AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

[Mum070322]

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

And please please please one of the “pro consenters” enlighten me and talk me through a process of obtaining consent from a 4 month old in a shitty nappy? 🙏🙏🙏 I’m genuinely curious

Because if just you tell them “I’m going change your stinky nappy” and go ahead, I’ve got bad news for you - it’s not consent 😪

Consent parenting for me would be teaching kids with enough capacity what consent is and when they can give it or not.

This gave me a brilliant idea for a comedy sketch …

You sound like hard work. A grandparent changing your babys nappy for goodness sake. Are you this pedantic in other areas of your life?

Nappies were changed as quickly as possible, no messing about trying to soothe, you're just prolonging the agony. Do remember your MIL has experience of this, you know, bringing up babies.

The consent to cuddles thing is a bit weird too - I think once children are old enough to say no, fair enough, but you do realise your little boy will probably go through periods of not wanting cuddles from you too........ 'No, Daddy do it' was a familiar chortle for months in our house.

😂😂😂😂. I’m totally going to use this today

I think the two issues are separate. The baby is not in danger so that aside, I have personally OFFERED to change the nappy of family and friend's babies but I would NEVER just do it, certainly with the parent standing there and with the baby crying.

It’s actually deeply offensive to equate very different things. A family member wiping your arse is not the same as one changing a nappy. A teenager respecting other people’s autonomy over their own bodies and knowing they can maintain their own is nothing to do with baby care.

I actually think the people who believe they’re getting all the work in early are probably more dangerous. They’ll assume that all those talks about how we don’t have to cuddle people if we don’t want to will actually translate to the difficult interpersonal terrain that is adult sexual relationships. It won’t.

I think I used to sing "nappy time" to the time of Hammer Time. 🤔

Absolutely must be!

There's no way in a million years I'd let my own mum wipe my bum. Makes no odds that she did it when I was a baby, she's not getting the chance to do it now.

So your logic doesn't fly.

Same! I wonder if it was a thing 🤣

Nobody has ever changed DD's nappy except me and DH. I wouldn't ask a random uncle to come with me to the loo and wipe my arse, so I wouldn't ask him to do the same for my child.

Fair enough if you don't want anyone else to change your child's nappy, but it isn't remotely the same as you, an adult, asking a relative to come and wipe your arse. It is an absurd comparison.

Also, most people on this thread are talking about family members offering to change a nappy, not asking "random uncles" to do it. If my in laws offer to change a nappy, I say yes please, but I don't ask them to.

Of for goodness sake. Talk about tying yourself in knots to make false equivalents 🙄

I would have loved a relative on hand to change the occasional nappy

I once changed my nephew's nappy as my sis was on the phone. No consent whatever, little bugger wriggled right out of my grasp and right across the room. Made a proper mess of the carpet. I was taken by surprise because my own two were (I realise now) incredibly co-operative. It was a wake up call. Never did it again.

A baby of a few months old can not consent to anything.

They are like a potato.

They just lie there and hope for the best.

You can't pre warn them you are changing them because they don't understand.

The fact they have a wet or soiled nappy and feel discomfort is enough to tell them someone will be along to sort it out.

Faffing about trying to inform them of what you will do before changing them is just prolonging the process, if they are distressed just change them then give them a cuddle and comfort them.

Consent can not be taught until the child is able to comprehend what you are saying and what risks are.

I started to talk to my three year old about inappropriate touching/behaviour etc once she started nursery and she only just grasped it. She was used to trusted grown ups helping her in the toilet and bath time.

Having that conversation or trying to do anything any earlier would have been utterly pointless.

And you absolutely can not 'ask' a baby for a cuddle.

This gave me a brilliant idea for a comedy sketch … Indeed so. I look forward to seeing it!

OP, your MIL was being helpful; your baby was unharmed. I think you need to loosen up a bit or bringing up this child is going to be one hell of a stressful chore.

Also just one day , you may need a random adult to wipe your arse

Did I, or did I not, also include partner? I think that was already covered.

It's not about eliminating 100% risk, which is impossible, it's about lowering it to a reasonable amount. And I agree with OP, being stood there meant she should have been asked. I couldn't imagine just taking anyone's child to change them without asking, GP or not. And I don't know anyone who would.

The worlds gone mad! Consent for hugs with a 4MO, stop the world I need to get off 🤯

Consent has to be age appropriate , we do things for babies because they are unable to do it themselves
So therefore a baby with a soiled nappy , we remove napoy and clean them up asap as we know the nappy will be uncomfortable
We don't speak to them ask for consent and fart arse around allowing the baby to become more uncomfortable
We ask a 3 year old for a cuddle as they can make a decision and theres no harm if they say no
But we tell a 3 year old to hold our hand at a busy road due to safety and do it even if they don't want to
Its called being a parent

Well this is different!

I suspect this is going to be something the OP looks back on and is rather embarrassed about. Very much PFB. Hopefully this thread has given food for thought even if OP doesn't feel able to admit to it.

Take any and all, repeat any help. You will be thoroughly sick of the sight of nappies by age 2.

Baby care when involving a soiled nappy should be as quick and efficient as possible.

@startfresh well you are very much in the minority and very risk adverse
Will your child go to school or nursery ? Will you always be there ? And I would never have had children with someone who I felt was even the slightest risk

This isn’t a MIL issue this is a you issue, seek help for your trust issues / anxiety.

Obviously in a dream world I'd be there all the time but I'll eventually have to go to work.

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