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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

535 replies

Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 03:11

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

OP posts:
willithappen · 18/08/2022 08:10

lawnmowers · 18/08/2022 08:08

Consent parenting seems to mean you get to control everyone else's behaviour around your baby. Imaging not being able to spontaneously give a baby a kiss or a cuddle or a hair stroke without asking for permission each time. Ridiculous. If you continue to wrap that child in cotton wool they will grow up with poor immune systems, precocity and not enough social exposure

You absolutely should NOT give a baby a 'spontaneous kiss' , especially when that baby is not your own

SoupDragon · 18/08/2022 08:11

there are a lot of really old school folk here on mumsnet

😂😂

utterly ridiculous.

And what's all this talk about "dehumanising"? For changing a nappy? Utterly bonkers.

what if your non-verbal baby doesn't "consent" to a nappy change or to being fed or to being dressed, taken out, having their vaccinations...?

Consent can only actually be given when there is understanding. A baby needs to have it's needs met. That is all. It isn't dehumanising to love a baby and to care for it.

WooNoodle · 18/08/2022 08:12

Teder · 18/08/2022 08:05

Adults don’t wear nappies, they use continence products. It’s not very respectful or humanising to call it a nappy.

Most people do talk to their baby as they go along “mummy is going to clean your poo poo, little munchkin. Now where’s the nap naps for your bot?”. I wouldn’t say the same for an adult! Ridiculous comparison.

Show quote history

Apologies, thank you for educating me.

The chatting is what I mean, that is the start of the consent and respect process.

lawnmowers · 18/08/2022 08:12

You know your MIL changed your own husband's nappies, right? Was the experience that scarring for him? How insulting

KarenOLantern · 18/08/2022 08:12

my baby also doesn’t enjoy nappy changes and I try to make them positive experience ie. i don’t just continue when he’s crying I calm him down first.

This part I agree with, I would have found that painful to watch. Unless the nappy change was really urgent and the crying was interminable, I would always try and calm them down first, I couldn't just sit and watch my baby cry.

But as for your MIL changing his nappy I think that's perfectly normal, and as PPs have said, a bit weird if you'd let a string of nursery workers do it but not your MIL.

WooNoodle · 18/08/2022 08:12

willithappen · 18/08/2022 08:10

You absolutely should NOT give a baby a 'spontaneous kiss' , especially when that baby is not your own

Show quote history

Absolutely agree

KenAddams · 18/08/2022 08:12

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 18/08/2022 07:33

Holy shit …

Is it some sort of woke thing now to ask babies for a consent before a nappy change?

What becoming a mother does to some people 😱

Did u not see a while back some guy was trying to sue his parents because he hadn't asked to be born 😂😂😂😂🤣

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/08/2022 08:13

I posted on a thread the other day about how, when my DD was a few weeks old, I handed for over to a stranger in a cafe to hold while I ate my breakfast. I was shattered, utterly exhausted, and hadn’t had a hot meal since she was born. When my full English was placed in front of me she starting fussing and a lovely lady, about 65 with her friend and their DHs, asked if she could hold her while I ate.

I let her. She held DD until I finished my food.

I had an amazing meal and her DH told me how happy it made her to hold babies as their sons and GC lived abroad.

IMO, that’s a much nicer, less stressful kind of life to lead than getting precious about asking permission to change a nappy

RedWingBoots · 18/08/2022 08:13

SudocremOnEverything · 18/08/2022 07:59

I think it’s telling that the OP’s baby (and PFB) is only 6 months old. She hasn’t yet had to deal with a toddler who most definitely does not consent to having his shitty nappy changed or taking the antibiotics he’s been prescribed or any of the other things where you simply have to over rule them because they’re far to young to make any kind of informed decision that can be described as consent.

As in so many things, she’ll look back in a year, two, 15… and think: ‘oh. What was I thinking?’ 😆

She hasn't gone through potty training when her child will ask a random adult they trust to take them to the toilet and it can be anyone they take a fancy to at the time. Even if she is right there. 😂

Namechange192727171 · 18/08/2022 08:13

OP in the nicest possible way, you need to chill out.

I feel sorry for your MIL you sound a bit unhinged.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/08/2022 08:13

That woman even kissed my DD on the face. I couldn’t have cared less.

saraclara · 18/08/2022 08:14

It's not woke. It's respectful. If you were changing an adults nappy you would speak to them and explain what you were doing.

Sadly I've been in both positions, having nursed my dying husband.
Believe me, the last thing he'd have wanted is a commentary on what I was doing. While my DGD enjoys the chat.

The circumstances make a similar process entirely different.@WooNoodle

AssemblySquare · 18/08/2022 08:15

So changing a leaked nappy in the buggy in a busy car park is a no? What about in early years settings when there are 4 or 5 nappies in a row? What about a toddler running away with a full nappy sagging to their knees?

Happy to accept I’m old skool and out of touch… there were lots of clueless oldies around when I had a PFB too!

sunsoutmumsout · 18/08/2022 08:15

Consent parenting? What bollocks

I'm off to give my 18 months old a cuddle without asking their permission first - might even tickle them too!

Lullabies2Paralyze · 18/08/2022 08:16

If you don’t want them to do it then just say. It’s your child.
but god I wish someone would voluntarily change my babies nappy when they’re visiting. My mam actually said she doesn’t “do” nappies….which I assume also means he won’t be able to sleep over till he’s older.

willithappen · 18/08/2022 08:17

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/08/2022 08:13

That woman even kissed my DD on the face. I couldn’t have cared less.

In the kindest way possible - this is really bad points to put out there. Are you aware how dangerous kissing babies can be? I wouldn't let my own family kiss my dd on the face as a baby let alone a complete stranger. Hell no!
Cold sores (which can be dormant/not shown on some) are very dangerous to babies and can be a killer

Original poster
Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 08:17

00100001 · 18/08/2022 07:01

But your baby can't consent to cuddles.

By asking a baby for a cuddle, and them not being able to consent, and then giving a cuddle anyway is not respecting the baby's consent choice.

Pretend that you asked an adult for a cuddle, they didn't respond, because they only speak Martian.and so you cuddle them anyway. Did they give consent for the cuddle? No. But you did it anyway.

Show quote history

do you even have a baby?

they definitely can choose if they want to cuddle someone if my baby is excited squealing and smiling at someone obviously they’re happy to go to that person

same way if they’re hiding their face your chest and holding on to your clothes for dear life while being held it’s pretty clear not to pass them around.

OP posts:
Cm078 · 18/08/2022 08:17

My 2 year old had balinitis recently. He didn't want the doctors or me or dad to touch it, but we had to for his sake. Some times you've just gotta do these things. People want to be involved in helping with babies. No one ever offered to do it for me, i would have let them for sure!

oviraptor21 · 18/08/2022 08:18

If your baby is in a dirty nappy he wants to be changed as quickly as possible. Total waste of time and distressing for baby to try to stop him crying by any other method than just changing his nappy asap - which is what your MIL did.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 18/08/2022 08:18

Oh no, there’s more of them, not just the OP.

You do you, obtaining constant from a baby before nappy change. 😂

Nevermind the fact that you yourself don’t know what consent is. Informing someone about doing something is NOT consent. The person giving consent must understand the consequences of agreeing to something or not.

I put #woke as a joke I’ve got about people who subscribe to whatever nonsense parenting ”style” they’ve found online, without giving it much thought or reflection.

AssemblySquare · 18/08/2022 08:18

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet I had a similar experience at a wedding… so grateful to the man who helped me. The woman sitting next to me was his daughter and we joked about me ‘borrowing grandad’ Made such a difference 😊

ClottedCreamAndStrawberries · 18/08/2022 08:19

🙄

PFB I presume?

Toosadtocomprehend · 18/08/2022 08:19

londonrach · 18/08/2022 06:30

Yabu and vvvv strange.

And controlling!

Branleuse · 18/08/2022 08:19

Its a babys nappy. Its not sexual and a baby cant give consent either to you nor anyone else. Its a grandparent. Youre being weird over nothing.

RedWingBoots · 18/08/2022 08:20

SoupDragon · 18/08/2022 08:11

there are a lot of really old school folk here on mumsnet

😂😂

utterly ridiculous.

And what's all this talk about "dehumanising"? For changing a nappy? Utterly bonkers.

what if your non-verbal baby doesn't "consent" to a nappy change or to being fed or to being dressed, taken out, having their vaccinations...?

Consent can only actually be given when there is understanding. A baby needs to have it's needs met. That is all. It isn't dehumanising to love a baby and to care for it.

Yep

My DD would often fall asleep during a nappy change. Luckily myself and others frequently changed her on the floor so she could be left there.

So she clearly didn't consent to have jibberish talked to her all the time. 😂