Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be a surrogate

137 replies

tobelrn · 16/08/2022 21:05

My DP and I have been together 2.5 years, my brother and his wife have been together for 11 years. For multiple reasons, they cannot have a baby naturally together.

Me and DP are very close, we always have been and I have a really lovely relationship with my sister in law.

I have always said from when they told me the news, I would be a surrogate if the time ever came. I have children from a previous relationship so I am aware what pregnancy/labour/post natal has in store. I am late 20s if it makes any difference.

Well it seems like the time is coming and we're starting to have more in depth conversations about it, and again, I have reassured them that it is absolutely something I will do if it's means they have a chance of having their own child together.

Well, DP is very unhappy about this. He thinks I'm being very selfish not taking his feelings into consideration. He thinks that while I'm pregnant, it have a massive impact on our lives.
He thinks he should get just as much say in the matter as I do, he thinks he needs to have a sit down with my brother and have "strong words" as to why it shouldn't happen and he will make it known that he does not support the idea.

I have told him he is being ludicrous, it is something I offered to them before we even knew full scale of their struggles and before I even knew DP.

DP and I both have children from previous relationships so can't possibly begin to understand the heartache DB and SIL have went through. The strain on my body being a surrogate would be no different from giving our children a sibling.

As for affecting our lives, due to us both working and having children, our lives won't be that much affected. He admitted himself that we have around 3 nights out a year and I'm really not a big drinker at all, especially compared to him, so I wouldn't miss this. And he could always have a night out with his friend group instead. My work wouldn't be that much affected either until the time of pregnancy when baby could come at any time. I also have a lovely employer who would be very accommodating to maternity leave and I would only need to take a couple of weeks after having the baby. I also have ample savings should things not quite go to plan so it's not as if I would be relying on him for financial help.

So, AIBU to go ahead and help my DB and SIL and to ignore his opinion or should I take the side of my DP and let down my brother?

OP posts:
CrossStichQueen · 16/08/2022 22:34

And that's fine but it's not up to you or to her partner what OP chooses to do

Where in my post did I say it was up to me?

The OP has asked for opinions. Are yours the only ones allowed Can?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 16/08/2022 22:35

Ultimately it’s OP’s body and choice but equally her DP has a right for this to be his deal breaker. So it’s time for OP to consider what matters the most to her.

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 22:36

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 16/08/2022 22:33

If you needed a c section it would be at around 6 weeks before you could work and drive. A good possibility that for a week or so you won’t be able to get up out of bee without assistance, who would look after you and your children during this time? I’m guessing your DP would either need to use holiday or unpaid leave.

@PollyRockets I choose not to have a 3rd after been high risk in labour for my 2nd.

And that's a valid decision to make for yourself

Posters lining up on here to say 'what about your existing children' never do the same on 'should I have another baby' threads

Hence it's disingenuous

And your comments around c-sections although true in some cases certainly aren't universal truths. Posters on here just the other day saying they were back at work at 2-3 weeks, I myself was up doing my normal daily tasks 2 days post section. Yes on the driving front but for many that isn't a barrier either.

CanIbeAlonepls · 16/08/2022 22:37

I don't get why everyone's going on about their opinions on surrogacy or the potential complications. OP didn't ask you for them.

She asked if her partner was unreasonable for saying it's equally his say (which surely no one can think is reasonable) and that he was going to sit her brother down to have serious words about a grown womans decision about her own woman (again, not reasonable no matter your opinion on surrogacy).

If OP wants to do this she of course may need to accept this is the end of her relationship but it's certainly not equally her partner's decision nor does he have any right to have serious words with her brother. This is between OP and her brother ultimately. The partner can of course leave if he feels that strongly but OPs body is her own to do with whatever she wishes and she's not a child needing someone to intervene on her behalf.

ParvuliThankYouDebbie · 16/08/2022 22:37

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 22:25

This is about a poorly run hospital in Belgium, this hospital had caused multiple errors in care. The lady being a surrogate has no impact on the wider issue.

The lengths people go to on here sometimes is amazing.

Show quote history

What an utterly bizarre response.

The lengths people go to on here sometimes is amazing
Which is exactly what I’m now thinking about you tbh.

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 22:37

CanIbeAlonepls · 16/08/2022 22:37

I don't get why everyone's going on about their opinions on surrogacy or the potential complications. OP didn't ask you for them.

She asked if her partner was unreasonable for saying it's equally his say (which surely no one can think is reasonable) and that he was going to sit her brother down to have serious words about a grown womans decision about her own woman (again, not reasonable no matter your opinion on surrogacy).

If OP wants to do this she of course may need to accept this is the end of her relationship but it's certainly not equally her partner's decision nor does he have any right to have serious words with her brother. This is between OP and her brother ultimately. The partner can of course leave if he feels that strongly but OPs body is her own to do with whatever she wishes and she's not a child needing someone to intervene on her behalf.

This is AIBU some posters have a hated so strong for surrogacy they will abandon all ability to read a post properly and just moan about surrogacy itself

Happens every time

CanIbeAlonepls · 16/08/2022 22:37

CrossStichQueen · 16/08/2022 22:34

And that's fine but it's not up to you or to her partner what OP chooses to do

Where in my post did I say it was up to me?

The OP has asked for opinions. Are yours the only ones allowed Can?

She actually didn't ask for your opinion on surrogacy did she? And yet you couldn't wait to share it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/08/2022 22:38

Wind them up and watch them go.

<sigh>

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 22:38

@ParvuliThankYouDebbie

How did an article about a poorly run hospital in another country have any relevancy to the OP?

Unless you also use that link to advocate for women not to have fibroids removed in hospitals?

UncomfortableSofa · 16/08/2022 22:39

Perhaps the mother of your DP's children had a very difficult pregnancy or birth?

There are a lot of logistics to consider, as others have mentioned. Get it all down in a contract.

Also, think of how you will feel emotionally. If you don't like how they are parenting, or are unhappy about their decisions in the future.

JubileeTrifle · 16/08/2022 22:39

I do know someone who left his wife when she was a surrogate for the second time. The first time was already arranged when he had met her so it went ahead. the second time was for strangers so not the same. But he did say it broke the trust between them and he didn’t want to support another pregnancy for someone else.

CrossStichQueen · 16/08/2022 22:40

She actually didn't ask for your opinion on surrogacy did she? And yet you couldn't wait to share it.
Generally to agree or disagree with the OP or her DP will mean you share their opinion so yes others will voice their own opinion in support of choosing either the OP or DPs side just as you and Polly have.

You feel the need to shut down any posters that don't agree with you it will be just you and your mate Polly on the thread soon.

CanIbeAlonepls · 16/08/2022 22:41

JubileeTrifle · 16/08/2022 22:39

I do know someone who left his wife when she was a surrogate for the second time. The first time was already arranged when he had met her so it went ahead. the second time was for strangers so not the same. But he did say it broke the trust between them and he didn’t want to support another pregnancy for someone else.

And that's what the partner can do if this is a deal breaker for him. That's his rights in all of this. To leave if he doesn't like it and feels he can't support it. Not to dictate what OP does and intervene on her behalf as if she's incapable of making an informed decision about her own body and her own family.

CanIbeAlonepls · 16/08/2022 22:43

CrossStichQueen · 16/08/2022 22:40

She actually didn't ask for your opinion on surrogacy did she? And yet you couldn't wait to share it.
Generally to agree or disagree with the OP or her DP will mean you share their opinion so yes others will voice their own opinion in support of choosing either the OP or DPs side just as you and Polly have.

You feel the need to shut down any posters that don't agree with you it will be just you and your mate Polly on the thread soon.

You're entirely wrong about my opinion on surrogacy actually. But as I said in my first comment I have no intention on making it a point on this thread because it's not actually what OP asked is it? She's a big girl, she doesn't need you to tell her how selfish you think surrogacy is. She didn't ask you for your opinion on surrogacy and your comment didn't actually provide anything by way of meaningful advice about the actual situation she asked about. You just couldn't wait to make your stance on surrogacy known rather than respond to the actual question.

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 22:45

CrossStichQueen · 16/08/2022 22:40

She actually didn't ask for your opinion on surrogacy did she? And yet you couldn't wait to share it.
Generally to agree or disagree with the OP or her DP will mean you share their opinion so yes others will voice their own opinion in support of choosing either the OP or DPs side just as you and Polly have.

You feel the need to shut down any posters that don't agree with you it will be just you and your mate Polly on the thread soon.

There is a reason your first comment has been deleted on this thread.

CanIbeAlonepls · 16/08/2022 22:45

Basically you can disagree with surrogacy in general (my personal opinion) whilst also disagreeing it's equally OPs partners decision.

TheUsualChaos · 16/08/2022 22:46

Where has OP gone while everyone is busy arguing...

iolaus · 16/08/2022 22:48

At the end of the day it's your body and you have the right to make the final decision

However I do think you are being naive over how much a surrogate pregnancy would impact on your partner as well

CrossStichQueen · 16/08/2022 22:48

I see my post has been deleted and I will be asking MNHQ how it broke guidelines given it was not abusive or a personal attack.

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 22:49

CrossStichQueen · 16/08/2022 22:48

I see my post has been deleted and I will be asking MNHQ how it broke guidelines given it was not abusive or a personal attack.

It was both.

CrossStichQueen · 16/08/2022 22:50

How was it Polly?

MNHQ
ImaniMumsnet · 16/08/2022 22:52

HI @CrossStichQueen , happy to discuss the reasons for the deletions, please could you send us an email?

CrossStichQueen · 16/08/2022 22:52

Of course many thanks.

shreddednips · 16/08/2022 22:53

It's up to you whether you want to be a surrogate for your DB. Your DP doesn't get a 'say' as it's not his body, but it would be perfectly reasonable for him to decide it was a dealbreaker. It's a major thing you're considering doing, and I think it will almost certainly have an impact on your relationship. In his shoes, I would be incredibly worried about the potential for things to go wrong/the distress you might experience when you had to hand the baby over and what the long-term impacts of that would be on your family unit.

I think he's going too far wanting to sit your brother down- he needs to accept that all he can do is decide his own boundaries, communicate them to you and then accept whatever your decision is. It sounds like his boundary is likely to be that he leaves if you go ahead, so I suppose all you can do is weigh up the importance of your relationship/family setup vs. being a surrogate for your brother.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

JubileeTrifle · 16/08/2022 22:55

I just wanted to say it also must be emotionally quite hard to watch your partner through pregnancy without their being a baby at the end for him as well.
My friend didn’t want more children necessarily, but the fact she had babies for other people was hard (they didn’t share children).

Swipe left for the next trending thread