To be a surrogate

[tobelrn]

My DP and I have been together 2.5 years, my brother and his wife have been together for 11 years. For multiple reasons, they cannot have a baby naturally together.

Me and DP are very close, we always have been and I have a really lovely relationship with my sister in law.

I have always said from when they told me the news, I would be a surrogate if the time ever came. I have children from a previous relationship so I am aware what pregnancy/labour/post natal has in store. I am late 20s if it makes any difference.

Well it seems like the time is coming and we're starting to have more in depth conversations about it, and again, I have reassured them that it is absolutely something I will do if it's means they have a chance of having their own child together.

Well, DP is very unhappy about this. He thinks I'm being very selfish not taking his feelings into consideration. He thinks that while I'm pregnant, it have a massive impact on our lives.
He thinks he should get just as much say in the matter as I do, he thinks he needs to have a sit down with my brother and have "strong words" as to why it shouldn't happen and he will make it known that he does not support the idea.

I have told him he is being ludicrous, it is something I offered to them before we even knew full scale of their struggles and before I even knew DP.

DP and I both have children from previous relationships so can't possibly begin to understand the heartache DB and SIL have went through. The strain on my body being a surrogate would be no different from giving our children a sibling.

As for affecting our lives, due to us both working and having children, our lives won't be that much affected. He admitted himself that we have around 3 nights out a year and I'm really not a big drinker at all, especially compared to him, so I wouldn't miss this. And he could always have a night out with his friend group instead. My work wouldn't be that much affected either until the time of pregnancy when baby could come at any time. I also have a lovely employer who would be very accommodating to maternity leave and I would only need to take a couple of weeks after having the baby. I also have ample savings should things not quite go to plan so it's not as if I would be relying on him for financial help.

So, AIBU to go ahead and help my DB and SIL and to ignore his opinion or should I take the side of my DP and let down my brother?

Hard one but my fuck off radar immediately went up when he said it should be equally his decision. He doesn't own your body. Yes listen to him and tell him you're taking his concerns on board by all means but is it fuck equally his decision. You aren't property.

You made this decision before you even met him, did he know about it from early on in your relationship? If so he doesn't really have any business kicking off about it now.

And no I don't think it's right for him to "sit down and have serious words" with your brother. You are a grown woman. Yes he is fine to have concerns and they may be very valid, he would be entitled to leave the relationship if he thinks it's that big of a deal-breaker for him and I'd respect that decision but you aren't a child. He doesn't need to sit down with anyone to discuss YOUR decision about YOUR body as if you're incapable of making it yourself.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you why you shouldn't do X and Y or to think of your children. This thread isn't about anyone's personal views about surrogacy.

You're an adult OP. You can make your own decisions about what to do in this situation, your partner should not be insisting he has equal say or sitting anyone down to discuss you like a naughty child.

So a long term relationship, it's not controling to not want your partner to be a surrogate . It's not controling to say you won't support it. It is not wrong to feel very strongly against surrogacy.

Another point I don't think has been mentioned is being a surrogate can cause arguments and tensions between the surrogate and intended parents. This happened with my friend - the surrogate did something my friend deemed unsafe and it created drama.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

It's incredibly controlling for a boyfriend of 2 and a bit years to think he has any say over what OP does with her body

To then want to have it out with the brother is on a whole other level of aggressive controlling behaviour.

I don't think having concerns or feeling unable to support it is controlling.

But acting or stating that it's equally your say and you're going to sit the other party down to have serious words with them about it as if OP isn't a capable adult making a decision for herself about HER OWN body is controlling.

Yes true so unless you are 110% sure that they will sit back, trust you and let you do your pregnancy own your own terms - and will also see it as YOUR pregnancy, YOUR birth, not theirs - then it can very easily break down even between loving siblings

Maybe Google the Ogbole sister in laws surrogacy story as a cautionary tale of exactly the kind of thing that can happen even when you feel surrogacy as an altruistic act is a good thing.
www.premiumtimesng.com/regional/ssouth-west/455958-how-belgian-hospital-mistakenly-amputated-cervix-paralysed-two-nigerian-women.html

@whumpthereitis what are you on about?

You're just a bit of an oddball

Seem to have it out for many posters across multiple threads

OP, your dp is entitled to his opinion just as much as you are. This is a massive thing you're suggesting. If you’re insistent on going ahead with it, you have to be realistic and know your dp will probably leave.
You seem to think this is only going to be a positive experience. Its not - there are many negatives too. Do your research - and I don’t mean reading only from US websites that promote surrogacy (which is a commercial enterprise in the US) but from women who have been through it.

Out of curiosity why would you need to use your own savings in the event that this pregnancy impacts your ability to earn money? Surely your brother will provide all the ongoing financial assistance required to the “mother” of his child in the event of short or longer term complications?

It is your body and your choice. If it's something you really want to do for your brother. Go for it. But if you want to be in a relationship with your bf you need to be somewhat own the same page with him. Talk with him what he's worried about and why he is against it. It might come down to a decision between relationship and surrogacy.

But I also think it's naive to think it will have very minimal effect on him. It can't really hw just your project. Will you really be ok if he doesn't do anything regarding the pregnancy? Him not taking any extra responsibility at home? Not assisting with anything? If you are too big/uncomfortable/bedrest/craving you will handle all of it with your brother? If you're unable to take your kids to school will your brother come and do that?

It's quite incredible that you are willing to do this. But based on the info it's quite unfair to dismiss your partners feelings.

This is about a poorly run hospital in Belgium, this hospital had caused multiple errors in care. The lady being a surrogate has no impact on the wider issue.

The lengths people go to on here sometimes is amazing.

Until of course you get banned under this username as well

My comment got deleted I'm assuming for troll hunting but I've reported. Defo the same annoying poster from last time and detracts from having a meaningful discussion for the OP.

Sorry for the derail!

This is true.

And what if you have to go on maternity leave early? Who is going to make up for the shortfall if for whatever reason you have to leave at 26 weeks?

The OP only mentioned they couldn't have a baby naturally so I don't see that my question was unreasonable, just wondered why surrogacy was the only option to them.

Maybe he feels weird that you would be pregnant by your db...
Just a thought not my thinking.

This is what I'd bet my money on it being

If this is something you seriously want to do OP then the decision is really yours. You will be creating a new member of your birth family and contributing to your brother and sil’s future happiness.
How would you feel if you split with your DP when it was too late to be a surrogate?
Whatare his true motives — is he worried about what others might think, that he doesn’t fancy pregnant women, that he will be deprived of sex?
He presumably hasn’t committed to marrying you or planning on having a family with you.
Is he jealous of your closeness with your brother? What are his relationships like with his siblings and family members?
Good luck

I agree.

And that's fine but it's not up to you or to her partner what OP chooses to do. We can all have an opinion but the decision is NOT equally his nor is it his to try and persuade her brother not to go ahead if OP wants to. She is a grown up for goodness sake, not a naughty kid needing to be discussed by the grown ups.

If you needed a c section it would be at around 6 weeks before you could work and drive. A good possibility that for a week or so you won’t be able to get up out of bee without assistance, who would look after you and your children during this time? I’m guessing your DP would either need to use holiday or unpaid leave.

@PollyRockets I choose not to have a 3rd after been high risk in labour for my 2nd.

Think about a scenario where potentially you could be alone. Your partner has made it clear he's not happy so could leave and what happens if relations break down with your brother after the baby is born ? (very common)