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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepkids are "our" kids

143 replies

sayless · 17/08/2022 19:04

When I met DP he was a stepdad. He'd been in her life since she was 6 months old and raised her as his own. He split with her mum when she was 3. He still saw her every weekend and provided for her by buying things (not giving cash as her mum had a drink and weed problem). The mum stopped him seeing her about 9 months ago when she moved her new boyfriend in.

I have two girls (7 & 12), their dad died 5 years ago so obviously isn't around. DP is their stepdad and in that role, they adore him.

This is probably all in my head but I feel like how can he love my kids when he met them at an older age? How can he love them like his own when they aren't?

He doesn't have any bio children. He's only 32 so it is something we may consider in future but he says he's happy to have them or not have them as he knows it's not ideal for me (I'm 35, my kids were prem and I nearly died in labour).

I see so many couples who split up and stepdad isn't interested in seeing the kids anymore...

AIBU yes stepdads can love kids like their own

YNBU it isn't the same bond

OP posts:
MacaroniBaloney · 17/08/2022 19:07

Some men can, some cannot.

Sounds like you've found one that can.

PeekAtYou · 17/08/2022 19:07

Do you believe that people who adopt don't love their kids as much as people who have biological kids?

PeekAtYou · 17/08/2022 19:08

I think that love can come in different forms.

Ohthiscantbeit · 17/08/2022 19:09

He sounds awesome 😊

GuerlainHo · 17/08/2022 19:10

Of course it’s possible, OP.

I have my own children and several children around me who aren’t blood related to me but I love them as if they were my own.
Even before I had children, I loved children as If they were my own.

it’s possible.

Catfordthefifth · 17/08/2022 19:11

I have a step dad and tbh I don't know whether he loves me like his own, but I know he loves me. That's enough, honestly. If he is kind to them and they are happy, don't torture yourself with whether it's the same kind of love. If everyone is happy, that's the main thing isn't it. I was a teen when my step dad came into my life btw!

GuerlainHo · 17/08/2022 19:11

Becides, most children are such blessings and so pure and adorable.

it’s hard not to love them honestly.

SavingsThreads · 17/08/2022 19:12

Your fears are around the step daughter he no longer sees and doesn't pay maintenance for?

magaluf1999 · 17/08/2022 19:13

You have posted two questions at polar opposite ends of the spectrum-how can he love them when hes only known them x years? And then how can he love them as his own? The reality is its somewhere in the middle. I dont think you do love your step children in quite the same way as your own i just think thats biology, but i do love mine and I know my own kids are loved both by my partner and their step mother. Does my partner love them in exactly the same way as his own? I doubt it. Never asked as its a hiding to nothing.

You found a great guy, hes got a track record of being great to kids and he is being great to yours, why are you overthinking this?

MapleLeafMoose · 17/08/2022 19:15

Eh, don't know if I can vote on this because I don't think it's unreasonable either way. To want kids of your own and be given the opportunity to adopt not just a random (but deserving) child, but children of someone you love. Alternatively, I don't think it's unreasonable if either child or parent do not have the same bond with their step children as with their biological ones.

The only unreasonable thing is when two adults get into a relationship and either has kids of their own, and the other doesn't understand what a blended family means. It means that just because you may not have the same oxytocin flowing through your veins as with your own biological children, you still want the very best for them and play a parental role in their lives which comes with responsibility. The amount of step parents on here that I've seen that treat their own children with favouritism and view their stepchildren as just a ball-and-chain is truly frightening.

Sounds like you found a good man who wants to start a life in earnest with you and your children. Enjoy and treasure it.

Augustlou30 · 17/08/2022 19:17

Some people just have alot of love to go around 🙂 how sad he can't see his step daughter anymore. My step dad came into my life when I was in my 20s. Him and my mum live close to me and he is Grampa to my kids and absolutely adores them. I realise it's probably not the same tho x

Surplus2requirements · 17/08/2022 19:17

My first daughter was 3 when I first met her, 11 when her Mum and I split. We 50/50'd. She's 29 now still very much my daughter.

My 2nd was 11 and 18 when we separated. It is slightly different as she never quite saw me as Dad but still tells me now (22) that I'm a better Dad than her Father ever was.

My relationship with them both is the best thing I have.

crosbystillsandmash · 17/08/2022 19:18

My dh certainly loves my 2 like they're his own but we have no biological dc of our own and I personally think this has made a huge difference.
They were 4 and 8 when he first met them and are now both adults.
He loves them unconditionally and is totally devoted to them.
He provides for them financially as if they were his own and has been an involved and interested parent, they rely on him as if he was their biological dad.

MapleLeafMoose · 17/08/2022 19:20

crosbystillsandmash · 17/08/2022 19:18

My dh certainly loves my 2 like they're his own but we have no biological dc of our own and I personally think this has made a huge difference.
They were 4 and 8 when he first met them and are now both adults.
He loves them unconditionally and is totally devoted to them.
He provides for them financially as if they were his own and has been an involved and interested parent, they rely on him as if he was their biological dad.

Also @Surplus2requirements

These types of posts warm my cold, black heart.

museumum · 17/08/2022 19:20

Does it matter if he loves them “like his own”? Hi doesn’t have his own and is ok with that. He might never know the feeling of having his own biological child. He loves / cares about these children. Is that not enough?

loosebutton · 17/08/2022 19:26

PeekAtYou · 17/08/2022 19:08

I think that love can come in different forms.

As a step parent I think this is a very key point. He doesn't have to love them "as his own". He can just embrace the special and unique bond they have and love them for who they are to each other.

monsterastuckiosa · 17/08/2022 19:27

In my experience, the less pressure you put on this relationship, the more likely it is to blossom into something special.

He won't love them 'like his own' –he'll love them like he loves them, which will be different to how you do and equally as special.

I don't love my DSS like he's my own, because he's not. But we have our own relationship that neither of us has with anyone else in the world, and that's uniquely meaningful to both of us.

loosebutton · 17/08/2022 19:28

In my experience, the less pressure you put on this relationship, the more likely it is to blossom into something special. I totally agree.

AclowncalledAlice · 17/08/2022 19:28

It is possible to love a SC as your own....I was the R"P" of mine when her dad left us (we were the R"P"'s at the time). I have put the P in inverted "'s as I am fully aware, as was she, that I was not her parent.

Caroffee · 17/08/2022 19:30

Your OH has already shown that he wanted to stay around in a stepchild's life after a relationship ended.

'Love as his own' is possibly unreasonable. 'Love' or even 'care for' should be enough.

Would you rather he wasn't around in their lives at all? Don't ruin this one with unrealistic expectations and over-thinking.

stuntbubbles · 17/08/2022 19:30

What does “loving them as his own” even mean, really? Plenty of people have bio kids that they treat appallingly, or treat differently from each other.

golddustwomen · 17/08/2022 19:31

I agree with @Ohthiscantbeit

littlefireseverywhere · 17/08/2022 19:32

I met my stepdad when I was 18, ( my dad was a total waste of space!) I’m now 50 he’s been in my life for all that time. My teenage kids all call him grandad. He’s got his own bio kids who I don’t see as brothers as we’ve never lived together but I’m fond of them. I live him more than I knew possible and I know he thinks the same of me. I don’t call him dad not I do send Father’s Day cards etc. totally possible!

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/08/2022 19:35

He doesn’t have “his own” so he can’t know if he loves other peoples as his own. As he knows, it can be a risky business giving your heart to a child you might never see again at any point, if he’s sensible it’s something he’s aware of still despite how he may love your children. Lots of relationships don’t last forever and when there are existing children involved it can be complicated.

If he loves and cares for them well that’s all that matters. There doesn’t need to be a competition with a hypothetical child of his own, what would be the point, he can’t possibly know how he’d feel.

The comparisons with adoption also aren’t necessarily helpful. When you adopt a child they are yours. They’ll always be yours. When you date or marry a parent they’re not yours, unless you then adopt them.

His relationship with your children is dependent on his relationship with you. If it ends he has no right to continue even seeing them. If he’s sensible he’ll protect himself a bit to prevent too much further pain like the kind he’s already experienced.

Goldencarp · 17/08/2022 19:35

I have a step daughter and 3 children myself. I’ve been in my step daughters life since she was 3. I love my step daughter and would do anything fir her, not sure if it’s the same way I love my biological children but I’ve never really thought about it! She’s treated the same and given equal amount in the way of money.