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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a surrogate

137 replies

tobelrn · 16/08/2022 21:05

My DP and I have been together 2.5 years, my brother and his wife have been together for 11 years. For multiple reasons, they cannot have a baby naturally together.

Me and DP are very close, we always have been and I have a really lovely relationship with my sister in law.

I have always said from when they told me the news, I would be a surrogate if the time ever came. I have children from a previous relationship so I am aware what pregnancy/labour/post natal has in store. I am late 20s if it makes any difference.

Well it seems like the time is coming and we're starting to have more in depth conversations about it, and again, I have reassured them that it is absolutely something I will do if it's means they have a chance of having their own child together.

Well, DP is very unhappy about this. He thinks I'm being very selfish not taking his feelings into consideration. He thinks that while I'm pregnant, it have a massive impact on our lives.
He thinks he should get just as much say in the matter as I do, he thinks he needs to have a sit down with my brother and have "strong words" as to why it shouldn't happen and he will make it known that he does not support the idea.

I have told him he is being ludicrous, it is something I offered to them before we even knew full scale of their struggles and before I even knew DP.

DP and I both have children from previous relationships so can't possibly begin to understand the heartache DB and SIL have went through. The strain on my body being a surrogate would be no different from giving our children a sibling.

As for affecting our lives, due to us both working and having children, our lives won't be that much affected. He admitted himself that we have around 3 nights out a year and I'm really not a big drinker at all, especially compared to him, so I wouldn't miss this. And he could always have a night out with his friend group instead. My work wouldn't be that much affected either until the time of pregnancy when baby could come at any time. I also have a lovely employer who would be very accommodating to maternity leave and I would only need to take a couple of weeks after having the baby. I also have ample savings should things not quite go to plan so it's not as if I would be relying on him for financial help.

So, AIBU to go ahead and help my DB and SIL and to ignore his opinion or should I take the side of my DP and let down my brother?

OP posts:
yonce · 16/08/2022 22:01

Ooo this is a tough one. Personally I do think you should consider your DP, having a pregnant partner and having to support that (if you're ill, need help about the house, can't do the usual things, need support with your DC) is a tough decision. It will have an impact on his life, his partner will be pregnant (with a baby that isn't his!) and that's something that does concern the both of you.

I don't think him sitting your brother down to have strong words is perhaps the best reaction to be honest, but I can see how the charged emotion in this sort of situation can warp peoples behaviour.

It would be a lovely thing to do, but will impact your DP, your children and of course you. It's silly to pretend otherwise I think, and it could genuinely end the relationship.

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 22:02

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 16/08/2022 22:00

I’m afraid I agree with your DP.

Surrogacy is difficult, I once read that it’s a bit like when donor recipients’ new organs are rejected by the body because they know it’s a ‘foreign’ implant, surrogacy procedure is much the same. So risk of miscarriage is higher than a natural conception pregnancy. You are likely to be high risk too, and in pain and recovery following the birth. Are you also aware that when the child is born it’s you who has automatic parental responsibility? You will be expecting a lot of support from your DH but he won’t be getting the benefit of a baby at the end of it. I really think you should listen to him. I know it’s a controversial opinion on here but nobody is entitled to a child of their own - many people live with not being able to have their own children.

Would like to see the data on your claims tbh

Many women conceive via IVF using donor eggs and sperm. Those embryos aren't rejected any more so than with 'regular' IVF as the success rates are the same

bakewellbride · 16/08/2022 22:02

In case you're curious my friend who used the surrogate did have a healthy baby but the surrogate had a very traumatic birth and an emergency c-section. By some miracle she managed to hide the pregnancy from her own 2 young children which is one thing no one else on this thread seems to have picked up on as an option.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 16/08/2022 22:03

PurpleDaisies · 16/08/2022 21:46

Have you thought about the impact on your children of having a baby to give away? You say that the strain on your body is no different than giving your children a sibling but that’s not what’s happening. It’s a lot for them to deal with. What happens if you have health complications?

This would be reason enough for me not to do it.

Imagine having serious complications and your DC have a seriously unwell (or heaven forbid, dead) mother. Children don’t cope well when focus is taken off them and they may not be as happy as you hope they will be for you

Georgeskitchen · 16/08/2022 22:06

How will it work? By brothers sperm and SILs egg? Or a donor egg?

TheUsualChaos · 16/08/2022 22:07

Isn't IVF an option for them?

Personally, I can understand your DP's reservations. Surrogacy is everything to gain for the intended parents and potentially a lot to lose for the surrogate. It just doesn't sit well with me that anyone would be happy for a woman to take such a huge potential risk to their physical and mental health for them.

It's your choice in the end but DP is entitled to his opinion. I think you are being a bit dismissive in saying the pregnancy won't change much for you. Of course it will. You'll be tired (first trimester tiredness can be horrendous), possibly lots of morning sickness in early stages, hormonal, uncomfortable as you reach full term. Risk of things like SPD and birth injury.
I think you went ahead you would have to live with the fact it is likely to seriously impact your relationship and the relationship between DP and your DB and SIL.

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 22:08

@TheUsualChaos

Do you honestly think people go straight to surrogacy without exploring IVF?

WhackingPhoenix · 16/08/2022 22:09

At the end of the day, your brother is there for life and you want to do this for him because you love him so much, and I think you are wonderful for that.

Your DP is a boyfriend of a couple of years and he doesn’t want you to help your brother in the way you want to. With your own body.

If you want to do it, go for it, but I don’t expect your DP will stick around. If you don’t, you’ll resent him for it anyway and get the ick.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/08/2022 22:11

Don't even think about it. There are already problems and you're only half thinking about it. Listen to your DP.

BrokeAsABone · 16/08/2022 22:11

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 21:47

Be wary OP, AIBU is very anti surrogacy so it will colour posters views on this unfortunately

Hang on....can you please stop talking like Owen Jones?

Women are anti surrogacy for many good, well thought out reasons so kindly refrain from implying we are prejudiced and hard of thinking. Thanks in advance.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 16/08/2022 22:11

Massive number of issues here.

How will your children feel?
How will your partner feel ?
Who is going to pick up the slack if you're struggling with morning sickness?
Who is going to pick up the slack when you're near the end and on your knees due to feeling uncomfortable, in pain and needing your existing children to be sorted?

Dare I even mention handing your baby over to them?

You need to discuss this as a family, primarily and with a support group too.

Not sure that this is the place to discuss these issues.

Supersee · 16/08/2022 22:11

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RunningFromInsanity · 16/08/2022 22:12

MN is very anti surrogacy but I would do it in a heartbeat for my sister.
Talk through your DPs reservations and hopefully you can calm any worries he has.

BrokeAsABone · 16/08/2022 22:12

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 22:08

@TheUsualChaos

Do you honestly think people go straight to surrogacy without exploring IVF?

Why don't you ask Tom Daly?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/08/2022 22:12

I think you both need to actually sit down and listen to each others concerns, actually really listen.

He needs to understand how much this means to you and the potential affect on your relationship with your family if you dont go through with it. He needs to understand that he doesn't get a say over your body and that the ultimate decision is yours.

You really need to listen to his concerns. We all know people who have had a couple of easy pregnancies then a difficult one especially if they are older/ busier / already have children, or if it turned out to be twins or something. Presumably it would be him that has to pick up the slack if you had to take time off work sick or start maternity leave early, or were too knackered to do much in the house, and what would happen with your kids if you were too wiped out to look after your kids (or his if you normally help out). You might find the emotional side much harder if you have to give the baby away. If the baby turned out to he disabled and / or the parents changed their mind, it would be you having to look after it. These are all things that people do willingly when they are having a baby, but he isnt having a baby and doesnt want you to do it, so I think its understandable that he may not want to support you. Just saying 'it was fine last time so it will be fine this time' is not really addressing his concerns and if it was me, wouldnt allay my fears.

DreamToNightmare · 16/08/2022 22:12

I wouldn’t be letting a relatively short term partner dictate to me what I could and couldn’t do if it was something as incredibly important as this.

Who does he think he is threatening to ‘talk’ to your brother?!

YANBU at all - if you truly want to do this for your brother then don’t let your partner stop you.

Well, he can’t actually stop you anyway, it’s completely your choice. And if he wants to end the relationship because of it, well then that’s on him.

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 22:14

@BrokeAsABone

What a ridiculous comment

In this case it's a male and female partner

Clinics will go through all viable options before IVF. Mainly as the costs for Surrogacy IVF is much higher

whumpthereitis · 16/08/2022 22:14

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It’s not even subtle.

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 22:14

@BrokeAsABone

Considering you've proven your hard of thinking already on this thread I'll continue to post how I like thanks!

Ducksallovertheplace · 16/08/2022 22:16

I’m anti surrogacy full stop so from your dp’s perspective this would be a deal breaker. I think all forms of surrogacy are morally abhorrent and don’t subscribe to this fluffy “what a wonderful gift you are giving out of love and kindness” bullshit. Breeding babies to give away free to loving homes like they’re dogs should be illegal.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/08/2022 22:16

Who does he think he is threatening to ‘talk’ to your brother?!

Someone who is concerned about the welfare of his loved one?Someone who is panicked as he can see the potential issues?
I wouldn't want my Dh to father someone else's child and that's with no effect on his body at all as he wouldn't be carrying it.

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 22:17

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 16/08/2022 22:16

Who does he think he is threatening to ‘talk’ to your brother?!

Someone who is concerned about the welfare of his loved one?Someone who is panicked as he can see the potential issues?
I wouldn't want my Dh to father someone else's child and that's with no effect on his body at all as he wouldn't be carrying it.

He is a boyfriend of 2 and a bit years

This is controlling behaviour

Soapboxqueen · 16/08/2022 22:17

It's ultimately your choice but I think you are kidding yourself if you think it won't affect your partner.

The process will start well before you being pregnant. Of the friends I know of who've been through IVF they describe it as grueling. You may not get pregnant straight away so the whole thing will be protracted.

You may have an easy pregnancy but even that won't leave you completely unaffected or you may develop other conditions which put you on bed rest or in hospital.

You may need a cesarean which is major surgery. Weeks of recovery.

These things not only will have a great impact on you but will affect your partner. It's silly to think it wouldn't.

Be realistic, make your own decision but be prepared that this could be a deal breaker for your partner.

BrokeAsABone · 16/08/2022 22:19

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 22:14

@BrokeAsABone

Considering you've proven your hard of thinking already on this thread I'll continue to post how I like thanks!

😂😂 How sweet.What a wonderful advertisement for altruism you are! Please continue...I'm sure people will be rushing to be surrogates now they see the kind of ally they will have.🙄

Orangio · 16/08/2022 22:19

Financially, your DB should cover any expenses you incur, including being on lower pay due to mat leave or preg complications etc, for as long as necessary. They should also help out practically with meals and childcare etc if pregnancy sickness affects you. Basically they need to take on as much of the inconvenience as possible. I would actually sign something to this effect so everyone knows where they are. I would also put in it that they agree to raise the child no matter what disabilities or conditions it may have, or if it's twins, etc etc. Discuss every possible outcome and get everything written down. As well as protecting you and your DB, that should also alleviate some of your partners concerns. Also agree what would happen to your children if you were to die or suffer lasting complications from childbirth.

Surrogacy for a sibling is a very different kettle of fish to other types of surrogacy. Your partner has valid concerns but (assuming none of your children are joint children) he should only offer support and advice, not make the decision for you.