AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

[Mum070322]

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

I like my baby to be happy during changes

You may need to re-think this when they get a bit older, protest every nappy change vociferously and kick you in the face in disgust, while simultaneously undoing one of the tabs while you’re trying to get the other done up.

I like my baby to be happy during changes

And... This.. erm...

My son missed the memo. I do 95% of his nappy changes and I can assure you he enjoys none of them. It's like wrestling an alligator.

Maternity leave is a funny time and you can find yourself overthinking things a lot. I have been on this site for way too long a while and the occasional zombie thread comes up I posted on and I wonder what on earth I was thinking/worrying about 🤣

Do what you feel comfortable with as the situations arise but if you tell people in RL you are "consent parenting" or you are protecting your baby's privacy, they will think you are either mad, a control freak or have concerns over their behaviour! There is absolutely nothing wrong with a loving GP changing their dgc nappy and it should be a big red flag to yourself that you think it could be.

Usually with me screaming "DONT GET SHIT ON THE MAT" 🤣

Thinking back 40+ years I think my scintillating nappy conversation was usually along the lines of 'God, I should stop eating curry'.

If someone had offered to change either of my kids very stinky nappies, I would have been delighted. BTW, surely it helps to allow grandparents/aunts etc to change them, so your child doesn't get so used to you that they won't let others do so? ( And scream the house down!)

Will you carry this ridiculous idea on when he is sick? Ask him if he consents to medication/treatment that he needs and would be ok with him not taking or getting help he needs because he decides as a small child that this is not what he wants?

I can't believe this is a real thread!

You're not being a tiny bit ott, you're being massively OTT.

The time will come when you won't be there, and your baby won't be used to other people changing their nappy.

What if they're in nursery and don't 'give consent' for the staff to change it? Are they not supposed to?

This is ridiculous, and you're undermining actual issues regarding consent.

But don’t you get the hypocrisy and double standards there.

you trust her to change a nappy when your not there but not when you are? Where is the logic there?

you either trust her or you don’t!

Of course it’s ok for grandparents to change a nappy, or a friend or nursery/childcare. My mum often changed nappies, even when I was there (to help out), my DC’s are now teens and don’t give a toss that their grandparents helped to change them.

You are being totally and utterly ridiculous.

Maybe, subconsciously, I chatted to distract myself from the task!

What will the OP do when her baby is older and doesn't want a nappy changing, does not 'give consent'? By the logic of 'consent parenting', or whatever this week's fad is, the baby will stay dirty until it either consents, (how?) or can change its own nappy!

Op, are you the same poster who made a thread about you and your dp having never kissed your baby since it was born and thought it was perfectly normal?

That's exactly what I was thinking!

This thread brought memories of having my DCs trapped between my legs, in a head lock, brushing their teeth. A friend was aghast saying that they would never force their DCs to do anything they didn't want to do. He changed his mind when his 4 year old had to get a GA for several tooth extractions.

(My DCs didn't grow up with trauma around dental hygiene, are both very diligent about tooth brushing and have the most beautiful teeth).

Absolutely this!

This 'issue' is madder than a box of frogs. Wake up and grow up.

You are incredibly rude and no matter what you think not a total authority of the best parenting.

First baby ?

@Mum070322 I totally respect that you are thinking about consent - it’s not v practical when they’re babies and sometimes when they’re toddlers you have to explain why you need to make them do something… but consent is important and it’s good to listen to children when they resist.

what rings more alarm bells to me is your comment about privacy. Our approach is that children shouldn’t be made to feel ashamed of any parts of the body and have them labelled as ‘private’. No part of a child is sexual. I see my job as a parent to protect them from scenarios where adults will project sexuality into their bodies and bring harm upon them. And that’s my responsibility, not theirs. I want my daughters to feel as free as they can to run around naked and have body confidence. And not feel anxiety or personal responsibility to keep themselves safe - or be afraid. There are scenarios where they made need help from doctors, nurses or even teachers and I want them to be able to ask for that help.

but we do teach body autonomy and consent… so no one should lift up your top if you don’t want them to, but neither should anyone punch your arm or do anything to any part of your body or make you hug something if it makes you uncomfortable. And my daughters use the correct anatomical names for things so that they can talk about them accurately and without embarrassment, in the same way they can tell me that it’s their ear that’s hurting or their little toe.

everyone is trying to protect their children. This is our best go at doing that. It is tricky.

Oh come on ...

Aside from the whole issue of children being able to give consent, or imagining that babies have a concept of privacy, I'm finding myself wondering what kind of person your child will turn out to be if he hasn't learned to tolerate new experiences and new people doing things with him. How do you expect him to cope with a strange nursery worker changing his nappy when you won't permit his own grandmother (who changed your husband's nappies) to do it? Is he going to turn into an anxious child who's been raised to think himself in control of what happens to him, then finds he's not? Is he going to be so attached solely to you that nursery and school are going to come as a terrible shock?

Something very weird going on that you are so uncomfortable with a woman who has successfully raised one son to adulthood stepping in and doing what's needed and what she clearly knows how to do.

Surely one of the responsibilities a mother has is to expose her child to different people and different situations in order to build up their ability to tolerate new people and demands and develop an ability to trust that they are safe with the majority of the population.

Yes, this! I think you rather muddied the waters by talking about consent, OP. Seems odd to be changing your babies nappy without even saying anything when you are right there.

I’d have been delighted if my Mil had offered to change a nappy- especially a pooey one, but she only did the wet ones!
It’s not a particularly pleasant task, so she did well.
I’d have thought any modern nursery would also vet staff thoroughly for the safety of all children present.

I understand why you might be feeling like this but I would say consider that your MIL was only trying to help and be involved. Your child has to have their own opportunities to get comfortable with other people in general and assuming you trust your MIL to care for your child, this is something you will need to get comfortable with for your child’s sake. I would also add that in a childcare setting you won’t get to choose who changes a nappy so letting other trusted family members change them from an early age will set up your child better in the long run. You don’t have to do everything and you can’t control everything so it’s important to question your (new and changing) feelings to check in with yourself- is this really in the long term best interests of your child? And are you feeling a bit anxious and/or worn out? - This is ok too and totally normal. Please try to learn to take the help, even when it doesn’t feel very helpful and if you have any concerns then by all means have that conversation or simply say “I’m feeling a bit funny about nappy changes at the moment, he cries a lot and I’d rather do it for now but thank you.”

You sound seriously ott.

Grandparents asking for parents consent for a cuddle?!!

A child isn't a possession you own. It's a person with it's own relationships independent of you. having such stringent boundaries on loving, involved boundaries is so weird.

Surely a baby's nappy gets changed by the nearest willing adult?! Its about putting the baby's needs first, baby needs changing you get on and change it.