To be a surrogate

[tobelrn]

My DP and I have been together 2.5 years, my brother and his wife have been together for 11 years. For multiple reasons, they cannot have a baby naturally together.

Me and DP are very close, we always have been and I have a really lovely relationship with my sister in law.

I have always said from when they told me the news, I would be a surrogate if the time ever came. I have children from a previous relationship so I am aware what pregnancy/labour/post natal has in store. I am late 20s if it makes any difference.

Well it seems like the time is coming and we're starting to have more in depth conversations about it, and again, I have reassured them that it is absolutely something I will do if it's means they have a chance of having their own child together.

Well, DP is very unhappy about this. He thinks I'm being very selfish not taking his feelings into consideration. He thinks that while I'm pregnant, it have a massive impact on our lives.
He thinks he should get just as much say in the matter as I do, he thinks he needs to have a sit down with my brother and have "strong words" as to why it shouldn't happen and he will make it known that he does not support the idea.

I have told him he is being ludicrous, it is something I offered to them before we even knew full scale of their struggles and before I even knew DP.

DP and I both have children from previous relationships so can't possibly begin to understand the heartache DB and SIL have went through. The strain on my body being a surrogate would be no different from giving our children a sibling.

As for affecting our lives, due to us both working and having children, our lives won't be that much affected. He admitted himself that we have around 3 nights out a year and I'm really not a big drinker at all, especially compared to him, so I wouldn't miss this. And he could always have a night out with his friend group instead. My work wouldn't be that much affected either until the time of pregnancy when baby could come at any time. I also have a lovely employer who would be very accommodating to maternity leave and I would only need to take a couple of weeks after having the baby. I also have ample savings should things not quite go to plan so it's not as if I would be relying on him for financial help.

So, AIBU to go ahead and help my DB and SIL and to ignore his opinion or should I take the side of my DP and let down my brother?

I think its important to include your partner in big decisions, that could effect your health, potnetially children and (although shorter term) lifestyle. But, if I was you I would be inclined to be a surrogate for my DB over the needs of my DP especially as it was something agreed before DP was on the scene. Is there no way that they would come round to the idea with a bit more time/explanation?

I agree with your dh (to a point). It’s a massive decision and that should be made together. You get the final say but his opinion is valid. I totally get why he doesn’t want you to do it.

Sorry I think you are being unreasonable. Ultimately of course it’s your body you choice but I think you’re hugely downplaying how much this will affect him and your kids. Being a surrogate is huge; u wouldn’t even consider it unless my partner was 200% on board and supportive.

Your body your choice

Tell your 'D'P to keep his nose out

I couldn't be with someone as opinionated on something like this

Who does he think he is wanting to confront your brother about it

Have you thought about the impact on your children of having a baby to give away? You say that the strain on your body is no different than giving your children a sibling but that’s not what’s happening. It’s a lot for them to deal with. What happens if you have health complications?

Be wary OP, AIBU is very anti surrogacy so it will colour posters views on this unfortunately

If he was a long term dp and the df of your dc he should get a say... Not a bf of a couple of years. No.

What you intend to do will bring more joy to your dsis than the misery to him..
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So, AIBU to go ahead and help my DB and SIL and to ignore his opinion

Yes.

Your body your choice. Tell your 'D'P to keep his nose out

Do you seriously think that this isn't going to affect the relationship between the OP and her partner? If you do you are incredibly naive.

It doesn't matter if it will

The OPs partner is being unreasonable. He has no right to dictate what she does

He is a boyfriend of a few years. This arrangement was made before he even came onto the scene

Would the baby be your brother's biological child?

Just realised he’s a partner not a husband. Do you have children together? I’m guessing this will end up as a choice between your relationship and any potential surrogacy.

Ultimately it is your decision of course but I think in any healthy relationship it is something you would discuss with your partner at length as it's a complex issue morally and practically.

Like it or not surrogacy will impact on your life in a huge way and your DH is part of that life.

Maybe read the post properly

They don't have children together

They both have children from previous relationships

He is a boyfriend of 2 and a bit years

Wasn't even around when OP made this agreement

Does your partner want a baby with you? If so, it will be very upsetting for him to see his partner pregnant with someone else's baby.

I think at the end of the day do what you think is best. The decision could lose you your relationship though so really think about it. It may work out great for your brothers future but not yours, do what you think is right but your partner should be included in this.

You might have had smooth pregnancies before but there's no guarantee that it would be that way again. What if you had severe complications -perhaps something like hyperemesis that might leave you bedridden for weeks and months? That would definitely have a big impact on your life/work/family.

It doesn’t matter what the op offered before. It’s a HUGE deal. That’s child will be around the family forever. What matters is her situation now the possibility of surrogacy could become a reality.

If the op is only late twenties, her kids are likely to be young. That’s a lot to put them through.

I think you're going to have to choose between being a surrogate and your relationship

In your opinion

Well obviously. It’s a discussion forum. Are you new here?

I think you’re priority should be the children you already have. What happens to them if something goes wrong? If they lose their mother (which can happen. Even with modern medicine pregnancy is still very risky for women)? Do you really think they’d take any comfort in the fact that they lost their mother because she was giving their uncle a baby?

They clearly know and are settled with your partner. Up to know you’ve been happy, seemingly. If you go ahead, and as a result you split up with your partner WHILST pregnant with your brother’s baby, how destabilised are they going to be? They’ve already lived through the breakdown of their nuclear family.

The well-being of the children you chose to have should come before your brother.

as for your partner, he cannot tell you what to do with your body, but he wouldn’t be at all unreasonable to consider this a dealbreaker.

I wouldn't do it and can see your dh's concerns. Having children yourself and knowing what pregnancy and labour entail is one thing but a surrogate pregnancy is a completely separate thing altogether. My friend recently used a surrogate and it was a stressful, high risk time for everyone concerned. In surrogacy it's so different to a 'normal pregnancy' - the risks of many things are much higher such as still birth. Women are also more at risk and sadly some don't make it. In most of these tragic stories these women have their own children already and then the children are left without a mother.

Surrogacy is a huge risk plus there are ethical considerations too.

Your*

I’m afraid I agree with your DP.

Surrogacy is difficult, I once read that it’s a bit like when donor recipients’ new organs are rejected by the body because they know it’s a ‘foreign’ implant, surrogacy procedure is much the same. So risk of miscarriage is higher than a natural conception pregnancy. You are likely to be high risk too, and in pain and recovery following the birth. Are you also aware that when the child is born it’s you who has automatic parental responsibility? You will be expecting a lot of support from your DH but he won’t be getting the benefit of a baby at the end of it. I really think you should listen to him. I know it’s a controversial opinion on here but nobody is entitled to a child of their own - many people live with not being able to have their own children.

Posters on here are so disingenuous

If they cared about existing children the posts asking whether people should have a second/third/fourth child would be full of the same types of reply, but they never are

Posters need to accept they have an issue with surrogacy and stop hiding behind the very weak 'but what if you have complications'

The same could be said for anyone having additional children - but it never is.