Page 13 | AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

Mum070322 · 2022-08-18T02:11:38+00:00

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months ) Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case. a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him. I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

LittleBearPad · 18/08/2022 09:58

You don’t like your MIL do you OP

HotHeatDays · 18/08/2022 09:59

Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 08:27

I’ve clearly said when I’m not there…. Obviously eventually I won’t be there all the time in that case obviously it would be appropriate for MIL or childcare professional to change his nappy

youre purposely misunderstanding. Obviously I’m a dream world I would be there all the time but eventually I will have to go to work.

Show quote history

Actually for your childs independence and development it isn't actually a 'dream world' for you to be there all of the time.

Always28 · 18/08/2022 09:59

In the scenario you’ve mentioned it would annoy me - not because it’s changing a nappy, but because it’s just not someone else’s place to go ahead and make decisions when you’re right there. If it was my baby, I would expect someone to say, oh do you want me to change their nappy / feed them /take them for a walk, or whatever it is, rather than just do it! Most people just do this anyway without even thinking about it. Totally different if you’ve asked them to look after your baby for a period of time a then they can make the decisions.

caringcarer · 18/08/2022 09:59

I have 14 nieces and nephews from older sisters and I have changed all of their nappies, bathed them, fed them and I love them all. My sister's were always happy for me to change babies nappy or to take child out in buggy to give them a break. That's what families do and it helps the adult to bond with baby. As they grew older I took them on holiday for a week without their parents. I am close to them all. Sounds like you are trying to shut your mil out. Most parents are happy lots of relatives love their child. If ever you were in hospital you would be glad if your baby was used to receiving care from another family member. You need to stop the woke 'baby must consent' and start to appreciate those who help you and baby.

worriedatthistime · 18/08/2022 10:00

@willithappen yes she started with saying about consent etc
If she had said she felt mil interfered or should of asked then it would of been different answers for sure
The post os very much about consent parenting

Chikapu · 18/08/2022 10:00

Is it a full moon?

Always28 · 18/08/2022 10:02

But staying on point, I’ve never thought about nappy changing like this. I wouldn’t want random people doing it but grandparents, my sister, nursery etc, I was always happy to let them.

felineweird · 18/08/2022 10:02

YABVU. I mean, good god would I be grateful if my MIL took it upon herself to change my child's nappy. She was being helpful, be grateful

Glitteratitar · 18/08/2022 10:02

I understand to an extent what you mean about consent, but isn’t it also about teaching your children trust. That grandparents are safe people. I took two things away from your posts. Firstly, your teaching your child that they can trust no one and secondly, that it’s ok for things to happen to them when you’re not there, as long as it doesn’t happen in front of you.

Twillow · 18/08/2022 10:04

With the best will in the world, you're being slightly PFB (perfect firstborn).

RosiePosie80 · 18/08/2022 10:05

OP, I’m with you on talking to your baby about the fact you’re going to change them, being sensitive to whether they want a cuddle or not and generally interacting with them as a human being rather than an inanimate object. Setting good patterns re consent and bodily autonomy is great ( and doesn’t preclude sometimes having to do something your baby isn’t keen on- it’s a question of balance and respect).

I think really your mil should have asked before changing the nappy. But a blanket rule that only parents can do it is perhaps unnecessary given you’re talking about close family whom you trust- not any Tom Dick or Harry. Your choice though.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/08/2022 10:08

It's fine to say "oh he's upset, let me calm him down" or "actually he hates lying like that for a nun change".

It's more offensive to say "MIL you're violating my children's rights by casting your eyes upon him when he's in a state of undress unless I need you to do childcare and then it's fine"

Original poster

Mum070322 · 18/08/2022 10:09

LonginesPrime · 18/08/2022 09:51

obviously for some reason consent parenting is controversial but it’s not about the baby giving consent it’s about setting standards early the same way I expect grandparents to ask my baby for a cuddle not just go to grab him

But you're not setting standards early, OP - you let something happen that you're not comfortable with and then came on MN to question whether your expectation is even reasonable.

If you want to set a boundary around other people handling your baby, you need to be clear about that with the people and actually communicate it to them. It's no good secretly thinking your MIL crossed a line when she didn't even know the line existed.

Ultimately, you're the one responsible for doing what you think is best for your baby - if you genuinely felt MIL was behaving inappropriately, why did you stand there and watch it happen without saying anything? The same thing will happen over and over if you can't communicate your secret expectations to her.

I think just to clarify I put this thread up just to gauge opinion I never had ago at MIL and I do think she’s a safe person I just think it’s inappropriate to take it upon yourself to change a baby

hense the reason I posted to genuinely see if it’s just me being a tiny bit ott.

as someone pointed out she just has a different way of doing things than my own DM which isn’t necessarily wrong

i wasn’t upset by her changing my baby if I had a big issue with it or with something im definitely not afraid to say so nor do I have an issue with her occasionally she can be annoying but so can my own DM

I never said she crossed a line with changing a nappy just that I was considering drawing a line.

half the people on here are yelling because I apparently hate her, because I like my baby to be happy during changes and talk to him and the rest because I prefer my baby to want to go to someone before I let them hold him

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 18/08/2022 10:12

the reason I posted to genuinely see if it’s just me being a tiny bit ott.

You passed OTT a long time ago. It’s a mere dot on the horizon!

rejectshampoodemandtherealpoo · 18/08/2022 10:13

I'm not going to judge you for your paranoia or your preferences, but honestly just ask them to let you do it. It's not that hard. Any reasonable person will respect a request from a parent as long as it doesn't harm the baby.

So you're being overcautious? Well no harm to baby is there, just say what you need. Why would they have an issue? Changing nappies is not fun.

I was glad to have others do it as it got so tiresome, but they're only in nappies a short time so just say 'I'd prefer to change every nappy please' I really don't see why anyone would object.

Does it matter if you're being unreasonable? No.

Folklore9074 · 18/08/2022 10:16

RosiePosie80 · 18/08/2022 10:05

OP, I’m with you on talking to your baby about the fact you’re going to change them, being sensitive to whether they want a cuddle or not and generally interacting with them as a human being rather than an inanimate object. Setting good patterns re consent and bodily autonomy is great ( and doesn’t preclude sometimes having to do something your baby isn’t keen on- it’s a question of balance and respect).

I think really your mil should have asked before changing the nappy. But a blanket rule that only parents can do it is perhaps unnecessary given you’re talking about close family whom you trust- not any Tom Dick or Harry. Your choice though.

👏

Glad to see there are a few others on this thread that see this isn't the extreme thing some are making out.

Fearneyox · 18/08/2022 10:16

Wow OP you sound precious at best and neurotic at worst. Parenting is gonna be a hell of a ride for you if things like grandparents changing nappies upsets you. You can become a well rounded child and adult who understands consent/boundaries without all this crap you’re implementing. Your poor child. And your poor in-laws having to tiptoe around you.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 18/08/2022 10:16

LittleBearPad · 18/08/2022 10:12

the reason I posted to genuinely see if it’s just me being a tiny bit ott.

You passed OTT a long time ago. It’s a mere dot on the horizon!

This. With bells on. You have 96% YABU and still trying to justify yourself. Clearly you have no intention of doing anything differently or listening to the feedback so why post?!

StepAwayFromGoogling · 18/08/2022 10:21

Glad to see there are a few others on this thread that see this isn't the extreme thing some are making out.

It is quite extreme actually. Allowing a MIL to change a nappy isn't a form of bodily abuse of a baby.

WhackingPhoenix · 18/08/2022 10:21

Be careful what you wish for.

“MIL, could you look after little Johnny on Friday please?”

”No, sorry, he hasn’t given consent.”

lunar1 · 18/08/2022 10:25

SudocremOnEverything · 18/08/2022 08:47

I’ve realised how bloody angry I am about all this crap.

pretending that consent is a concept that applies to cuddling newborns utterly trivialises the actual issues around consent and sexual violence that are very real problems.

It’s not starting as you mean to go on. There are important, qualitative differences. All kinds of differences. These differences matter a great deal.

I feel the same.

It trivialises the very nature of consent and makes it some kind of joke. You cannot have consent without informed consent, understanding what is being asked of you. Understanding the ramifications of a decision either way.

A baby does not have the capacity to give consent.

There were times when my babies didn't want to go to DH as they were both breastfed. That doesn't mean I didn't still hand them over for the sake of my sanity and their development.

I feel incredibly sorry for teachers, having to cope with intakes of children who have been raised to think they can withhold consent for activities.

You can still tell your baby what's happening without a ridiculous performance surrounding every activity.

Rockbird · 18/08/2022 10:29

Lol good luck with teeth brushing 😀

SpiderinaWingMirror · 18/08/2022 10:34

Your view of your MIL is clouding your view.

AlexandriasWindmill · 18/08/2022 10:34

Restricting nappy changes to only parents (and that's mainly you since you're on maternity leave) and looking for signs of immediate consent from your baby for hugs means that your baby is unaccustomed to other people. That means when you go back to work and baby goes to nursery they are going to have to cope with lots of massive adjustments all at once. That's not centring your child. It's using 'privacy' and 'consent' as a cover for extreme possessiveness that is detrimental to your baby.
Part of our role as parents is to prepare our DCs for all the different life stages they'll encounter. Since you're going to put your DC into nursery, you need to prepare your baby for going to others and having their nappy changed by others.

Groooot · 18/08/2022 10:34

You're being ridiculous.

I wouldn't let a stranger change my child no but my parents who regularly look after him alone or a similar person?

If they want to change a shitty nappy I'm not going to stop them 🤣