To move us all in with my mum?

[DoingJustFine]

My lovely dad recently died, very unexpectedly. Mum (83, frail, forgetful) is now living alone in the huge family house.

I live literally round the corner with DH, and my two teenagers. I bought our house but we have horrible neighbours and I've wanted to move for a while. We couldn't afford it as DH is still on the mortgage with his ex and we'd have to pay loads of stamp duty. He's in the process of sorting this out but it's glacial.

I think the sensible thing is us to move in with my mum. She'd love it. I'd love it. She'll be safe, I can run the house and take care of everything.

DH isn't keen as my mum smokes and the house smells like cigarettes.

My sibling (lives miles away, very rich) isn't keen as I suspect they'd prefer the family house to be sold and the money split between us all.

Our Dad's ashes are going to be sprinkled in the garden (as he requested) so I hate the thought of another family trampling all over him.

AIBU to just move us in? Even until DH has sorted his mortgage issue, or mum needs a care home?

Three reasons not to do it:

1. OH does not want to - are you planning to leave him behind?


2. You are taking your family into a smoker's house - are you aware of the risks of passive smoking?


3. You will lack security - as soon as your Mum dies you will be under pressure to move out so the profits can be split.

I cannot comment on the rights and wrongs of house swaps and smoking issues.
What I do understand is that you are in an awful situation, caught between your Mum and your family.
Having been in a similar position myself I can only offer you my sympathy. No one can understand your situation unless they have been there (been there twice). I hope you are able to sort things out. 💐

Ah give over

its more that you’ve decided that your husbands aversion to smoking is the only inconvenience in this situation

As an aside I’d be furious if my DH tied OUR property into trusts etc that removed all of my choices! As his ŵife I expect to inherit my home cleanly and vice versa!

Retirement flats are usually still for people who can live independently. They may have a warden but some only work normal office hours during the week and don’t live in. You then have emergency call buttons for the rest of the time. So if your mum is getting very frail you might need to find a complex that offers more help

That’s a much better idea, she can burn you all to death! And your DH can live in nicotine stained fug beforehand. Lovely. Lucky old him! Aren’t you the star life partner.

@Rachie1973 I would imagine they established the trust to avoid paying excess inheritance tax, but the tax situation has changed over the years. If OP’s mum needs care and the house belongs to her it would have to be used to pay some or all of her care, if needed. Placing it in a trust may mean they succeed in protecting it from sale to pay for care and minimise tax although I would expect the situation would be scrutinised.