AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

[Mum070322]

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

Honestly I can't think of anything more grown up to say.

You really don’t need to go to this extremes of ‘reading’ children. They have a poo in their nappy, it needs changing. There really isn’t some complex issue going on in their heads about the situation. Sometimes you just need to do the obvious.

You can tell some people on here just have babies and all the time in the world. When it school drop of time and they’re in a grump about not having their favourite cereal for breakfast there isn’t time to ‘read’ them, to take about their feelings on cereal, you tell them that’s tough and you send them into school because otherwise you’ll be late for work.

So your DM wouldn't do it, she's different to your DMIL, not necessarily right.
Being a DM doesn't = right and being a DMIL doesn't = wrong.

This is a important observation and relevant to almost all MIL threads.
We're used to our own mother's 'ways' so consider then correct, and anything different to be wrong. Which is why so many MILs are on the back foot from the start, even when they're being perfectly reasonable (and even correct).

Admit it, you dislike your MiL, don’t you?
Like most on Mumsnet it seems.

Yes this

Hey OP, there are a lot of really old school folk here on mumsnet. I get the importance of the whole consent thing within parenting and think it’s great that you are setting standards up early for your little one. Ignore those who are telling you your feelings on this are silly. In your place I’d either have a non-confrontational convo with your mil where you say how much you appreciate her help but that it would be great to check in with you next time and explain what you are doing around consent with your children. Hopefully she will understand or if not at least ask next time. Unfortunately a lot of people have opinions on the ways others parents but I’ve found that it’s important to go with confidence if you feel something us right for you and your child x

I work.

I think it’s telling that the OP’s baby (and PFB) is only 6 months old. She hasn’t yet had to deal with a toddler who most definitely does not consent to having his shitty nappy changed or taking the antibiotics he’s been prescribed or any of the other things where you simply have to over rule them because they’re far to young to make any kind of informed decision that can be described as consent.

As in so many things, she’ll look back in a year, two, 15… and think: ‘oh. What was I thinking?’ 😆

Hang on - this is from the woman saying I was dehumanising my child because I didn’t explain what was happening all the 6,000 times I changed their nappy 🤣 so you can be judgmental but no one can judge you because WE have to accept how YOU parent? But you can call other dehumanisers?

Fair enough. I would feel I was dehumanising my child if I just changed their nappy with out explaining it. Other's views obviously differ so I apologise.

Please don't have this conversation with your MIL.

Absolutely no need for a comment like this!

I swear MN is a tough place sometimes.

Op ignore the nasty insults

You're a first time mum, trying to find her feet and not liking it when others go against your grain - we have all been there! First time mum syndrome is very real but it does mellow eventually lol

I agree with others that your annoyed you mil didn't ask you would you like her to do the nappy change. Mil's can be infuriating but she's only trying to help and bond with her GS. Try and remember that this tiny little human means the world to her too. Good grandparents are worth their weight in gold and they will only enrich your baby's life and yours too.

Enjoy parenthood and all the milestones yet to come. You're doing great 😘

How old is your child? I’m assuming non verbal yet

Wow. I'm afraid this is one of those things where you're going to look back on it when your child is a bit older and laugh at yourself, OP. And then laugh even harder if you have a second child.

You've already said it will be fine for nursery to change your baby. And you must surely realise that during babyhood and toddlerhood (and indeed childhood) there will be umpteen things your child will not consent to, but which you will have to do anyway?

This is next level barmy.

I would be devastated if my DIL didn't trust me to undertake basic care of a grandchild and wanted to supervise nappy changing. Consent from a baby for cuddles and nappy changing - you sound totally deranged

Do you normally catastrophise every day, routine situations? Your baby won’t explode or have poor boundaries in adulthood if you don’t explain you’re changing their nappy. It’s not dehumanising, how utterly ridiculous and melodramatic. And that kind of attitude, I assure you, rubs off on your child

Babies get their nappies changed hundreds of times. Are those doing the changing supposed to explain it every single time? The poor baby would end up with a horrendous fixation about bodily functions, if s/he isn't bored to death first.

Adults don’t wear nappies, they use continence products. It’s not very respectful or humanising to call it a nappy.

Most people do talk to their baby as they go along “mummy is going to clean your poo poo, little munchkin. Now where’s the nap naps for your bot?”. I wouldn’t say the same for an adult! Ridiculous comparison.

When they become a toddler and decide they don't want to wear a nappy, and running around naked is much more fun. You can for get about trying to maintain their privacy!

Don't most peoole talk to their kid while they're changing/about to change their nappy? I've never considered it consent, but I certainly chatted cheerfully about the process from the moment I decided their nappy needed changing. And I'm not one of life's chatterers. It's about involvement rather than consent. I alsi so the same when changing my granddaughter.

It’s been a while since I’ve changed a nappy for my children but I’m pretty sure that the most they ever got out of me when changing was a very large yawn.

Id rather have shit in my hands and clap than ever utter the words ‘munchkin l’ or ‘nap naps’.

Consent parenting seems to mean you get to control everyone else's behaviour around your baby. Imaging not being able to spontaneously give a baby a kiss or a cuddle or a hair stroke without asking for permission each time. Ridiculous. If you continue to wrap that child in cotton wool they will grow up with poor immune systems, precocity and not enough social exposure

Well, you could have that conversation, if you want to give her a great anecdote for raising a laugh amongst her friends and other in-laws.

I would however blow a raspberry on their tummy because baby giggles are the best.

I didn’t ask them permission though 😉