To move us all in with my mum?

[DoingJustFine]

My lovely dad recently died, very unexpectedly. Mum (83, frail, forgetful) is now living alone in the huge family house.

I live literally round the corner with DH, and my two teenagers. I bought our house but we have horrible neighbours and I've wanted to move for a while. We couldn't afford it as DH is still on the mortgage with his ex and we'd have to pay loads of stamp duty. He's in the process of sorting this out but it's glacial.

I think the sensible thing is us to move in with my mum. She'd love it. I'd love it. She'll be safe, I can run the house and take care of everything.

DH isn't keen as my mum smokes and the house smells like cigarettes.

My sibling (lives miles away, very rich) isn't keen as I suspect they'd prefer the family house to be sold and the money split between us all.

Our Dad's ashes are going to be sprinkled in the garden (as he requested) so I hate the thought of another family trampling all over him.

AIBU to just move us in? Even until DH has sorted his mortgage issue, or mum needs a care home?

I can understand why this is a good idea for you but I wouldn't live where someone smokes indoors.

I grew up with parents that did and it was disgusting and embarrassing!

You are being very very unreasonable to expose your teenagers to smoke. You just see to want to live in your Mum's house as it is preferable to yours. All the other buying options are complicated and how people end up bankrupt.

But that was how he'd been raised, he hadn't got much choice and he wasn't exposing his kids to it.

Could you agree to her limiting the smoking to certain rooms? If you're looking to sell, cleaning up the other rooms would help. If he massively put off a house I could barely walk around for smoke.

If you live so close what about you part moving in short term? Alt evenings or something? I don't think it's fair to tell DH your settling your house and taking the kids if you to stay in the relationship

It's a great idea, if the smoking situation can be managed. Have done a similar thing. What you should think about is what happens when your mum eventually passes away/moves into warden controlled and you want to stay in the house. Can you afford to buy out your sibling's share? Will there be financial conflict regarding the period you were living there? How will you finance the warden-controlled flat?

Why do you need probate? Didn't everything pass to your DM?

Is your intent is to sell your house and buy your mum's house cheap so she can move into a flat? Is this why your sibling dislikes the idea?

What does your Mum want?

TBH, sometimes, moving someone with memory problems into a completely new environment can be the undoing of them.
Learning to cope with the new and unfamiliar, can be almost impossible - depending on how advanced the memory problems are.

She may not be allowed to smoke in a warden controlled flat either, depending on area and leaseholder etc.

How about if you lived there - officially that is. Looks like the smoking doesn't bother you .
She'd lose the Council Tax discount, but if she had to go into a Care Home the house would be safe as you were living there.
You could go back to your own home whenever your menfolk needed you to do, erm, things for them.😀

What does your Mum want?

If the house is in joint names, you just get the Land Registry to change the deeds into your DM's sole name.

Probate shouldn't be needed.

It's an easy job to sort out yourself.

One solution would be for your mum to take out a lifetime mortgage and buy a flat. Once the house is sold, pay it off in full.

You need to sort out your own housing yourself. Presumably you and your sibling won't inherit while your DM is alive.

I think you are ignoring some rather big issues here.:

• Beyond the issue of smoking, your husband might not want to live with your mother full-time. Harsh as it might sound your life as a couple would be affected and you would lose some privacy/intimacy. If a partner told me we were going to move in with his elderly mother my answer would be no. So if you go ahead be aware that your marriage is likely to come under strains. You are technically setting yourself up to be your mother's on site, 24 hour carer for the near future and you are also expecting your husband to sign up for this
• The smoking: even if she were to smoke only in one room the smell and smoke would likely travel to the rest of the house. Even if you suggest you she only smokes in her bedroom, if she is forgetful she might also not be able to remember not to smoke in other parts of the house. There is also a safety issue. A smoker who is forgetful/elderly might well cause a fire. Is that really safe for your teenagers?
• who is going to look after your mother while you or your partner are working? because if she is starting to need daily/constant care you might be better off hiring external carers to look after her too.

For me this would be a massive issue and to be honest I would not want the relationship to continue if my partner insisted on moving us in with an elderly parent.

By probate, do you mean of your Dad’s Will and affairs?

Has he left everything to your Mum? Or has he left his estate to you
and your sibling? With life interest in the house to your Mum?

What is your main objective here? To get away from your neighbours? Or to help your Mum?

Your Mum could live 7 years, 10 years, with unpredictable levels of loss of independence.

How do your teens feel about it? Is your Mum’s house close to their schools and friends?

TBH moving your family in with your Mum sounds like a bad idea. And if I was your DH I would think it a worse one. What happens when the teens want friends and girlfriends round? Play loud music, etc.

Talk with your Mum seriously about her needs and preferences, without reference to your own housing.

Your poor sons
it sounds like your care more about your mum than your own kids
not normal

It just sounds to me like the op's mum needs her more than her teenage sons.

Of course it's normal to want to help your mum. What a strange comment!

Everything about your plan is fine apart from the fact your mum is a smoker. No way could I live with someone who smokes and I really don’t think you can try and make her not smoke in her own home. I think your second plan of selling your house and buying a flat is better but your mum and sibling would both need to agree. I don’t think your partner’s mum’a dog is relevant TBH and as others have said porgy dog smell isn’t actually carcinogenic.

I don’t think you need probate, if your DF left everything in his Will to your DM. This is what has happened when my parents and in laws died. Probate was only obtained when the surviving spouse died.

Does your mum smoke inside?

Would she stop smoking or switch to vaping (outside)? I couldn't live with a smoker.

You’re ignoring all the questions / comments about the smoking. Would she contain her smoking to one room? (Then maybe deep clean the carpets and paint the walls to get rid of any residual smell?)

What if your mum has left the house between her children or your dad has already , then you would have to sell as house would be half your siblings

Probate depends, some offices are working to 8/10 weeks. Others are months. Also depends on how complex it is/how well the forms are completed. You might not need it depending on how the house is held, if as joint tenants then the surviving spouse would become sole owner. Possibly more complex if it's a mansion though

Probably because it's her mums house and the question is ridiculous!!

She's 83 and becoming forgetful, yet people come on here to ask if she'd consider vaping or keeping herself to one room!! Or even better stick her in the garden. I'd ignore those suggestions aswell!

Totally agree with all @Whitehorsegirl points, I defo would not want to be forced to move in with an in-law, especially somewhere that stinks of smoke. To add to those points, do you actually know for sure this is something your mother would want? I can't imagine a woman in her 80s living with teenagers, it could be exhausting for her! If it is something she wants, how unfair would it be on your mum to get her used to having company on a daily basis and then to expect her to move into a small place in her own? You say repeatedly that she is frail but are willing to put her through 2 big living changes!

The smoking would be a deal breaker for me. Even if she just smokes in one room it wafts all over the house

Well given that a whole lot of time has passed since then, he's allowed to change his mind? I wouldn't live with a smoker. Your mum can give it up, if she really wants yourll to live with her.

The smoking would be a deal breaker for me even with my own mother (in fact it kind of was as that was a big reason why I left home).

All the, get her to smoke in one room, buy a hardcore vent, etc etc, it doesn't work, if you're not a smoker you can smell it

You have said your mum is happy to move into a flat with a warden and support so any solution is very temporary until this can be achieved?
So don't sell your house, or rent it out as this can probably be achieved in 6 months to a year.

You have said your mum would love it if you moved in. Would she really love sharing with a family with two teenage boys full time? I can't see it myself and I can't see your kids enjoying living in granny's house either.

You need to give your mum time and space and listen to her. She can continue to live in a big house alone, despite being frail and forgetful if that is what she wants. Unless she loses the capacity to make decisions it is her choice.