To expect DD15 to feed herself?

[SteveHarringtonsChestHair]

Went on a lunch date today. DCs are all older teens. DD (15) is outraged that I didn’t sort out something for her to eat when I got home at 2.30pm

I told her there is bread for toast, wraps, crumpets, leftover chicken in the fridge, noodles/pasta etc and that she can make herself something. She thinks it is selfish of me to feed myself and not her.

WIBU?

YABU she needs lunch and you are mean not to provide her with this before you left or after you came home

YANBU she is 15 with no additional needs, perfectly capable of fending for herself and needs to grow the F up.

I thank you.

A PP mentioned teenage regressions and IME this is definitely a thing. I think they can lose confidence very easily at this age and at the same time often develop a fear of failure. It can be frustrating for parents when they have DCs who are perfectly capable of complex tasks at pre-teen stage become totally incapable of even the simplest tasks, yet they still want to enjoy the privileges that come with being older. The bad attitudes that present when challenged is usually a cover for their own embarrassment and fear of making mistakes.

OP - you’re doing really well, try to stay as patient as you can, accept they have probably just forgotten some basics and remember that ‘this too shall pass’.

@Johnnysgirl Actually, some kids are just scared of making mistakes. It's not related to being shouted at. Mine has always worried about screwing up. You could even see it when they were learning to walk and we'd never shout at them or punish them over things like that.

Fair enough, I suppose some people are just more inherently cautious.

I rarely make my 15yo breakfast or lunch. He's sorted himself out most of the time for about 5 years. He cooks dinner (for us all) at least once a week too. I think she does need to become independent but maybe needs some support around what exactly to make, perhaps.

Just wanted to say you sound a lovely mum. I have a similar jokey side to my relationship with DS. I'm not sure if he would be more appalled or amused if I told him I made a post about an issue between us!

I've just read your posts out to my 16 year old and she laughed. Hope that helps your dd!
Mine can make about 6 hot meals from scratch, often cooks for her siblings when Dh and I are working and would happily make sandwiches for herself.

Do you think she may be ND, herself and that is why she is struggling with friendships?

@Justmuddlingalong totally agree. If she's never had to do this herself before, and had no instructions given, then she may have not have known what to do, what she was allowed to touch/use etc. Something tells me it's not quite as clear cut as OPs post.

I've read your posts and some of the earlier ones.

I have a DC (nearly 17) who also falls out with their few friends quite easily (as they can also be a bit much at times). It is hard. (it is just i and they). Over the last 3 years I have had to leave mine on and off whilst I go to work, so they need to get lunch on their own. It has been a learning experience. They are used to lots of veg with a main meal so try to replicate. I think the courgettes were fried to nothing - apparently delicious!! (Yeah right!). I offer a range of ready meals, home cooked meals (freezer) or fresh to cook from scratch.

I really experience the attitude when time for tea - normally a simple sandwich. If DC is making - pure sandwich and filling, but If I am, normally lots of extra salad bits. So we do discuss a LOT how the difference comes across.

My view is that I have shown them how to make good (economical) basics, suitable for a house share when they move out!! But I am not their slave when they live at home.

This is definitely something I’ve considered. Her dad and DS1 are ND and she does show some traits but I guess as with many girls, it’s not as obvious with her, so we’ve never really explored it further.

I think a lot of it is fear of making a mistake. She always jokes that if she cooks she will poison us all, or burn it etc and then gets so flustered it’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

I bought a little Pusheen notebook for her and told her we’re going to fill it with recipes that we’ll cook together for the first couple of times, until she feels confident enough to make them herself.

She has committed to making tomato pasta with garlic bread one night this week - simple but it’s a start right! - and I’m getting her DBros to make a meal each too.

Thank you for all the lovely comments - and the not so lovely ones that have given me a kick up the bum to deal with her lack of independence and the friend issue.

And today she has hoovered, cleared up after breakfast and lunch (made by me ) and tidied the sitting room. We’ve had a lovely chat this evening about friends, books, films, feminism, life and love. She’s a great kid and I’m very proud of her, despite her culinary shortcomings 😂

My dad had a saying for situations like this: “if you are looking for sympathy, it’s in the dictionary between sh*t and syphillis”

Y'all need to start a YouTube channel. I would watch that. 😀

I think it's great that she's learning how to cook OP :D I get that 'fear of failure', totally - but better to learn now whilst she has the benefit of Mums fridge, than when she's filling her own fridge and a fucked up meal has to be eaten if it is even vaguely edible, or you go hungry!

Youtube really has some excellent channels and I've been using the tesco (and similar 'what can i cook with' calculators a lot to get new ideas for what to do with bits and bobs.

When I was young I had some pretty good (though old, probably 60's ish) books for students, one pot cooking for those on a budget, long before the likes of Jack Monroe thought of it, and those were great - i will NEVER forget learning to do a proper cheese sauce, from a roux... using a flow chart! :D I wish I could remember what it was and find a copy now!

This is handy too once she learns some more stuff..

i.pinimg.com/originals/a5/ee/f3/a5eef3be1a022e0d51e389973661304d.jpg

Just wanted to say your DD sounds lovely.
My nearly-14 year old will happily make himself lunch and snacks but is absolutely terrible at doing any chores and even has to be nagged to shower at times so it's swings and roundabouts really isn't it?!
FWIW I think she sounds cool- having interests is becoming an increasingly rare occurance in young people IMO. Mine doesn't particularly have close friends but does love history (wants to do reenactment too but has long covid) and all that stuff. She will find her people :)
You sound like a lovely mum.

Pasta sauce is a great start. My dd started out with that and it's a great base for several dishes.
My best advice for dd1 was go slowly with seasoning as you can put it in but you can't take it out.

Making your own lunch to eat at home and expecting a 15 year old to sort herself is also perfectly reasonable btw.

“if you are looking for sympathy, it’s in the dictionary between sh*t and syphillis”
Ha, I'll have to remember that one.

_@Rosequartz7 DD says your daughter sounds great - if she’s into Jane Austen and The Tudors give us a shout

Thank you for the other messages too - definitely going to remember the dictionary one for next time!

Food is allowed to be boring and unfulfilling, so long as it is nutritious and filling. If she wants exciting food, she has to learn to cook.

Ha ha bless the poor little waif. Next time leave her a selection of toddler meals and snacks and a sippy cup of juice 😂😂😂

I saw this and thought of you OP @SteveHarringtonsChestHair

ha ha! Love it - will be forwarding that to her asap.

She’s taken it all in good humour to be fair - although I noticed MN had put this thread on their FB page too, so hoping it doesn’t end up in the Mail now!

MN humiliation she can take but the comments section of the DM is another level.

I just wanted to add that I agree with a PP who suggested DD is probably ND.

I'm ND with mostly ND family and my line of work is all centred around helping ND people and training up various professionals to better support ND people.

I hear 'people tell me I'm 'too much'' from autistic girls/young women every week at work. And it's so common for us to be competent in certain areas but really struggle with e.g. cooking because of executive functioning difficulties. And people don't understand why we 'can't just do X' when it genuinely is so much more difficult for us than others.

I'm so pleased she's going to be joining an interest-based group. That's exactly the sort of thing I'd recommend for her to find like-minded peers who will appreciate her for who she is.

she's going to hate being an adult if all of those choices are 'unfulfilling'! especially as she will have to live on unfulfillment made by her own fair hand!

My son was the same (actually still is) at that age. I was out over the lunch period, hadnt eaten myself, come home about 4pm to wails of how starving he is. I told him there's stuff in the fridge and a fruit bowl full, crisps, eggs... but as i hadnt prepared him a meal and left signage guiding his way to it, he chose to starve to death. i also pointed out if he was that hungry and wasnt sure what to eat he could have rung me. But that was apparently too obvious and i was mean not to leave his meal on a silver plater.

Next time i was out i made sure i pointed out all the things he could help himself to or make. Got home at tea time to the hangeriest monster. This time he was so starving it must have addled his brain because he was so hungry he 'forgot' to eat.

He isnt spoonfed and is actually an amazing cook with a good range of things he cooks the family by his own choice. So this woe is me thing with missing lunch is clearly a teen thing!