaw · 19/08/2022 11:58

I said from now on we’ll do a mixture of silly photos and nice photos.

But you told him a minute before that: I know we’ve laughed at the silly face photos in the past but you’re older now and it needs to stop.

You're sending him mixed messages. Say no to silly faces. Every time. He needs to learn they're not appropriate.

You also need to follow through on this: and told him we simply won’t bother taking photos of him in future

If you tell him for the next two months he's excluded from photos (as a consequence of his actions regarding Grandma's photo), and after that time is up say if he pulls a face he'll be excluded for another two months. But you need to follow through. And at the very first photo anyone takes where he has a silly face, stop him being in them right at that moment. Don't keep going, you're just fuelling the idea he can keep doing it for a while.

5128gap · 19/08/2022 12:03

Have you asked him why he does it OP? If so, what was his response?

Wouldloveanother · 19/08/2022 12:05

Or just take photos of him when he doesn’t know you’re doing it so he doesn’t have time to pull silly faces 🤷🏼‍♀️ foiled!

QuebecBagnet · 19/08/2022 12:06

I agree, ban him from photos until he can behave. I wouldn’t even invite him into a line up or ask him to pose for a photo. So take photos of others, etc but wait until he asks to be in a photo. When he asks to be in a photo ask him if he thinks he can behave. Stop at the first sign of face pulling and just calmly tell him you’re disappointed but then leave it. I wonder if subconsciously he’s doing it for attention/looking for a reaction. So don’t give him one. And don’t let him think you’re keen for him to be in a photo, wait for him to ask to be in one.

SlowingDownAndDown · 19/08/2022 12:06

What about getting him to shout bollocks, well ok cheese. What happens?

Gasmeters · 19/08/2022 12:07

I would ban him from photos from now on. He's clearly not capable of being photographed normally so don't bother.

Fruitygal · 19/08/2022 12:08

He's ten not 4 you need to explain that some photos can be silly but others need not to be. Does he do it in a class photo?

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