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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepkids are "our" kids

143 replies

sayless · 17/08/2022 19:04

When I met DP he was a stepdad. He'd been in her life since she was 6 months old and raised her as his own. He split with her mum when she was 3. He still saw her every weekend and provided for her by buying things (not giving cash as her mum had a drink and weed problem). The mum stopped him seeing her about 9 months ago when she moved her new boyfriend in.

I have two girls (7 & 12), their dad died 5 years ago so obviously isn't around. DP is their stepdad and in that role, they adore him.

This is probably all in my head but I feel like how can he love my kids when he met them at an older age? How can he love them like his own when they aren't?

He doesn't have any bio children. He's only 32 so it is something we may consider in future but he says he's happy to have them or not have them as he knows it's not ideal for me (I'm 35, my kids were prem and I nearly died in labour).

I see so many couples who split up and stepdad isn't interested in seeing the kids anymore...

AIBU yes stepdads can love kids like their own

YNBU it isn't the same bond

OP posts:
CheeseyToasts · 18/08/2022 17:19

Endlesslypatient82 · 18/08/2022 17:17

I’m flicking through a mag, doing an Ocado shop and posting on mumsnet all at the same time - I can reassure you that “bothered” I am not! 😂

You clearly are to be so invested in this subject you post god knows how many times despite having 0 experience of the topic in question

Endlesslypatient82 · 18/08/2022 17:20

I am intrigued by the idea that people are so confident their partners love their children as much as their biological.

How is that even possible to know? Surely you mean - “treats them like his own”. Very different to “loves them like his own” surely?

Endlesslypatient82 · 18/08/2022 17:21

CheeseyToasts · 18/08/2022 17:19

You clearly are to be so invested in this subject you post god knows how many times despite having 0 experience of the topic in question

Show quote history

Well it is interesting yes, and I do have the afternoon off so 🤷‍♀️

I suppose alongside my Ocado shop - I am “invested”!

Endlesslypatient82 · 18/08/2022 17:27

CheeseyToasts · 18/08/2022 17:17

@Endlesslypatient82

No, you were questioning people who said their partners loved their SC as much as their own

If it's not for you fine (I'll have my own judgement on that but whatever)

But don't question how can someone know their partner loves their SC.

Of course I can question how someone can measure how much someone else loves their child.

Endlesslypatient82 · 18/08/2022 17:29

Groooot · 18/08/2022 09:01

And no not loving your step children like your own doesn't make you not a good person or lacking in some way.

I don't love my step children in the same realm as my son. But I'm still kind to them, I still care for them, I still treat them with respect. I'm still a good step mother to them and I'm still a good person.

i love this

fufflecake · 18/08/2022 17:30

Endlesslypatient82 · 18/08/2022 17:20

I am intrigued by the idea that people are so confident their partners love their children as much as their biological.

How is that even possible to know? Surely you mean - “treats them like his own”. Very different to “loves them like his own” surely?

I too am interested. It feels to me like it might be what they want to believe rather than how the partner actually feels. Obviously I am not there so I do not know.

wellobviouslyyoucan · 18/08/2022 17:33

I have a birth child who is now an adult with her own children.

My husband met her as a toddler and brought her up as his own. She calls him dad.

We've also got foster children who have lived with us for years.

We both love them all!

mathanxiety · 18/08/2022 18:33

YABU
He sounds like a good man.

Grumpypants78 · 18/08/2022 18:39

I have a step dad who's been in my life for 30 odd years now and he came into my life at 15. I'm sure he loves me he lives with us 🤣, not sure if it's the same way a dad loves his daughter but he sure as hell adores my kids as if they were his own grandkids I've no doubt about that!

WhackingPhoenix · 18/08/2022 18:54

My SM refers to me and my siblings (her biological children with my Dad) as ‘our kids’; she will not use the term ‘step’ to describe our relationship and has always said she loves me as if she gave birth to me. I adore her, in a different way to how I love my own Mum, but I still adore her. Love isn’t a finite resource.

Longleggedgiraffe · 18/08/2022 20:03

As a Stepmum myself I say you don't need to analyse why he feels for them the way he does. Don't complicate matters. Accept the status quo and enjoy your life together.

aSofaNearYou · 18/08/2022 20:45

WhackingPhoenix · 18/08/2022 18:54

My SM refers to me and my siblings (her biological children with my Dad) as ‘our kids’; she will not use the term ‘step’ to describe our relationship and has always said she loves me as if she gave birth to me. I adore her, in a different way to how I love my own Mum, but I still adore her. Love isn’t a finite resource.

However your comment about your mum does perfectly illustrate why it would be perfectly normal for a step mother to NOT love you like she gave birth to you.

Bejeweled · 18/08/2022 21:04

Nobody here said that SP have to love their SC more than bio children or at all, simply that it's possible, and it's nice when that relationship builds.

Sometimes SP see SC as their own children/love them. This might happen if they have no bio children; raised SC from very young; SC's other parent is absent and they are their only mother/father; they live together permanently; or they just get along really well.

Bejeweled · 18/08/2022 21:08

There are bio parents who don't love their own DC, so it's no good making generalisations. Being related by blood isn't the defining factor of relationships between parent/child.

MugginsOverEre · 18/08/2022 21:51

My stepdad has been in DSis and my life since we were about 10/11 so almost 30 years now. It's only now we're adults that there's this strong bond. He's not my dad but I introduce myself as his daughter. He also calls me and DSis daughters. When we were young he wasn't a dad to us (in fact, he was a total prick) but he also wasn't really that good a dad to his actual son. Contact time was pretty much my stepbrother being 100% my mum's responsibility to care for him while stepdad went away with work or more often, golfing/shooting/drinking whatever.

If he was a more fatherly type then I would certainly think he would have been a very protective, and loving dad despite DSis and I not being his. He's made up for it now and would do anything for us.

WhackingPhoenix · 18/08/2022 21:54

aSofaNearYou · 18/08/2022 20:45

However your comment about your mum does perfectly illustrate why it would be perfectly normal for a step mother to NOT love you like she gave birth to you.

Show quote history

Of course it is. I just shared my experience of how my own SM treats me 🤷🏼‍♀️

aSofaNearYou · 18/08/2022 22:12

Nobody here said that SP have to love their SC more than bio children or at all, simply that it's possible, and it's nice when that relationship builds.

A lot of people have made their thoughts on SPs who don't love their SC like their own (let alone at all) abundantly clear.

1982mommaof4 · 18/08/2022 23:01

They absolutely can and do

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