AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

[Mum070322]

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

It may be OP's anxiety that's the worry rather than the nappies. Or it may just be that she worded her OP badly. It's probably feeling its her own lack of consent when she was right there, rather than her babies lack of consent.

I wonder if she feels undermined more generally and this is an example she could articulate.

I still think OP is OTT - but my MIL was terrible at baby cues child cue and had to be very clearly told with no ambiguity to stop or physically headed of from things and I had a lot batshit advice. As soon as they could talk shout demand - she was so much better.

I think it’s a bit odd that she didn’t ask if you wanted her to but I would probably just brush it off. If it kept happening then I would probably just say ‘pass him over and I’ll change him’ and hope she got the hint.

I do think you’re being a bit over the top though, you were right there so could have said to her that he’s upset and needs calming first. She won’t know how you usually do things unless you communicate with her. Wells sgAlthough soon enough you’ll have a toddler that runs off and won’t let you change a dirty nappy and you’ll be wrestling them to the floor. So I wouldn’t dwell on whether nappy changes upset him too much.

@Mum070322
First baby??

I would find it really weird and uncomfortable if someone changed my babies nappy when I was right there. I think it's just a bit of an overstep. I'd be grateful if someone offered but I'd refuse.

Mostly though, I'd 100% step in if someone was doing something that made me uncomfortable no matter what it was.

So right

First of all, all my family members have offered to change nappies, and 9/10 it's because they're being helpful and just giving me a tiny break

son was the other 1/10 something sinister?

Bit of an odd post she's his grandmother be greatful she will change him if needed. One less nappy for you to deal with.

YABU

Case of PFB I take it?

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet I had a really similar experience! Dh and I took dd out for a very rare treat of a meal in a nice restaurant when she was tiny (about 3mths) We took a chance and hoped she'd stay asleep in her pram.
We were sitting outside at a lovely table and just starting to relax when, of course, dd woke up and was not content to stay in her pram.

Our food had just been placed on the table so dh and I were taking it in turns to hold her whilst the other shovelled food in. She was getting a bit grizzly so we were on the verge of packing up and calling it a day.

There was an older couple at the table next to us and they smiled and waved at dd who was staring at them. After a little while (an probably overhearing us discussing leaving) the woman volunteered to hold dd so we could eat.

It didn't even enter into our heads to say no! We handed her over and that couple took such care of her - they talked to her and then they stood up and walked up an down in front of the table and showed dd different things. She was totally entertained to be looking at new faces and hearing new voices and we got to finish our main courses. The lady managed to rick her back to sleep in her arms and we got her into the pram and that even bought us time to order dessert.

That was many years ago now but I have always remembered their kindness and gentleness with dd and what a boost it was for us as new parents without any nearby family to help.

This thread is a bit sad overall I think.

*rock

It's not just the nappy situation, that's just the example here. It's about bringing a child up with the false idea that the world revolves around them. I had a conversation fairly recently with an education psychologist who told me that narcissism isn't an inborn condition, it's widely agreed to be acquired. It struck me, reading the OP's posts, that this may explain why we have what some experts describe as a narcissism epidemic.

www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

This. You either trust them or not and anyone who I thought was in any way iffy would not have access to my kids.

I kiss my baby grandson on the face, I change his nappy and blow raspberries on his tummy. I never ask for permission from my son or his partner or ask for consent from my grandson.

Thankfully, they are not uptight and controlling. They live with me too, so if they had issues with that shit there would be problems.

Reminds me of the time when the baby Yoga instructor came around and my DIL was told to ask permission from her 6-week-old son to touch him. She looked at me quite confused and asked what was the point when the baby couldn't answer back and she is always cuddling him without asking permission to touch him.

Consent absolutely needs to be taught from a young age. Babies? give me a break.

Most of my friends and close family have changed my kids nappies at some point and visa versa for their kids.
First thing I did for my best friend when she got home was make her a cup of tea and change her newborns nappy after she had fed dc.

That’s exactly my point though. Your principles of ‘consent’ only occur when it’s convenient for you. So they clearly aren’t that important.
why is it acceptable to you for your MIL to change your DS’s nappy when she’s providing childcare for you but not ok for her to do it when you’re present? It makes no sense

it sounds like you simply want her to ask you for permission and know her place. It’s a control tactic dressed up as a concern for consent. Unpleasant.

I'm not sure it should only be parents and there should be some exceptions. However, it should be compulsory for men who try to evade their responsibilities to do so, and those who will not be disqualified from public life. Jacob Rees-Mogg should be ashamed, and Boris Johnson probably never has changed one either.

Well OP are you still bothered about this issue now despite all the the posts disagreeing with you.

It's maybe a little odd she didn't verbally offer before doing, but she was being helpful and I couldn't be upset about it. I would say YABU to think only parents should change a baby!

Have parents actually forgotten that they should be in charge? Heaven help them with stroppy teens!

In this case I think she has. God help you OP when your toddlier dosn’t want s nappy change. Or at bath time messing running round in the nip when you want him to have a bath. Will you need consent then to look after his needs despite his resistance?

You sound like hard work. You have to safeguard your child, but this is OTT and unworkable in the real world. Your poor Mil.hope you don't ever really need her help in an emergency.

Best comment on the internet ever😂

I have twins and I’d have happily let even the postman change their nappy , especially at that age ! I’m always grateful when any family member steps in and just changes without asking

@Mum070322

youre so precious

so what if your baby isn’t happy during nappy changes?! They are non negotiable and take about 3 mins to do.