To be a surrogate

[tobelrn]

My DP and I have been together 2.5 years, my brother and his wife have been together for 11 years. For multiple reasons, they cannot have a baby naturally together.

Me and DP are very close, we always have been and I have a really lovely relationship with my sister in law.

I have always said from when they told me the news, I would be a surrogate if the time ever came. I have children from a previous relationship so I am aware what pregnancy/labour/post natal has in store. I am late 20s if it makes any difference.

Well it seems like the time is coming and we're starting to have more in depth conversations about it, and again, I have reassured them that it is absolutely something I will do if it's means they have a chance of having their own child together.

Well, DP is very unhappy about this. He thinks I'm being very selfish not taking his feelings into consideration. He thinks that while I'm pregnant, it have a massive impact on our lives.
He thinks he should get just as much say in the matter as I do, he thinks he needs to have a sit down with my brother and have "strong words" as to why it shouldn't happen and he will make it known that he does not support the idea.

I have told him he is being ludicrous, it is something I offered to them before we even knew full scale of their struggles and before I even knew DP.

DP and I both have children from previous relationships so can't possibly begin to understand the heartache DB and SIL have went through. The strain on my body being a surrogate would be no different from giving our children a sibling.

As for affecting our lives, due to us both working and having children, our lives won't be that much affected. He admitted himself that we have around 3 nights out a year and I'm really not a big drinker at all, especially compared to him, so I wouldn't miss this. And he could always have a night out with his friend group instead. My work wouldn't be that much affected either until the time of pregnancy when baby could come at any time. I also have a lovely employer who would be very accommodating to maternity leave and I would only need to take a couple of weeks after having the baby. I also have ample savings should things not quite go to plan so it's not as if I would be relying on him for financial help.

So, AIBU to go ahead and help my DB and SIL and to ignore his opinion or should I take the side of my DP and let down my brother?

It’s a wonderful thing to do for someone.

I understand your DP’s concerns that it would affect his life, yes it would be a little inconvenient to him. He’s being startlingly selfish though, it’s a small inconvenience to him, but life changing for the parents-to-be.

My biggest concern is that your DP seems to think he gets a vote / a voice in the conversation with the parents-to-be. This is your decision. DP can tell you how he feels, and advise against it, but if you decide to do it he should try to help you in your choice, just as he should with any other choice you may make.

I bet it’s something stupid about him not wanting another man’s baby inside you 🙄

How many children have you given birth to @tobelrn ?

Do you want children with your DP?

Does he?

Honestly I wouldn’t if your partner isn’t on board but I’d also be pissed off at the “having words” etc. is he normally like that or has this really joltedhim?

I think this is a great post.

I'm not a fan of surrogacy in general but feel less strongly about family surrogace but if you do this, please get some proper counselling/whatever before making the decision. Not "its a wonderful thing you are doing" counselling but a proper deep look at all the possible consequences - including the physical effects on you and the psycological effects on you and your children. I was a perfectly healthy woman in my late 20s and I came very very close to dying in childbirth. My recovery took at least 3 months. I knew a woman who died giving birth to her fourth child - every other delivery perfectly standard. it is rare but it is still in the risk profile. pregnancy and childbirth are not risk free. What happens if the baby has issues? Are you ok if they ask you to terminate? What if you want to terminate because circumstances drastically change - are they ok with that? What if the baby is born with significant issues? how will that affect your relationship. how will you explain it to your children. How will you feel if you end up with pre-eclampsia or incontinence or any of the other many things that are risks - no not definites - but still risks.

I don't think you and your brother and his wife sitting down and chatting will really get to all of the issues that might arise - you need someone with some expertise.

@CanIbeAlonepls you have literally put what I was going to. @tobelrn you must have had so many heartbreaking chats with your db and sil over the years regarding their infertility you can't let them down because your bf of 2 years doesn't like it . Not his body and tbh I don't like the fact he intends to speak to your brother about it - so out of order !

Posters lining up on here to say 'what about your existing children' never do the same on 'should I have another baby' threads

Oh yes they do. I have seen this quoted on many of those threads.

Don't do it. You aren't rent-a-womb.

It’s naive to believe every pregnancy is equal. Your body will be massively impacted as will your life for several years. I’m assuming you would attempt ivf. Would you risk multiples?

The well-being of the children you chose to have should come before your brother.

And so should your marriage.

Relationship, not marriage sorry.

Of course the op can let them down. She can change her mind for any reason she chooses. Of course that could be devastating news but this absolutely isn’t a decision that can be set in stone years before without any further consideration.

The impact on a serious relationship is a totally valid reason to change her mind about the surrogacy offer.

I think it's worth remembering that pre eclampsia is more common if the egg is not your own.

You might find the article below interesting. It's by a woman who was an altruistic surrogate for her brother.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/apr/27/secret-diary-of-a-surrogate-mother

Of course your DP doesn’t get a say in what you do with your body. But I think you’re being very naive to think a pregnancy won’t impact him at all. You’ll be growing and carrying a whole person. You’ll be tired, grumpy and possibly sick for months. Then that’ll improve (hopefully!) just in time for you to get massive and not be able to do many of the things you normally can. Your sleep will be affected. Your sex life will be affected. Your ability to look after your own kids and house will be limited. Of course people do it, all the time, sometimes alone, but if you have a DP (do you live together?), they’d usually pick up at least some of the chores to help you out. If he didn’t, he would be a massive arsehole. If he did- he’s being affected. It’ll affect the things you can and things you want to do. You could be too tired for dates, too sick for meals, too big for long walks. Then the birth comes and he has to know you’re going through all that and he isn’t there. You could have hospital stays, stitches, bleeding, prolapses. Birth can take months to recover from. There’s no sex for 6 weeks (and that’s if it all goes well!) and afterwards your body is changed forever. Not his body, not his choice, but he’s allowed to be against it. He’s allowed his opinion and he’s allowed to leave before during or after the pregnancy if he doesn’t like what’s happening. He could walk away at any time and I'm not sure many people would blame him.

His ex may have been a nightmare when pregnant. Had PND. Struggled after the births. Been on bedrest. Maybe he can’t face it again. Or maybe he could if it was your baby (his and yours) but he can’t face it all again for someone else.

Of course none of that matters as it is your body and 100% your choice but it’s silly to say your pregnancy won’t affect your partner, because it will, in so many ways. Make your own choice but it’s likely to be choosing between being a surrogate or having your partner… x

Your DP is reasonable to have an opinion, and is reasonable to say it will affect him - of course it will. He would also be reasonable to end the relationship, in the sense that anyone can end a relationship whenever they want. He's massively unreasonable to say he is going to sit down with your brother (so the two men can sort it out between themselves and let you know what they decide??), and to say he has equal say in the decision. But it's a big thing, it's not realistic to expect him to not have any opinion on it.

The other thing in your post which stood out to me was you saying you have your own savings to use if necessary. If it were me, I'd expect my brother to cover reasonable costs - maternity clothes, lost earnings for sickness and maternity leave etc.

What do you think of all the replies @tobelrn ?

Nobody has a right to decide what you do with your body, not your partner nor your brother. You are entitled to change your mind and you are equally entitled to go ahead.

Your partner’s attitude is controlling. However, I do think you are being naive in not acknowledging the huge impact this will have on your family. I am not saying don’t go ahead but do consider it and then you can look for ways to
mitigate it. 🙂

As a side note, there is no way you should need to resort to using your savings. Your brother should be ensuring your financial security, for
example if you had a life changing pregnancy or birth complication that means your capacity to work is reduced.

The risks associated with donor eggs are conflated with the fact most recipients of donor eggs are older women

The studies into this done mitigate for age unfortunately

I think it’s absolutely crazy that you think your partner shouldn’t have an opinion here.

If you’re adamant that you’re going to do it, that’s up to you. But he has every right to comment on it- this will affect his life too.

So generous, and yet actually quite selfish at the same time.

Why would you intentionally create a baby, only to remove it from the only mother it knows as soon as it's born? It doesn't care about biology, to that baby the woman that carried it is is mother... it recognises her voice, taste, smell, heartbeat and that baby only wants HER. Surrogacy is people trafficking. I don't care if it's voluntary, paid etc. you don't get to just " give away" people Willy nilly. It's just horrendous.

I would say you're not being unreasonable but as with any choice he gets to decide whether he wants to be around for it.

However, him wanting a "strong word " with your brother is a massive overstep.

This is a discussion about your body and what you do with it. He can have an opinion within the relationship but he has zero right to impose it or to strong arm other people.

I was going to say the same thing. Not only have I seen it said on here, but many of my friends in real life have mentioned it as a reason for not trying for further children. It's also a significant reason that I chose not to 'roll the dice again' - because I wouldn't want to risk my existing children being left without a mother (or a mother who was severely disabled).

This sums up so well exactly why I’m anti-surrogacy. It’s all about the bio parents and no one ever considers the impact on the baby. Separation anxiety may not be obvious in new norms but it’s very real and that baby is very much expecting the person who carried them to be their mother.

I have researched this topic excessively and I only know of ONE family who got it ‘right’. My friend was a surrogate for her sister. They all had a really healthy attitude towards it whereby my friend was centered, and then both her and the baby when he was born. My friend went to antenatal appointments alone, made decisions about the birth alone, her sister and BIL were not at the birth (my friend had her wife with her), they called them afterwards and they came at visiting time. Then my friend breastfeed and stayed in their home for about 2 months so they could gradually transition the baby to his bio parents and also onto formula. A very slow, steady process and now she’s a doting Aunty and they have told the little boy (IIRC he’s 6 now) all about it from the off. When she lived with them they gave her space and respect and topped her wages up as she took 3 month maternity leave etc. it’s basically the best way to do surrogacy - but I bet similar stories are negligible

I'm also baffled by people saying the DP doesn't get a say. It affects him, their life, and their existing children. I'm not saying his opinion is more important than OP's in any way, but he is entitled to have one.

Don't know whether this is the case, but I could imagine the suggestion of talking to the DB coming from a feeling of panic that he's not having his concerns heard.

That's just callous, when there are other people massively affected. A stupid and ignorant comment - do you have people you can about, or are is it just 'fuck them' when you decide stuff?

I think your partner does get a say if you see a future with him. It will affect him too. You don’t know how the pregnancy will go of how you will feel giving away the child. It’s also dreadfully unfair to create a baby that’s intended to be taken from their mum and you are their mum, the one that carried them. It’s never in the best interests of the child, only adults, but no one has a right to have a child. You may think it’s kind but I don’t think it is.