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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stepkids are "our" kids

143 replies

sayless · 17/08/2022 19:04

When I met DP he was a stepdad. He'd been in her life since she was 6 months old and raised her as his own. He split with her mum when she was 3. He still saw her every weekend and provided for her by buying things (not giving cash as her mum had a drink and weed problem). The mum stopped him seeing her about 9 months ago when she moved her new boyfriend in.

I have two girls (7 & 12), their dad died 5 years ago so obviously isn't around. DP is their stepdad and in that role, they adore him.

This is probably all in my head but I feel like how can he love my kids when he met them at an older age? How can he love them like his own when they aren't?

He doesn't have any bio children. He's only 32 so it is something we may consider in future but he says he's happy to have them or not have them as he knows it's not ideal for me (I'm 35, my kids were prem and I nearly died in labour).

I see so many couples who split up and stepdad isn't interested in seeing the kids anymore...

AIBU yes stepdads can love kids like their own

YNBU it isn't the same bond

OP posts:
Thereisnolight · 18/08/2022 10:42

monsterastuckiosa · 17/08/2022 19:27

In my experience, the less pressure you put on this relationship, the more likely it is to blossom into something special.

He won't love them 'like his own' –he'll love them like he loves them, which will be different to how you do and equally as special.

I don't love my DSS like he's my own, because he's not. But we have our own relationship that neither of us has with anyone else in the world, and that's uniquely meaningful to both of us.

This is a lovely and sensible post.

All this overwrought “love them like your own”. About someone you and your DC have only recently met. Don’t be so needy OP. Look after your DC in a more stable, balanced way.

Ilovelurchers · 18/08/2022 12:17

Endlesslypatient82 · 18/08/2022 08:31

There are some lovely posts on this thread that really fill you with hope about human nature!

a person who can’t love his SC as much as his own biological children is not somehow lesser in “human nature” then a person who can!

And nor did I for a second suggest it did!

Bit defensive?

If you read my whole post I say that love is always a blessing whatever form it takes. I meant all the posts where people talk about loving their step children or step parents whether or not they love them "like their own".

To be honest I don't really know what loving them "like their own" would precisely mean, as people have all different kinds of relationships with their own kids....

It's just great when the relationship is a positive one for all concerned, no matter what exactly that looks like!

Endlesslypatient82 · 18/08/2022 12:53

Most of my difficulties as a step-parent came from navigating DP's emotions and expectations – nothing to do with DSS at all.

@monsterastuckiosa

what did you mean by this?

Marvellousmadness · 18/08/2022 12:55

Your kids are 7 and 12.
Be realistic
He will never form a true dad bond with them
But he CAN form aan amazing step dad bond over time

Endlesslypatient82 · 18/08/2022 12:56

my love for my children is unconditional. It wouldn’t matter whether they had committed the most heinous crime, I would still love them. Would my thoughts and feelings for them be impacted? Absolutely. Would I still love them? Without a shadow of a doubt.

whereas any love that i have for any other child simply would not could ever be unconditional

CatherinedeBourgh · 18/08/2022 12:58

I met stepdad when I was 5. He split from mum when I was 15.

I am now 50, still in touch and close to him.

It is not the same as with his bio children, but he has been a very loving step dad to me.

TheSoapyFrog · 18/08/2022 12:59

I met my now ex when his step daughter was about 5 years old. He split with his ex when SD was about 3. She is now 18 years old and he still loves her as if she were his own and she considers him her dad.

doodlywoodlydingdong · 18/08/2022 13:10

I met my DH when my kids were 2 and 3 1/2. 20 years on , ABC an extra two kids and he is the best choice I ever made. My eldest two kids adore him, he took out a residency order to keep them in case anything happened to me. We changed their names. He is the only dad they have ever known.

When my eldest was a nightmare teenager and our tiny house was too small for us, he got a flat around the corner and the moody teenager moved in with him for a year or two. He has stood by me and my autistic adult son when he was charged and convicted of having some illegal images. It would never ever occur to him to walk away, they ARE his kids and that's that. He's told me repeatedly that if he had to save them or me he's sorry but he's their Dad and he would visit my grave 😂🤷🏼‍♀️.

Now we've got grandchildren and despite having no biological link to them he is just the most wonderful grandad that there could be. He doesn't need biology with a heart the size of his.

Endlesslypatient82 · 18/08/2022 13:12

When my eldest was a nightmare teenager and our tiny house was too small for us, he got a flat around the corner and the moody teenager moved in with him for a year or two.

seriously? Wow that is incredible

LidFlipper · 18/08/2022 13:20

My husband loves my daughter like his own. Probably in slightly different way to his own child, but he absolutely does love her.

fufflecake · 18/08/2022 13:24

LidFlipper · 18/08/2022 13:20

My husband loves my daughter like his own. Probably in slightly different way to his own child, but he absolutely does love her.

Then he doesn't love her "like his own". That's perfectly OK though.

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 18/08/2022 13:28

I gained a stepdad when I was 5. He had no kids of his own, he and my mum had no further kids. I'm now in my mid-50s, they are still married, and he is still my stepdad, as good as a real dad, just not biologically linked.

CheeseyToasts · 18/08/2022 13:30

Of course they can

My mothers husband is one of them. He was with his ex and she had a 3 month old little girl, she also had a drinking problem so became her default parent.

They split when she was 3 but he has maintained a relationship and is her dad. She still calls him dad (she is in her late 20s now) and spends more time with him than her picked mother too.

I never understand the people on here who say it's different, many people have enough love in their hearts to see step children as their own.

TriptotheBog · 18/08/2022 13:33

Endlesslypatient82 · 18/08/2022 08:31

There are some lovely posts on this thread that really fill you with hope about human nature!

a person who can’t love his SC as much as his own biological children is not somehow lesser in “human nature” then a person who can!

You're looking for problems here. It's heartwarming to see stepparents who love their SC.

xogossipgirlxo · 18/08/2022 13:35

Be happy he is this way. You can see so many posts here saying "it's his child blah blah blah, I'm not going to take care of him/her, I want to spend time with my child only/want to have some rest etc.". He seems like a decent guy.

Rosebel · 18/08/2022 13:36

I have a SD who I love very much but it's not the same as I love my children. It's a different type of bond but a very special and loving one
OP your partner sounds brilliant. He doesn't have any biological kids so even he won't know if he loves them like his own.

FlyingSaucerss · 18/08/2022 13:43

We had a step dad growing up, he definitely didn’t love us but it didn’t matter he treated us well that was the main thing, I couldn’t be a step parent myself though and there’s no way I could love anyone’s kids like my own but that’s just me.

doodlywoodlydingdong · 18/08/2022 13:57

Endlesslypatient82 · 18/08/2022 13:12

When my eldest was a nightmare teenager and our tiny house was too small for us, he got a flat around the corner and the moody teenager moved in with him for a year or two.

seriously? Wow that is incredible

Yes, he's a wonderful man. My eldest daughter had a lot of mental health issues as she saw a fair bit of domestic violence as a baby/ toddler. This obviously stopped when he went to prison and then I got sorted and started uni and met my DH. My daughter went on to get a diagnosis of emotionally unstable border line personality disorder due to the trauma. Her teenage years were shocking and very difficult on us as a family. We still stayed together as a family, saw each other every day and ate meats together etc. but getting a little flat for the two of them gave her the space she needed and the 1-1 attention. I had my hands full with my ASD son and the two younger kids. It worked out brilliantly over time, she eventually came home when we got a bigger house and now she lives with her partner. Our (now adult) son with ASD wanted more independence and so he lives in the flat and his dad stays over 2-4 nights a week and with me the rest of the time. He's the most selfless, caring man I know. He adores his family. I often joke that our eldest is his secret favourite, they talk 3-4 times a day, have "in" jokes and in the past I've even been assumed that he's her biological child and I'm the step mother 😂🤷🏼‍♀️

Groooot · 18/08/2022 14:17

I want to spend time with my child only/want to have some rest etc.

And that's a problem...why?

I'm a stepmum, a very good one, but yes I like to spend time with my own child alone sometimes... Hardly a crime.

xogossipgirlxo · 18/08/2022 14:32

Groooot · 18/08/2022 14:17

I want to spend time with my child only/want to have some rest etc.

And that's a problem...why?

I'm a stepmum, a very good one, but yes I like to spend time with my own child alone sometimes... Hardly a crime.

Yes if it won't make stepchild unwanted in your house... As it's the case in many threads here.

monsterastuckiosa · 18/08/2022 14:38

Endlesslypatient82 · 18/08/2022 12:53

Most of my difficulties as a step-parent came from navigating DP's emotions and expectations – nothing to do with DSS at all.

@monsterastuckiosa

what did you mean by this?

All the things I said above that sentence....?

Genuinely not trying to be obtuse here, just not sure how much more clearly I can say it 😂

TeachesOfPeaches · 18/08/2022 14:48

I would find it pretty weird if an unrelated male loved my 6 year old. I couldn't imagine loving anyone else's child either.

10HailMarys · 18/08/2022 14:50

You're asking a question to which there isn't a definitive answer. It's going to differ from person to person and family to family. I'm sure for some people it isn't the same bond, but for some I'm sure it is.

My brother has two stepchildren who were aged I think 5 and 3 when he met their mother. He then went on to have biological children with her. They're now divorced. I have honestly never asked my brother how his feelings towards his stepchildren compare to his feelings about his biological children, and I obviously can't speak from a parent's perspective, but I know that as a family, we genuinely do not see or feel any distinction between the stepchildren or the biological children. As far as my parents are concerned, they are all their grandchildren and as far my sister and I are concerned, they are all our nieces and nephews. We definitely love them all just as much. Like I say - I know that's not a parent's perspective though.

Geccochebello · 18/08/2022 14:58

It is possible both to love your step children as your children as a step mother and as a step father. Don't believe the certain congregation of step moms of mumsnet whose explicit purpose here is to convince you otherwise cos believing its possible and not achieving it makes them feel shit about themselves. Love can happen, and I'm speaking from experience. But it needs to be the right character.

QueenofLouisiana · 18/08/2022 15:10

My stepdad and I met when I was 7, the relationship between him and my mum began as one of convenience, linked to childcare and free petrol!

Nearly 40 years on, our relationship is very much a child/ parent one. He gave me away at my wedding, he was there 10 minutes after I gave birth, he taught me to swim, he helped me move in to my room at uni. I’m always introduced as his youngest daughter.

I’ve had to ask medical professionals to delete the family history I’ve just given them- as that info isn’t about my father…it’s about my dad, who has no DNA link to me or his grandson.

All in all, I think it is possible. Definitely.