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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepkids are "our" kids

143 replies

sayless · 17/08/2022 19:04

When I met DP he was a stepdad. He'd been in her life since she was 6 months old and raised her as his own. He split with her mum when she was 3. He still saw her every weekend and provided for her by buying things (not giving cash as her mum had a drink and weed problem). The mum stopped him seeing her about 9 months ago when she moved her new boyfriend in.

I have two girls (7 & 12), their dad died 5 years ago so obviously isn't around. DP is their stepdad and in that role, they adore him.

This is probably all in my head but I feel like how can he love my kids when he met them at an older age? How can he love them like his own when they aren't?

He doesn't have any bio children. He's only 32 so it is something we may consider in future but he says he's happy to have them or not have them as he knows it's not ideal for me (I'm 35, my kids were prem and I nearly died in labour).

I see so many couples who split up and stepdad isn't interested in seeing the kids anymore...

AIBU yes stepdads can love kids like their own

YNBU it isn't the same bond

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 17/08/2022 19:41

There are plenty of men who show very little interest let alone love towards their own biological children. There are some men who are far more loving and caring. It’s really to do with the man and not the biological connection.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/08/2022 19:42

Of course they can, and it sounds like he does. Don’t set up a competition with his other Step Daughter (poor kid.)

Shgytfgtf111 · 17/08/2022 19:45

Your fella sounds awesome 😊

Bigoldhag · 17/08/2022 19:48

My stepdad met me at 3, my sister at 2. I don’t think age necessarily matters. He calls me his eldest, even after producing children with my mum, he tells everyone he has 4 children. He never ever differentiates. He is my dad, i am his daughter. Some people just can share that love and it sounds like your partner can too!

Milkand2sugarsplease · 17/08/2022 19:49

DH adores my DS. Their relationship is a joy to watch and my heart jumps still when I see them together. They have a far better relationship than DS has with his bio dad.

Let him love them and be their dad. It doesn't mean forgetting their dad and you get to enjoy their relationship too

Darkstar4855 · 17/08/2022 19:51

I think it’s not the same as when you have a child from birth.

BUT that doesn’t mean that it’s not love.

Ohwowanother · 17/08/2022 20:01

I don’t have any SC but read so many posts on here about negative experiences and ongoing problems. It is so nice to read a thread with so many positive stories. My husband has a step mum and I can honestly say she loves our 3DC the same has her 4 biological DGC. This is in contrast to his own mother who never bothers with them. So lovely to see positive step parent relationships

BadNomad · 17/08/2022 20:12

I think it helps when the biological father isn't around. There are no toes to step on. They can fully commit to the role without competition or conflict, if permitted by the mother. It's easier for the children too.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 17/08/2022 20:16

My dad met my sister when she was 7. Until the day he died he loved her as if she were his own. He was Mr x for a long time, until one day he said you can call me Uncle x if you want She said no, I want to call you Dad. My mum always said it was one of the proudest days of his life.
Your dp sounds like a keeper.

onlythreenow · 17/08/2022 20:22

Plenty of men, and women, love their step-kids as if they were their own. It's just that MN seems to be full of the other sort.

Guiltycat · 17/08/2022 20:30

I think it can depend on whether there is a biological parent around.

My friend married a widower with two young dc, and also divorced a man with one young dc.

She has said that she loves current step children as much as her own, but that in her previous marriage she was always conscious that the children already had a mum to love and advocate for them, so she felt a certain distance and felt like she was stepping on eggshells a bit as the ex was so determined that she not take on a 'mum' like role.

Step-dads may find it slightly easier if the biological dad is alive but not around much/ only a weekend dad.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 17/08/2022 20:31

Why do you want him to love them as if they were his own? That doesn't seem reasonable. He's not going to love them the way he loves the child he raised from 6mo but that's ok!

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 17/08/2022 20:37

DNA means nothing. My DSD couldn’t be loved more if she was mine - I’d die for her.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 17/08/2022 20:39

My DP's dad is his stepdad. He came in to his life age 5 (and older brother who was 7). His mum and dad then went on to have 8 more kids. They divorced when my partner was 25. That was 11 years ago. He still treats him like one of his own even now. So much so, he treats my children who aren't DP's the same as all his other grandchildren (and obviously DP's own daughter who again isn't biologically related). He paid for DP to go through court represented when his ex was denying contact and again all the other 5 cases he has been through in the last 5 years. He has booked and paid for us all to have a weekend away with him. He paid for all the children plus partners and grandchildren to stay in a massive house for a weekend a few weeks ago so we could all spend time together - something that is difficult with 10 kids ranging from 17- 38. He asks about my children regularly, he shows interest in us all, makes the effort to come on days out with us. All whilst living 5 hours away. On days out he helps out with the kids, particularly with one of mine who has ASD and ADHD. He couldn't do more quite frankly. He is dad. No question of it.
And I'm lucky to be part of the family. Blood is definitely not thicker than water here.
As for DP, he is pretty damn close to perfect. He does so much for my younger boys (who were 4 and 2 when we met). He does absolutely everything a damn good father would do, but doesn't overstep which means my children are parented how I would want them to be at all times. The only difference I see between his daughter and mine is his patience, he is more patient/lenient with his daughter but that is more to do with the very difficult mother she has than of how DP wishes to be. If his daughter went back and said daddy was cross with me mum would immediately stop access. It causes different issues here, and I certainly wouldn't want my children parented that way. DP parents like me. We are essentially kindred parenting spirits. And I feel incredibly lucky to have found him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/08/2022 20:54

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 17/08/2022 20:37

DNA means nothing. My DSD couldn’t be loved more if she was mine - I’d die for her.

Do you have your own as well?

autienotnaughty · 17/08/2022 20:58

My dh became part of our family when dd's were 4 and 6. He genuinely loves them to bits and has always treated them and our ds exactly the same.

Every step relationship is different, when they meet, how often they are together, if bio parents are involved, if they have bio kids etc

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 17/08/2022 21:00

TBH I don’t think you can expect a stepdad to carry on seeing their stepchildren if you split. I don’t think that’s a reasonable ask

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 17/08/2022 21:00

I also hate ‘DNA means nothing’ - surely that’s up to the child to decide, not you

girlmom21 · 17/08/2022 21:04

My dad loves my step sister like his own and my step moms the same with me. We all started living together when she and I were both 5

23pairs · 17/08/2022 21:17

I definitely believe that you can. I have a DSS who I adore (he's 10 now, we've been together since he was 2 and he has only ever known us together, and his mum and her partner together) and I just cannot imagine loving him less/differently than I would love my own child. I'd do anything for him, we love spending time together, he's truly amazing.

We haven't had any children together (I've had multiple miscarriages) and I understand that people tell me it may change if/when we do, but I just cannot imagine adoring him any less than I do now. I feel blessed to be a part of his life.

Livelovebehappy · 17/08/2022 21:21

i think it’s easy to love them when they’re well behaved, but might be different when they become teens with their raging hormones and irrational behaviour. I think biological parents struggle to love them, never mind someone not related by blood.

Sarahmayo · 17/08/2022 22:44

My DH has been a brilliant Step Dad to my 3 DD, who he met when they were 10 and twins 8. We have been together for 8 years. I believe it is possible to love a child you have met when they were older. I can see my DH loves my DDs and they love him, they call him Dad, biological father doesn't show much interest and they call him by his name rather than Dad, this has been their choice completely.
In regards to having a child together, I would seriously recommend sitting down and having a really serious conversation with your DP on this one. My DH insisted for years he didn't want any children of his own and I was fine with that, although I made it clear I was happy to have one if he wanted. Move along a few years, and he's completely changed his mind and is now desperate to have a baby. Although I'm now 40 and I so wish he'd said this 5 years ago, however after a year of trying, a MMC and a Chemical I am now 9 weeks pregnant and 🤞🏻 so far this time everything is going well.
I would certainly recommend finding out his true feelings on having a baby though

Hankunamatata · 17/08/2022 22:50

My friend adopted his then wives children when they married. They split when kids were teens but as he said he is dad so did shared contact and plys active role in their lives

onlythreenow · 18/08/2022 05:44

My friend adopted his then wives children when they married. They split when kids were teens but as he said he is dad so did shared contact and plys active role in their lives

I also know people who have done this.

Besttobe8001 · 18/08/2022 06:00

Does it matter?

For example. I love my nieces. I would die for them. I sacrifice time and money for them. I love the nuances of their personalities and I love contributing positively to their lives. I love spending time with them and they love me.

Do I love them as much as my brother and sil do? Obviously not. But I love them as much as any non parent could. And that's the most that can be expected of me.