Stepkids are "our" kids

[sayless]

When I met DP he was a stepdad. He'd been in her life since she was 6 months old and raised her as his own. He split with her mum when she was 3. He still saw her every weekend and provided for her by buying things (not giving cash as her mum had a drink and weed problem). The mum stopped him seeing her about 9 months ago when she moved her new boyfriend in.

I have two girls (7 & 12), their dad died 5 years ago so obviously isn't around. DP is their stepdad and in that role, they adore him.

This is probably all in my head but I feel like how can he love my kids when he met them at an older age? How can he love them like his own when they aren't?

He doesn't have any bio children. He's only 32 so it is something we may consider in future but he says he's happy to have them or not have them as he knows it's not ideal for me (I'm 35, my kids were prem and I nearly died in labour).

I see so many couples who split up and stepdad isn't interested in seeing the kids anymore...

AIBU yes stepdads can love kids like their own

YNBU it isn't the same bond

Good luck with your pregnancy x

I know its not exactly the same but me and my husband are foster carers, we have done both short and long term placements,
Our oldest son came to us when he was 12, initially for short term which turned into long term, he is in his late 20s now and we have both loved him exactly as if he were our own for years and years. He knows we would do anything for him, he has his own children now and still comes over every weekend and in the week.

The care and dedication comes immediatly, the attachment builds gradually and the love is there pretty early on. I think it helps when they are under 16 at the start as there is time to build 'childhood memories'.
We cannot reminise with him about his life before he came to us, but he still says things like "remember that time we went camping and I got to ride a horse" or "that summer holiday was brilliant, remember dad took me to that football match and we had ice cream on the beach".
We have shared memories, he still had a childhood with us and he knew he was loved the whole time. You can definitely love kids that are not biologically yours, even when they are older.

@Hankunamatata if he adopted them he should do shared contact shouldn’t he. Surely the implications of adoption would be explained to them during the process. If not willing to take on the extra responsibilities he should have just remained as stepdad

My DH has been an amazing SD to my DC since the age of 8.
We are so lucky to have him and be definitely loves DC as his own. They have a wonderful relationship all of their own. DC's never referred to him as her stepdad, only as Dad but calls him by his Christian name to him.

My husband loves my son like his own. DS was three when we got together. They've got an incredible bond, and very different to what DS has with his biological father which is complete disinterest on both sides. We don't have any children together, we can't.

There are some lovely posts on this thread that really fill you with hope about human nature!

For me, I had 4 adult "step-sons" with my ex - some of whom had partners etc and one had a child. While we were together I certainly thought of them as family. It was a difficult split and I am now only close to the youngest. We text most days, share all important life news etc. I am proud of his achievements and worry when things aren't going well for him. I definitely love him - not quite as a son but feel more protective than just a friendship.....It is kind of in between.

It's not the same as my feelings for my biological child but it doesn't need to be. Love is always a blessing whatever form it takes.

My stepfather came to me when I was in my teens. He was the only grandfather dd knew. He showed me more love and care than I had been used to growing up. He died a few years ago and is sorely missed.

@Besttobe8001 Thank you 😊 x

@sayless

YABU

he doesn’t need to love them as his own

My DH loves my DC as if they are his own (no biological DC of his own, although he would have liked to and is very family orientated).

What I notice most is that he really “knows” them as people and notices the important stuff. He has said things like “ X child went straight up to her room after school, is everything okay as she didn’t seem quite herself ?” when I hadn’t noticed anything (and he has been right!). I respect his opinion about parenting - although he follows my lead generally - because he is talking about people who he knows well and understands, it is just generic “this is what parents should do”.

Financially he contributes equally, without question, but more importantly he shares the load in other ways. For example, he makes time to finish work early to be at school events as he knows what’s important to them, and we always make sure at least one of us can attend. They love him in return and it’s a real relationship that has built over time where they all have their own little things that they do together.

They have their own biological dad who they also love and he does them, but it’s a very different relationship. That’s EOW and he is not available or interested in anything to do with them that falls outside of that weekend, no matter what, including emergencies or medical apts.

I suppose that has been a difference too, that DH isn’t stepping on anyone’s toes by building such strong relationships. His DM also treats them in the same way as her biological grandchildren.

They were 5 (twins) and 7 when he met them. I know he would carry on seeing them if we weren’t together, they have asked him a few times about that (not sure why, we aren’t on the verge of splitting!)

Some of these stories have brought a tear to my eye. So lovely to read about good men (and women) on MN!

I am not a step mum

but can categorically tell you that I could never ever love a step child even as fraction as much as my own.

There are some lovely posts on this thread that really fill you with hope about human nature!

a person who can’t love his SC as much as his own biological children is not somehow lesser in “human nature” then a person who can!

I think most of the problems here come with parents of step kids isn't it? Rather than the kids themselves. It's being raised by 4 adults with conflicting values and different levels of authority. If there's only one household that must be easier to love the kids because there's less getting in the way? (I mean easier - not saying it's impossible to love step kids when there's more than one household, just that it's challenging when you're navigating different adult relationships in addition to the kids ones) so you can focus on the kids relationship instead of managing 3-4 different adult roles for the kids.

I think most of the problems here come with parents of step kids isn't it? Rather than the kids themselves

Very true – and not necessarily because of multiple houses / 4 people instead of 2.

The emotional weight and worry that parents carry about it (OP's version is just one example) can make the whole endeavour very tense. High expectations, touchy subjects, needing to 'make up for' a separation by over-doing things, worrying about if things are 'enough' or 'the same'... the whole thing is fraught with emotion and often lack of communication, which can make it really difficult to just focus on 'loving the kids'.

Most of my difficulties as a step-parent came from navigating DP's emotions and expectations – nothing to do with DSS at all.

The less pressure there is on 'how it's going', the better it's likely to 'go'.

Which isn't to say, by the way, that parents shouldn't feel high emotion about their kids post-separation, or that it's unreasonable to worry... I'm not bashing parents for caring, at all – it's just worth being aware that it also has an impact.

Can we please stop pretending step parenting in most cases is comparable to adoption. It isn't.

How can he love them like his own when they aren't?

Does he need to? I don't love my step children like my own and I'd be at my husband if he ever suggested I should.

It is of course slightly different in your case as your children have no father around so he may step into that role more than your average step parent but does he HAVE to love them like his own?

Are they happy? Is he kind to them? Does he treat them with love and care? If yes, does it matter?

Yes it's possible but it's not reasonable to expect it imo.

And no not loving your step children like your own doesn't make you not a good person or lacking in some way.

I don't love my step children in the same realm as my son. But I'm still kind to them, I still care for them, I still treat them with respect. I'm still a good step mother to them and I'm still a good person.

Well you’ve got a much better chance of him developing a good relationship than a man who didn’t raise a child that wasn’t his own. He has form for it!

i think it’s much easier to take children under your wing without the complications of a “competing” parent.

All the best OP, you’ve obviously been through a lot so I can understand why you’re ruminating about it all.

Yes I feel the same.

I think it depends on the person.
Some people could never love a child they perceive to be someone elses. Plenty can though. I am sure I could.
My dp has been stepdad to my ds1 since he was 4 and hes now in his 20s and he says he loves him as much as his own children, and has always behaved like he does too. My ex husband also seems to love his wifes children very much amd went on to adopt one of them, but he was adopted himself so i think it was extra important to him.

I dont think my stepdad loved me as much as he would have his own, but he still loved me and was good to me

I suppose that has been a difference too, that DH isn’t stepping on anyone’s toes by building such strong relationships. His DM also treats them in the same way as her biological grandchildren.

I think it is a lot easier in these circumstances to be honest.

In my situation for example, DSC live with us 50% of the time, they have a very involved mother who'd probably despise me attending things like school events etc.. I'd be massively stepping on her toes by acting the way PPs husband does. So the relationship hasn't developed in the same way as my own child because it's completely different. It doesn't mean it's bad, it's just different because that what our circumstances allow for.

I imagine it's much easier to build the relationship like your own DC if their other parent isn't massively prominent in their lives or not around at all as you're essentially fulfilling that role yourself whereas my DSC don't need me to fulfill a mother's role, they have one.

Basically it's impossible to have one rule for all when it comes to blended families. They should be judged on their own individual circumstances. I won't accept anyone judging me for not considering my DSC as my kids. Because they aren't and I'd be creating a whole load of drama with their mother if I insisted they were and acted accordingly.

Would it have been different if DH was a widow when I met him with no other woman in the picture not wanting another woman mothering her kids? Quite possibly.

it isn’t *just generic “this is what parents should do” was what I meant to write in my post 🙈

My step dad is the best thing that happened to my mum, brother and I. We were 10 and 5 when he came into our lives ( he has his own children too which he continues to have a good relationship with). As adults, we are all close. I 100% think of him as my dad and vice versa.

My own father was a mean, violent alcoholic and a horrible person (homophobic, racist etc.) He died last year and I didnt go to the funeral. The thought of my step dad passing away already has me welling up. A very kind, and patient soul who never made my brother and I feel any different from his other children.

I am a step mum now and have followed his wonderful example.