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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move us all in with my mum?

132 replies

DoingJustFine · 16/08/2022 16:31

My lovely dad recently died, very unexpectedly. Mum (83, frail, forgetful) is now living alone in the huge family house.

I live literally round the corner with DH, and my two teenagers. I bought our house but we have horrible neighbours and I've wanted to move for a while. We couldn't afford it as DH is still on the mortgage with his ex and we'd have to pay loads of stamp duty. He's in the process of sorting this out but it's glacial.

I think the sensible thing is us to move in with my mum. She'd love it. I'd love it. She'll be safe, I can run the house and take care of everything.

DH isn't keen as my mum smokes and the house smells like cigarettes.

My sibling (lives miles away, very rich) isn't keen as I suspect they'd prefer the family house to be sold and the money split between us all.

Our Dad's ashes are going to be sprinkled in the garden (as he requested) so I hate the thought of another family trampling all over him.

AIBU to just move us in? Even until DH has sorted his mortgage issue, or mum needs a care home?

OP posts:
Original poster
DoingJustFine · 16/08/2022 16:34

We could rent my house out with its furniture in? Or just sell it. I'd be keen to just sell it. But then we'd fall behind the housing market.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 16/08/2022 16:35

The smoke would put me off massively. Otherwise it sounds like a great plan. Would you pay rent to your mum?

Hottt · 16/08/2022 16:36

I think YABU to expect your DH to move somewhere that he won't be happy when he has a very valid reason to not want to move there. If my DH unilaterally decided that I had to move in with a smoker then I think that would end our marriage. It stinks, it makes everything you own stink, you'll never get rid of the smell from your possessions and second-hand smoke kills.

I also think there's some unreasonable subtext to your post - your sibling is just as entitled to the house as you are so it will inevitably need to be sold at some point so (unless you can afford to buy it yourself?) another family will be "trampling all over".

toffeechai · 16/08/2022 16:36

YABU because of the smoking. Sorry.

Original poster
DoingJustFine · 16/08/2022 16:37

I feel resentful that I've had to stay in a house I don't like for years because DH failed to sort his ex's house out. And I feel resentful that my sibling is telling me what to do when they live miles from mum and all the care us up to me.

I'm sort of thinking everyone else can either sort their own shit out - I'll do what's best for me and mum.

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Whattodoaboutworknow · 16/08/2022 16:37

I think you need to listen to DH’s opinion, this is a total 50/50 decision.

Most people would not want to move in with their in law. And I would definitely not move in with a smoker if I had the choice.

waltershite22 · 16/08/2022 16:37

I see a couple of issues here.

Will she agree to stop smoking in all rooms but her bedroom? I absolutely would not move my kids and DH into a house where she smokes in all rooms.

I think you also have to be realistic about the fact that the house may need to be sold sooner rather than later, either for care or if she dies and it needs to be split with your sibling. I don't think it's fair or realistic to expect to keep the house.

Original poster
DoingJustFine · 16/08/2022 16:39

It might only be for a year until probate is sorted out. Mum actually fancies a warden-controlled flat.

OP posts:
Parky04 · 16/08/2022 16:39

I'm with your DH. I couldn't share a house with a smoker!

moksorineouimoksori · 16/08/2022 16:39

Your mum needs help, so it seems like a good idea there.

Your sibling's opinion is a bit irrelevant at the moment unless that's also what your mother wants (presuming she owns the house now). I'd be careful to make it clear that you're only moving in for the time being, your mum still owns it and you don't expect to take the whole house to yourself unless you can buy it, as that would be unfair.

Cigarettes are a problem, but you could confine her smoking to a specific room with window open or try outside in the garden if possible, and give the house a really thorough clean when you get there.

About the ashes - when your father put the request in, I doubt he expected the garden to be kept pristine and un-walked-on forever to allow his ashes to sit there undisturbed. They will sink into the ground and I really wouldn't worry about the next generation of life "trampling" on them.

Original poster
DoingJustFine · 16/08/2022 16:40

OK - my other idea was that I sell my house to buy mum her flat. Then DH and I move into the family house and spend a year (till probate) fixing it up before selling it.

So mum isn't stranded in this huge great mansion with no support.

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tiggergoesbounce · 16/08/2022 16:41

I couldn't live with someone smoking in the house and she has every right to as its her house.

It would have been perfect but for that.

Could you sell her house, if it large buy one that has a main house and smaller dwelling so shes on the same land to keep an eye on her but can have a smoke when she wants.

Maybe dig up a nice tree from their garden and replant it at the new place as a remembrance of your late dad.

Original poster
DoingJustFine · 16/08/2022 16:42

Maybe dig up a nice tree from their garden and replant it at the new place as a remembrance of your late dad.

This is a sweet idea.

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Original poster
DoingJustFine · 16/08/2022 16:43

How long does probate take?

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Lindy2 · 16/08/2022 16:43

The smoking would put me off.

Also, renting a furnished house is often more tricky than unfurnished. Furniture must meet safety standards and fire resistance standards. Tenants usually want unfurnished.

I think selling your mum's house and her moving somewhere smaller, once she is able to, is the way to go.

Your DH also needs to sort his mortgage out so you can move elsewhere as a family.

Original poster
DoingJustFine · 16/08/2022 16:44

I just can't cope with her living alone there. I've got her a career and I go round every day but it's heartbreaking.

OP posts:
Hottt · 16/08/2022 16:44

DoingJustFine · 16/08/2022 16:40

OK - my other idea was that I sell my house to buy mum her flat. Then DH and I move into the family house and spend a year (till probate) fixing it up before selling it.

So mum isn't stranded in this huge great mansion with no support.

This is (financially and legally) a terrible idea - it's very risky. You'd sell your house, your mum would own two properties, you'd still have to pay enhanced stamp duty, if your mum dies within the next seven years then you'd have to pay stamp duty if she gifts you her house, if she doesn't then 50% of it would go to your sibling... the alternative to that mess would be to spend a fortune on a solicitor to ensure a water-tight agreement, far more than you'd have paid in enhanced stamp duty to just sell your house and buy a new one for you.

RainyDays22 · 16/08/2022 16:44

Housing market is going to crash soon, so you need to keep that in mind also with the increases in mortgage rates etc.

Personally I'd move in with your mum, till DH sorts his other house out and your mums ready for a care home then sell and move or stay there and spilt the money of your other house sale with siblings?

Original poster
DoingJustFine · 16/08/2022 16:45

What if we just moved in for a few months, until probate was done?

We could help her declutter it all. She's overwhelmed by the task.

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Whataretheodds · 16/08/2022 16:47

No point getting into whether your sibling minds or not: it's your mum's house (i assume, unless your father's half has been left to you both). Until she dies neither of you has a claim on it and it may well need to be sold for care costs.

Obviously that makes life precarious for you if you've moved your family in with her.

I understand your frustration with your DH etc but that isn't a reason why he should have to live in a house that smells of cigarettes.

Selling yours to buy a new place with an annexe for your mum is a great idea - trickier if you need her to contribute.

RandomMess · 16/08/2022 16:48

I think moving in temporarily is fine.

Just make sure you put things in writing.

Your sibling needs reminding how much it would be costing to pay someone to do all the caring and look after you are doing for your Mum.

If you could rent yours out for a year (check if your mortgage provider will allow you) why not?

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 16/08/2022 16:48

YABVU. Your DH doesn't want to move in.

You go alone and leave your DH and DC where they are if it means so much to you.

Original poster
DoingJustFine · 16/08/2022 16:51

Thank you for all your posts. It's really helpful to hear from unbiased people!

This is such a shitty time for us all. 😢 I just don't know what to do for the best. She's so frail.

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Original poster
DoingJustFine · 16/08/2022 16:53

How long does probate take?

OP posts:
Original poster
DoingJustFine · 16/08/2022 16:54

You go alone and leave your DH and DC where they are if it means so much to you.

As the only woman in a house with a middle-aged man and two teenage boys, I'm tempted by this! 😂

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