To move us all in with my mum?

[DoingJustFine]

My lovely dad recently died, very unexpectedly. Mum (83, frail, forgetful) is now living alone in the huge family house.

I live literally round the corner with DH, and my two teenagers. I bought our house but we have horrible neighbours and I've wanted to move for a while. We couldn't afford it as DH is still on the mortgage with his ex and we'd have to pay loads of stamp duty. He's in the process of sorting this out but it's glacial.

I think the sensible thing is us to move in with my mum. She'd love it. I'd love it. She'll be safe, I can run the house and take care of everything.

DH isn't keen as my mum smokes and the house smells like cigarettes.

My sibling (lives miles away, very rich) isn't keen as I suspect they'd prefer the family house to be sold and the money split between us all.

Our Dad's ashes are going to be sprinkled in the garden (as he requested) so I hate the thought of another family trampling all over him.

AIBU to just move us in? Even until DH has sorted his mortgage issue, or mum needs a care home?

I am broadly in a similar situation.
you have my sympathies

I will say though that care homes are eye watering expensive and you’d have to sell her house for that anyway

ah ha, the truth comes out. how convenient for you

If it weren’t for the smoking, I’d agree with you. It’s not just a preference not to live with a smoker. Smoke kills. You want your kids to live with someone who smokes in the house? I’m unlikely to live with anyone again, and certainly not my mother, but it would be a complete dealbreaker for me.

tbe House will need total redecorating and all new carpets and curtains to get rid of smoke smell

I've just looked after my mum whilst she was dying of cancer, I live round the corner, I practically moved in, spent the odd night at home.
I'd do it all again in a heartbeat even though it was the most stressful time of my life.
I wfh 3 days a week, my manager let me wfh full time so I worked from my mums.
My mum passed away and I'm glad I spent so much time with her but I'd give anything to just have one more conversation with her 💔
You do what you think is best, personally I'd put dm first, your teenagers can cope but I'd definitely think about selling your house and getting her a flat if your DH really doesn't like her smoking.
You need to protect your family financially though.
Ps I smoke, not inside, the way ops react to smoking on here you'd think we all had cooties!
Good luck op 🍀💐

Btw probate on my mums estate came through in 7 weeks, it's easy to do online

Why probate? Surely everything is now in your mums name. Put her house up for sale asap so she can buy a flat.

Do it. Do what you want. Your DH has his own ties but that shouldn't hold you back. If you want to move in and your mum does too then go for it. Life is short, your mum won't be around forever and I'm sure she'd love your help and company & it's lovely for you to offer. Your siblings should be thanking you for the help you are giving her not wanting their share of her house whilst she's still alive. Go for it

Well that's just mean.
And in the context of what's 'not normal', leaving the elderly to live on their own, sad, frail and lonely is unheard of and heartless in the majority of the world. As is carting them off to care homes when they fail to do even that.

You can't compare the smell of a dog ( including its mess) with that of a smoker. I visit an elderly lady now and then and she smokes and to be honest I dread it. I have to wash my hair and clothes straight after, it's vile. There's no way on earth I could move in with a smoker, even if it was my beloved mum.

My DF used to smoke in our family home when I was a child and it caused significant health problems for me. I was also bullied in school as I always stank of old cigarettes.
Please don't do that to your children.

If your mum agrees to stop smoking indoors then yes, by all means, it sounds like a great idea.

Why don't you and your mum swap houses until probate is done with? I mean you and your family live in her house and she live in yours but don't change ownerships

Hello!

I've just spent another evening round at mum's. I think she's now thinking she'd like to live in a granny annexe.

It doesn't help that the will is really complicated. Dad created a trust, and me, mum and sibling (plus any kids) are all beneficiaries. So I don't think it all passes over to mum - it's put in a trust and then we all decide what to do. I think. We're having to consult a solicitor to decipher it.

I realise my posts could have been taken as my wanting to keep the house by nefarious means. It's a beautiful house but I don't mind if mum sells it. I just don't want her alone and unable to cope. She's never laid a bill since she got married 60 years ago! She can't cope. I try to teach her things but she's incredibly forgetful. It's really stressful and worrying. Just leaving her house now I wonder if she'll be ok.

I just want to bundle her up and have her with me so I know she's ok. She's tiny.

I think a granny annexe would be great. She can smoke her head off, I'll be on site, DH will have his space and the DC won't suffer secondhand smoke.

Why don't you and your mum swap houses until probate is done with?

This idea has merits, but mum hates my house. 😂

ah ha, the truth comes out. how convenient for you

We'd be living in there to do it up (it's old fashioned, and smells of smoke) then - as I said in the post you quoted - sell it.

I'd not do anything too hastily.
Let your Mum get used to things for a few months. Don't be bombarding her with ideas and suggestions.
You are around the corner. Can she get a cleaner in for an hour each day. Would a little dog help? She might like to stay in her own home a bit longer so support her with that for as long as possible. She's already had a one massive change in her life.

I WFH. I guess I could just work from mum's house for the time being? That would give her support during the day, then I could go home in the evenings.

One of the stressful things is trying to balance mum, DH, kids and work and everything else. I feel there's only me looking after mum. I'm spread thin. If she was on-site, it'd be easier.

Oh I don't bloody know.

Transferring the house on the land registry is interesting. Except, the trust thing. I don't know if we can transfer it to mum as the will stands.

We're taking mum to look at warden flats next week so she can get a feel/ask about smoking/etc.

Don't be bombarding her with ideas and suggestions.

You're right.

I really miss dad. He was the voice of calm, reason and wisdom in our family. He'd know what to do. But he's not here.

Anyway - thank you SO MUCH for all your replies. You've helped me see DH isn't being unreasonable.

Thank you!

One of your scenarios has your mum in care home within the year, with you installed in this "mansion". And then selling it.

it would take a saint of a sibling to be happy with that.

Time for your mum to take up vaping?! She might feel better for it even.

I'm not arguing - I know I'm not making sense, which is why I posted. I can't see the wood for the trees and feel all alone with these decisions.

One of your scenarios has your mum in care home within the year, with you installed in this "mansion". And then selling it.

it would take a saint of a sibling to be happy with that

Why would they mind, though, if we sold it? I can see why they wouldn't want us living there forever, but if we did it up and sold it - and the money was divided as per the world's most complicated will - why would they mind?

Baling is a good idea but she just wouldn't go for that. Too complicated.

And yes, she smokes, a LOT, in every room. It hits you when you walk in.

*VAPING, not bailing! 😆

Granny annexe if attached would still make the main house smell of smoke. If unattached, it's not that different to her living around the corner now. The warden controlled flat sounds like the best option, especially as she's up for it, and then sell the house and split the funds in whatever way the trust dictates.

Take your own situation with the neighbours out of it and don't be blaming DH for having his own legit opinions on where he lives. You're already right around the corner from his MiL, which is closer than many would choose. Smoking stinks - I sat on a train for two hours next to a smoker which was far too long. Also your own arguments don't stack up - on one hand you're wanting to move in and never let anyone walk on your dad's ashes, on another hand you're fine to do it up and sell it.

Understandably perhaps you're a bit all over the place with competing impulses, but that's a very good reason not to do anything impulsive that would cause problems with DH and sibling (as with any child, she's under no obligation to live near and help out). Take your own desires to move and live in the big house out of the equation and focus solely on what suits your mum best of all.