AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

[Mum070322]

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

I hear you, only myself and my husband change nappies..

My hungover sister almost cried with happiness when I changed my nephew’s pooey bum without being asked. Yabu.

Aside from the whole issue of children being able to give consent, or imagining that babies have a concept of privacy, I'm finding myself wondering what kind of person your child will turn out to be if he hasn't learned to tolerate new experiences and new people doing things with him.

It may be OP's anxiety that's the worry rather than the nappies. Or it may just be that she worded her OP badly. It's probably feeling its her own lack of consent when she was right there, rather than her babies lack of consent. But never fear, my son has turned out just fine despite me being the only person who changed his nappies except for 9 weeks when I was working but DH wasn't.

"be careful, your relative might be a petty twat"

We have a 13 year old disabled child in nappies. If someone says they'll change him ( relative/carer) I jump at the chance.....BUT we do always say ...Look ### its time yo change your nappy now. Its not asking h for consett but informing them of your actions.

my baby also doesn’t enjoy nappy changes and I try to make them positive experience ie. i don’t just continue when he’s crying I calm him down first.

I take it this is your first? So, your kid has crapped their nappy and you need to leave asap to pick up your reception child but you sit there for god knows how long calming your baby to give them a positive experience changing their nappy. Meanwhile reception child is wondering wtf you are and freaking out. Come back when you have a few and navigate logistical challenges every day, day in, day out and let us know how the waiting around to calm down with everyone forging on under a positive rainbow has gone.

On another note, I know this style of parenting well. I saw babies/young kids for many years with parents claiming ‘permission’ was needed to touch them. Somehow this meant we were all meant to sit around and navel gaze for his knows how long until they magically determined their 6mo child was ready and had ‘given consent’. By the time their baby had somehow determined they were ‘ready’ you were off dealing with someone having a heart attack and expected to drop them like a hot potato now little Johnny/Mary was ‘ready’. In general, their fucking around invariably traumatised little Johnny/Mary a lot more than just quickly immobilising them and doing what needed to be done which would have taken less than a minute with people who had done it many times before. I could seriously write a book about this shot with many sequels🤣.

Personally, I would have had no trouble letting my mother, father, MIL, FIL change my kids nappies if they needed to be changed. If it was in a period where I was picking up one from school, had another with gastro, one actively toilet training who needed a potty at that instant and a baby with a dirty nappy I would have been seriously appreciative if Jack the Ripper had of popped in and volunteered (note- he murdered prostitutes, no signs he molested children).

PFB
Has to be!
Anyone would be grateful for granny to deal with a whiffy baby, not worrying about “ Consent”..
That is just wayyy over the top.
Especially as mother was present.

*shit not shot, although at times I may have been tempted to shoot someone should I have had a gun😁.

Slightly different when you knew for sure for sure wasn't feeling up to it! You also don't know the state of the changed nappy; unless I've missed something, I don't think OP has said.

my own mum wouldn’t change a nappy unless I wasn’t there and would otherwise ask if I want her to change the baby

Maybe your MIL thought you'd prefer not to have to do it? It's not exactly a pleasant job, I'd be quite happy for a relative to do it. Presumably your MIL didn't abuse your DH so why would she abuse your child? I think you are being very silly. Please grow out of this preciousness before your child becomes much older, otherwise you are going to be unsufferable.

^this

Yabu

Only reason i dont like others doing it is they don't clean my baby after a no2 how i prefer or put nappy on correctly to how i like.

But i have no issue with them doing it apart from that reason.

I just assume nobody is up to changing a nappy, ever!

It's a bit OTT but I would definitely find it strange if someone took it upon themselves to change a nappy when I was right there and hadn't asked them to.

In your mother in law's shoes, I'd feel hurt that I wasn't trusted to do such a basic and bog standard task. I don't exactly relish the idea of changing the nappy of babies who aren't my own, but I have done it when looking after my relatives and would be offended if my own family didn't consider me a suitable person to do that. I'd wonder whether they thought I might harm the child in some way and what had given them that impression.

In terms of your own parenting ideas - the way you choose to parent is completely up to you. But I think you might look back in years to come and wonder why you wasted headspace and were so rigid around something as minor and insignificant as nappy changing. It's a tiny part of your child's life and not something it seems worth being militant over. I definitely wonder why I made such a big fuss over some of the things I did when mine was a baby. He's a teenager now and some of the issues I'm dealing with are so much bigger that giving any thought to whether a nappy change fits in with a particular parenting ethos is laughable.

Calling what you're doing 'parenting by consent' makes it seem as though you're doing something different to the majority. Admittedly, I would have just cracked on whether my baby was crying or not - the crying was often due to soreness. But I also wouldn't have handed my baby over to somebody he didn't want to go to while he was clinging to me unless absolutely necessary. I wouldn't have given that a name - just considered it common sense. It gets peoples backs up a bit and I think lots of people will have responded harshly to your post because they've had a bit of an eye roll at the way you've described your parenting.

Honestly? Yes, you are being unreasonable. A grandmother changing a baby's nappy shouldn't be a problem. Just think of it as one less nappy to change!

@Spongetrip i think thats the issue , labelling everything
Most people hand back a crying baby that clearly wants mum anyway
Except sometimes say in emergency or where mum needs the toilet etc it has to happen, we didn't say its consent though , like you say just common sense
Changing nappies if our babies were very distressed we may comfort or we would just change as quick as poss and then comfort , don't we all talk to babies when changing them anyway ( normally using a silly voice or using words that don't exsist or was that just me )

She was trying to do you a favour and help you out. No one is desperate to change a baby's nappy - it's a pretty yucky job so she was just trying to help out. It was nice of her.

Just the same, if you don't want her to do that and prefer to do it yourself, that's fine too. Just speak up and say to her - oh it's ok, I'll do that!

@Rowen32 I take it you are a sahm and never go out so don't use a babysitter
Do you not trust any family members , I mean what if you had an emergency and had to leave the bAby
I get not wanting strangers ( although if they go to nursery thats gonna happen) but your mum/ mil close family friend

4 months old cannot give consent to anything. You can tell them you're to change them but they don't actually understand what you're saying.

And I cannot imagine your MIL silently changed your son's nappy. She may not have been ridiculous enough to ask him if she could but I'm sure she was talking to him.

I agree with the pp who says this is undermining the concept of consent.

And not letting him go to anyone unless he's enthusiastic and happy is setting yourself up for a world of pain. When he's 8 or 9 months and separation anxiety kicks in, are you never going to pee or take a shower? Of course not. But you might feel really really guilty about it if you've told yourself he's in control of interactions.

And yes we've all had babies. Which is why we know you're being ridiculous.

@Mum070322

lol ah OP you just wait til your baby is eating solids and having three meals a day and doing proper STINKY shits….you will be DESPERATE for someone other than you to change their nappy every so oft

your mother in law is being kind and wants to help and in time you will find you need/want the help.

Don’t burn your bridges.

your baby is only 6 months now but one day you will want a night out or a weekend away with your DP or whatever - who do you think will babysit if your burn your bridges with mother in law? Be kind to her and stop being so precious

On a side note- I'm thinking of all the times I grab my 3 DC amongst the laughter for hugs/ kisses/ tickling/ mad carry on and vice versa: have I been doing it wrong for 18 years by not asking consent? 🤯

My mind is fucking blown.

I regularly plonk my feet on my 18 year old's lap and he rubs them. Am I dismissing his rights? FFS.

PS I have a great relationship with all my DC, they love their mam and dad (and step-dad) and are happy big and small people without having been asked their consent to hug them when they were 4 months!

@Mum070322

plus the whole thing around comforting them before nappy change hence you want to do it..:just crack on and change them!

They’re probably crying cos they’ve shit themselves and are uncomfortable!

No way would I be messing on trying to comfort them, I’d just get the job done ASAP and that will comfort them

common sense

I think you are being so unfair. Do we as grandparents enjoy changing a smelly nappy? No. But I do it because I think I am helping out and giving mum and or dad a break and being helpful.

Thinking about it I always say bum change time to my 11 month old dgd. I'm really just talking to myself though as she ignores me and I'm definitely not asking for her consent. When the bum needs changing the bum needs changing!

Unless someone else is minding him which they do I don't think it's anyone's place to change his nappy and I would never ask someone else to do it, as far as I'm concerned it's our job.. They can play with him/cuddle him etc but I think the more menial jobs like feeding, changing nappies, baths etc are ours..
Just like I wouldn't expect someone to come and visit us and cook our dinner or feed our dogs!