AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

[Mum070322]

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

You're not reading. Of course my dc will go to school, as I already said - minimising risk where possible 🙄 which isn't possible all the time but it's about calculated risk.

I don't think my OH is a risk or I wouldn't have had a child with him and wouldn't leave him alone with dc. I do, however, understand that nothing is 100%, and even the most trustworthy person could surprise you.

Please read my words as twice you've asked me/commented when I already answered what you said.

And yes, when it comes to CSA, I'm definitely risk averse. I believe I'd be a shit mother otherwise.

This I completely agree with. I would have spoken up in this instance.

She didn’t have cold sores and TBH I wasn’t a nervous kind of parent. She lives to tell the tale and is now 9. Besides I couldn’t back time once she’d done it

Oh my god OP, have a word with yourself. I hope for your child’s sake one day you realise how ridiculously you’re behaving.

Did any of our parents ask our consent when changing our nappies at 6 months old? No? Has it had any long standing impact or trauma? Can consent be taught to children in a sensible and time/age appropriate manner? It absolutely can and the way you’re going about it is neither of those things.

Clearly, the vast majority are showing you are being unreasonable, so was there any point to this thread if you aren’t even going to entertain the notion that you may be in the wrong here?

By the time my 4th was here I loved it if someone else changed a nappy. It isn't a particular highlight of my life and I don't think it was for my babies.

Well I’ve had 2 babies and whilst I wouldn’t pass around an upset baby, I found they were usually somewhere in between squealing with joy and crying.

However when your baby starts nursery you will find that they will cling to you and you have to hand them over to the nursery worker. That’s life I’m afraid. And they’re fine

I think you have just enough time to reset and manage your expectations before you have to start actually forcing your child to do things they don't want to - to keep them alive.

Kids will usually refuse to eat / drink water / hold your had so they're not hit by a car..... the list is endless.

Also - handing your screaming sobbing clinging child over to a nursery worker / childminder is something most of us have done.

You need to start thinking about that stuff, real soon, OP.

To be fair to the OP her baby is only 6 months old, so not mobile, not determined, not defiant, not verbal. In another six or twelve months or so I expect her parenting ideas will have had the sharp edges knocked off as she re arranges her house and her boundaries to accommodate a rampaging toddler bent on destruction.

Bloody hell. You have a long hard road ahead of you if your child is 6 months old and you think like this.

It's not unreasonable for another person to change your child's nappy when you are in the house. Obviously grandparents/family try to help out and nappy changing is a tedious task (like bath time too when you have done it for years). Consider baby led consent for this is, quite frankly, ridiculous. Grip needed for you here.

Consent for giving and receiving cuddles and kisses from people can come when the child shows they can make a choice to do something or not and then it's ok to not enforce a cuddle with granny/uncle/bearded lady at the shops etc.

FGS, a grandparent shouldn’t be allowed to change a nappy?

MN really does take the biscuit sometimes.

I take it the OP will never be expecting GPs to babysit until after her PFB is out of nappies!

Weird that you’re more comfortable with a complete stranger changing your baby than their own grandparent. You do realise the grandparents changed your nappies or your husband’s, right? Do you think they’re peadophiles or something, I really don’t understand why this bothered you so much.

Jesus wept. Even in light of the usual PFB batshittery on here, you sound like really fucking hard work. Do you ever unclench or is everything to do with your baby this freighted with anxiety and imagined boundary transgressions? If so, good luck over the next 20 years 👍

Oh lovely when you have another child or when your baby is a bit older you'll realise how ridiculous you sound and have a 🤦‍♀️ moment. Give your MIL a break.

To be far to OP, if my DGD needs a nappy change and my DD is present in the same room, I will say something along the lines of "Ooops, looks like DGD needs changing, shall I do it?" or something equally casual, not expecting any answer other than sure, cool, or thanks. I'm not sure I'd do it without a word.

I’ve clearly said when I’m not there…. Obviously eventually I won’t be there all the time in that case obviously it would be appropriate for MIL or childcare professional to change his nappy
youre purposely misunderstanding. Obviously I’m a dream world I would be there all the time but eventually I will have to go to work.

So t

Cat key board issue there sorry.

It does seem given this it's less consent and much control - fact MIL didn't ask or seek your permission.

All you can do is have a word - but I have to say it's is very pfb behavior.

I don't think many people offered to change our children - and after three kids you aren't precious when someone else does it. MIL probably thought she was being helpful. But it clearly upset you so find a way to let her know and I'm sure she'll leave the dubious pleasure to you in future.

I haven’t voted. I think a grandmother would be fine, but perhaps I’d be a bit ermmmm if my sisters boyfriend did it. Basically is about who you trust and who you know well surely.

I try to get my sister and mum to change as many nappies as I most possibly can 😂

You're being OTT. Do you have any signs of post partum depression?

I expect grandparents to ask my baby for a cuddle

What do you expect him to have a debate about it before giving his consent?

Utterly ridiculous thread and you sound like really hard work.

What will you do when they go to nursery/school? Stick a camera on them and watch from home?

I think a grandmother would be fine, but perhaps I’d be a bit ermmmm if my sisters boyfriend did it. Basically is about who you trust and who you know well surely.

Fair point though according to IL it was extremely odd for DH their father to change any nappies.

obviously for some reason consent parenting is controversial but it’s not about the baby giving consent it’s about setting standards early the same way I expect grandparents to ask my baby for a cuddle not just go to grab him

But you're not setting standards early, OP - you let something happen that you're not comfortable with and then came on MN to question whether your expectation is even reasonable.

If you want to set a boundary around other people handling your baby, you need to be clear about that with the people and actually communicate it to them. It's no good secretly thinking your MIL crossed a line when she didn't even know the line existed.

Ultimately, you're the one responsible for doing what you think is best for your baby - if you genuinely felt MIL was behaving inappropriately, why did you stand there and watch it happen without saying anything? The same thing will happen over and over if you can't communicate your secret expectations to her.

@startfresh but this post isn't about risk is it and as a mother of course i am risk adverse to a degree but not to the point my mil changing a nappy in front of me or asking a 6 month old can I hold them
I managed to get two kids to 19 and 16 pretty event free by using common sense and judgement when needed

I guess your baby your rules, but I do find this a bit strange when you’re talking about family. I don’t think twice about changing my nephew’s nappy if I’m holding him when he poos and I like to give his parents a break rather than hand him back every time he needs something. I wouldn’t do the same with a friend’s baby but when it’s close family I think it’s fairly normal.

I do understand what you’re saying about consent, maybe part of the issue here was that you didn’t like the way she changed him whilst he was still upset if you always calm him down first? In that case rather than have a blanket ‘no nappy changes’ rule maybe you’d be better to gently tell her that DS is happier if you do XY and Z between setting him down on the mat and changing him so that she’s following the way you and your DP do it. You’ve already said there will eventually be a time grandparents and nursery etc will need to do this and I feel it’s better that he’s used to people other than Mum and Dad supporting him with his needs before that time comes so it’s less of a shock for him. Having other close family members help care for him and lovingly meet his needs is building up his ability to cope with change and to trust people outside of his parents which will be important for his socialisation.

overbearing because she changed his fucking nappy? Jesus Christ.

Years ago I went away on holiday with friends. My husband went for a walk. I went for a shower leaving my baby (who had been constipated) with my two friends for 10 minutes. My child decided this was the opportune moment to be the opposite of constipated. My friends changed my baby. I remember being so grateful as we have no family support and them doing that was just such a nice kind thing to do.

You are lucky if you have good, kind family support who you trust. Raising a child should be a village but it often is now. Your child will be happy to be loved and safe with people and that is a good thing. So whilst I see you worrying about consent I say have a look at the bigger picture and see how wonderful it would be if your child grew up with more than one person they feel they can trust and be safe with.