To move us all in with my mum?

[DoingJustFine]

My lovely dad recently died, very unexpectedly. Mum (83, frail, forgetful) is now living alone in the huge family house.

I live literally round the corner with DH, and my two teenagers. I bought our house but we have horrible neighbours and I've wanted to move for a while. We couldn't afford it as DH is still on the mortgage with his ex and we'd have to pay loads of stamp duty. He's in the process of sorting this out but it's glacial.

I think the sensible thing is us to move in with my mum. She'd love it. I'd love it. She'll be safe, I can run the house and take care of everything.

DH isn't keen as my mum smokes and the house smells like cigarettes.

My sibling (lives miles away, very rich) isn't keen as I suspect they'd prefer the family house to be sold and the money split between us all.

Our Dad's ashes are going to be sprinkled in the garden (as he requested) so I hate the thought of another family trampling all over him.

AIBU to just move us in? Even until DH has sorted his mortgage issue, or mum needs a care home?

What if we just moved in for a few months, until probate was done?

OP i understand how hard this is with a vunerable parent. It plays on your mind constantly if they are ok. So from me, But you really do need to listen to your DH with regards to the smoking, i would not expect my DH to do that as i wouldn't want to do it if roles were reversed.

We could help her declutter it all. She's overwhelmed by the task

I think maybe if you move in for a bit to help out and be around for her. If you are only around the corner its not too bad.

I feel a bit about DH's "smoking" argument as when we met, he was living back with his own, frail, mum in her house which absolutely STANK. She'd had a dog and hadn't cleaned up after its accidents very well. Honestly, the smell took your eyebrows off.

So his sudden clean-air argument sounds hypocritical to me.

You sound a little bit too keen to get your sole hands on the house - I can imagine that your sister is not going to be pleased. I appreciate that she may not be helping your mum out and you are but people have their own lives and she's not nearby so it's not as easy for her. Don't be grabby or you'll end up with (still just) half a house and no sibling relationship

What a horrible post.

There's a bit of a difference between a smelly dog and smoke that actually kills you tbh.

You seem to be the only one in the family that wants to do it, so I think it would be a very selfish decision to force on your family.

Perhaps if you're that keen work out a schedule where you can move there part time yourself.

The smoking is a MASSIVE issue. Apart from the health affects , which are considerable , you are all going to smell horrendous !
Imagine your poor teens going to school, on dates etc . smelling of smoke. You cannot mask that smell. If your mum smokes in the house you and all your possessions will smell.
For this reason you are being very unreasonable . I would split with my husband before moving in with a smoker.

yeah makes sense

but I feel a bit like you’ve decided that you deserve this so fuckeveryone else

1. your sibling has just as much right to the propert as you, regardless of their financee and 2) your partner hasn’t sorted his shit out but yet you’re still with him? So presumably his opinion means something to you?

habe you asked your mum whether she wants a non smoker in her home?
she’s elderly and probably doesn’t want to give up smoking and prob won’t be nice for her having people descend on on her home complaining about the smell

I’d rather live in a tent than with a smoker. Yabu.

If you can get your mum to only smoke in one room, you can install an extractor fan. Not those useless bathroom ones, the ones you get from growshops.
My daughter, who still smokes 🤯, had a small one installed in her kitchen and used to go in there to have a quick puff. I have never smoked and am very aware of cigarette smell, and I can honestly say no part of her flat smelled in the slightest.
I think its lovely that you want to support your mum in this very difficult transitional time for her.

DH isn't keen as my mum smokes and the house smells like cigarettes.

This is an absolute, 100% deal breaker. You shouldn't have your children living in a house with a smoker, and there is no comparison whatsoever to a smelly dog and cigarette smoke.

I agree with @Hottt I wouldn’t do it, even if there was no sibling. Temporarily is fine, but I wouldn’t uproot my whole family and move in.

The Op sounds nothing but a caring and loving daughter who’s worried sick about her mum.

What's horrible about it? The sister will (assuming the will splits it 50-50) be entitled to half but OP is aiming to move in and make it home because she doesn't like where she's living now. I can't see her agreeing to a quick sale as she'll want to stay there. From the sister's point of view that's grabby however you want to look at it.

DS handles some probate stuff at work and says things either go through very smoothly in 5-6 weeks or it takes ages.
The important thing is how well the documents are completed.

It would be easier for you to support your mum under the same roof. However, I’m confused about the suggestion of waiting for probate and selling the house and splitting it between all of you. Doesn’t it all go to your mum as she’s still alive and then she sells if and when she wants to?

Unless mum and dad were tenants in common, surely the house is outright your mum’s with no probate? I would definitely check the legality, but I think your mum could make steps to sell and move into a smaller property/sheltered accommodation ASAP. It sounds a bit like you want to move into your family home. If I was your partner, I wouldn’t be keen. I couldn’t have thought of anything worse than moving in with my ex MIL, sorry

When my father in law died we were told not to make big changes in our lives like sell or move for the 1st year. My mother in law said also from the beginning that no one was to move in with her. She said this is her life now she needs to get used to living on her own as hard as it is. People still come and stay with her for holidays etc plus we are only down the road if anything happens, Moving in with a relative or family member changes your home dynamic completely. So i can completely understand your other halves side. To me its even worse that she smokes, i wouldn't stand for that. You are caught up in grief at the moment its not the time to be making big life changing decisions. Stay with your mother the odd night, you are only down the road, can pop in anytime.
You are at the other end of the phone. Plus you have mentioned a sibling so make sure they take their fair share of the burden. Would highly recommend grief counselling too, this will also help with the resentment you have with his ex. Houses are really just buildings its the memories that you have in them that will stay with you for life

How bad is her smoking - is it all over the hoose?

Your DM wouldn't let you all make such a huge life change and sacrifice indefinitely surely? Would she?!
What did her plans involve for coping as she aged and was potentially left alone in a huge house?

I'm with your DH on this. I wouldn't move into a house that reeked of smoke.

I’d also be very concerned that if she is old and very frail she might fall asleep while smoking or something and set the house on fire.

Living with a smelly dog doesn’t give you cancer though. YABVU.

My parents smoke in their house. I'd never move in. The smell is on everything and it's vile. I agree with your DH on not moving in solely for that reason alone.

Look, your DM clearly can’t live there alone in the longer term and your sister wanting to sell and split the assets is jumping the gun by some considerable distance. The house and marriage assets now belong to your DM unless there are complications you haven’t mentioned.

Your DM will likely need full time care soon and thats expensive. There are strict tax restrictions on giving money away and certainly at this stage to do so could be classed as deprivation of assets ie trying to avoid death duties and care costs.

If your DH doesn’t wish to move I’d suggest you move in temporarily maybe not full time even and help her get things straight. Decluttering with a whole extra family living there sounds very difficult anyway.

Have a good look at the housing options. If you lived there would your really be willing or able to offer full care? And work? It can ruin a parental relationship and your marriage.

Lastly, are you sure probate is needed? When DF died it wasn’t necessary. A solicitor just transferred the house title.

Good luck and don’t forget that your DSis is also involved in this even if it’s not translated into actual help.