To be a surrogate

[tobelrn]

My DP and I have been together 2.5 years, my brother and his wife have been together for 11 years. For multiple reasons, they cannot have a baby naturally together.

Me and DP are very close, we always have been and I have a really lovely relationship with my sister in law.

I have always said from when they told me the news, I would be a surrogate if the time ever came. I have children from a previous relationship so I am aware what pregnancy/labour/post natal has in store. I am late 20s if it makes any difference.

Well it seems like the time is coming and we're starting to have more in depth conversations about it, and again, I have reassured them that it is absolutely something I will do if it's means they have a chance of having their own child together.

Well, DP is very unhappy about this. He thinks I'm being very selfish not taking his feelings into consideration. He thinks that while I'm pregnant, it have a massive impact on our lives.
He thinks he should get just as much say in the matter as I do, he thinks he needs to have a sit down with my brother and have "strong words" as to why it shouldn't happen and he will make it known that he does not support the idea.

I have told him he is being ludicrous, it is something I offered to them before we even knew full scale of their struggles and before I even knew DP.

DP and I both have children from previous relationships so can't possibly begin to understand the heartache DB and SIL have went through. The strain on my body being a surrogate would be no different from giving our children a sibling.

As for affecting our lives, due to us both working and having children, our lives won't be that much affected. He admitted himself that we have around 3 nights out a year and I'm really not a big drinker at all, especially compared to him, so I wouldn't miss this. And he could always have a night out with his friend group instead. My work wouldn't be that much affected either until the time of pregnancy when baby could come at any time. I also have a lovely employer who would be very accommodating to maternity leave and I would only need to take a couple of weeks after having the baby. I also have ample savings should things not quite go to plan so it's not as if I would be relying on him for financial help.

So, AIBU to go ahead and help my DB and SIL and to ignore his opinion or should I take the side of my DP and let down my brother?

He doesn't have the right to dictate what you should do with your own body, nor does he have the right to interfere in your relationships with your wider family.

He does have the right to decide that he doesn't want to stay with a partner who chooses to act as a surrogate. It might turn out to be a dealbreaker for him, and that's fair enough. You can't dictate how he should feel about your choices.

What it comes down to, ultimately, is which relationship you want to prioritise. If it comes to it, are you prepared to sacrifice the relationship that you have with your DP in order to help your brother and SIL? There is no right or wrong answer here - only what is right or wrong for you personally.

I'm a little unclear on what he thinks the negative impact "on your lives" would be. If it's just inconvenience, not being able to drink, him having to pull his weight a bit more for 9 months I would consider my future with him regardless, as that sounds pretty selfish.

If he has genuine worries about your health/ wellbeing it's maybe different.

Of course he can have an opinion like anyone here can too. But it's not equally his say when we're talking about someone else's body. Ultimately the decision is OPs and the decision he has the right to make is whether to stay or not.

I don't think he has any right to have strong words with her brother. That just feels like infantilising OP as if she can't make the "right" decision for herself so he needs to step in. It's OPs body and OPs brother.

I get where you're coming from. I'm not saying it's equally his say, just that I'm shocked at people saying he gets no say at all. If it were me, I'd want to know what my partner thought, because I love and care about him. If I made a decision that I knew would hurt him, that would be a problem for me. So I don't think it should be as simple as "I do what I want, and you can decide whether to leave me or not".

Re. having words with the brother, I completely agree it's not the best idea, I'm just saying that I think I can see how it could have happened - if he feels that his concerns are not being listened to.

I'm generally anti surrogacy- it's usually an abuse of power, involving a sense of entitlement over another woman's body.

However in this case, you sound really close to the couple.

There are a few things to consider, some of which your DP *should be part of:
What will the ongoing relationship with the baby and your family be?
What if you become ill or are injured- how your earnings, your children will be impacted.
Do you and the parents agree with how you live during the pregnancy- will they be policing the brie!

Some of this your DP is involved in, some of it he may feel protective of you about.

However what you've said sounds more like he feels his assest (your body) is being loaned out without his agreement, and that sense of ownership is not acceptable in a relationship. I'd end it on that basis.

What are his fears exactly? Is he unhappy about picking up some slack whilst you are pregnant? Something going wrong? Health reasons?
The truth is it, would impact on your lives together for a while so he would have to be on board. If his reasoning against it is from a selfish ‘I want my life as it is’ standpoint, I would tell him to feck off.
I have a friend who did three surrogacies for people. I think she is a very strong, caring, magical person and I am in awe of her.
It took her longer than a couple of weeks to recover afterwards though, don’t sugarcoat recovery because you want to do this, think realistically about all the things that could happen

I do get what you're saying but realistically he doesn't get a say. It's her body. He doesn't have a say over what she does with it. Of course that may mean OP needs to decide whether she wants to prioritise her partner or her brother and SIL but no, he doesn't get a say over her doing this or not.

As you say, in a relationship I'd expect to listen to my partner's concerns about something like this and discuss them with him but ultimately he wouldn't have a say over whether I went ahead or not because we're talking about my own body. You can't get more personal that that really.

I could tell my husband I was going to get a skull tattooed on my face tomorrow and I'm sure he'd have oppositions! But he wouldn't get to have a SAY over whether I do it or not. He'd voice his objections I'm sure but ultimately the say is mine not his because it's my face. Now that could lead to the end of my marriage, which is possibly what the OP may have to deal with but it's still my say not his.

I guess he could say "it's your body, and you can do what you like with it, but don't expect me to support you"

Gee, I can't imagine why...

I'll just leave this here: nordicmodelnow.org/2020/01/29/i-was-an-altruistic-surrogate-and-am-now-against-all-surrogacy/

I think I know. One post on a very very contentious topic? Not come back?

Except surrogate pregnancies are higher risk. And thats relevant.

What happens if the OP is disables or dies? If in a relationship, when you agree to get pregnant there is a natural person to pick up the pieces.

In this situation its less clear. Say the OP was unable to work, then who covers the financial hardship? The partner living with her or the brother?

Its one thing to lose a mother having a sibling. Its a bit different to lose one to an uncle. And then them maybe ending up taking custody of the OPs children.

Its very much more complex.

This excerpt from @CliantheLang li k sums up why all surrogacy should be banned:

”The potential for abuse is too great. Women should not be encouraged to endanger their emotional and physical health and safety for other people’s ‘need’ to have babies. Women matter. Women should not be encouraged to put ourselves second, and to risk our lives for other people.”