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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what in life has made you saddest and how you ever got over it?

377 replies

Danceswithduck · 17/08/2022 18:32

Something in life hasn’t worked out I hoped / expected it would. It feels a bit like heartbreak - that’s all I can liken it to.
Im so sad and could cry all the time. I cannot say what it is as it is so identifying to me.

What made you the saddest you’ve ever been and how did you get over it? Or learn to live with it?

OP posts:
weegiemum · 17/08/2022 19:56

My mum left when I was 12, with my Dads best friend with whom she'd been having an affair for 3 years.

Over and over in my life I've ended up getting depressed and having therapy for the current "obvious" reason, it took a wonderfully thoughtful and caring psychiatrist when I had pnd with my 3 rd child to pin it all together for me. I was still going back to being a child and feeling that hurt all over again (she said some very difficult things to me when I saw her again a month later). Everything that happened triggered it.

I worked really really hard on myself after that. I got over my drinking problem, went back to education, brought up my 3 now young adult children, worked on my marriage (to the extent we're quite looking forward to being empty nesters in a few years!). And now, 17 years later I'm training to be a psychotherapist myself!

I also cut ties with my mother 16 years ago. It was not, and never was going to be a healthy relationship, and she continued to let me down. She's now old, sick, and not my problem. And could be reading this now if I have read things correctly. I don't care.

I'll never be over it. There's always going to be that 12 year old weegie in there, but I've learned to look after her and soothe her, and live my life as an adult in a healthy, life-giving way.

theniceunderstandingone · 17/08/2022 19:56

I trained for 5 years to become a midwife. It was great at first and I got to the 3rd year but in that time my teenage son was doing bad at school and then started running away then went missing then got trafficked by some drug dealers and kept away from me for 2 months (he was 15). My Nan and two best friends died and my mental health really suffered. In the end I couldn't qualify
This was 4 years ago and I'm still not over it.
I'm sad about it all the time especially as some of the girls are on my Facebook and living it
I feel like such a failure

Butchyrestingface · 17/08/2022 19:58

Family bereavements, obviously. And you don't "get over it", you just get on with it.

Babdoc · 17/08/2022 19:58

DH dying suddenly when our DC were babies. He was my soulmate, and I still mourn him and cry over the loss, thirty years later. I will miss him until the day God reunites us.
OP, there is no way round, over, or through grief. It is the price of love. All you can do is accept it, live with it, and try to find some happiness despite it. Life still has purpose - one can help others, enjoy hobbies, love one’s family, etc - but one has to carry the burden of grief in one’s emotional baggage, so to speak.

cptartapp · 17/08/2022 19:58

My DF died at 54 and then my DM was killed in a car accident. I have no family on my side I ever see now. No parents at 44.
I have a lot of other positives in my life, and losing my parents so tragically has shaped my life plans for early retirement (looking good for 55 in 4 years) and live for today attitude. That's what keeps me going.

Badger1970 · 17/08/2022 19:58

My son being stillborn. I think I sleepwalked through the next few years and don't really remember that stage of DD growing up which makes me really really sad. It was a gut wrenching feeling that's really hard to explain - you wake up in the morning and everything was OK for about 30 seconds, then POW the punch hits you in the stomach when you remember. It was like carrying a permanent black cloud right over your head. In the end, I was really physically unwell and had a sort of meltdown which led to my having to confront my feelings. I deeply regret spending so long trying to hide from it. I know now that it's OK to grieve... it's OK to acknowledge that you're hurting and you never have to hide that from anyone.

I hope things get easier for you soon Flowers

Shortkiwi · 17/08/2022 19:59

My best friend of 43 years cutting me out of her life several years ago. I’m still not over it.

Iwant2move · 17/08/2022 20:01

My husband being killed. Your ability to present a ‘normal’ front increases with time.

TheGlitterFairy · 17/08/2022 20:02

@Hairobsessed123 sorry to hear this. Breaks my heart everyday and so wish he was here. Big hugs 🤗 to you too and sending strength.

Bluebells12 · 17/08/2022 20:02

Not being able to have more children.

No.

Letsbekindplease · 17/08/2022 20:03

Some/most of these replies have made me cry. ❤

swanfake · 17/08/2022 20:05

Been diagnosed with a condition that puts my life expectancy at 60. Just thought I'd get longer than that. I live with it because the alternative is I don't, and that's even less time than I would like.

Noisyhouses · 17/08/2022 20:05

When a number of friends and close family members died within a year of each other it made me realise that life isn't fair and you never know when your time will come. To make it worse they were both old and young and had all taken care of themselves throughout their lives.

Life is precious, so make the most of it while you are here.

I also realised it was important not to fear death, although that's not easy, because you never know when you time will end. Make the most of each day and be good to everyone because you never know when you can positively influence someone and the amount of time you have left to experience life and make your life valuable is short.

Fernticket · 17/08/2022 20:05

Favouritefruits · 17/08/2022 19:16

I know it’s an old cliche but time really is the best healer. You can’t stop the sadness or the heartbreak but after time things become more manageable and you learn to live with the heartbreak and it doesn’t hurt forever.

my DH cheated on me whilst I was pregnant and seven weeks before our, wedding I was devastated, there was nobody to talk to, I couldn’t cancel as my parents had spent thousands as other people had coming from our wedding abroad I’ve never got over the pain but learned to live with it without telling a living soul in RL.

im also heartbroken now as my DH works away so much, I’m at home all day and really want a job but I can’t have one as it doesn’t work with my children. I feel like I’m wasting my life just aimless everyday. I’m never going to have a career and be successful it hurts like hell knowing I’m nothing.

@Favouritefruits You are not and never will be nothing. You have the most important job on the planet being a Mum 💐.For the record the thing that made me saddest was not being able to have kids ( for a number of reasons)

FindingMeno · 17/08/2022 20:08

The tragic and sudden death of a young adult close family member.
Something changes deeply and you have to learn to live with your changed world.

maddiemookins16mum · 17/08/2022 20:11

seeing my lovely Mum take her last breath nearly 9 years ago. I’m ok, but a piece of my heart truly broke that day and I miss her so so much.

NoodleSnow · 17/08/2022 20:13

As an adult, there’s been some really rough times with bereavements, infertility etc but the hardest thing I’ve ever been through was at age 11, relocating away from my siblings, my school and basically everything I’d ever known, then relocating yet again soon after. It has had repercussions for every adult life decision I have ever made.

EarringsandLipstick · 17/08/2022 20:14

I'm so sorry to read the heartbreaking posts here. 💐 to all those experiencing loss at such a profound level

@Favouritefruits your post really affected me. I'm so sorry that your H cheated, and that you felt you had to go ahead with the wedding. I wish you could make a change for you - you are not nothing and are not wasting your life away. You are bringing up your children & one day, you will be able to pursue your own dreams.

tootiredtoocare · 17/08/2022 20:16

Mine is more of a slow burn, with peaks that stab and sting like hell. Today was a peak and sting day and I had to sit for a while (in the car on my own) and cry. My DD has significant learning disabilities and while we're doing okay most of the time, and you learn how to find the beautiful things, the shit things can be really, really shit. You develop scars, and the scars heal slowly but surely, but occasionally, they still pop open and it hurts like hell again. But with time, the pops happen a bit less. So time doesn't heal, but it does help you develop scar tissue.

@ColinRobinsonsfamiliar yep, I was 13, he was 21, and it has affected so many things. I only went to therapy about it fairly recently and understood just how much of a part of me it is, and how it is now affecting my relationship with my kids.

bluefrog11 · 17/08/2022 20:16

@Favouritefruits i could have written your post except I had a 6 month old baby & we’d been married 4 years. Still together. Same situation re career too.

I’ve pushed it down but it still hurts. You are not alone 💖

EarringsandLipstick · 17/08/2022 20:18

For me, the saddest thing has been not being able to give my DC the family life I wanted. It was a core part of me, the idea of marriage & children.

I married an abusive, immoral man who nearly destroyed me. I'm proud I got out, survived & am raising my DC well, overall.

But I feel sad for my DC, and also sad for me, the naive & trusting 20 yo I was when I met him, and the possibility of a trusting loving marriage that was denied to me.

(But I have felt so sad reading the utterly tragic posts and the enormous losses so many have experienced which are utterly devastating 💔)

WTF475878237NC · 17/08/2022 20:18

I couldn’t cancel as my parents had spent thousands as other people had coming from our wedding abroad

^ I would honestly feel like a failure as a parent if my daughter made the same mistake as you; prioritising anyone else for whatever reason in these circumstances. You should have put yourself first. It was your future husband who had wasted everyone's time and money not you. I can't believe you're still with this man and unhappy! Your life is still so sad. Do something about it!

JaceLancs · 17/08/2022 20:20

ExDH cheated on me with my best friend
the double betrayal nearly caused me to have a break down
I also was very poorly at the time and still have a life limiting health condition and other disabilities

Blossomtoes · 17/08/2022 20:21

Losing my mum. It broke me. You don’t get over it, you get used to it.

EarringsandLipstick · 17/08/2022 20:22

bluefrog11 · 17/08/2022 20:16

@Favouritefruits i could have written your post except I had a 6 month old baby & we’d been married 4 years. Still together. Same situation re career too.

I’ve pushed it down but it still hurts. You are not alone 💖

I'm so sorry.

Not an affair, but I discovered a huge betrayal 6 months into my marriage. I couldn't tell anyone. I stayed married 10 years & had 3 DC. I realised holding my 3rd baby when they were 4 months old that there was no future despite how much I had tried to convince myself. It still took 18 more months to get to a position of telling him to leave, 18 more months of utter torment & endless emotional abuse where he nearly broke me.

It is incredible & sad how many of us hold on for whatever reason, despite the wrong that's done to us