AIBU Only the parents should change nappies?

[Mum070322]

I’m very keen on consent and protecting my baby’s privacy and prefer that only myself and my partner are the ones to change DS nappy ( 6 months )

Obviously I understand if we’re not available due to nursery eventually or if someone else is babysitting then I’m happy for someone else to do it however this has not yet been the case.

a while ago my MIL was over and my baby started crying and rather than just give him back decided to take it upon herself to change him (I was standing right there) he continued crying throughout the change and she gave him back straight after but it annoyed me as it wasn’t her place to change him.

I didn’t say anything at the time DS was 4 months and I was trying to be nice and friendly but starting to find her more overbearing and I’m getting close to drawing a line.

Jesus wept

I’ve realised how bloody angry I am about all this crap.

pretending that consent is a concept that applies to cuddling newborns utterly trivialises the actual issues around consent and sexual violence that are very real problems.

It’s not starting as you mean to go on. There are important, qualitative differences. All kinds of differences. These differences matter a great deal.

@startfresh also being stood there meant she could if spoke up, if you can't do that how will you expect your children too
I would of said Oh don't worry I will do that as we feel only me and dh should change nappies
If you have beliefs and think those are right then own it and stand by it
I never forced mine to cuddle when older but I was happy to convey that to people as well otherwise how do they know ,as there other dil could of been totally happy or just maybe the dad was totally happy or do dads not have a say now then

@SudocremOnEverything exactly this its very silly and not the same as teaching consent for safety on anyway

I wouldn't worry, by the time they are eating 3 meals a day no one wants to change them

You sound rather difficult.

PFB perchance? 😆

On a side note, when one of my kids was a baby and whilst attending a baby massage class, the instructor demonstrated how to ask baby if it was ok to change them. I was sitting there thinking ‘Seriously? I can barely pin down my kid for 5 seconds whilst they’re wriggling like an eel and trying to roll/crawl off let alone asking them seriously to consent to having their dirty nappy changed!’ 😂

In our family whoever noticed the nappy needed changing would do it, aunts, Uncles, teenage cousins, grandparents. Everyone helps everyone.

consent isn’t a bloody monolith. There’s a very good reason why primary school children are taught that no one (other than for medical reasons) should ever touch their genitals. And then we have to teach something different and more nuanced to teenagers who need to understand that they might want some people to touch them in some ways at some times.

There is a huge, difference in kind. And it’s insulting to reduce it to crap consent for nappy changing, as if at all relevant.

Your responses are increasingly combative and rude. Maybe you are feeling defensive because people don't pull their punches on here. Maybe it's indicative of your personality. I appreciate there's possibly other context that you haven't added, but what you've described in your OP is not an example of an overbearing MIL whatsoever. It just seems like you don't like her.

You are not teaching your baby consent by making verbal requests to them at 6months. Consent is incredibly important, and yes the foundations of the concept (trust, being "listened" to by having your cues interpreted etc) can be introduced from day one, but you are not achieving anything whatsoever by verbally asking for consent for nappy changes or cuddles or anything else from a person who was born a matter of months ago.

A grandparent changing a baby's nappy is about as run-of-the-mill and mundane as it gets. If you have a rule that nobody other than you is allowed to change the baby without your express permission - as is your right as a parent - then you need to communicate that to people because it's unusual and nobody could possibly be expected to know about it.

It sounds like your child is lucky enough to have a grandparent who wants to be actively involved. A lot of us would give anything for our children to have that. Unless there are genuine issues with your MIL that are likely to affect your child, then your child deserves a relationship with their grandma that isn't deliberately hobbled by you simply because you don't like her.

I'm totally into consent for tiny humans, and think telling a baby you're going to change them is a good idea, but not letting trusted relatives change a diaper before they're able to communicate in some crude way they'd prefer a parent to do it is a bit much.

Got a two week old after emergency c section and any trusted person is very welcome to change a diaper. I'll reevaluate such things when he's able to communicate a preferance (which I do admit can be pretty early for some particually if methods like sign language used, but i figure I've got at least another few months before then).

Is this a joke? I saw someone saying the same thing on GMB a while ago and it was so embarrassing watching them. Obviously consent is important but asking a baby for consent to change a nappy is crazy. Communicating with them is different.

Biggest loads of nonsense I've ever heard.

No one really likes changing nappies (well, not in our house anyway!) so if a family member pops off to change one of the DC, I'd see it as them doing me a big favour.

I agree with this. I'm a granny and would never just whip my granddaughter away to change her nappy without saying "shall I change her for you?" - not that I would want to change a nappy if mum or dad were there. That's their job if they're around!

Exactly. Consent isn't relevant as a baby cannot give it.

Tiny humans can’t consent to anything. They’re a bundle of reflexes at first. They’ve no sense of self and don’t even know they have feet. Asking if they’re ok with you changing a nappy if like asking the door if it’s ok with you closing it.

And, do you know what, learning the enormous difference between just giving gran a hug to say hello and the complexities of consent to sex in a long term, adult relationship would be enormously useful to so many people whose right on responses seem to disengage their critical faculties. They’re totally different.

YABU you cannot be serious surely

Can't believe you're getting worked up over this

That’s not about consent or privacy though. It’s about respecting that your child is the parent. It’s a knowing your place social skill.

Ha ha ha! Wait until your child learns the word NO!!

Good luck parenting by consent. 😂😂😂

You sound very precious. It makes no sense as to why you'd allow nursery staff to change nappies but not your mil. Your mil has managed to bring up at least one child.

Consent is a good thing to teach to children from a young age and for adults to ask children for cuddles but nappy changing is non negotiable! What are you going to do if you have an 18 month old with a filled nappy and he says no to you changing it?? YABU

I think in a year or two when you have a toddler, you will look back and realise how ridiculous you were being.

And learning that no doesn’t mean no in toddlers. It’s part of learning that they are a person, rather than indicating anything about their preferences.

I don’t think all the consent parents have any idea that their children will grow up and regard their parenting ideas not as enlightened and ‘on the right side of history’ but in the same way my generation regards our parents’ choices (including snacking). It’ll be the same ‘why the hell did they think that was reasonable? We know much better now’ thing.

Christ on a bike.

OP, for someone who is "very keen on consent" you seem to have absolutely no understanding of what the word means.

I was a HCP in a former life and had to undertake specific assessments to determine children and teenagers had the mental capacity to consent/refuse treatment or interventions. They were deemed able to consent or not if they were able to process and understand the information given to them, retain that information over a period of time, repeat it back to me and explain the potential outcomes of consenting/not consenting in their own words. Your baby cannot do any of these things and will not for some time! They are developmentally, cognitively and emotionally incapable of doing so.

Talking to your baby while you change their nappy or telling them you're going to change them has nothing to do with "consent". And the thing about cuddles, that's just bog-standard, normal parenting, I don't know anyone who would force their baby to be cuddled by a relative if they were obviously distressed by the prospect and clinging to their Mum at the time. Again, that is nothing to do with "consent", most people simply have no desire to cause unecessary distress to a child.

It's your baby at the end of the day, you set the rules and others don't have to like them. But it's ludicrous to pretend that this is about "consent" and your baby's privacy, the fact is you as the parent would just rather others didn't change him! You were put out that your MIL took over and changed the baby without asking you. This isn't about your baby, this is about your boundaries and others may think it's a bit controlling but the majority will accept it because your baby, your rules. Trying to dress it up as some sort of parenting philosophy or ideology is where you're going wrong. The phrase "consent parenting", like that means anything at all when applied to an infant, makes absolutely no logical sense for the reasons stated above and IMO undermines the whole notion of consent.

If I were still an academic, I’d totally be writing a grant proposal about developmental misconceptions, overgeneralisation/trivialisation of social issues and consent parenting right now.

anyone want to do that?