AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

[Mum070322]

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

She has done that with all her one children.

My mum and my mil change nappies for my dd. She’s only 4 months but they do ask if I want them to first. I’m happy for the help and more than happy for my family and some friends to change her nappy. If I didn’t trust the person then I wouldn’t have my baby around them at all. I understand consent, privacy and keeping your baby safe but I also think there’s a difference between family members you trust and are around frequently rather than strangers. I’m confused that you put the trust into the nursery above your family. If you’re not happy with your mil changing without your consent then that’s a discussion that should have happened a while ago.

I don't get the stuff about consent personally. But I didn't like other people changing my very young baby either though, I'm talking weeks old not months. I'm not sure why looking back, but it used to make me very stressed and I felt like it was something only DH and I should do as their primary care giver. I hadn't thought about it before but I wonder if it was part of my general post partum anxiety / depression.

I don’t think ‘chatting cheerfully’ applies to the process of literally pinning down an angry, writhing toddler with your leg so you can change their nappy very much against their will. 🤣

gritting your teeth and saying things like ‘you have to have your nappy changed or you’ll get a sore bottom’ and ‘if you stay still, this will be much quicker and you can get back to playing’ is more like it.

I don’t even consider the concept of consent with a small person without the requisite cognitive capacities. Assent is the best I’m going to get. And even then, I’m going to act in his best interests regardless what he thinks. Because he has no bloody idea what’s good for him.

It might feel all fashionable and right on to start talking about consent and such. But in terms of young children’s cognitive capacities, it’s pretty meaningless. It’s a bit like lecturing your cat on being kind to birds or asking woodworm to take responsibility for their actions in destroying your antique furniture. We all adapt our parenting as our children grow and develop. I’m not going to start as I mean to go on by parenting a toddler like a 15 year old because they are totally different.

Similarly, I’m wary of overgeneralising concepts that are important in very different issues. The concept of consent to sex is really important. But, actually, it doesn’t necessarily translate to nappy changing (even if it involves the same body parts) or cuddling an angry toddler who is in danger of hurting themselves. The differences matter. However clever people feel in equating the two, they’re not the same.

My 4 can't even remember me changing their nappies never mind what I spoke about at the time 🤣 I think the majority of the time I was trying the distraction technique rather than boring them with the details of what I was doing!

Nobody has ever changed DD's nappy except me and DH. I wouldn't ask a random uncle to come with me to the loo and wipe my arse, so I wouldn't ask him to do the same for my child.

Being under the impression that a baby can give consent feels like dangerous thinking to me. It's delusional and I can easily see how that type of mindset can lead to child neglect and abuse in some cases.

Your baby needs caring for by good people who have their best interests at heart.

It seems more that you want to cast your MIL as suspicious and want her to be seen negatively.

To be fair I always tell my little one what I'm doing when I change her bum, but I try and talk to her about everything I'm/we are doing. Not because I want her to consent or approve, but because eventually she'll understand and it's a good way to develop their communication and understanding IMO.

Would you ask your dad to come to the loo and wipe your arse?

OP please relax and enjoy the love and care for your child from your mother in law. No matter how much you don’t like her, start appreciating that she will be there for your family.
my lovely mother in law died too early and I miss her and the bond she had with us all.

It is sad that so many posts have been way over the top!

But... let MIL change her GSs nappy she clearly wants to, he is your son and her GS, GPs do have some rights - ok not the right to just change DSs nappy without asking if it's ok. But GPs need to bond with GC also.

Our GC are so close to us and their parents allowed us our special bonding time when they were babies, it, it is a lovely relationship as they get older and need that extra level of support, both parents and DG.

DD2 is 3 months old and no, I don't talk her through the process. Generally I sing nursery rhymes, stick my tongue out etc.

Heard it all now
Consent parenting???
Love to see how that goes when the baby is a little older!!😂
I'm really not looking forward to being a MIL, poor woman

I’ve read some bollocks on here in my time but this is complete bollocks.

Having labelled it ‘consent parenting’ it appears that what you’re actually doing is purely parenting (chatting with your baby while you change it and reading it’s body language). But I imagine that calling it consent parenting and having all the absolute drivel that accompanies it is creating a financially and ego rewarding industry and badge for people to wear which makes them feel superior to other people.

I do feel this to an extent, my child is my child. Therefore it's my duty, we have lots of conversations about who can see his privates and this does include grandparents. I didn't like in laws changing him as a newborn as they would make comments about his feet and privates. Now it's just frustrating as mil can't figure out nappies no matter how many times I have explained, so she does it and I redo it 🤦🏼‍♀️

I also change my nieces, it's just part of chipping in, but wouldn't if my SIL wasn't comfortable with me doing it.

Every family is different and you will find your way.

I’ve clearly said when I’m not there…. Obviously eventually I won’t be there all the time in that case obviously it would be appropriate for MIL or childcare professional to change his nappy

youre purposely misunderstanding. Obviously I’m a dream world I would be there all the time but eventually I will have to go to work.

This is bizarre, I wouldn’t let just anyone change my 8 month old DS nappy but surely you should be fine with grandparents and close family?? You need to give your head a wobble.

OMG what a drama lama!!!!

I mean, seriously, do the people talking as if changing an adult’s continence aids is the same as changing an infants’ nappy even think?

being smug about how considerate and respectful you are, you’re actually being deeply inconsiderate by not considering the specifics.

You’ve got a head full of wanking rhinos

FFS, you’ll no doubt be along soon, to moan that in-laws aren’t doing enough. In-laws can’t do right on Mumsnet, either too much or too little.

Be grateful @Mum070322 that your MIL wants to be involved and will even change a nappy.

So glad I found this thread.

DS17 has SLD and is doubly incontinent.

He is of not mental capacity to give consent for me to change his nappies.

According to the OP I can now leave him lying in his own shit and piss all day.

Happy days for me!

OP You need to speak to your HV or Dr.

The fact you believe that all mens brains are wired differently to womens and therefore they are clearly predisposed to have inappropriate thoughts whilst changing a childs nappy or helping them go to the toilet says far more about your inappropriate mentality than an entire genders. Don't project your unfounded anxieties onto your child.

I don’t think ‘chatting cheerfully’ applies to the process of literally pinning down an angry, writhing toddler with your leg so you can change their nappy very much against their will.

ah yes... writing baby/toddler on the floor, foot either side, pinning at the armpits to prevent flipping over...